The Potential In Scary Moments

What are the places that scare you? Can you be there for them and with them? Or are things more nuanced: sometimes you can stay, but sometimes you run or hide? I wish I could stay every time. But the truth is, I’m a long work in progress.

Transcript

Hey everyone,

It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 411.

I am in Charleston,

South Carolina,

So a big shout out to my East Coast friends and it's really lovely here.

Today I want to share an experience actually that I had of being terrified and how mindfulness supported me and also didn't support me.

And it's right along the lines that we've been talking about.

And for the context is that last week I mentioned that the truth is that when I sit down to practice or when I move through my day,

I'm not always noticing how happy I am,

Right?

I'm often noticing frustration or sorrow or fear.

And maybe this is true for you as well.

And when I do notice happiness,

I sometimes don't notice it in a way that's kind of settled and taking it in.

And instead,

I can blow by it or even approach it with a sense of skepticism.

And I find Rick Hansen's work here to be very helpful and Reggie Hubbard's work to be helpful.

He'll be teaching in MLTT next year,

By the way.

And it reminds me to settle into what's joyful and synthesizing their perspectives and adding something of my own.

I really like the practice of what I call sun.

So savoring the good,

Lifting it up and sharing it.

And the opposite of rain,

Which is working with difficult emotions.

So S for savor,

U for uplift.

So lifting it up and then N for notifying someone,

Sharing with somebody.

And there's pretty good research on this,

That when something positive is happening and we take a moment to savor it,

And then we lift it up in some way,

And then we notify somebody about it,

It helps us to lock it in and it helps us to notice it more often the next time.

And really what we're doing is we're working with the understanding that neurons that fire together,

Wire together.

And so the neurons that point towards joy and well-being,

As they fire together,

They wire for a higher likelihood of repeat performance,

Essentially.

So today's story isn't about sun per se,

Although it ends with sun.

It's more about rain and that's why I like it.

It has both of those pieces and so many other pieces.

And it really begins with terror and collapse,

And then it moves into breathing and then curiosity.

And then there's a reminder to practice self-compassion.

And then finally,

There's awareness that sees terror and the teasing that came with it as not permanent and not about me.

And in the end,

There's even a moment of meta and connection.

So it's the whole gamut of the definition of mindfulness,

Of present moment awareness with courage and grace and without wishing things were other than they are,

Right?

And that's where we are,

Is we're looking at these ways of looking at mindfulness.

Okay,

So here's what happened.

So I mentioned I'm in Charleston,

And to get here we had to fly.

And so we flew Southwest,

Easy.

And I'm with my partner,

And we get to the airport in plenty of time.

We get out to the gate in plenty of time after the usual adventures,

And we settle in.

And then we line up to board and it's Southwest,

So we have our numbers and we're A11 and 12,

So we have really good numbers.

And I'm doing pretty well under the circumstances,

But those circumstances are that I'm actually a terrified flyer,

Meaning I don't fundamentally believe that the plane can lift off the ground.

And every time it happens,

I see that it's happened,

But it just doesn't help me to believe in the power of flight the next time.

And because of this,

And I love airports and I love traveling,

But I only fly if I have to,

Or if it's something really great.

I have this friend who thinks about airplanes as these giant buses.

Maybe most people think about them that way,

But not me.

My daughter loves to fly.

Her father is a sailor and explained to her when she was a little kid how planes are like boats floating on water,

Except they're floating on air,

And she got it.

And,

You know,

She's a happy camper at 10,

000 feet,

And I think a lot of people are,

But not me.

So when I get to an airport,

And even in the days leading up to a flight,

There's this terror in my body just under the surface,

Right?

And I have a hard time sleeping,

And I ruminate on all the disasters that will never happen.

And I'd really like to show up as the kind of mindfulness practitioner who works on this with RAIN.

So recognize it,

Accept it,

Or allow it.

Investigate the terror,

And then end,

No problem,

It's just terror,

And also end,

It's not my fault,

And also end,

I'm not alone.

You know,

That would be really great,

But it might be in my next life.

So instead,

The first thing I do when I get to the airport is I take an Ativan,

And I have some shame about that,

Right?

Not much,

Because of what happens if I don't,

Like,

I tend to,

Like,

Grab strangers' hands,

Or the flight attendants' hands,

And so it's really a strong fear.

I've heard that the Dalai Lama is actually scared of flying too,

Which makes me feel a little bit better,

But I'm pretty sure he doesn't take an Ativan.

So yesterday,

I'm traveling to Charleston with my partner,

We're in line to board,

Southwest announces that there's a,

Quote,

Very minor issue on the plane,

And that's why we're not boarding,

And this is never a thing I want to hear.

My skeptical lawyer brain says,

Yeah,

Right,

Because if it was a major problem,

Like,

The wing was loose,

That they would tell us that,

And of course they wouldn't,

They would always say that it was a minor,

A minor problem.

So I noticed that,

I noticed that there was this real snarkiness,

Skepticism,

But also snarkiness coming up,

And it was covering for my fear.

So at this point,

I have snark covering for my fear,

I have Ativan covering for my fear,

Right?

I'm not turning towards,

I'm not recognizing,

Accepting,

Investigating,

I'm fully owning that this is my terror,

And even if it's impermanent,

It's definitely lasting until landing,

Right?

So I'm pretty solidly turned away from being able to work with it,

And then my partner wanders over to the counter and comes back and says,

It's a warning light,

And they don't know what's going on,

They're trying to figure it out,

And there's this beat of silence,

And then I say,

Thanks for telling me,

And I for sure don't mean that,

And he knows that I don't mean that,

And he also knows that I'm a terrified flyer,

So he's got this twinkle in his eye,

He's kind of teasing me,

And again,

I want to be this mindful person who is not only reigning my fear,

But is also laughing at myself.

You remember the tensa,

The cook from Norman Fisher's,

The lojong slogan,

Turn all blames into one,

Who when the abbot finds a snake head in his soup,

He eats it,

The cook eats it,

He takes responsibility.

I want to eat that snake head,

You know,

I want to take responsibility,

This is just fear,

This is just being teased,

But the moment is so too big for me,

And I instead,

I collapse,

I literally go down on the floor,

I hyperventilate,

I put my head between my knees,

There are tears,

So there's terror,

And now there's shame,

And I'm watching all of this,

But I'm really in it,

And then very,

Very slowly,

Some curiosity arises,

And with it,

Some questions like,

What's happening,

Where's the breath,

Where is ease,

And these are what are called pointing out questions,

Right,

They're coming from somewhere in my practice,

Right,

All the years that we've all been practicing together,

And that I've been practicing,

And they're showing me where to go,

Right,

They're coming up from the body,

They're coming up from what Thich Nhat Hanh would call storehouse consciousness,

Or somewhere,

And automatically,

I shift to Tonglen,

Breathing in the terror,

Breathing out some love,

Breathing in the shame,

Breathing out some love,

And I walk,

I'm pretty ragged,

But I walk onto the plane,

I'm still scared,

I'm still ashamed,

And I want to share this with my partner,

But it feels too vulnerable,

And there it is,

Right,

It's that I was teased,

And the way words and actions have consequences,

Including unintended ones,

Right,

We take our plaintiff as we find them,

We take each other the way we find each other,

We don't get away with anything,

And so I don't share,

Because I feel,

I feel teased,

And I feel shamed,

And then after a while,

After a completely unremarkable takeoff,

Friendliness starts to sneak in,

Right,

So terror to shame,

To curiosity,

To self-compassion,

Back to shame a little bit,

A kind of tightness,

Lack of vulnerability,

Letting go,

Friendliness,

Right,

And so this is all in,

What,

10 minutes or so,

And I wanted to share that,

Because this is our practice,

This is just our practice.

Okay,

So I don't have my bell with me,

Because I'm traveling,

So let's,

Let's sit together,

So finding a comfortable posture that's upright and relaxed,

And if anything that I've said has activated anything in you,

Then if it's possible to let it go,

Do that,

If it's not so easy to let it go,

Then be with what's here,

And really taking this time to sit,

And it may be that moment by moment,

Letting go is possible,

Or being with what's here is possible,

And just paying attention to what is possible in each moment for you,

Just noticing what's,

What's here,

What's present,

How you're feeling,

How your body is doing,

How your heart is doing,

And see,

See if whatever is happening,

Whatever your experience is,

Moment to moment,

If you can turn towards it,

And you know,

Sometimes that's,

You can't,

I mean,

I can speak for myself,

Sometimes I can't,

So aware of what's happening,

Aware of whether you can turn towards or,

Or not,

And without any,

Without any judgment,

Without any self-judgment of,

I should be able to do that,

Right?

Or maybe you notice something arising,

And you can turn towards it for a moment,

And then the inclination is to turn away,

And there can be some real wisdom in that of not feeding it too,

Right?

Because context also matters.

If you have a busy day,

And something difficult comes up,

Maybe you do have to say,

Not now,

And then come back to it,

Or let it come back to you,

And then just in the last few moments of our sit together,

Is there an attitude or a frame of mind that you,

That you do want to be pointing towards today,

And do you want to give yourself some pointing out instructions right now,

With kindness,

With love?

Thank you everyone for being on the wake-up call today.

It's really lovely to be here,

And be safe out there,

Everyone,

And I will see you next week back from Sonoma.

Take care.