Codependency When We Love Too Much

Those of us with high empathy tend to attract those who are less empathic. Codependents are other-focused while those with high narcissistic traits are self-focused. If you struggle with codependency, there are things you need to know to help you avoid attracting narcissistic partners. Highly empathic people tend to attract narcissists like flames attract moths and the more we understand this dynamic the greater our chances of avoiding drama in the future.

Transcript

Before I knew that I was codependent all I knew for sure was that I felt crazy Nothing that I had been conditioned to believe in worked I watched my mother since for as long as I could remember acquiesce to my father clean scrub put her own needs on hold and stuff her first frustration My mom was not the kind of person who or wife that would go up against my dad So if he was having a bad day and my mother was having a bad day Well his bad day always trumped her bad day My mom worked for my dad out of the home she answered the phones for his business and she was responsible for routing calls throughout New York because my dad was a mechanic and He would repair refrigerators and my mom didn't even drive for a very long time well into her 30s.

I believe and She didn't know anything about the city and So when she routed a call to somewhere my father didn't want to go or if it was too hot and it took too long to get from one place to the other my dad would explode on her and I would watch my mom just stuff her anger.

She never pushed him back and I always wondered why why didn't she ever push him back and eventually I just Grew to understand that my father's feelings were more important than anyone's That his anger and his rage was more important than my mother's feelings our feelings It was just dad's anger trumped everybody's feelings and I watched my mother Navigate this codependent dance that she had with my dad and on many days it broke my heart because she tried so hard to please him and He seemed almost impossible to please if not impossible to please there was always something else that he could complain about and Watching her as little girl.

I grew to take on those traits with my mom So I became a people pleaser.

I became the peacemaker I became the person who was worried about everybody else in the room I was the person who stood up at every party to eat her food.

I was the last one to eat I was the first person to attend a cocktail party and the last person to leave because I would help the hostess clean set up And I would help the hostess break the tables down put everything away If you were in a room,

You know with someone like me or my mother we weren't tuned in to ourselves We were tuned into what you needed We were worried about filling up your drink.

We were worried about getting you ice.

We were worried that your food might get cold totally detached from our experience of what we were experiencing in the moment Codependency implies that you're codependent on something Someone or some experience or even a belief or an idea outside of the self for comfort validation Acceptance and or a sense of self Those of us who struggle with codependency very oftentimes have been raised in codependent homes Where our parents played out this codependent dynamic In most cases codependence are raised in codependent homes and or unpredictable homes many of us who come from alcoholic homes or Homes where one or both of our parents were narcissistic or one parent was narcissistic more narcissistic and one parent was more codependent We can develop symptoms of codependency If we were adopted out put in foster homes and our homes were unpredictable When we never felt safe Then we can develop this sense of I am not enough We lack a sense of self All children need a nurturing home environment They all need a connection to their parents and especially their mother if you come from a home where This connection to your mother and or your father to the authorities in your life that you love are fragile If you have been taught that what you think and feel is unimportant If you have been taught that you what you think about yourself is irrelevant If there were no boundaries in your home if there was a lot of mocking a lot of criticism A lot of lacking of respect for boundaries.

There's no respect for boundaries How many of us come from homes where they're screaming and yelling and fighting and the siblings don't get along It's just madness when I was growing up.

It was like our home felt like we were walking on a mine a land mine Sometimes I wondered if I was the only person that could feel it I kept waiting for the next shoe to drop waiting for my mother to explode or Waiting for my father to say something to upset my mother or waiting for my brother and daughter to say something My mother or waiting for my brother and sister and I to like get into a fight.

It was maddening It never felt safe.

Although from the outside of the perfect which only made me feel even more crazy Because there's the picket fence and there's the mom who's cooking dinner and there's the dad that's going to work every day You know codependents also struggle with the sense of feeling selfish which makes us you know such prime targets for those with narcissistic abuse because A narcissist uses projection on their victims to keep them stuck and so if you're somebody who struggles with i'm not enough or guilt and shame and You feel like something's wrong with you.

And if you feel super responsible For what's happening around you even if it has nothing to do with you Then when you meet up with a narcissist,

It's going to be very easy for you to become manipulated And to be convinced that whatever is going on in the relationship is your fault Codependency feels like you are living outside the aquarium Like the party is happening down the block and for whatever reason you're never invited or even if you are invited You just don't fit in Codependency feels like you don't know who you are.

You struggle with who am I?

Codependency feels like you are detached from the self you can suffer with great anxiety depression anger rage and resentment and Be codependent and have no idea that it's because below the veil of consciousness You're seeking your happiness and your validation outside of the self What does it mean to seek validation outside of the self exactly?

What I mean by that is so many of us think that the relationship that we're in is going to make us Happy that once I find my soulmate.

I will finally feel happy We're looking to secure an attachment and a bond to someone and this someone is outside of the self And we seek this bond because we're not connected to the self And so we ferociously believe a relationship is going to fill us up Sadly in lots of cases we attract emotionally unavailable partners.

And what do we do?

We cling We hold on We stay in these toxic relationships because we don't have a healthy sense of self We don't have boundaries.

We don't know how to enforce boundaries and we also don't know how to accept how we feel Codependency is living in denial of How we feel and it's also living in the denial that we have a self at all And so codependents are running around the world trying to take care of other people Running themselves ragged trying to make sure everybody's okay,

And they don't know how to check in with the self Codependents are the people in the world that we look at and we think oh my gosh,

They are selfless They just take care of everybody They're the person in the family that is running themselves into the ground making sure that everybody has what they need And we honor these people right and even the codependent the codependent is like i'm taking care of everybody like isn't that weird?

I'm supposed to be doing I did that for 12 years inside my marriage.

My mother did it until the day she died Over 50 years,

You know with my dad in that type of a marriage I was codependent inside my marriage for 12 years and it nearly killed me and i'm and i'm not Exaggerating when I tell you that I thought I was going to die All of this people pleasing all of this denying of myself All of this doing for others thinking that one day i'm finally going to get that pat on the back or one day I'm finally going to feel connected to my husband All of that stuff I was living detached from the need to take care of myself.

So I had no sense of self I didn't know that I was you know,

Totally exhausting myself Giving energy to my children giving energy to the kids schools giving energy to my friends Taking care of my sister-in-law who was very ill at the time I had another sister-in-law who had ms at the time Constantly seeing myself as somebody who needed to fill in the gaps of everybody else's life There's nothing wrong with wanting to be somebody who is helpful But when we extend ourselves at the expense of the self When we are not recognizing that we are burnt out When we are not recognizing when we are being abused There were times when I was taking care of very sick people and I thought maybe i'm being taken advantage of But it took me so long to be able to say wait a minute.

This doesn't feel right This doesn't feel good and I think i'm being taken advantage of here now for a codependent to say no more I'm not doing this anymore.

I'm not taking care of you I'm not extending myself this way My own laundry is piling up.

You know,

I'm not exercising I'm not meditating i'm doing your food shopping.

I'm not doing my own food shopping For codependent to let go and stop taking care of somebody is a huge huge thing It means that we have to accept that the people that we're taking care of might be pissed off or get angry When we stop taking care of them It means that all of our not enough stuff.

I'm not enough stuff is going to come to the surface It means that we're letting go of the possibility That this person that we've decided to take care of will one day pat us on the back And give us the validation we seek we don't realize as codependents those of us who suffer from codependency We don't realize just how desperate we are for acceptance and love To be nurtured to feel like we belong and we have this need and this need is created Dependencies and these dependencies are unhealthy and they're quite dysfunctional In the healthiest of relationships what we experience is want versus a need When I want to be your friend that means that I don't need to be your friend And i've decided that you're a friend that's worthy of my friendship.

You're worthy of my time If i'm somebody who feels insecure and worries that she's not good enough and worries that she's not interesting enough And you know,

I'm not going to be able to do that She's not interesting enough and you know,

It tends to isolate i'm going to Perhaps need to have the people that I have happened upon Want me to be with them.

I'm going to need it.

I'm going to crave it And this puts me in a position of feeling disempowered because once I need For you to take care of me and my emotions and to call on me and to check on me The power is in your hands not in my hands.

So codependence really have to realize that When they are in a position of need versus want they're giving all of their power over to this person that they think they need Or let's say I feel as if I need to make you know $150,

000 a year.

I need it.

I need it because unless I do it,

I won't feel worthy I'm afraid to tell my mother where I am in my career I'm afraid to tell my boyfriend where I am in my career,

Whatever the case may be When I have set up this idea in my head that has me believing it's all super ego stuff,

Right?

This paradigm of well if you were good enough,

You'd make $150,

000 a year and this that and you'd be married And you'd have a ring on your finger.

That's five carrots large and you'd have a you know wedding party And you'd have a wedding of over 300 guests and blah blah blah blah and you go to an island for your honeymoon Really?

Sometimes people think this way I can't be happy unless I have all of these things if I believe that Then what will happen is I will chase the $150,

000 salary,

But I won't chase my happiness I won't pay attention to how I feel in the chasing of that salary.

I'm not connected to the self I won't even know that I'm in denial of the self And so when red flags show up at the business and the company that I work for I won't pay attention to them because the paradigm that I'm running is no no no if I'm successful Then I I need this hundred and fifty thousand dollars salary.

So I'm codependent even upon this faulty belief I'm codependent on this idea of the salary and and having myself believe that's where it's at.

That's going to bring me happiness Whenever you identify with something outside of yourself or a sense of identity You can presume that you're codependent on this false idea Most of us identify as being codependent inside relationship dynamics where we are the people pleasers we acquiesce We're afraid to rock the boat and we have this incredible Over overwhelming sense of powerlessness,

Right?

And so a passive codependent is somebody who has decided that it's better to shut up Than to rock the boat,

Which my mother was a passive codependent married.

My dad is in my opinion High on a narcissistic spectrum and my mother learned that whenever she opened her mouth there was pain there was pain So he would get louder.

He would get um,

He would he might say something Not very flattering to her.

So she just decided over time.

It's better for me not not to say anything.

So it's a passive codependent I entered my marriage as a passive codependent and walked out an angry rageful active codependent Where I wasn't afraid to have the confrontation?

I wasn't afraid to confront my partner But at the end at the back of my mind,

You know And and what what made my mother and I similar was I felt powerless just like she did I kept having this argument in this conversation thinking this is the time he's going to get it This is the time when we're finally going to feel like we're on the same page and that day never came Both my mother and my and myself we attracted unavailable emotionally unavailable men Relationships that were not available Relationships that were frustrating relationships that absolutely demanded that we put the people in our lives first And that we not have needs You know,

Um my mother it was frowned upon my mother worked and had her made her own money And my father frowned upon her spending and any of this money on herself He she should have given it all to him so they could save the money And you know if I dared to suggest that I was going to have a manicure My ex-husband would look at me like I was selfish that didn't have the right to do that And that's those are just little instances But with both men both men were able to successfully make my mother and I feel guilty for taking care of the self So we associated pain with that and because we love these men and we we wanted their approval more than anything Then we were able to disown the self not take care of the self to try to prove ourselves worthy of the men that we Manifested into our lives the thing that we need to pay attention to is as recovering codependence from dysfunctional homes adult children of alcoholics adult children of narcissistic parents children who come from Homes that are unpredictable that are not stable children who have been bounced around in foster care those of us who have suffered from Torture who have suffered from sexual abuse and alike.

We have to understand that at our core.

We've been Dissociated from the self we have been detached from the self We have not been allowed to find the self and to feel connected to the self and what ends up happening is we fear rejection And when we get inside relationship dynamics,

There's this force this this this this addiction That is overwhelming that is like a moth to a flame.

We are craving the connection to this other person What happens in a lot of the cases especially for those of us who are still below the veil of consciousness is we end up?

Attracting energy partners that mimic the energies of those the maternal parent who Abandoned and rejected us or abused us when we were children So this podcast is for anybody who is looking to better understand codependency and what it feels like and the varying dynamic Dynamics that show up when you're suffering from codependency how you might become codependent Codependent who might become codependent in terms of criteria in childhood the difference between active codependency versus passive codependency and the way Codependents feel look forward to more podcasts on this dynamic and let me know what you think about this podcast And let me know what you'd like to hear on the breakdown to break through podcast.

Thanks so much for being here.

Bye for now you

Reviews

I was 64 years old when I heard The most understandable explanation of codependency. Thank you! Now to research your books and podcast. 😊

These podcasts are so helpful in assisting me to understand that I am not alone, not crazy, and worthy of healthy love. Thank you!

You have brought so much awareness into my life. Your talks give me strength to continue on my path of healing and growth. Thank you for sharing your light.

Thank you for this insightful talk 🙏

Gave me a bit to think about Re career prospects and why I do things. Interesting. Thanks. 🙏💕

This is another insightful talk! I can see how I’ve shared traits of codependency and attract partners who are emotionally unavailable. I saw signs of emotional unavailability in my last relationship but still fell in love. Is it possible to be aware of our codependency while allowing space for growth? Thank you so much for your insights as always 💙🙏🏽

thanks Lisa. i love your talks that help me understand what codependent is in all its forms. and solutions to change that. like this talk for example, explaining how we can be codependent with a career. that was me. all my identity was in that career and when i sold the business i didn’t know who i was.

Resonates so so very deeply, but how do we reconnect to ourselves and stop being disassociated? I’ve been working on that for years and still struggling

Incredibly insightful. Thank you. I look forward to learning more from you.

Eye-opening as always, thank you for sharing and the examples help a lot too

This resonates with me. Great talk about a very difficult subject, delivered with care. Thanks 🙏🏾

A compassionate and highly informative overview of codependency. Definitely looking forward to more talks from you Lisa.

Great explanation of why some of us are codependent.

I am a recovering codependent as well… and a very long time I was ashamed of myself… not knowing that there are probably millions of codependents in this world!! Thank you! This is very helpful!♥️🙏

This was so helpful! I have always been a people pleaser and everyone indeed loves it. But it was good to have an external and broad vision of why I may act this way and what are the consequences for my own life. Thank you!

So grateful for how revealing this was..

That was so honest and thorough. Would love to hear more on how to break the codependent pattern.

Thankyou for helping me find my lightbulb moment

Brilliant! Thank you Lisa.

Thanks Lisa very insightful. Two people on their own unique discovery path of the love/energy within themselves yet glow in the warmth of their partner must only define a blissful relationship.