3. This Mindset Is Blocking Your Growth

Last time we did a.

.

.

A hankara bashing party,

Right?

Every sentence,

Every word,

Right?

So today,

That was kind of just a one-off,

Because the time before that,

Remember Chapter One?

It was more just kind of reading and telling stories.

So this week,

We're going to try a more relaxed approach and not be so harsh about the ahamkara.

Did you guys have any questions at all from last week or any insights or anything you wanted to share from Chapter 1 before we go to Chapter 2?

So I could very much relate to the chapter one.

And there's one particular moment that I feel really close to is when you were constantly thinking about the moment when you will give the book to Amma,

How she's going to be so happy about it.

You know,

And putting the book,

Like,

Showing to everyone and all that.

And I have that.

You know,

Whatever is coming into my life in the future,

I always think,

Oh,

This,

And I'm going to do this,

And I'm going to do great.

So I know that probably the Ahankara Artistic is I'm special and unique.

But the problem in that is if I keep thinking about it,

Then I'm attached to the result.

And obviously,

It's then very hard.

Depressed or very sad if that doesn't happen the way I imagine.

Is there something practical that I can do to stay positive?

What I want to do in the future,

But not overdoing it in my head,

Like,

Oh,

It's going to be great,

And I'm going to do that,

And people are going to be so proud.

You know,

Those things.

I'm going to offer it to Amma.

Let's see what happens.

" Right?

But I didn't.

I had this whole fantasy.

She's going to be like,

Wow!

And you can move to the ashram.

Come here because you're going to.

.

.

I mean,

It was so big,

What I thought.

Right?

Have you tried anything?

Have you tried some things already?

Practical things.

Because I know that I'm doing that,

I try to say,

Okay,

No,

Just don't think about it,

Stay in the present.

But particularly speaking,

It's just so powerful that it automatically just go back again.

Yeah,

But what if,

If I do that,

Then I cannot yet find something that really works.

Okay,

That's a good,

It's a very good question.

And it's also the nature of the mind,

Right?

To be like fantasizing about something in the future or worrying about something in the future,

Right?

And so it's also hard to If you say no,

It's going to probably try to be rebellious and be like,

Really?

No really?

And it's going to try even harder to do it.

Or it could feel guilty and like it's bad.

So what I would say is to try to figure out what it is that you're not enjoying about the present.

Is it because you don't really want to do that?

Like for me,

Like when I wrote the book,

I don't love editing.

I was like,

I'm writing it once and I don't want to look at it again.

I hate editing.

And so finally I'm like,

Let's just hire an editor because that part I was like,

You know,

Then I was fantasizing how nice it would be when it's done and all that.

But so if there's something maybe that you're not enjoying,

You can ask that kind of question.

Like,

Why,

Why do I have to have this big fantasy about the future?

What is it that I'm not enjoying right now?

What's bothering me now?

Yeah,

It's really interesting when you say that because I was about to say that I started having this overness when I was sick for 10 years and I was five of those years I was in bed.

And obviously like my days were really not good.

I was depressed.

So I kept thinking about a better life.

And I think I did this,

You know,

I have now a big samskara that even though now I'm feeling better and I can enjoy my present.

But still those things because I did it for so many years of imagine and Thinking about something,

You know health in my mind.

Yeah,

But this is still that's a very good awareness Janava So what I would say is since you have that awareness when you catch your mind fantasizing you can say oh This is just a samskara from those five years when I was in bed And I had my mind had to make that thing up and then you can talk to your inner child and say sweetie You know,

We don't have to fantasize now because we're not sick in bed and life is really good and then ground yourself with your five senses senses.

Say,

Look,

Here's the peppermint essential oil.

That's here and now.

You like that.

Look,

Here's your fiancé.

That's here and now.

He wasn't five years ago,

You know.

Look,

You're in Vrindavan,

So use your senses,

All five senses to bring you here.

About the things that are good now,

But first acknowledge why you're back there.

This is a pattern that you did,

A defense mechanism or a habit to protect you in a way from getting too depressed those years.

It's awesome that your mind was able to do that,

Right?

Because if you didn't,

You would get very,

Very depressed.

Very depressed.

So you can say,

Wow,

Thank God that I had that.

My mind was clever enough to fantasize,

So I didn't have to suffer so much.

You know,

Pain.

And now I don't need that,

You know?

So just be compassionate.

Instead of angry and saying,

No bad present here and now,

It's going to be like,

No.

We're going back even,

You know,

We're going to go further in the future or something.

That's a good question.

Good,

Yeah,

And let us know how it goes when you try it.

Okay,

What else?

Any other questions or insights from Chapter 1 that you guys had?

Yes,

We lost.

So in the first meeting,

I asked about the.

.

.

I asked,

Or my question was.

.

.

That it looks as if you actually quite accepted the situation and moved on.

What else could you have done better that was not accepting?

And then when I revisited the story,

Then I think in the very beginning of the first chapter,

You made it quite clear that you actually didn't accept her rejection and moved on because you described the sulking mood there and how depressed you were in the room.

Things you wouldn't have done if you had accepted her rejection as a sign and opportunity to learn and move on,

Right?

Yes,

That's right.

Yeah,

I would have been like,

Oh,

She just taught me a hard lesson.

Thank you.

That was a hard lesson,

But I got it.

Because if I was thinking,

Oh,

Everything that she's doing is helping me learn,

Helping me grow.

Even if it's painful,

I'd be eager for that.

I'd be like,

Well,

She gave me a very direct message.

I didn't have to,

You know,

Try to,

Was it a subtle thing?

No,

It wasn't subtle.

She definitely did not accept my book,

You know,

Clear.

So I could have gotten excited about that even,

You know,

Or at least accepted.

You want the mic,

Mohin?

You got the mic?

Okay.

The question came to my mind.

We looked at your first chapter from the point of view of the Ahamkara characteristics,

And I was wondering,

Did you write this book with this in the mind,

That you want to hide the Ahamkara characteristics,

Or you just wrote it and then By reviewing,

You saw,

Oh,

I have this and this and that characteristics in the chapter,

Or did you kept them?

Why did you write it in that way you wrote it?

No,

I just wrote,

These were blog posts.

I wasn't thinking,

Look at my hankara,

You know?

These are just my stories,

But after,

When I analyzed it,

And I'm like,

What can I find as a theme?

And I'm like,

Whoa,

I got a theme?

Look at my hankara.

These were just what were happening before I even knew that much about ahankara.

When I first learned Vedic psychology,

I was very focused on samskaras because I was a psychotherapist and I was helping my clients with that,

With their samskaras,

You know?

Later on,

When I got these lessons,

Learning the hard way,

I'm like,

Why are these so hard?

Oh,

Then I learned about Ahankara,

But I didn't write it so much.

In that way.

But this also was edited and the editor was asking me questions and pulling out points,

So then we weaved it through.

Compared to the original blog,

You know,

We added more.

But a hunk are in there.

What did you guys think of that analysis,

The hankara analysis last time?

It was a lot,

Right?

Every line,

There's something.

I won't butcher the whole book up that way,

But I just wanted to give you a little experience to see how prevalent the hankara is.

Any other questions from Chapter 1,

Yaya and Sri?

You see,

There's no Ahankara police car here today.

It is shanty today.

So the point you made just now,

So I was thinking.

That the exercise we did in the last book club,

It is really like.

Helping when I am doing something in my daily life.

It tells me,

Okay this is this characteristic you are doing.

So it's very helping,

That exercise was very helping in order to understand the subtle things about ahankara in my life.

Good,

That's wonderful.

Good,

Thank you for sharing that.

Anything else?

Anything online?

Anybody want to share anything about Chapter 1,

Insights or questions?

Shall we go to Chapter 2?

Ready to roll?

Okay,

Let's go to Chapter 2.

So chapter two.

Starts on page 30.

Okay.

So for one year after my fateful 2013 trip to India,

I worked on rewriting the Ayurvedic guidebook with Dr.

Chauhan to include his concepts of love and soul.

So remember last week,

Dr.

Chohan said,

Yeah,

We can write a book together,

Right?

Because I got so burned by Amma,

Who's like,

Did you even have an Ayurvedic doctor look at this?

And I was like,

Actually,

No,

I didn't.

So then I'm like,

Dr.

Chauhan,

Will you write with me?

Luckily he said yes,

But then we had to rewrite it,

Right?

Answering those two questions he had.

He had one question,

What is love?

And one question,

What is soul?

So over about one year.

We worked on that.

I spent every weekend absorbed in writing.

Because my weekdays were consumed by my full-time job as a psychotherapist at a residential psychiatric hospital for kids.

One of the professional hazards of being a psychotherapist is fatigue.

A phenomenon in which the therapist experiences exhaustion.

And ultimately diminished compassion due to empathizing with clients over a prolonged period of time.

My work certainly demanded a whole lot of compassion.

Each and every day required me to listen for hours on end to these innocent,

Helpless children's stories of their parents' unthinkable abuse.

And neglect.

Which weighed heavy on my heart.

As a result of the abuse they'd endured.

Is there some problem?

Sounds weird,

Right?

Should I move this?

Should I hold it?

Clip it up.

Okay,

Sorry guys.

Maybe this will be better.

Is this okay?

Okay.

I don't want to keep rubbing every word I read.

Okay.

As a result of the abuse they'd endured,

The state of these children's mental health was so degraded that they were deemed unsafe to live in society.

They pose a threat to themselves or to others.

Consequently,

They had to live their days.

Live out their days locked inside a jail-like mental hospital in which they are watched like a hawk.

For them,

Even going to the bathroom required a security guard escort.

So when I worked there,

You know,

You have to even go in for the job interview,

And it was a little .

.

.

Surprising.

It was not a nice place to look at.

And it was in a very secluded place.

You just drive and drive and drive.

It's kind of like in the woods.

You know,

And then.

When you get there,

There's many.

Maybe three or four layers of doors that you have to have a little ID badge and be like beep to get in the first one and then beep to get in the next one and beep to get in,

You know.

So these kids are really locked in tight and then they're on different units based on either their disorder,

Their diagnosis,

Or their age,

Depending.

Like there's one unit called the stingray unit.

Do you guys know what a stingray is?

What?

It's a fish.

That if it stings you,

It can kill you.

It's like it has a story.

Into the ocean.

And so this is the unit of the teenage boy.

So a lot of them had very severe anger issues.

And so that was,

You know,

And what happens is whenever we get a new client,

When we get the assignment,

Then you have to go meet the client,

You know?

And there's about 15 of us therapists,

And we almost had a niche,

You could say.

Of different types of clients we were good with,

So it would be a surprise if you got the stingray unit if you're not used to working with teenage boys.

Some of us were really good and some of us were not so good or comfortable with that.

And then there's another unit of just the literally there.

I forgot they called the turtle the sea turtles The sea turtles were the little kids.

Five and six and seven year old little kids.

They were locked in this mental hospital like a jail,

You know?

The sea turtle.

But when you go in there,

You would never guess that they're little.

Because of the stuff that they would do even on that unit.

But anyway,

Every unit was a whole different experience.

There's a unit of teenage girls also.

And it was almost like a crisis mental hospital where they would be,

This is where they would be at their worst,

You know?

And the average stay would be about six months.

So they're really living there,

Wasn't it that they're there?

For a week.

And it's not like what you think of when you think of a huge hospital that has all different departments.

This was just mental health.

Just the most severe in the whole country,

Not the state.

You know,

Out of all the United States,

They would fly them here.

So these were the severe ones that really medicine wasn't working for.

Medicine and therapy wasn't working for.

It was very,

Very,

Very sad cases,

You know.

And most of them didn't have even their parents.

You know,

There is called custody of the state.

So they're in the care of the state.

And that's about it.

And so when you get a job there,

I was just happy to have a job because when you're a new therapist,

It's hard to get a job because you have no experience.

And so I was like,

Oh,

Yes,

I'll work here.

Cool.

It's a hospital.

Wonderful.

I had no idea.

No idea what I was walking into and no experience with this,

You know.

Before that,

I was a grief counselor.

I was working with people who had recently lost somebody who died or who were dying,

You know.

So that wasn't easy either,

But there's a whole different kind of not easy working with these kids,

You know.

So that's why these kids were deemed unsafe to live in society or even to be around themselves.

That's why they had to be locked into this place,

You know?

Many of them tried to kill themselves or their sister or brother or their family pet,

You know?

Not easy to leave them alone.

They couldn't be left alone.

They always had to have eyes on them.

There's cameras in every room.

And then they would give us these sheets.

And if you meet with the client,

You have to keep that sheet.

And if you're meeting for an hour,

Every 15 minutes you have to put your initials to prove that they're with you.

And even when you're walking them and they're like,

I need to go to the bathroom.

Even if you say,

Yeah,

You can go,

You could potentially be fired for that.

If you let them go to the bathroom on their own,

That's how they can break out of this place.

And none of them want to be here.

They're locked in against their will.

Like sign the sheet and then stand right outside the bathroom door,

You know?

And then there's no windows out.

It's like all brick,

You know?

And if they stand there too long,

You have to call for help.

And then right next to the bathroom was a cafeteria.

And I don't know why they did this,

But right along the cafeteria,

So they're all waiting in line,

Right?

It was a huge.

.

.

Wall of just glass windows.

Big mirrored glass and if you look through the window they had a pool.

And my office was on the other side of that.

So I had a poolside view,

Believe it or not,

Even though the job was so stressful.

But I had a poolside view.

And these kids,

If they had really good behavior,

They could get to go with supervision into the pool.

But what would happen is they'd walk out of the cafeteria,

And every day there'd be a fight,

Huge brawling fight.

And at least once a week,

Somebody would punch the window out.

You know,

And so.

Don't put the window back.

They replace the window again.

They punch out,

There's glass all over the place.

So this was,

I'm just trying to give you a visual of.

Of how the place was.

It was not easy to work there,

To say the least.

So I had ended up saying,

For them,

Even going to the bathroom required a security guard escort.

It was at this place that the concept I learned in my psychology textbook was brought to life.

Children who are abused go on to abuse.

So that's a big concept,

And that's a samskara,

Right?

Those of you who understand,

Have learned about samskaras and Vedic psychology,

Whatever gets put in you.

.

.

Either you're going to do it to somebody else,

And you don't even realize it's abuse,

Because it was done to you,

And nobody said,

I'm abusing you now.

It just was like,

You just thought that that was normal,

That's love,

You know?

And so either you're going to do it yourself,

Or you're going to be attracted to somebody who does it to you,

You know?

And it doesn't have to be the obvious physical abuse.

It can be very much more subtle emotional abuse.

How it played out was the children would try to cut themselves.

Hang themselves.

Bully their peers,

Or beat up anyone who crossed their path.

Including me.

For example,

One day one of my clients who at the ripe age of 14 and a proud member of a deadly gang.

She scoffed at me.

Miss Jessica,

I'm not afraid of you.

I could take you out easy.

You're too soft.

What would you do if I tried to beat you up?

And I could do it,

You know.

So this girl,

First of all,

I always say I didn't grow up with any brothers.

There's like no male presence pretty much in my life.

I only had sisters and my sisters only had girlfriends.

I mean,

We'd all be,

It'd be like eight women and my mom.

And my dad,

He was kind of feminine,

Actually.

He wasn't a guy's guy,

A man's man.

He wasn't.

So basically,

I don't really know how to be around brothers or boys and stuff like that.

And I definitely never fought.

I never got in a fight my whole life.

Physical fight.

And then these girls come,

And they were tough.

And they were part of gangs.

And their boyfriends killed people.

They were telling me these crazy stories.

I'm like,

What?

And when you're a therapist,

You're supposed to be neutral and be like,

Oh.

Your boyfriend killed somebody?

Oh,

That's nice.

But I'm like,

Oh my god.

This is too much.

Sorry.

So it's a lot to hear these stories.

And these are kids.

They're little kids.

This girl,

She was 14.

You wouldn't guess if you saw her.

She had blonde hair.

She looked totally innocent.

But the way she talked,

She's like,

Yeah.

And she was part of one of the deadliest gangs in the United States.

There's two gangs.

I don't know if they're around the world or not,

But there's the Bloods and the Crips.

And she was part of one of those gangs.

And she was talking about her boyfriend and how they beat up people and how they stole things and how her boyfriend,

What is it called?

Carjacking.

How her boyfriend killed somebody and the details of the carjacking.

And I'm like,

Oh my God.

That's why I had a big thing of candy,

Right?

That was my emotional support.

I'd be like,

One minute.

And then what?

OK.

Do you want some?

It's so stressful,

You know,

And then every hour,

And they live there.

They live there,

So it's not like my normal,

Like my private practice,

I see somebody for one hour once a week,

You know,

But there,

They live there.

I'm getting called all day long,

And I have to see them every day.

Individual therapy every day for them,

And group therapy,

You know,

So it was a lot to say the least.

Okay,

So.

And I even would get calls.

One of my clients tried to hang herself with her bed sheet and I had to go see her.

So every day there was something.

Okay,

So this is the one who said she could beat me up.

She asked what would I do if she tried to beat me up.

And I'm like,

Nobody ever asked me that before.

I said,

I would hide under my desk.

And call security.

This kind of interaction was normal with my patients,

Testing their limits and expressing their distrust of authority figures,

Including me,

Their well-meaning but not well-equipped therapist.

Needless to say,

My work was very stressful,

And I looked forward to the weekends when I could escape and lose myself in writing the Ayurvedic guidebook with Dr.

Chauhan.

From time to time,

Dr.

Chauhan and I would talk on the phone to discuss the book.

One call with him in particular in November 2014.

Oh,

That's cool.

Ten years from now.

Ten years ago.

Exactly.

Okay,

November 2014 was very poignant because I had the extremely good fortune to hear about Babaji for the first time.

It was a moment I'll never forget.

We are wrapping up the call after discussing our book edits.

Dr.

Chauhan invited me to visit him in India again,

Like I'd done the year before.

I accepted his invitation without hesitation and then automatically started planning how I would visit Amma for one week and then Dr.

Chauhan for the other week,

Just like I had done in 2013.

Dr.

Chauhan abruptly interrupted the chatter in my head.

By asking me a question that quite frankly changed the entire course of my life.

With pinpoint precision,

Dr.

Chohan inquired.

What have you learned from your Guru Amma in the past five years since you've been with her?

You can tell he's Bubbage's brother,

Right?

Sharp like a dart,

You know?

I was caught off guard and I didn't know what to say.

I laughed nervously as I babbled out some bullshit.

My mind was desperately searching for something intelligent to say,

For I admired Dr.

Chauhan and I wanted him to think I was cool and smart.

But I felt stupid and embarrassed because,

Truth be told,

I didn't really have an answer.

In fact,

I'd never considered that question.

I didn't know I was supposed to be learning something specific.

I mean,

My background,

It's not that I'm Indian,

It's not that I knew about having a guru,

I just kind of fell into having Amma because my friend at the time said,

We were both into Ayurveda,

And he's like,

Amma's coming to New Mexico,

We should go see her.

I'm like,

Cool!

Oh,

They have dosas there and coconut chutney?

Love it!

And chai all night?

Yes!

That was it.

It wasn't that I was on some quest at that time.

So I was basically just going to see Amma because seeing her made me feel better.

It was as simple as that.

And what's so wrong with that,

I wondered.

Dr.

Chauhan seemed comfortable lingering in the silence,

Waiting for me to arrive at my response.

Which I still didn't have.

Finally,

In an effort to break the awkward silence.

.

.

I blurted out,

I learned from Amma what love is.

Without missing a beat.

Dr.

Chohan said,

Oh really?

And so what is it?

I proudly replied,

Love is when you're kind and caring and compassionate to everyone,

Like how Amma is.

He didn't buy it.

And actually deep down neither did I.

For in those moments of silence.

When I was racking my brain for an answer,

I realized I hadn't learned very much at all from Amma.

Don't get me wrong,

I had some very sweet experiences with her,

For sure.

But I could see that I had not grown since taking initiation from her.

Yet at the same time,

I didn't want to give up my Guru.

So I stayed fixed in my position and prepared to argue my point.

However,

My flimsy answer only prodded Dr.

Chauhan,

Encouraging him to proceed.

He advised me to find a teacher who could help me progress spiritually.

He said,

If you are serious about spiritual life,

You need a spiritual teacher.

I defended myself.

I already have a spiritual teacher who is amazing,

So why do you want me to leave her?

Dr.

Chauhan had hit the nail right on the head with his penetrating question.

And he continued with his no-nonsense answer.

Because your spiritual teacher is supposed to teach you.

Are you studying any scriptures under Alma?

Scriptures?

No.

Why would I need to study scriptures when I have the books of Amma's life stories?

They inspire me to be a better person.

Isn't that enough?

So here's the thing.

You know,

Amma is a totally different type of guru,

And I'm not trying to criticize her at all.

I mean,

I was fine,

I probably would have been fine with her for my life.

I had a very nice plan,

You know,

I would go,

When she came to the U.

S.

,

I would go to her,

You know,

We would do keraton all night,

Which I loved,

You know,

And we would dance and sing and eat doses,

And I met nice people,

And I would go,

They would,

We would,

She had like different groups all around the U.

S.

,

So where I lived in Florida,

I found a group in Miami,

And we would meet,

You know,

And it was like satsang,

You know,

Remember,

You know,

Tell stories about Amma and read some of her books together.

You know,

I don't want anybody who maybe you're following Amma or she's your guru or anything like that.

I'm not trying to criticize her at all.

I had a very good experience with her,

You know.

And like I said,

I don't think it's that clear in this book,

But it took Dr.

Chauhan one year.

It's not that we had one conversation.

And I defended myself for three minutes,

And then I'm like,

Cool,

For one year this argument was going on over Ummah.

You know,

And one of my friends,

I don't know if he's on the call,

But Bart.

Bharata,

He had already been with Babaji for a few years.

And one time,

When I came to India,

It was Bart and Dr.

Chauhan.

I felt like a cornered animal,

Like a caged animal,

Because they went on for like an hour in Dr.

Chauhan's office,

Like pummeling me with questions.

And I was like,

No,

Because of this,

No,

Because of that,

No,

Because of that.

So it's not that I gave up my guru easily or that I just was that I mean,

Up until a certain point,

But I'm just saying the background of what went on was not an easy thing for me to just drop her,

You know?

Okay.

So.

So anyway,

The scriptures,

No.

I said,

Why do I need scriptures?

So Dr.

Chauhan said,

OK,

Please do one thing.

Just watch one video and tell me what you think.

So I said,

All right,

I can do that in one video.

Fine,

He'll stop,

Leave me alone,

You know.

So I nodded in agreement,

But in my heart I felt defensive and annoyed that he was questioning my guru.

Dr.

Chong either didn't notice my sour mood or maybe he didn't care.

Whatever the case he pressed on.

Revealing his brother's name.

Satyanarayana Dasa which sounded so elegant.

Like a ballerina gracefully pirouetting on the stage.

To my surprise,

Just by the sound of his name,

I liked him already,

Yet I didn't even know him.

Dr.

Chauhan suggested I watch any of his brother's thousands of lectures on YouTube.

He advised me to just type in his name,

And he spelled it out so slowly.

Sat-ya-na-ra-ya-na-da-sa-ba-ba-ji.

I remember him doing it,

You know,

And I'm like,

This name is so long!

Sat,

Sat,

What,

Sat,

You know,

We were,

I think we were on a WhatsApp call,

You know,

So I was writing the whole thing,

And I,

What,

I didn't get it at first,

You know,

Writing the whole,

More,

There's more to that name,

You know,

You know,

He kept going with the name,

I said,

Okay,

And I was really almost going to just throw the paper out,

You know what I mean,

Like,

I'm like,

What,

I'm going to watch a video,

And all of a sudden,

Then I'm going to go,

Okay,

Thank you,

Great,

You know,

I thought it was so stupid,

But I thought,

Okay,

I'm going to have to talk to him again,

And he was being so pushy and relentless that I'll just do it one time,

You know,

So.

I don't know what came over me to let down my guard so easily,

But that night,

I did just that.

I typed in Dr.

Chauhan's brother's name and I watched a YouTube video.

Within one minute of hearing Babaji speak for the first time,

I realized I was listening to a true Master.

His demeanor was so peaceful that I immediately felt grounded and calm.

And he was speaking about relevant life issues that caught my attention.

Babaji's words were like the truth serum I'd been searching for my entire life.

So what happened,

You guys,

Was I just want to see.

I don't want to tell too much of the story if it's already written,

But I also want to say it.

So what happened was.

I was living in Florida,

And I described the job I had right,

So that job was very,

Very hard.

And in order to get licensed.

In order to have a private practice,

You have to do more than your master's degree and more than all the hours required just to even be a psychologist or a therapist,

Right?

Then you have to,

In Florida,

Do at least two more years or more,

Hundreds and hundreds of hours,

Under a supervisor to get licensed to practice in private practice.

So this place that I was doing it at,

They would give you a lot of client hours.

You could get licensed in the quickest way possible,

Basically,

But you had to basically kill yourself.

It was a lot of hours and a lot of stressful hours,

But I wanted to do it.

So my life was pretty much just that.

And they only gave 10 vacation days in the whole year.

So normally you would get more vacation time,

Plus you'd get all the holidays,

Christmas,

Thanksgiving,

New Year's.

You'd get a lot of holidays.

You'd maybe get a month or more off in a normal job,

But this job,

10 days only.

So there was basically no time off.

All the therapists were smoking pot and drinking alcohol in their downtime just to let off the steam.

It was so stressful,

You know?

And the therapist in the office next to me.

She was working so hard that one day when I went in there,

She just looked so bad.

I said,

What is wrong with you?

And she had just fainted.

She had just come off the ground because the stress was too hard,

The work was too hard,

She hadn't eaten.

So I'm just trying to paint the picture of her.

How special it was to see Babaji.

It's calm and just peaceful and talking about life in a way that I could understand,

You know,

It wasn't something over my head.

It was very,

Very special for me because my life outside of that was,

He was like the lotus and I was in a big pile of mud otherwise,

You know.

It was a really special moment,

You know,

For me to see him.

And hear him.

As a naturally inquisitive person,

I had so many unanswered questions about the mind,

Emotions,

Love,

Relationships,

Death.

Dying,

Grief,

And the purpose of life.

It was amazing to see Babaji just nonchalantly dispensing the answers to my long-standing unanswered questions.

His words quenched my thirst and gave me a sense of peace and relief.

Like a cool glass of coconut water on a hot summer's day.

As I drank in the fascinating points of his lecture,

I quickly began taking notes in my journal.

I kept pausing the video every minute to ensure I had transcribed Babaji's exact words accurately.

I had no idea how thirsty I had been for this information and how much it had been lacking in my 24 plus years of education.

Including 12 years of higher education.

So what happened was.

.

.

When I was listening to that hour,

It probably took me maybe three or four hours,

Because I kept pausing it and writing notes.

And I kept pausing it and writing notes.

And those notes,

Actually,

When I was home,

I was looking for that original journal.

I didn't throw it away.

I had that journal.

Because I was wondering,

What's the first video I ever saw?

I want to find what that was in those notes.

But right away,

I was taking notes.

And then the very next day I walked in,

I started teaching to my students,

Because they were so open.

The management was so open to whatever we wanted to do there.

Because nothing worked.

So if nothing,

You know what that's saying?

If you have nothing,

Then you have nothing to lose.

So in a way,

They're like,

Well.

Most of these kids are on 10 different medicines.

They've been restrained.

Sometimes they have to hold them down.

Put them in these padded rooms because they're There too then and give them an injection to you know,

Knock them out.

It's just So basically they were open to anything.

I implemented essential oils at the whole hospital and implemented the Heptobadash at the whole hospital.

And so for me,

I mean,

That came after,

But I'm just saying.

This idea that taking notes,

That I had people to tell about it.

I'm like,

Why not?

It made sense to me what he was saying.

Let's see.

Let's see if it could work,

You know?

So I was like furiously taking down the notes.

And I was actually kind of desperate,

I have to say.

Because that job was so hard and there was no light.

There wasn't one.

Smidgen of light there,

You know.

So when Babaji was saying these things,

I'm like,

Maybe there's some way one of these kids,

It might,

You know,

It might light them up,

Maybe,

You know.

So I was taking these notes kind of fast and furiously.

Turbocharged with a newfound enthusiasm,

I began sharing the key points from Babaji's YouTube video lecture with my patients at the mental hospital immediately.

In therapy group,

I read aloud a short quote from Babaji,

And then I asked my patients what they thought it meant.

How could they relate it to their life?

They engaged and we had a very deep group discussion.

Some of them revealed more information about themselves than they'd ever had before,

Despite months of intensive therapy with me.

I was shocked.

It felt like Babaji's words of wisdom were a magic key that opened a secret chamber of my patient's hearts.

I knew I was onto something big and I didn't want to wait to meet Babaji.

So I wrote to Dr.

Chohan with my exciting news and he congratulated me.

Within a few months,

I'd accumulated vacation time in an expeditious manner by working over the holidays and covering my colleagues' days off.

So how it would work was that nobody wanted to work on Christmas,

Or whatever the big US holidays are,

Like July 4th or Thanksgiving or Christmas.

So I would do it.

And if I did that for somebody else,

My family's like,

Are you coming home?

I'm like,

Nope.

So I'd collect the holidays.

So I wanted to come here and see Babaji and meet him.

So I worked through all the holidays and through everything just so I could get a few days,

Basically,

To come to India.

And the pay was horrible.

So I didn't have enough money to buy a ticket.

I had to put it on a credit card.

Because they pay you really bad when you're basically not licensed yet.

So I covered my colleagues' days off.

I didn't care if I had to work on Christmas or Thanksgiving or Easter or late nights or weekends.

I just put my head down and did the extra hours.

I was completely fixated on my goal of going to India to meet Babaji.

Dr.

Chauhan tried to convince me not to visit Babaji in this scorching hot summer,

But he gave me his email anyway and told me to write to him directly,

Which I eagerly did.

Not surprisingly,

Babaji also kindly advised me against coming in July because of the unbearable heat.

But I didn't care.

I was intent on learning from him as soon as possible,

And I booked my flight for a two-week stay at his ashram in July 2015.

After nervously climbing up the three flights of steep stairs to meet him.

Okay,

To meet him.

Mmm.

In his office.

Okay,

I was immediately calmed by seeing him peacefully writing at his desk.

Following a brief exchange,

We got to work straight away.

Babaji began sharing the secrets of the ancient science of Vedic psychology.

Babaji told me these teachings are not some theory that will be modified or disproved over time.

These teachings are the eternal truth about the nature of the mind.

And there's a nice picture of him writing.

In his office.

The teachings come from.

.

.

I was just looking for something because the story,

How we wrote it,

Is not exactly how it happened.

So I want to see if I told.

.

.

Some of you who know me,

This isn't exactly how it happened.

There's other things that happened that I think we put in another chapter.

So that's what I was getting stumped on.

I think it'll come later.

The teachings come from realizations by ancient sages who,

Through deep meditative practices,

Could actually experience and see the mind.

Just how you or I can see the human body.

He shared how there are four parts of the mind and he explained in detail their characteristics.

He told me that Manas is the emotional mind.

Ahamkara is our sense of identity.

Chitta is our unconscious mind that houses our samskaras,

Which drive all of our thoughts,

Feelings,

And behavior.

And Buddhi is our intelligence,

Which has the capacity to manage the three other parts of the mind.

I loved the systematic explanation and could see how it would be fun and easy to teach to my patients back in the USA.

After Babaji explained this,

He casually asked me,

If you don't know your own mind and how it works,

Then how can you control it?

I laughed at the absurdity of the situation.

Me,

A psychotherapist whose expertise was in knowing the mind.

Yet it turns out I didn't really know much about it at all.

This conversation marked the beginning of a series of meetings in which Babaji opened up a whole new world of Vedic psychology for my own healing,

As well as for my clients,

Starting on that hot Indian summer day in 2015.

So this picture,

It says Babaji opening the doors of Vedic psychology.

That picture actually I took of him.

And that was him and his.

Childhood home in his village.

That was the doors to the house.

So reflection,

As my visit with Babaji came to an end,

I began thinking more about what had transpired.

I wondered what it would have been like if I had only been open to Dr.

Chauhan's advice from the very beginning.

Because honestly speaking,

That was not the first time he had questioned my guru,

Amma.

He had actually been questioning me about her,

Okay,

There it is,

For one full year.

And I had been adamantly defending my choice to have her as my guru.

I had been too stubborn to consider Dr.

Johan's words.

And only perceived them as a text.

I wonder if only I had seriously contemplated Dr.

Chohan's words.

The very first time he spoke them.

Maybe I could have met Babaji one year earlier.

If only I had been humble enough to consider that I might not be right.

Maybe I could have learned a lot more in my life.

If only I had approached my life with an open mind and not seen other people's questioning of my choices as an attack.

But instead as an interesting conversation.

It makes me wonder how many other times in my life.

I've missed out on important opportunities because of my pride.

I wonder how many times I've shut down and defended myself.

Instead of opening up and expanding my knowledge.

So the lesson I learned was that every criticism is not an attack.

There may be an opportunity to learn and grow.

So that's this chapter.

Um,

There's more I can share,

But what do you guys think?

Do you have any insights or questions?

I remember how we were on Zoom when you came the first time.

You were sitting on the stairs telling me how it was.

You managed the heat.

I mean,

It's quite amazing.

It was very hot here.

No AC.

You were so determined.

I was so determined.

There's more parts to this story,

But I don't think I.

.

.

I think the next one is when it's going to be actually when I took Diksha,

I think.

No,

That's a jealous one.

So I have to review it again because,

But yeah,

I don't want to tell stuff that happened,

But I also kind of want to do,

Because the whole story,

Because here I'm not talking about taking Diksha,

I'm talking about,

You know,

This.

So there is something that happened before this,

Obviously,

Which was when the first time I met him,

I took Diksha,

And that is in here.

But it's just not in the order that I It's the next one.

The jealous one?

OK.

So that's coming,

And then I'll tell more.

So it's reversed,

But I think that the editor had made it flow like that.

But yeah,

I remember that first time,

Because I already knew you.

I already met you at the very beginning,

Right?

And we were already talking on Zoom.

Yeah,

Babaji had told me about you.

And then he sent me some of your writings.

The first thing was that about the mosquitoes,

How Babaji had malaria.

And how you made a story out of it for the kids.

It was quite amazing.

I'll bring that.

I'll bring that.

I was thinking of when I get to the kids thing.

So what happened was that when I first came,

I only came for two days,

Right?

Just for Deeksha and his Mahante.

His Mahante was like,

And my Deeksha was the day before that.

That.

So I came,

I met Jaya first,

And then,

I won't tell too much,

But I had to wear,

Sorry,

For the first time in my life,

You know,

Gotek Diksha,

You know,

And then the next day,

And I met Kamala.

Kamala came up and she said,

I need a pineapple.

Can you go to town and get me a pineapple?

And I'm like,

What?

It was because of the Mahant day.

It was the day before.

So I think you were really trying to manage a huge thing for her.

And then with Jaya,

I met you that night.

Before Diksha,

I arrived that day around three,

You know,

And then I came and met you and then.

.

.

Babaji was walking by and he was just like,

Get a sari.

And I'm like,

Wait,

What?

Because it's not that I was like part of ISKCON or part of some spiritual society that we had been like in association,

Nothing.

It was just that Dr.

Chauhan was like hammering me for a year.

And then when I finally cracked and said,

Yes,

I'll do it,

He was like,

Great.

And then he booked the taxi and I was on my way.

So there was not a lot of like,

I didn't know exactly what I was getting into in a lot of ways.

But so it was just kind of like I met you and then I met,

And then Jaya was like,

You know,

Helping me get a sari.

I came and met you in the morning and in the morning.

Yeah.

And then I took deeksha.

But because it was his hunt day,

Then the next day the family was already there,

Like La Tensushila,

And those guys I knew,

You know,

His family members for a few years before,

So they were like waiting for me,

And yeah,

The whole thing was.

.

.

Very interesting,

You know,

The whole experience.

And then after Deeksha,

I think I met you because I didn't even know him,

You know,

I hadn't even been in touch with him by email or anything.

And the first time we met was here,

I think,

Probably in 2015.

Yeah.

We were in touch for a long time,

Though.

We were in touch for at least six months,

I remember,

Regularly.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

We met here.

Here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So all that is coming out,

But it's very interesting to read it 10 years later,

You know,

The experience and how I would say how green I was,

You know,

How basically I didn't know anything,

You know.

All I know is that when I saw him on the YouTube,

I'm like,

OK,

I'm done.

I remember I called Dr.

Chauhan.

I said,

OK,

I'm done.

He's like,

What?

I don't know if I put that in here,

But he's like,

What do you mean?

I'm like,

I'm done with Alma.

He's like,

You watched one video.

I go,

Yep.

And he was like,

What do you mean?

I said,

I don't know.

He's just very peaceful and calm.

And what he said made sense.

I'm ready.

And I had,

You know,

Amma,

You can buy her blessed,

Like,

Jewelry and things,

If she wears,

Like,

A ring.

A necklace or some cloth.

Then when you go to her events,

You know,

All of the things that she's worn are like prasad and you can purchase them,

You know.

So a year before that I had bought,

Before I even knew of Babaji really,

I had purchased a pretty ring that had a very light green gemstone in there,

You know.

And I wore it every day because I was like,

This is blessed by my guru,

This is so cool,

You know.

So I wore it every day.

And,

But the day,

See I was staying at Babaji's sister's house for one week,

You know,

Before I came into Bhadgiksha.

Out with the family in our normal way.

We weren't talking about Vrindavan,

Bhakti,

Babaji,

Nothing.

We were just talking about Ayurveda and doing the normal things.

But so every day I was going to the clinic,

You know,

Going to the school,

The Ayurveda clinic.

And the day before I was.

.

.

Coming here to take Diksha.

I was walking from Sushila's house to the clinic,

And I had that pretty ring on.

It was that color,

John,

Of yours,

You know,

Very light,

Pretty green.

I forgot what that kind of gemstone's called.

And I was walking along,

And I went like that,

And the whole ring,

The whole ring I watched it fly off my finger,

You know?

And I just let it go.

To me that was representative of saying goodbye to my group.

I just let it go.

I threw it,

Like it was falling off and I just threw it.

To me,

That was like,

OK,

I'm ready to take deeksha now.

Whatever that means,

I didn't really know.

But I knew it meant I'm having a new guru now.

So that was very symbolic that the stone was flying off.

It was like this kind of a big,

Nice stone.

So the stone was flying off.

And I took the metal part and just threw it.

So I think I was ready to take the exam,

Even though I didn't know what I was getting into.

All this ahankara.

Somebody online wants to say something.

I can't read it.

Who?

Budra.

Welcome Bhadra.

Howdy,

World!

We can't hear you.

OK,

Sorry about that.

We've got no speakers,

Special speakers.

So Vilas is just making sure that.

OK,

Now we can hear you.

Yeah,

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

You got it.

Nice speakers.

Hello.

Yeah,

So thank you so much,

Yoshika,

For sharing your story.

It's really a privilege also to hear a book read by the author.

I think it's a wonderful experience.

But I have a question.

I mean,

You perceive Dr.

Chauhan's suggestions that you meet Babaji and you hear his lessons and everything as an attack.

And I was thinking,

Because I I had this experience in my therapeutic process with you that sometimes you said something that I felt,

Not as a thug,

But I felt super uncomfortable.

So I think this is also part of the hankara.

I don't know if it was your identity or sense of identity also attached or linked to you being a disciple of Amma.

Yeah,

Definitely.

Yeah,

Because I had dedicated like five years,

I mean,

I was,

When she would come to the US,

I would like fly to New Mexico,

Then I'd fly to San Francisco,

I'd go to Boston,

I would follow her around with a group of people,

You know,

I was like really into it.

It wasn't that I just see her once a year,

You know,

I went to her ashram in South India,

So I was really into it.

So for somebody to be like,

Drop her,

I was like,

He doesn't know anything about her.

He doesn't know anything about my dedication to her and to that path or anything.

I just felt very attacked and criticized.

He didn't say,

Tell me about Amma and what do you like about.

.

.

Nothing.

He was just like,

Is she reading the scriptures?

And I'm like,

Why are those important?

Because don't forget,

I also grew up atheist.

I grew up with my parents.

It's not that I already was reading the Holy Bible or something.

I had no religious background,

Zero.

So to me,

I didn't understand why you'd need to read the scriptures.

I thought it was good enough I had a guru.

That's huge,

Coming from an atheist family.

Do you know what I mean?

So yes,

I felt very kind of attached to Amma,

And very attacked,

And that's my ahankara,

That's my identity.

I felt proud,

You know,

That I was a disciple of Amma,

I was a devotee.

I was into that group,

And for him to just cut it at the root to just be like,

With one or two hard questions and that's it,

You know?

Yeah,

So it was my identity was being attacked.

Looking back,

Do you think that was the best way to deal with it or could there have been another way how he could have done it without dealing?

That's a good question.

Purging you.

I think so.

Right?

What do you think,

Latali?

What could he have done?

You know Dr.

Cho,

Huh?

I mean,

I was thinking about that,

Actually.

I was thinking,

Oh,

What they did is a direct attack to her Ankara.

That's exactly the contrary of what you're teaching us.

So I was wondering,

Why have they been so harsh with her?

I'm surprised actually.

So definitely it seems to me it was not the right way,

You know,

To.

.

.

To question you,

Or to know more about you,

The relationship of your guru,

And then maybe softly.

.

.

He's his way in,

You know?

Yeah,

I mean,

You know.

.

.

Right away.

Yeah,

I think definitely he could have done it in a softer way.

Like maybe be more curious about what I did like about her.

And get to know you better as well.

And then help me by asking me questions for me to realize what I didn't know.

You know what I mean?

Like,

Yeah.

I think Baba's style is a little different.

He always confirms what one is doing.

He's doing it very subtly.

He encourages people to do what they want,

And at the same time.

.

.

He plants a seed of doubt,

A little small seed that you might doubt,

Right?

But he's not confrontational in that sense,

That you feel resistant.

Because if you feel resistant,

Then it creates a samskara.

Right,

And then you dig in,

You dig in your heels,

Which is why I think it took a year.

I was just like,

No,

You know,

I'm as great.

What were you going to say,

Mohini?

It's a good question.

I was also just wondering on this point,

Did Babaji approve this behavior of his brother?

I don't know if they have that kind of relationship.

You know what I mean.

No,

Can you repeat again?

The brother is like a full-grown man,

So I don't think Babaji approves his brother's behavior.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't think he even knows about it.

And is he still doing like this,

Like pushing people?

I don't think so.

Honestly,

Like I talked about it with Dr.

Chauhan since then,

You know.

He doesn't do it.

I talked about him actually,

Like,

And processed what the whole thing was that happened.

What actually happened was that we were working together for a few years.

And without even knowing about Babaji,

I had a desire to move to India,

Period.

I wanted to move to India.

And I wanted to do something with Ayurveda.

And that's why I was working with Dr.

Chauhan.

But we couldn't figure out how I can live in India and do Ayurveda.

We were trying to think.

I even wrote a proposal for him when I was there one time,

A detailed proposal.

OK,

I'll live in Faridabad,

But I don't want to live by myself in India.

Can I live at your guy's house?

I mean,

We were trying over quite a period of time for me to get here.

So I think he was also kind of frustrated because we couldn't figure it out.

So he told me later on.

If you take Deeksha from Babaji,

You won't leave him.

But a lot of Westerners come and they do Ayurveda and then they just drop it.

So his idea was more like,

OK,

Let me help you get more aligned spiritually.

Let me help you get more connected to the guru.

And then also for you to be more stable and fixed and not be like,

Oh,

I'll do Ayurveda here.

And if it doesn't work with you,

Dr.

Chauhan,

I'll just go down and do it with Amma.

If it doesn't work with Amma,

I'll find someplace in the Himalayas.

I think he was doing it from a very good place,

Seeing that I was I knew India and I knew Ayurveda,

But I wasn't that picky about with who.

And I think he was maybe trying to help me get fixed.

And he thought,

OK,

I got a secret weapon named Babaji.

Get hooked onto Babaji,

You won't leave Babaji,

Then you won't leave me,

And we'll really get some good work done,

" kind of thing.

So I don't mean to paint him in a bad light either.

I mean,

He did everything really out of so much love and care for me,

And seeing that I was kind of struggling in the U.

S.

In that job.

And my family,

I have three sisters,

They all got married,

They all had kids,

So I didn't really have a family.

They all had their own nuclear family,

So I wasn't really part of anything anymore.

My dad had died,

So I wasn't in great shape,

You know?

So I think it was.

.

.

Very good what he did and also he tried for a year so I'm telling you the part trying to make it funny of how hard she had to be but that's after a year of conversation.

So,

You know,

If somebody doesn't catch it,

Eventually you have to hit them on the head with a frying pan.

So that's also part of it,

That I'm kind of pulling out pieces.

But he wasn't really harsh,

Actually.

If you heard all of my stubborn ways of what I was saying back.

Anything else that came up for you guys when you heard it?

May I say something else?

Sure.

For me,

It's also like an example of how difficult it is to change your ahankara.

I mean,

I remember in Jehovah's Digestion,

Prabhaji was mentioning all the time,

You know,

You synthesize your ego,

You synthesize your ego all the time.

It means that your ahankara,

When you start this bhakti yoga process,

Your ahankara will transform,

But it's so hard.

So hard.

It's very difficult.

It takes time.

So it's also like being patient and kind of tolerant with the uncomfortable sensation of my ahamkara transforming.

Yeah.

Yeah,

That's good,

Bhakti.

That's true.

And it's also this whole idea of realizing,

Oh,

I have something called an ahamkara.

And when it's uncomfortable,

It's probably a good thing.

You know,

It's like,

Ooh,

That means it's transforming.

Like you said,

Okay,

Now let me stay with that.

Let me try to introspect and not get mad at the other person,

Attack the other person or blame the other person and see that this is a good thing for me.

Yes,

Kamala.

Exactly,

I wanted to reach this point because now in the Um.

.

.

In the last part,

But the lesson learned,

Actually this is the outcome of a process that you went through completely,

You have embraced,

Because not taking every criticism as an attack,

Is something like,

Is a point that has to be… become ripe and mature with the time,

With the experience.

Because the first thing that does,

When somebody is saying something contrary that we don't like,

Is immediately becoming defensive.

And this process,

I experienced myself,

Is like in a fraction of a second.

It's not that,

You know,

You think about it and immediately it happens.

So then this is basically a fruit.

Is the result of a big work and also recognizing it.

And taking it as an opportunity to learn and grow is like the cream.

Is the hard work in order to come to this point and even say this.

It's a hard one.

Thank you for sharing your experience,

I think,

Making us thinking.

Anything else.

Hare Krishna This is my first reading,

But I was really inspired by the book.

I've asked questions in the chat here,

So you can see the question I was going to ask.

I was interested in this conundrum that many devotees,

Even in Gaudiya Vaishnavism,

Face where,

Whether you call it fate or destiny,

You meet some world.

And,

You know,

You may practice for some time,

And then eventually over time,

We don't know whether it is one's own illusion or one's actual advancement,

That they meet other personalities,

Other gurus,

Maybe in the same sampadaya,

Other sampadaya,

Who may see more advanced.

And then they struggle with this question of,

Oh,

Wait,

Should I be loyal because I was first introduced by someone?

Or,

Oh wait,

This is an opportunity to advance,

So maybe I should keep up.

I should move on,

So to speak.

And I think you went through that situation where,

But you were able to easily accept the fact that Amma would no longer serve you.

So I'm wondering how do other devotees who may be facing such a conundrum,

Maybe say initiated in some branch of the Sampradaya,

But maybe wanting to,

May I found someone who's more elevated,

How do they deal with that?

Intense struggle internally.

I've spoken to several devotees.

Yeah,

I agree.

I think it's.

.

.

I've been hearing it the whole 10 years I've been here,

You know.

Many people struggle with that and I've heard that question asked so many times to Babaji,

You know,

It's a very common question.

But I don't want to speak,

You know,

For him or answer for him,

But you're right,

It's a very common question and a very difficult struggle.

What to do about that.

Okay,

I think we're good.

Thank you guys all for being here.

I'll see you next week.

We'll keep going.

Haribo.

Haribo.

Haribo.

Thank you.