Grieving The Parents You Never Had

Sometimes we need to grieve the parents we never had—not because we did something wrong, but because our emotional needs were not fully met. When we learn to care for our parents emotionally at a young age, we may grow into adults who constantly care for everyone else while neglecting ourselves. In this talk, we explore how acknowledging this loss can be an important part of healing and learning to give yourself the care you deserved all along. Please note that this content is for educational and supportive purposes and does not replace professional mental health care.

Transcript

My name is Christy Fowler, And I want to talk to you about grieving the parent you never had. I know how painful this is because that is a part of my story too. That I didn't have the parent that I wanted so desperately. And a couple of things that you need to know about this. I've been a marriage and family therapist for 30 years now, And I've seen this a lot in my clients. And it's always such a heartbreaking thing because we needed our parents to be there for us. But due to their wounds, Due to their past, They just weren't able to give that to us. And so here's what ends up happening. We end up as a child becoming their parent. We take care of their emotions. Yes, They took care of us physically, Especially when we were infants and very young. But as we got older, It was very clear my job was to take care of them. I swear to you, When I was five years old, I remember this distinct moment between my parents that they were fighting and I was their therapist. I know you might roll your eyes at that, But I swear to you, I. . . I. . . I had to navigate their fights. I did it all the way. To my mom's, About a week before my mom passed away, I was standing there in the middle, Helping mediate my parents' fight. It's a role that we take on because we don't know anything else. It's not because we deserved it. It's not because we were bad kids. It's not because of anything we did. I noticed that if you tend to be more of an empath or very sensitive to emotions, You tend to take on this role a little bit more than maybe your siblings that were more rebellious or had a little bit more attitude. And so one of the things to heal from this, One thing that really helped me was I was really intentional about getting help. I was very intentional about seeking others to be that parent for me that I couldn't get in my own mom or dad. And that really helped me that to have these older. Friends, If you will, Would really mentor me. I went to them as if they were my parent at times. And so I found replacements for them. It wasn't anything formal. It wasn't some conversation we had that established them as my surrogate parent. It wasn't like that. It was just. . . I would go to them when I needed advice, Like you would go to a parent. So please. Please know, There's nothing wrong with you. This is a loss. Grieve it. You need to grieve it. And Start doing the healing work so that you can understand yourself and the wound that that left you. Because here's one thing that I have found, If you don't do the work, What we can often do then is carry that role into our marriage, Into our friendships. We take care of everybody else except ourselves. And the only person you're hurting is you. I hope this was helpful information for you to really be able to reflect in your own life. And want to encourage you, If you need it, Get the help to really heal this wound. You're worth it. And this really does matter.