Nathan couldn't sleep.
In fact,
It had been weeks when night stretched on,
Tossing and turning,
Laying there as minutes passed like hours,
The silence of their home broken only by the faint hum of the refrigerator and the pounding in his chest.
He thought of his mom,
How she would sit at the kitchen table after his father's outbursts,
Her eyes swollen,
Her hand limp in her lap.
As a boy,
He stood there,
Desperate to say something that might make her feel better,
Wishing there was some way to protect her from his own father.
He can admit to himself now how impossible that hope was.
She'd look past him as if comfort itself were impossible.
This would undo him,
Her distant,
Unsolvable look.
He never knew what to do at that moment,
The desperate need of a little boy who just wanted his mom to be okay.
Now that same helplessness returned,
Sharper,
With more intensity.
The woman he loved was carrying another man's child,
His brother's child,
Nico.
His heart broke open there as he lay in bed,
Sleep refusing to be a respite.
Looking at both of them,
In his mind's eye,
It felt like losing them all over again,
Like he'd lost both of his parents.
The night the blue and red lights filled the home and the police took their father away.
He replayed it in his mind,
Circling the wound like a tongue over a broken tooth.
No matter how many beers he drank,
No matter how many hours he stared at the muted TV,
The truth didn't fade.
I wasn't enough.
I can't make this better.
I'll never be enough.
The thought unraveled him.
His mom's despondent face flashed in front of his eyes.
Nathan didn't hear the knock at first.
He was sitting in the dark,
An untouched cup of coffee,
Trying to greet another day,
His head heavy in his hands.
When the knock came again,
Harder this time,
He stood,
Every nerve sparkling with dread.
He opened the door to find Nico on the porch,
Standing awkwardly.
Nathan's voice was sharp.
What the hell do you want?
Nico didn't flinch.
To talk.
There's nothing to talk about.
Nathan shoved at the door,
But Nico caught it with his hand.
And for a moment,
They stood there,
Locked in a silent struggle,
The same way they had as boys fighting over space,
Over scraps of safety.
Finally,
Nathan let go and stalked back inside.
Fine.
Say what you came to say.
Then get out.
Nico stepped in cautiously.
He looked around the dim room,
His chest tightened.
I didn't mean for this to happen,
Nathan.
You didn't mean?
Nathan barked out of laugh,
Raw and jagged.
You slept with my wife.
You got her pregnant.
And you didn't mean for it to happen?
I know how lame this sounds.
Nico's voice cracked.
But he didn't look away.
I crossed a line I can never uncross.
And I'm sorry.
I know I've broken.
Don't.
Nathan's fist curled at his sides.
Don't you dare try to wash this away with some bullshit apology.
This is so far beyond that.
Silence pulsed between them,
Broken only by the thrum of Nathan's uneven breath.
Nico forced himself to keep speaking.
You think I don't know that?
It's costing me too.
You're my brother.
The one who stood between me and dad when he came at me.
You're the only person who ever.
His throat closed around his own words.
Nathan's jaw tightened.
The old memory slicing through his fury for a moment.
Their father's fury.
Nico forced himself to keep speaking.
That would seem to start over what seemed like nothing.
The way Nathan had thrown himself between them.
A boy trying to be a shield.
The flicker of such a painful memory only made the betrayal sting sharper.
You're supposed to have my back,
Nathan whispered,
His voice breaking.
And instead,
You took everything from me.
Nico's eyes glistened.
I didn't take everything.
You still have her if he faltered.
I'll step back if that's what you want.
Nathan's chest heaved,
His face contorted in anguish.
You think that fixes it?
You'll step back?
How fucking honorable.
The word hung in the air.
Are you setting her up so that you can just disappear again when you go all dark?
The words landed heavy because they weren't only about Lauren.
They were about memories in their heavy home when Nico was nowhere to be found.
They stood there,
Two men bound by blood and betrayal.
The echo of their father's shadow and their mother's pain stretching long between them.
For the first time,
Nico didn't fight back.
He didn't argue.
He only whispered,
I'm here now.
But Nathan turned away,
His silence louder than any answer.
Their mom had buried her needs,
Her fears,
Her broken heart so deeply that even her sons ended up mistrusting their own instincts when it came to matters of the heart.
Their dad walled off any and all emotions behind bars,
Leaving everything undone to the boys,
To the grandchild he'd never meet.
Nathan did the only thing he could find to do after turning away from his brother,
Walked up to his room and shut the door with a loud finality that left no space for words.
Nico's only choice was to let himself out,
Closing the front door carefully behind him.
