Setting Boundaries With Unhealthy Parents

Navigating a difficult relationship with a parent can be emotionally exhausting, especially when you feel responsible for keeping the peace. In this short talk, I share practical ideas for recognizing unhealthy patterns, setting healthy boundaries, and letting go of the guilt that can come with protecting your emotional well-being. You’ll learn ways to approach boundaries with greater clarity, confidence, and compassion—without losing yourself in the process.

Transcript

My name's Christy Fowler, And I've been a therapist for 30 years now. And I wanted to talk to you about setting boundaries with parents that won't change. Oh, How I've encountered so many clients that have had to deal with this issue, Me being one of them. And I can't tell you enough how important it is to learn this skill. Because this one is going to help you save your sanity, Save your other relationships, Because I have literally watched this. Destroy marriages. Destroy families. Because boundaries were not set. So here's just a couple things to think about. Please, You are an adult. You do not owe your parents. You don't. I understand there are certain cultures that believe that, And I respect the different cultures, Right? But I'm talking to those of us that were raised in America and that was not our culture, That we were raised to leave the nest and start living our own life. And that doesn't mean we cut our parents out, Not at all. As an adult, I need to start making my own decisions. I need to start focusing on what my life goals are and my family's, Especially when we're married and have kids. Is this what I want? And one of the things that I find with unhealthy parents is that they still want the control. They still want to make your decisions. They still want you to worry more about them than worrying about yourself. And I want you to hear this. Then it is okay to break that cycle. It is okay to say no to your parents. It is okay to take a step back and say, I'm gonna make this decision for me and my family. And if you don't like that, That's okay. But I need. This is what I'm going to do. So here's a key thing when it comes to setting boundaries with your parents. If you set a boundary, You are not coming over for Thanksgiving. For whatever reason, I don't trust that you won't get drunk. I don't trust that this or that is going to happen. You have to make sure you stick to that boundary. Because if you set a boundary and then you back off of it, What you just taught them, And this is in any relationship, You taught them, I don't have to listen to her because she doesn't really mean what she says. I don't have to believe what she just told me because she'll back down. I just need to get angry enough. I just need to put enough pressure on them and they'll back down. And so do you see how you create it so that people don't believe you anymore? Please don't make that mistake. You need to do this for you. I have kids. And they're all adults now, And I love them. My mindset is this. My kids don't owe me. I did my job. I love them. I raised them. They are out of the house. And I want to be the kind of person, The kind of mom that my kids want in their life. I want them to feel respected. I want them to feel heard. I want them to feel loved and the freedom to live the life that they want. I'll be honest, Sometimes they do make decisions that I wish they wouldn't. They have a right to do that, And it's none of my business to tell them. That I think they're doing it wrong. I will ask them out of respect. Would you be open to hearing my perspective? And sometimes they say yes, And sometimes they say no. And if they say no, I respect that. And here's why this is so important. You've got to learn to set boundaries with parents that are unhealthy, Even toxic. Because when you don't, You just model to your own children that same dysfunctional pattern. Be the one that makes the change. I know for me, I had to be the one that made the change in my family. And I'm so grateful that I did it. It wasn't easy. I had to go get help. It took a lot of time and a lot of tears. But it was so worth it. I appreciate the freedom that I have now because it is truly my life. And I get to live it the way I feel best and enjoy the outcomes of having that freedom. This is something that really matters. Set those boundaries. Learn what boundaries need to be set, Because it matters.