When you're standing at the edge of leaving,
Everything feels urgent.
Your mind races between,
I can't do this anymore,
But what if I'm missing something and making a big mistake?
The problem is,
When you're in that emotional state,
None of us are making decisions from clarity.
Or making them from exhaustion.
Resentment and the mind can easily run away with what if this or what if that.
So before you make a decision either way,
Here are some specific questions you might want to ask yourself,
Not to talk yourself into staying or not even to push yourself towards leaving.
But to help you to see what is actually true.
So let's look at the first question.
Am I leaving the relationship or am I leaving the pattern?
This is crucial because if you're leaving the pattern,
The same fight,
The same disconnection,
The same feeling of being unseen,
You can address that often without ending the relationship.
Ask yourself.
If this dynamic completely changed tomorrow,
Would I still want to be here?
If the answer is yes.
It's most likely a pattern that needs exploring.
If the answer is an honest no,
There's more going on than just that dynamic that has you considering leaving the relationship.
Now this one needs you to be really honest with yourself.
Have I actually said what needs to be said?
Am I honestly sharing my truth and my experience?
So many people leave relationships without ever fully expressing what's true for them.
Not even hinting at their hurts,
Just hoping their partner would somehow know,
But actually saying it directly,
Vulnerably,
Clearly.
That when you dismiss my feelings,
I shut down and I stop trying.
I need you to show up for difficult conversations,
Not avoid them.
I feel invisible in this relationship and I don't know how to keep going like this.
If you haven't had that conversation,
The real unfiltered one where you lay out exactly what's not working for you,
You don't actually know if this can be repaired.
You're leaving before giving the relationship a fair chance to respond.
The next thing to consider is,
Am I leaving because nothing's changed,
Or because I'm too frustrated with this dynamic to give it any more time or hope?
That it can really change.
Here's what happens.
Often your partner starts trying,
Maybe they're showing up differently,
But you're still carrying years of hurt.
So even when they do the thing you asked for,
You don't trust it yet.
You're waiting for them to slip back to that old pattern,
And when they inevitably make a mistake because change isn't linear.
Because I've been working with couples in distress for 20 years,
I've seen this happen a lot.
The partner starts trying,
You know,
They're showing up differently,
But the other partner is still carrying the years of hurt.
So when they do the thing you ask for,
They don't trust it yet.
You're waiting for them to slip back into that old pattern.
And when they inevitably make a mistake,
Because change isn't linear,
You take it as proof that nothing is different,
That nothing can really change.
But real change does take time,
And if your partner is genuinely trying,
You want to give that space to take root.
I also understand that if months go by and the effort fades,
If it was performative rather Wow,
That's information too.
This next question might be a difficult one to really sit with.
But is it about them,
Or is it about my own pattern showing up again?
If you've left relationships before for similar reasons,
If you keep finding yourself in the same frustrated,
Lonely,
Unfulfilled place regardless of who your partner is,
There's a good chance your family imprint is what we really need to look into.
Maybe in your childhood you learned that love means sacrifice.
So you keep choosing partners unconsciously who take but don't give.
It's just not reciprocal.
Maybe you learn that conflict is somehow dangerous,
So you avoid it until resentment builds to the point of just leaving.
Maybe you're recreating your parents' dynamic without even realizing it.
If that's what's happening,
Leaving won't fix it.
You'll just bring the same pattern into the next relationship.
So much about this work is internal,
And it's worth doing before you make a permanent decision.
The next question I want you to use your imagination.
If you imagine your life a year from now without this person,
What do you feel?
And now,
Not maybe relief and not maybe the opposite,
Terror.
These are often crisis responses.
Sit with it just a little longer.
Imagine the day-to-day.
Maybe you see yourself heading out to a cafe to avoid coffee alone in your kitchen.
Maybe you'd miss having them to talk about your day with.
What's underneath that immediate emotion?
If it's grief,
That tells you something.
If it's freedom mixed with sadness,
That tells you something different.
And if it's numbness,
That's information too.
Let yourself actually feel into it rather than thinking your way through it.
The next question you might need to sit with for a little bit.
Am I staying for the right reasons?
Or am I leaving for the wrong ones?
So let's explore some wrong reasons to stay.
Fear of being alone.
Some entanglement with financial dependence.
What people will think,
Or hoping that they'll go back to who they were in the very beginning.
And maybe if we look at some of the reasons why you might want to leave.
That maybe aren't the strongest.
You had a fight and you feel hurt,
Or you've met someone who makes you feel alive again.
You're exhausted and you just want the arguments to stop,
And you think leaving will solve it.
Sometimes an attraction to someone new can show us what's been missing.
And we might be able to reignite it inside of the relationship.
And sometimes that something missing also means it can't be resuscitated.
There are,
Of course,
Many right reasons to stay.
Because there's a genuine love underneath that conflict.
And that both of you are willing to do the work.
The foundation is solid even if the current dynamic isn't.
Or maybe you haven't exhausted all the possibilities for repair.
And of course there are very understandable and important reasons to leave.
If there's abuse or repeated betrayal.
If fundamental values are just incompatible.
If one person refuses to engage in the repair that helps relationships grow.
If you've tried everything and the relationship feels like it's breaking you.
There really is no right or wrong in any of this.
It's only about what is the right next best step for you.
In alignment with all of the things that might be alive underneath.
I think a lot of the times we might bring our hurts,
Our complaints,
Our venting to a good friend.
And the friend might say with all the love because she doesn't want to see you in pain,
You just have to leave this relationship.
But until you've looked at the other components,
You might be jumping ahead.
So here are some of those things that you can look at to be sure you've done what you can do on your side of the relationship.
How you contribute to the dynamic,
Whatever it might be that's going on in your home.
Have you examined your family imprints and what you bring into the relationship?
Have you looked at your communication patterns?
Maybe emotional reactivity,
Or any unmet needs that you're unconsciously expecting your partner to fill.
If you haven't,
You're only seeing half the picture.
I once had a wise therapist say to me,
After my own divorce,
That blame is the cheapest hit of power going.
We must be willing to look inward at our own patterns,
At the ways we might be protecting our heart by being defensive,
Or if we're stuck in blame.
We're bound to repeat the same pain.
This doesn't mean that the relationship problems are your fault.
It means that for you to make a clear decision,
You need to know what belongs to you and what belongs to them.
Otherwise,
You'll carry your half into the next relationship and wonder why the same problems keep showing up.
There are days when it feels like such a hard choice.
Many of you have likely been in your relationship for years or decades.
And there are days when this feels like an impossible choice.
Notice if you'd say staying in complaining mode to avoid making the decision has become a habit for you.
There's a difference between consciously choosing to work on the relationship and simply not leaving because it's so painfully familiar to feel stuck.
If you're staying,
It needs to be an engaged,
Committed choice.
I'm choosing to invest in this because I believe it can be different.
I know I'm shifting and changing and that's going to create a huge ripple effect.
Instead of I'm staying because I don't know what else to do.
Passive staying breeds resentment and active choosing creates possibility.
Instead of thoughts that might circle in your head,
You know,
Something like,
I need them to change.
Let yourself explore what that looks like.
I need to see consistent effort over three months and not just words.
Or I'd really like to see them go to therapy and do their own work.
I need us to have a productive conversation without shutting down.
Write it down.
Share it with your partner if you haven't already.
Then give them time to see if these things can shift and change.
If they do,
You have something to work with.
If they don't.
You have another answer.
Here's what I want you to understand.
There's no perfect formula for knowing when to leave.
But there is clarity that comes from asking the right questions.
Not from ones that justify what you've already decided,
But the ones that invite you in to some uncomfortable truths.
The decision to stay or go is one of the most important ones you'll make.
It deserves your full attention.
And not feeling like you're pressed into a corner,
Making that decision from reactivity or frustration.
So take all the time you need.
Ask the question.
Sit with the answers and allow that clarity to come to you while you slow down long enough to really listen.
