Disarm A Narcissist Who Uses The Silent Treatment Against You

The silent treatment is a manipulative communication tool used by those to punish others who disagree with them. If you've ever had to deal with someone who uses this tactic against you, it can be very dysregulating to feel responsible for why someone you love shuts down simply because they sense they are losing control over you. In this episode, you will learn tips you can use to manage this type of unhealthy communication.

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

Today we're talking about the number one thing that you need to remember to disarm a narcissist when they start giving you the silent treatment.

Now narcissists need to dominate and control other people,

Right?

That's all been established.

And one of the things that a narcissist will do when they start to lose control over you is they will give you the silent treatment.

Now the silent treatment is designed to do one thing,

And that is to trigger your abandonment wounds.

If you are somebody who struggles with codependency,

You also struggle with CPTSD.

You have struggled with feeling abandoned in childhood.

Even if your parents tell you you were never abandoned,

And even if your siblings argue with you,

You will have felt growing up abandoned and rejected.

And most of us struggle with some sense of rejection.

I don't know too many people who grew up feeling completely loved and completely understood.

I think most of us struggle with this sense of abandonment because,

You know,

Moving out on your own and becoming a full autonomous human being,

That is not easy to do.

You know,

We come into this world expecting to bond to,

We should bond with our family and specifically our parents,

The people who gave birth to us.

And in families,

We're supposed to bond,

Right?

And so when we are born into families where this bonding has been corrupted,

Or it will come from like unpredictable homes,

And it's impossible to bond with the people that you love,

It's very easy to feel abandoned by the people that you love.

And so it's very easy to suffer with this abandonment issue.

The problem is that when abandonment issues go unresolved in our own lives,

They are sending out a particular signal.

And a narcissist is somebody who can pick up on that signal.

So if you're somebody who has healed your abandonment trauma,

And you're somebody who's dealt with abandonment issues,

Or you're somebody who's never had abandonment issues,

Then a narcissist isn't going to be attracted to you.

You don't have any holes in your being that they can exploit.

Now a narcissist needs to attract somebody who struggles with abandonment for one purpose,

Because they need to find a hook that they can sink their teeth into,

That they can jerk anytime they want.

And so if you struggle with abandonment trauma,

And you meet a narcissist who is very charming,

And who has their life together,

And who seems larger than life,

And people seem to love this person,

They know what to say,

They know how to make you feel seen.

In some cases,

Somebody with high narcissistic traits will use a sob story to lure you in.

Think Ted Bundy,

Acting like he had a broken leg,

And you know,

There he was scouting to abuse other women.

And so what you want to do is you want to recognize in yourself,

Anything within you that makes you that you make you feel that maybe,

Oh,

Maybe I fall in that category of men or women who are struggling with this abandonment trauma thing.

So it's important to recognize that in yourself so that you know that you will be marked by a narcissist or that is his high likelihood that you will become susceptible to a narcissist who needs a counterpart who's suffering with abandonment trauma.

When it comes to punishing someone who is like,

Let's say you decide to confront a narcissistic person,

Maybe you want to hold a boundary with someone that you live with.

Maybe you have a friend,

And you're recognizing some covert narcissistic traits in your friend.

And maybe it's time that you know,

You're recognizing,

You know,

I need to set a boundary with this.

And I would like to explore this situation with this person.

If this person decides to give you the silent treatment,

You have to understand that that is a form of dominance and power and control.

And it's meant to trigger your abandonment wound.

It's meant to hurt you.

It's meant to make you afraid that if you open your mouth,

This person might leave you.

Now,

When we struggle with codependency,

We put up with a lot of abuse that we should.

We settle for crumbs in our relationship.

So even if we recognize that our relationships are toxic,

We'll tolerate them because in the back of our heads,

We're thinking,

I don't want to be alone,

Or this person has become family to me,

Or if I say something to this person,

Then I have no one.

You know,

I know that I struggled with this on my journey.

My family really,

In my perception,

Only sided with my ex husband,

I had one or two friends that I could talk to.

And when and if I ever had something that I wanted to confront with my friends,

I was terrified of confronting them because it meant,

What if I lose them too?

And so we have to really face as individuals and as people,

The wounds that are keeping us stuck,

And they prevent us from moving forward in life.

And so we call these attachments.

And so when I'm codependent,

And I have an abandonment wound,

I'm attaching to so many things outside of myself,

And I don't even recognize it,

Right?

To heal your life,

You have to know that what you have attached to,

What have you given your power over to?

When you say to yourself,

I need this person,

Or I need this thing to work out this way,

You're saying the opposite.

Also,

You're saying if I don't have this person in my life,

I fail.

Or if I don't get this job,

I fail.

Or if I don't acquire this thing,

I fail.

And so you're putting yourself in position number two,

Whenever you attach to something outside of you.

And I've heard people say to me on this channel,

Well,

Lisa,

You know,

What about the fact that we're human beings and we all come to attach and to bond and yeah,

That's right.

But when you don't have a healthy attachment to yourself,

You are susceptible to narcissistic abuse.

You can attract narcissistic friends,

Narcissistic work environment,

Right?

Toxic,

Toxic environments in which you will succumb to dysfunctional thoughts and subconscious fears about being abandoned.

And you might settle for crumbs and you might settle for abuse in a relationship when you don't have to.

And so it's really important to recognize if we have this abandonment trauma,

If we felt abandoned in our life,

Because what will happen in a narcissistic abusive relationship is a narcissist is going to give you the silent treatment in the hopes that they trigger your abandonment.

Now,

What you need to remember is that when somebody is using your bandimant wound against you,

What happens in most cases that we feel like it's our fault that someone is stonewalling us.

Or you might feel guilty when someone is making you feel like you're the reason that they're not talking to anymore.

How often does that happen in relationships where you say something to a friend and you're hoping that you can discuss it,

Which by the way,

That's what big people do.

Big people talk about their conflict.

They don't care to assassinate one another.

They stay on point with the topic.

They don't derail and say,

Yeah,

But you said this and you did that.

And you think you're this and you think you don't know what I think.

And you don't know what someone else thinks.

That's why it's really important that we recognize that grownup people have conversations about the food that's on the plate.

Not the food that was thrown away six months ago,

And not the food that we ate three years ago.

What's on the plate?

What's in front of me right now?

What do we need to talk about right now?

That's what big people do.

Healthy people,

They talk about what's going on now.

Now with the narcissist,

If you want to disarm a narcissist who you have decided is stonewalling you or who's giving you the silent treatment,

You have to remember not to allow yourself to feel like it's your fault that this person is trying to dominate,

Control and manipulate you and your emotions and your deepest wounds.

Because isn't that what this is all about?

Anyway,

I've said in other videos where there was a moment that my life changed and it sounds so silly now,

But looking back,

It is what it is.

We were at Applebee's,

My ex-husband and I were having a lot of marital problems and what are marital problems anyway?

You know,

I'm digressing,

But what are marital problems anyway?

So what happens is when two dysfunctional people come together,

Their energies are pretty similar.

So if you're a codependent and you've attracted someone with high narcissistic traits into your life,

You're both shame-based.

You're both shame-based and you both want something from the other person,

Right?

A codependent wants to be liked and a narcissist in most cases or someone on the spectrum would rather be adored and feared and listened to than liked.

Really not interested in being liked,

Especially by family members.

That's why it's also common for people with high narcissistic traits to be more worried about what outside people think about them like neighbors and strangers than what their own family thinks about them.

Inside the house,

A narcissistic person is very,

Is going to be more concerned with being feared and listened to than liked.

On the outside,

A person with high narcissistic traits uses the desire to be liked to their advantage,

At least in the beginning,

Like honey.

It's to attract a bee,

Right?

So it won't last long because what a narcissistic person wants in the end is dominance and control.

And so being liked is important to someone with high narcissistic traits in the beginning.

But as time goes on,

The most important thing is that the person with high narcissistic traits stays in control.

So now,

When you are dealing with the silent treatment,

It's really,

Really important that you recognize that this is not what adults do.

At least this is not what healthy adults should be doing.

And so if you come to me and say,

Lisa,

I'd like to discuss something and I don't like what you have to say,

You know,

It's up to me to be able to stand there and take it and actually listen to what you have to say and have a conversation about it.

It doesn't mean I have to agree with you.

It might even mean that the disagreement just allows us to see that we are just,

You know,

Not equally yoked at all.

And that's time to say goodbye.

And that's okay.

But when you come into a relationship and you're toxic,

You yourself can be toxic.

It's hard to admit like,

Oh my God,

I could be toxic.

But being codependent is toxic,

Right?

You're below the veil of consciousness.

You're not setting boundaries.

You don't feel good enough.

You're struggling with abandonment trauma.

You're settling for crumbs and you're resentful and you don't know how to get yourself out of it.

And you're teaching your children how to settle and how to not set boundaries.

I mean,

That's toxic.

So when you come into a relationship and you have issues,

Then you come in and you attract somebody who has similar issues.

They might be more extreme,

But at any rate,

There's toxicity on both sides.

When one of those people start to get healthy,

The relationship dynamic has to shift.

So in my experience with my ex-husband,

I was looking to grow and I wanted nothing more than to heal my life so that I could help my children get past this codependency paradigm that was active in my life.

I did not want my children attracting and or marrying people with high narcissistic traits.

That's my right as a human being.

Okay?

Whatever.

Anyway,

This day we were at Applebee's with my ex-husband.

We're having marital problems and our energy is shifting and he's sensing it.

He doesn't like it.

So one of the things that he used to do is just stop talking to me.

All right.

He stopped talking to the kids.

He stopped talking to his friends.

That's what he did.

He shut down.

And when he shut down,

He would hum.

So you ask him a question.

He would not answer you.

And in the beginning,

Because I was struggling with abandonment,

I was struggling with shame,

And I'm not good enough.

And he would say things like,

You know,

You're crazy,

Right Lisa?

Nobody thinks like you.

You're a flake.

You're a wacko.

Okay,

Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Totally devaluing me,

Totally minimizing me,

Totally triggering my abandonment trauma.

Now the truth is if I didn't have abandonment trauma,

I would have seen this for what it was as dominance,

Manipulation,

And just pure dysfunctional.

But because I had this gaping hole inside of me that made me feel like I wasn't good enough,

When he used the silent treatment on me,

What happened?

I felt responsible for the silent treatment.

I felt like it deserved it.

We were sitting at Applebee's,

Like I said,

Having marital problems.

And I asked him a question,

And he deliberately did not answer me.

He looked out the window,

He started humming,

And he started talking to the kids.

And I felt it in my soul,

Like here it comes.

He's going to stop talking to me.

And it was a monumental moment for someone like me,

Because I had to face my abandonment trauma.

And I had to say,

I deserve better.

This is wrong.

This is unhealthy.

I can't do this anymore.

Whatever this is,

It's just,

I'm not blind to it anymore.

When you're coding pennant,

You're blind.

When you start to awaken,

You're spiritually awakening,

You start to see yourself,

And you start to see what you've created.

And it is not easy.

I say hold on to yourself,

Because it is rough to recognize when you start to wake up and you recognize what you have created in your life.

Even though you came from a dysfunctional home,

Even though you have CPTSD,

Even though all of this has been so terrible for you,

None of us escape,

Because the karmic wheel keeps spinning.

And until you wake up,

And you change what you believe,

You don't get off this karmic wheel.

So you marry Joe Schmo,

Marriage one.

You divorce Joe Schmo.

Marriage number two,

You marry,

You marry Harry Joe Schmo.

It's the same person in a different package,

In a different zip code,

Until you awaken.

And so back to the story,

I met Applebee's with my ex-husband,

And I took the crayons and I wrote on a napkin,

I deserve better.

And I pushed it over to him.

I had tears in my eyes and my stomach was all up in knots,

But when I looked at him,

He knew I was not playing.

And you could see like he flashed me and looked like,

This is different.

Like she's saying that she's not going for this.

And that moment really,

Really changed my life.

I knew that it was not going to be easy to change my life.

But I knew that in that moment,

I was not taking responsibility for his poor actions.

Whereas before,

Whenever he gave me the silent treatment,

I felt guilty.

I felt like it was my fault that he was treating me this way.

Everything was my fault.

And I didn't realize how egocentric that was.

But it's just a mirror to childhood.

Don't beat yourself up if you're realizing like,

Wow,

I thought everything was about me.

When you have codependency and you've grown up in a very strict,

Let's say for example,

Strict home with a lot of rules where everything was supposed to be perfect.

And the children in the home were given this idea that they should be perfect.

They should not make mistakes.

Or if you grew up in a religious home where you were guilted into submission and guilted into being a perfect child,

Now what are the neighbors going to think?

That kind of stuff.

You walk around with a scarlet letter of guilt.

You really do think that everything is your fault.

And so when you're a child,

You are egocentric.

And when mommy's upset,

You think,

Oh,

What did I do?

That's natural.

That's natural.

Children don't understand what's going on in Timbuktu.

They care about what's happening in the four walls of their kitchen.

So if daddy's upset,

What did they do?

If daddy's not playing with them,

What did they do?

And as adults,

Because we haven't worked this stuff out,

Because we're below the veil of consciousness and we're codependent and we're attached and we're manifesting chaos in our life,

Life has gotten really difficult.

We don't know that this is absolutely a pattern.

And so as an adult that's struggling with guilt and shame,

Like so many codependents do,

When someone stops speaking to you,

Yeah,

You think it's your fault.

And yeah,

That could be a little egocentric,

But that's because the little kid in you is suffering with this abandonment trauma,

This self-abandonment trauma with this shame and this guilt.

So the next time someone gives you the silent treatment,

Remind your inner child that it's not your fault.

You're dealing with somebody who is not treating you with respect.

It is not acting like a big person.

Thank you so much for being here and may you have a blessed day and know that you are enough.

Reviews

Thank you. Heading about how you changed your life is inspiring me to keep changing mine!
🦋

i have loved listening to Breakdown to Breakthough on youtube for a long time! i’m so glad she is here too

Excellent

Ghosting and blocking are narcissistic abuse. It’s not generational, it’s not a trend, it’s not simply a setting on your phone. It’s intentionally cruel to hurt you. We collectively must call it out for what it is and reject it.

Going through this scenario today, so synchronistic to discover this talk. I’ve moved on from guilt and self blame for others actions towards me, it’s empowering me. Thank you for sharing this information. 😄🙏🏻

Very useful as always.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for this reflection!

So helpful, merci beaucoup 🙏🏻☀️

Such a helpful podcast! Like all the others! THANK YOU, Lisa❣️

Lisa you are such a soulful person. Your words spoke to me at a different level. You have helped me, thank you a billion times!

Very informative! I learned a lot. Thank you Lisa!!!

Thank you !!!!! You hit the nail on the head !!!! I was crying by the time your talk was over. Thank you again for your insight. It will make a difference in my life. Now I understand.

Thank you, Lisa for another enlightening talk. ❤

Wow so clearly defined like looking into Chrystal water ! Thank you 🙏🏾

Thank you Lisa for all our wisdom on your talk.
Very much appreciated.Namaste.

Lisa you so know your subject, amazing

Perfect timing in my life to hear this. 🙏🏼

Spot on!
I would like to awaken my two girls (22 and 23 years old) so that they can find healthier partners than I have and feel better about themselves. But then I have to tell them bad thing about their father and that their father is unhealthy (Unhealthy is as far as I can go. Can't put the title narcissist or psychopath on him because that are pretty heavy diagnosis'. And for that he would have to meet an psychologist or psychiatrist.)
For my self, I had an colleague that informed me that I had an trauma. I first refused but after some time I saw that she had a point and went to see an fantastic therapist who is specialised in this topic. Made a big change for me but I'm not completely healed. Still afraid of conflicts and abandonment when I try to stand up for my self.

Excellent. Really helped me understand and better cope with my feelings. Thanks

Oh my! It is like you can see right through what is happening in my ‘life’ right now!! 3yrs in and the dismissive abuse is unrelenting. Your talk has given me a new way to think when it happens. Thank you!