Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.
My name is Lisa A.
Romano.
I am a life coach,
Bestselling author,
YouTube vlogger,
Meditation teacher,
And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.
I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.
My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.
May your heart feel blessed,
Your mind feel expanded,
And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.
So today we're going to be talking about the power of woe is me.
It might be a little confusing to hear me say that there's power in recognizing woe is me.
You see,
Woe is me is usually meant to mean poor me,
Or we catch ourselves complaining too much.
We catch someone else complaining.
Have you ever said to someone,
Oh,
Woe is me,
You know,
Joking around,
Trying to help them understand like,
Wow,
Dude,
Like you're complaining about something like that is ridiculous.
I'm like,
Do you realize you've been complaining for the past day?
And like,
There's nothing positive coming out of your mouth.
Like you're so negative.
Have you ever said that to someone or maybe someone has said that to you?
And we can hear this woe is me when we are learning to be more observing about our own thoughts.
It's very powerful when you recognize that you are complaining.
It is very powerful when you recognize your own negative thinking.
It is very powerful to recognize when you are in a loop of negative thinking in your mind and it's a loop.
It's literally a feedback system.
You recognize something in your environment.
It makes you feel unpleasant.
Your mind decides that this is a bad thing.
It should not be happening,
But it is.
You associate pain with this thing and your brain begins to rationalize why this really is a bad thing.
And there you go.
You're on a roller coaster ride.
Your sister asked you to watch the dog again,
Even though you've insisted that you were not going to watch the new puppy that she purchased because your puppy or your dog passed away a few years ago.
And you understand that this dog is going to tie you down.
You told your sister you didn't want her to buy a dog,
But she bought a dog.
And you told her,
I'm not watching this dog,
But she insists on asking you to watch the dog and you're angry about it.
You've been triggered and you can't let it go.
It's days now you're infuriated that your sister asked you to watch this dog,
Continues to ask you to watch the dog,
Even though you've asked her not to ask you to watch the dog and you can't let it go.
Your husband's like,
Geez,
Sue,
Let it go.
Let it go.
Your kid's like,
Mom,
You can't let this go.
You've caught yourself in a loop,
A neurological loop,
And you can't get off.
You can't get off the bus.
It just keeps going round and round and round and round.
I think it's very powerful when we are on this loop or we are on this bus,
When we hear ourselves say,
What was me?
Like I'm complaining about this thing a lot.
And in the complaining,
I'm just feeling angrier and angrier and angrier.
And that's what happens because when we get caught complaining and we're caught in this loop of complaining,
Your brain says,
Yeah,
You're right.
And she did this and she did that.
It's sort of like when you buy a car and you've never seen your car on the road before,
But suddenly you drive your car off the lot and you notice those cars everywhere because you've picked up on it.
You've brought it into your field.
How did you do that?
You paid attention to it.
You have now instructed your brain to look at this thing,
To observe your sister,
And your brain will do everything it can to justify your anger.
The problem with that is all that does is make us angrier and angrier and angrier.
In my coaching program,
What I do is I ask people to look at the things that make them angry.
The first few weeks,
We're looking at the things that are upsetting,
Actually asking people what triggers you.
However,
The difference is that we do this knowing that the intention is to shift.
The intention is to learn how to mold those thoughts.
The intention is to recognize where I am complaining,
What keeps me stuck,
How my brain has been wired to justify and rationalize my feelings,
Why I dislike my sister.
My brain is going to come up with a thousand reasons to justify why I dislike my sister,
Or why I dislike my father,
Or why I dislike my mother,
All of which are most likely very,
Very valid,
By the way.
However,
If you stay on that loop without knowing that the goal is to be released of the woe is me,
The goal is to find the power in acknowledging how you feel.
The first step is,
What am I complaining about?
The first step is,
Woe is me,
What am I complaining about?
What am I fixated upon?
That's the first step.
If you don't know that you've been caught in a cycle of woe is me,
There's a hole in the wall that you don't see,
And so your energy is going to keep escaping from that hole in the wall.
So the first step is,
Woe is me,
What am I complaining about?
Who am I giving my power over to?
What am I fixating on?
How is it that I stay on this loop?
How do I feel?
I feel like crap,
I feel angry,
I feel powerless.
Well,
If you are thinking that your sister doesn't have the right to ask you to watch the dog and you are angry about this,
Then you are focusing on something that you can't control,
And that is why you're suffering.
That is why you're angry,
Because you're trying to control your sister.
Your sister bought the dog.
Your sister asked you to watch the dog.
Your power is not in your anger for your sister.
Your power is not in your sister controlling your sister.
Your power is in accepting your anger.
So I guess you could say there is power in your anger as long as you accept it,
You don't resist it,
And you don't use it to rationalize and justify being passive aggressive,
Stonewalling her,
Gaslighting her,
Projecting upon her,
Being nasty,
Resenting her,
Watching the dog,
And then hating her because you feel pushed into watching the dog.
It's far greater,
Better for you to acknowledge your anger and then to decide what you're going to do about it.
Decide very quickly what you can control and what you can't control.
When we're caught in a woe is me cycle,
Often it's because our brain is justifying our anger and we're caught on this loop.
It's an unconscious loop and our bodies are getting angrier and more anxious all the time and it's this negative feedback loop that just causes us more anxiety and then our brain says,
Well,
Remember this,
Remember this,
Remember this.
It's your brain's way of staying congruent.
It's a design that was intended to help people survive,
But it's a design that,
However,
It is a design that someone who is on the spiritual awakened path,
The path to enlightenment,
The person who is on the path to personal development,
The person whose intention it is to heal from codependency,
It is a process that you must become aware of.
Think about people who do terrible things,
Evil things,
Their brain rationalizes their feelings.
Think about the most heinous act,
The heinous crime you could ever imagine.
The only way that someone can carry that out is if their brain gives them the information that they have a right to feel the way they feel.
Think about someone,
A man who is having trouble processing his anger towards women,
Maybe grew up with a very narcissistic mother.
He's a misogynist.
He enjoys inflicting pain on women.
Think about what happens in his brain.
Think about a cult leader.
Think about a cult leader who rationalize and justifies the hurting of children or the hurting of women.
There's a thought.
Most likely it started with the woe is me thought,
And the brain justifies how they feel,
Justifies their anger.
That person deserves to be punished.
The brain says,
Yes,
This is why,
And this is why,
And this is why,
And this is why.
This is the way the brain operates below the veil of consciousness.
When we awaken to our own woe is me mentality,
When we acknowledge when we're having a pity party,
When we acknowledge we're making everyone else wrong,
When we have that moment of awakening,
It's a very,
Very powerful moment.
It's when I can say,
Wait a minute,
What am I thinking here?
How is my brain just operated?
How am I making things worse?
Where am I letting go of the reins of consciousness?
Where am I justifying feeling like a victim?
Where am I giving my power over to things that I cannot control?
How am I perpetuating this anger?
Where am I saying I can't have any decision right now?
Like my sister is in control?
I'm angry and I'm irritated.
Isn't there a better way?
What if I just told my sister,
No,
I'm not watching the dog?
What if I was very mature about this and accepted that this is her responsibility,
Accepted that if she wants to conduct her life the way she wants to conduct it with a young puppy at home that needs to be trained,
Housebroken,
I told her that this was going to be an issue.
She likes to spend nights out.
She likes to travel.
I told her this dog would saddle her and I told her I was not going to take on the responsibility of housebreaking it.
I told her that.
And so no,
I'm not going to watch the dog and train the dog so that she can be irresponsible during this time.
This is her responsibility.
And so I'm going to tell my sister no and then I am going to let it go.
I'm going to accept that she's angry.
I'm going to accept that she's annoyed.
Of course she's annoyed.
I said no.
I'm not letting her get away with this.
I'm not letting her put this on me.
It's not my responsibility.
And so I accept that she's going to be annoyed.
I surrender to it.
I'm not going to try to control it.
Pass the butter.
I use that phrase when I'm trying to help people understand that there are things that you just don't have to hold on to.
In this situation,
Your sister's anger,
Her upset is none of your business.
That's on her side of the fence.
The dog,
Her side of the fence.
Her responsibilities to this dog,
Her side of the fence.
Her wanting to live the life that she's always led,
Knowing that she just purchased a puppy,
She brought a puppy home.
No,
It doesn't work that way.
And if you want to travel when you're trying to house train a dog,
Good luck finding someone who wants to take that on.
There are people who'll do it,
But that's on her side of the fence.
Any upset that she has,
Any steam that's coming out of her ears as she's annoyed because she can't spend the night at her boyfriend's house or girlfriend's house and she has to literally train this dog,
That's on her side of the fence.
We have to learn to be uncomfortable when people are uncomfortable.
That's the mature way of dealing with things.
It is immature to say yes to someone when you mean no and then to wade in self-pity because now you resent this person because they asked you to do something that you wish they hadn't.
They did.
They did.
They asked you something.
They have a right to ask you,
But guess what?
You have a right to say no.
You have a right to say no.
You have a right to set a boundary.
And oftentimes,
Woe is Me is tied to us violating our own boundaries.
So the next time you catch yourself complaining,
Know that that's a good thing.
You've just had a moment of self-awareness.
And see if you can ask yourself these very self-inquiring questions about how long you want to stay there.
What boundary have you allowed someone else to cross?
What lack of control are you giving up to this other person?
In other words,
What control are you giving this other person?
Where are you letting go of your reins?
Where are you not being authentic?
What are you struggling with?
Is it people pleasing?
Is it fawning?
Is it feeling sorry for yourself and not taking care of your responsibility,
Which is to be honest about how you really feel?
What's really going on?
So the next time you catch yourself feeling sorry for yourself,
See if you can use the Woe is Me to your advantage.
Thank you so much for being here.
