Garden Variety Narcissist

13:22

13:22

Garden Variety Narcissist

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talks

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Meditation

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Have you ever been charmed by someone you think was a narcissist, who apologized, said they were sorry and promised to change, only to discover change was never permanent? In this video, I break down what I call the "garden variety narcissist" and explain why their attempts at change are often temporary. You'll learn how narcissists react to shame, why accountability feels threatening to them, how image management drives their behavior, and the signs that their promises to change may be more about keeping you from leaving than genuine personal growth. If you've been holding on to someone's potential and wondering whether lasting change is possible, this video will help you see the difference between real transformation and temporary behavior modification. If you are codependent, or if you have suffered abandonment trauma issues, you need to see these patterns and traits clearly, so you don't stay in relationships that are toxic and never change. *Please note: This content is for educational and supportive purposes and is not a replacement for professional therapy or medical care.*

Codependency Emotional Manipulation Emotional Regulation Inner Child Healing Boundary Setting Healing

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Transcript

A garden variety narcissist is not always the loudest, Most obnoxious, Cruelest, Or obvious person in the room. Many appear wounded, Charming, Anxious, Successful, Spiritual, Generous, Or even loving at times. This is why people stay confused for years, Especially if you struggle with abandonment issues and codependency. The problem is not that they never say they're sorry. The problem is that their ego is organized around self-protection, Not self-reflection. A healthy person can sit with discomfort long enough to ask, What if I'm wrong? What if I hurt someone? What part of this belongs to me. What am I doing here? A narcissistic person tends to experience accountability as annihilation. Their nervous system and ego defenses are built to avoid shame at all costs. So instead of true introspection, They project, They deny, Rewrite history, Blame shift. They will minimize, Justify, Guilt trip, Rage, Withdraw, Or perform temporary change. And this is where so many codependents become entrapped and enslaved in these relationships. You confuse behavioral management with real transformation. Yes? They may have temporarily stopped yelling or ignoring you. They may cry when you leave. Yes, They may promise therapy. Yes, They can warm up to you once they sense that you're going to abandon them or set a boundary. But fear of losing supply is not the same as developing true empathy. Many narcissistic people can modify behavior strategically when consequences suddenly appear. That does not mean that the core issue has changed. And this is what you need to be aware of. So here's why narcissists rarely, If ever, Change. Because real change requires sustained self-awareness. Empathy without self-interest. Accountability without ego collapse. It requires grief work, Shadow work, Emotional regulation, Long-term behavioral consistency, And a willingness to dismantle the false self. They have to be willing to be wrong. And most do not do this work because the false self protects them from unbearable shame. Their entire identity structure is organized around avoiding vulnerability. Superiority and inferiority swings and maintaining control over your perception of them. So what often happens is not healing, It's a short-term adaptation. So for a short while, They learn a new language. They become more covert. They study your reactions. They perform insight. They mirror growth. But in time, You'll see, Beneath the surface, The same emotional patterns remain. A sense of entitlement. A lack of empathy, Emotional manipulation, Control, Victimhood, Externalization, And avoidance of true accountability. And this is the painful truth many people in toxic relationships avoid because they are attached to this garden snake variety's potential. You don't need more jargon. You need clarity. You need to understand what's happening in you and why it's so hard for you to walk away from these toxic relationships. You're not in love with who they consistently are. You're attached to glimpses of who they could be. And trauma-bonded people especially struggle here because intermittent reinforcement creates a neurological addiction. The occasional self-aware moment, The occasional tenderness, The occasional apology or vulnerability or breakthrough moment. Activates hope and dopamine in your brain. So you begin emotionally surviving on possibility instead of what you're living in reality But relationships are not built on potential, As they shouldn't be. They're built on patterns, Not promises. Patterns, Not chemistry, Consistency, Not words spoken during panic after abandonment. You start holding them accountable, And they can sense that you're going to set a boundary. Daily demonstrated character who this person is every day and this is where guilt keeps many people trapped you think What if they really can change? What if I abandon them? What if I'm giving up too soon? What if they stick with therapy this time? But clarity requires asking a different question of you, Especially if you struggle with abandonment issues. How many years of your life are you willing to sacrifice waiting for someone to become the person they repeatedly show you that they are not committed to becoming? Someone truly committed to healing does not simply fear losing you. They fear continuing harming you. And others as well as themselves. And that is a huge difference to everyone. A person doing authentic inner work develops insight even when there is no immediate reward. Their empathy deepens. Their defenses actually decreased. The accountability increases and their behavior changes consistently over time, Not just during moments of crisis, Abandonment, Or exposure. You cannot heal another person by staying long enough to prove your loyalty. And many adult children of dysfunction, Divorce, And immature parents were conditioned to believe that enduring pain by overexplaining. By waiting, Rescuing, And self-abandonment were forms of love. And they're not. Sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is stop confusing someone's potential with their pattern. And you learning to finally allow reality to become your true anchor. Like I said, Codependents don't need more jargon. Children from emotionally immature homes, They don't need more information. What they need is clarity. What is really happening here? A garden variety narcissist. I used to call my ex the Boy Scout Narcissist. Everybody loved him. And as I became the fly on the wall, I could see how his behavior changed when there was an audience. He was a great performer. And behind the mask was someone who, In a pinch, Needed to be right. Which meant that he couldn't hear me. Which meant that he needed to live in this ego defensive loop. Which meant that I couldn't break through that. Which meant that he could not have empathy for me. Which meant that he couldn't meet me halfway. And yet there I was, Married, Had a business, And I had three kids. And I had to make one of the toughest decisions in my life. Which was to end that relationship with the garden variety narcissist. And I'm not saying I was perfect, Because God knows I wasn't, And I know I wasn't. I was very reactive. I kept trying to change him. You spend a dozen years trying to change someone. Who refuses to change, Who cries, Oh, I needed this conversation. I needed you to threaten to leave me before I could see how serious this was, Yada, Yada, Yada. You spend 12 years with someone. You have three children with them. You have a mortgage with them. And you see the same thing happening over and over and over. Yeah, You get angry after a while. You're tired. You empty yourself into this relationship. You give this person the best years of your life. And they cannot return the favor. Because they're not willing to do the inner work. And that was the clarifying moment for me, When I realized I will do anything to save my marriage. And that means change myself. That means becoming completely, 100% radically accountable for my thoughts and my feelings and my expectations. I will do anything to save this marriage. And he told our therapist, I'm not changing. And there it was. He had been telling me for 12 years, I'm not changing, Through every circular conversation. Through every night I cried myself to sleep. But I, Like a little girl, Kept hoping that this would change, Just like I hoped one day my father would hear me, Just like I hoped one day my mother would love me. If I could just say it this way, It'll click, And they'll love me. It was the little girl inside of me that ached for this, But I didn't know it. It wasn't me. It was my programming. I was living below the veil of consciousness, Acting out my childhood patterns. And I didn't know that I attracted someone who was the perfect match to the wounds that I carried. And it wasn't until the pain in my life got so hard, And I really pray, Pray, Pray, That you don't have to get as sick as I got. That you don't develop asthma. That you don't develop crippling migraine headaches, That you don't develop stomach issues, That you don't develop rashes from head to toe that doctors can't name. I pray to God that you don't end up with panic disorder or depression. Because you're in love with a fantasy. You're in love with someone's potential, And you just need the clarity. I know how hard it is to walk away from a garden variety narcissist, Or what I call a boy scout narcissist, Somebody who everybody loves and somebody who sees themselves as really good because compared to their father or their mother, They think they're better. But they lack the self-awareness to see that they lack empathy for their partners. And their change comes. On the heels of you wanting to leave them because they've frustrated you so much. What you need to see, Dear one, Is that this is a pattern and patterns don't lie. They are the greatest predictor of your future. The hardest thing in the world, I feel, For a codependent who's struggling with abandonment trauma is to act on behalf of the self. What helped me as a codependent, And it always has, I have the fortitude and the strength to do for others what I could never do for myself. So when I started thinking about this idea that I'm going to leave and start over for my children, That helped. Because I wasn't leaving for me. I was leaving for them. Because I was their role model. I had programmed them for codependency and a lack of self and frustration and trying to change people. Not listening to the self for so long. So I wanted to leave so I had an opportunity to show them how to stand on their own two feet, Face their abandonment trauma. And get up and make life work. Put one foot in front of the other. Do the hard stuff. And it gets easier and then your life improves. I wanted to prove that to them. And I knew that if I didn't do it, They could never do it. They could never break free. Breakthrough or break free they could never stand on their own two feet even if they did have abandonment trauma for me and their dad So I knew that that was like step one. I could do it for them. The next thing that helped me was setting a boundary for me and saying no more to this potential and this garden variety narcissistic cycle. Even though there was a good person in there, This person was not doing the inner work, So they were never going to change. Boom. Once I saw that clearly, It was like, I have a choice to make. It's going to be a hard choice. But it's either I get drained in a relationship with someone who's not going to do the inner work and doesn't even see that they lack empathy. It's like they look at me like I have 10 heads. Either I'm going to drain my life. With this relationship for potential, And feel sorry for this person, And try to change them, And basically die of some autoimmune disease. Either that's the way I'm going to roll out my life, Or I'm going to say namaste, Thank you for teaching me what I needed to learn, Because I would have never learned this about myself if I didn't attract you, And I didn't lose myself, And I didn't get sick trying to fix you. And I don't hate you, But I just see that this isn't going to work. Maybe you need someone who's at the same level of lack of awareness as you are that won't be so frustrated by you. That is happy with you. But this isn't enough for me. Or you can choose that road. And yes, It would be the toughest decision of your life. But once you say to yourself and you say to the universe, I matter, Guess what happens? The universe meets you there. The stars start to align. Things start to work out for you because you're no longer in a stress response. Your energy changes. You have to have faith. It's faith over fear. In one relationship, You're holding on to. What could be sucking a tailpipe. And in the next, Even though that you're alone, In the next, You're honoring the self. And you're out of the stress response. You're in rest and digest. And now that you're no longer dealing with that, Your thoughts change, Your consciousness change, Your cognitive level increases. You're not stuck in this cognitive dissonance back and forth. You're not anticipating the next argument, The gaslighting moment. You're not worried about bringing something up because they're going to ignore you in the car. You're not worried about those things. So your life actually improves. So I really hope that this has been helpful. It's all about learning to live above the veil of consciousness. Thank you so much, Ms. Tiernes. And that requires tremendous inner self work. This is mental Olympics, But I promise you, As someone who's made it through the veil, I've crossed the thalamus, I've made it to the prefrontal cortex. The view is great here. And it is an honor to be your guide. Namaste. Until next time, As I bow to the love and light that is actually and absolutely in you.