5 Ways To Deal With A Narcissist Without Arguing

Do you walk away from conversations with a narcissistic person feeling confused, emotionally drained, or unsure of your own reality? Do you replay the conversation afterward, wondering what you should have said or how you could have explained yourself differently?
In this powerful episode of the Breakdown to Breakthroughs Podcast, trauma-informed life coach Lisa A. Romano explains why arguing with a narcissist rarely leads to understanding, resolution, or emotional peace. Instead, narcissistic people may use arguments to maintain control, provoke emotional reactions, avoid accountability, and keep you engaged in a cycle that leaves you exhausted.
Drawing from more than 20 years of experience helping adult children of dysfunction heal from codependency and narcissistic abuse, Lisa shares practical ways to deal with narcissistic and emotionally manipulative people without losing yourself in the process.

Transcript

One of the biggest signs you're dealing with someone who is highly narcissistic is the fact that whenever you talk to them, Whenever you get off the phone with them, You're confused. Your stomach's upset. You feel a little brain foggy and you're questioning your reality. And if this is you, I want you to stay for this session because I want to teach you some of the things that I learned that have really helped me hold on to myself when dealing with toxic people who may or may not even know that they're toxic. They're just naturally emotionally manipulative. They lack self-awareness. They're empathy impaired. They really do believe that the world revolves around them and everything that they think you should be agreeing with, Everything that they want for you, Everything that they want from you, You should concede. And this can be really confusing, Especially if you love this person. So let's get into why you should never argue with someone that you have acknowledged is either a narcissist or has high narcissistic traits. If you are dealing with someone who's highly narcissistic, You probably are someone who walks away from a conversation, An argument, Replaying every word in your mind. You think of all the things you should have said while you were on the phone. You wonder if you explained yourself poorly. Maybe if you had just found the right words, Finally understood you and this goes on over and over and over and I want to save you years of heartache because I wish someone would have explained this to me decades ago. You can never win an argument with someone who is highly narcissistic because a narcissist isn't talking to you because they're trying to understand you. They aren't having the conversation because they're trying to solve a problem. They're arguing to control the emotional environment. They're arguing to stay in the position of power and perhaps most importantly they're arguing to get a reaction out of you. Now, The moment you understand that, Hopefully for you, Everything changes. I know it did for me. Every single time because the goal isn't to beat the narcissist at the the game. The goal is to not play the game. The goal is to not even step into the arena. So number one, When you're dealing with them, Have zero expectations. If you remember nothing else from the session, I want you to remember this. Stop expecting a narcissist to suddenly become emotionally healthy, To become someone who can hear you. And I know that's painful to hear, Especially if this person is your mom, Your dad, Your spouse, Your sibling, Or your adult child. But here's the thing. Every time you walk into a conversation, Secretly hoping maybe this time they'll understand, You're setting yourself up for another disappointment. So narcissists live through a false self. They protect an identity that cannot tolerate accountability, Vulnerability, Or criticism. That means your explanation, No matter how thoughtful, No matter how heartfelt, Gets filtered through one question. How do I defend my ego right now? How do I stay in control? So here's the thing. You might be trying to solve a relationship problem while they're trying to protect an identity. So they're not hearing you. I stopped arguing with my ex the day I realized it was all a game for him. I don't even think he meant half the things he said. He simply wanted me to engage. And as long as I reacted, He won. The day I stopped answering his insulting text messages and accepted that this was simply how he operated, Everything began to change. I realized that the only way to stop the dynamic was for me to stop reacting and answering him. And that's exactly why I teach what I call shutty-shutty. Sometimes the healthiest response is zero response. Sometimes silence becomes our boundary. So the next time you feel like a narcissist is baiting you, Understand that they probably are. So that's the goal. Stop expecting them to suddenly become empathetic, Accountable, Or emotionally mature. This is where critical thinking begins. You can consciously remind yourself, This is who they are right now. And from that awareness, You get to make a powerful self-empowering choice. You stop expecting them to be anything other than what they have repeatedly shown you who they are. That shift alone can save you years of emotional exhaustion. If letting go of the need to be understood by someone that you love that's narcissistic feels almost impossible, If you find yourself constantly explaining, Defending, Overthinking, And trying to prove you're a good person, There's a good chance you're struggling with codependency. Number two, Don't take the bait. Narcissists know where emotional buttons are because many times they are the people that installed them. They know exactly what to say to pull you into an argument. They'll bring up something from 10 years ago that they know is going to tick you off. They'll question your memory. They'll criticize your parenting. They'll criticize your appearance or your character. They'll criticize your career. None of it is random. It's all bait. The moment you defend yourself, They've succeeded because now the conversation is no longer about the issue you brought to their attention. It's about managing your emotional reaction. I remember one incident with my ex that perfectly illustrates this. At the time we were separated and my son was living with his dad and my son was a captain on the football team. And I received a letter from my son's high school explaining that the fathers and sons were expected to attend a football banquet wearing sports coats. I told both my ex and my son exactly what the school required. Well, Because my ex always had to remain in control and do the opposite of what I ever suggested, He showed up wearing a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt dirty jeans, And a dusty baseball cap. My son followed his father's lead and you could see how embarrassed he was. He didn't listen to me. His dad didn't listen to me. And rather than take responsibility, My ex did something that was typical. He leaned over in the middle of the dinner and whispered into my ear, No one else could hear him, You're a smartass, You know that? No one else heard it, Just me. Years earlier, I would have defended myself. I would have argued. I would have made a scene. I would have explained. I would have over-explained. I would have felt bad that my son was embarrassed, But instead, I just stood up. There was no argument. There was no explanation. I just left. I walked out. I realized that my son was 16 years old. He was old enough to, Like, Make this decision, And my ex was certainly old enough to make this decision, And I refused to take responsibility for how they were feeling. Now, My son was embarrassed, And I knew that, And I felt bad about that, And he probably felt really silly that he didn't listen to me, But my ex was different. My ex was embarrassed and he needed someone to blame because he was embarrassed. So I was the one that he tried to punish because he was embarrassed. And he knew that I was sitting there looking at him like, I told you. But I didn't throw that into space. I just let it hang in the air. But there was no argument. I just got up and I left and I let them handle it. And that's what not taking the bait looks like. You stop assuming responsibility for another person's behavior. You stop believing that every accusation deserves you defending it. And one of the greatest signs of healing is realizing that your nervous system no longer has to attend every argument that it's invited to. I just refuse to argue. Life private. One of the hardest lessons I learned is that emotionally unhealthy people often use your vulnerability as ammunition. When you first marry an overt or vulnerable narcissist, You usually don't know what you're dealing with. You mistake their Boy Scout charm, For example, For compassion. And you mistake arrogance for confidence. You assume that because you're willing to be emotionally honest, They are too. Then time reveals the truth, And it's a painful truth to really come into conscious realization of. Like many young wives, I shared deeply personal things with my ex. Wasn't I supposed to? I told him how disconnected I felt from my mother as a child. I shared how she verbally abused me, Mentally tortured me, And withheld love. I thought I was confiding in the person who loved me. But instead, During arguments, He would throw those very same wounds back in my face. He'd say things like, You can't even get along with your own mother. And I can tell you, That gutted me. That really hurt. He went exactly where all of my real wounds existed. But it taught me something that I'll never forget. Not everyone deserves access to your vulnerabilities or your boo-boos. When someone repeatedly uses your past, Your pain, Your fears, Or your insecurities against you, Dear one, Just notice. Stop explaining yourself the minute it happens. Stop handing them information. Keep your deepest wounds to yourself and move on. Becoming cold or secretive. It's about becoming discerning. This is a strategic move, Dear one. It's critical thinking and action. It's self-protection. It's self-mastery. Healthy people earn access to your inner world through consistency, Through their expression of empathy, Through their honesty and the respect of you. Emotionally unsafe people do not. Try to be boring on purpose. This one feels strange the first time you try it. Seven times. He was an alcoholic and a compulsive gambler and for whatever reason, I seemed to irritate him. Maybe it started when I was seven years old and he asked me for my communion money and I said no. Maybe it's because when he got into trouble with loan sharks and they beat him up and he ended up sleeping on our living room rug and he was rude to me, My sister, My brother. I would give him dirty looks and I was just a kid. Maybe it's because when he had snide remarks and smart aleck remarks about me, I would give him a dirty look. I was the kid that was, Like, The truth teller. So I didn't squirm when my godfather had something nasty to say. He knew exactly how I felt. But I was a kid, And I was powerless, And I couldn't defend myself. And in our home, We came from a home that was blanketed by alcoholism, There was a no-talk rule. There was a no, We don't defend you rule. Like, Adults can say whatever they want, To the children than children are supposed to take it. And so I felt very powerless. This built up my anger towards him, And maybe he could feel that. But for whatever reason, This was the dynamic between me and my godfather. Years later, I was separated, And I was dating someone who, Looking back, I probably shouldn't have been with. And I get that. My godfather looked at me one day and said, Wow, You can really pick him, With a big smug on his face. And in that moment, I didn't defend myself. I didn't fire back like I wanted to. Didn't explain it. I simply looked at him and started talking about the weather on purpose. That was it. Now I know He knew that that was gonna hurt me, But I gave him absolutely nothing. No comeback, No pushback. And I'm sure he was waiting for an emotional reaction because my mother wouldn't have defended me anyway. And I wanted him to know that he wasn't going to get a rise out of me. And that was super powerful. And when you stop feeding unhealthy people, Your emotional energy, Many of them get the message and they start to lose interest. And it's not because they've changed, But it's simply because you've stopped participating in this crazy, Sick, Toxic dance. Really important. Number five, We're going to redirect to the goal. A narcissist will change the subject, Throw an insult, Drag you into circles and bring up something completely unrelated to the conversation just to knock you off center. Your job is simple. Calmly come back to the goal. For example, If you're discussing pickup time, Come back to pickup time. If you're discussing a deadline, Come back to the deadline. You are not there to win a war. You are there to try to get from point A to point B while protecting your peace. When you know you're dealing with a narcissist, I want you to imagine that for the next few minutes, You only have access to the left side of your brain when you're dealing with them. That part of your brain deals with facts. So imagine you can only respond with what is objectively true. Facts have a remarkable way of keeping your emotions in check. Think back to the football banquet. If I had chosen to respond, I could have simply repeated one fact. I called you and our son and I told you what the school required. That's it. No emotional story, No defending myself, Just the fact. If he tried to change the subject, I'd simply return to the same same fact. I called you and I told you. And that's what you can learn to do. Facts help anchor you in reality when someone else is trying to pull you into emotional chaos just to win an argument and to remain dominant and in control. So a narcissist can only pull you into a fight if you pick up the rope. So put the rope down. It makes no sense to talk to a rock. You do not owe an explanation to someone who was never going to hear it in the first place. Your greatest weapon is staying calm. The calmer you stay, The less their words land until one day you notice they barely land at all. And this is the day you win, Dear one. Namaste, Everybody. Until next time.

Reviews

You are amazing, thank you ♥️

Another helpful talk. Thank you!

Thank you 🙏 some really good advice

🙏