What Prevents Change To Occur - Rapid Realization Podcast

In this talk from the Rapid Realization Podcast, we talk about why we don't change or what seems to hold us back from change no matter how much knowledge have that a change is "good". We uncover reasons why we don't change or stay in the same place even if we want to change. Some key ideas discussed are that the strongest emotion wins & hidden beliefs or secondary gains can be preventing us from change. If you want to make a change or know someone struggling with creating change, this is for you.

Transcript

And welcome to today's episode where we are talking about change,

But particularly why people don't change.

And maybe you have friends or a particular family member and you just see them repeating a particular pattern and you're like,

Why aren't they changing?

And I hope that this podcast episode maybe highlights some light as to one of the reasons why they would not be changing.

And this relates to me as well.

Like,

You know,

Why don't I work out more or why don't I maybe spend more time on my podcast or why don't I fill in the blank?

You know,

If you maybe have something you're like,

Why aren't I doing more of this?

Even though you have all the logic and the knowledge and understanding of,

You know,

Why this would be better for you,

For some reason there's no change occurring.

And you know,

This is one that I definitely observe and I talk with people and sometimes I really want to get clear as to what is it that you want.

And even though we want it,

There may be something that's holding us back from really fully doing that.

And part of that is an emotional,

Of course,

An emotional component.

So let me explain this by giving you a story or metaphor.

So basically there's this man who owns a dog and,

You know,

He invites a friend over and this friend comes over and he hears the dog like crying and whining from the other room and he doesn't think too much about it.

He's like,

All right,

Maybe he wants to come into this room and he's not allowed to come into it.

So he doesn't really ask any questions.

So then he leaves the house and then,

You know,

Doesn't really think much about it.

And then another time comes around where the opportunity came for him to come over again and he came over to the man's house and he hears the dog again,

Whining and crying in the back room.

And he finally had the urge to ask his friend who was the owner,

What's up with your dog?

He keeps on whining and crying and he's like,

Oh,

He's laying on nail.

And he was like,

Laying on a nail?

He's like,

Well,

Why doesn't he just get up?

And he,

The owner is like,

Well,

I guess it doesn't hurt enough for him to get up.

And so basically the moral of the story is that,

You know,

This dog is just laying on this nail and he's been doing it for so long that,

You know,

He's sitting there and crying about it,

But it must not hurt enough for him to get up from it.

And this story really relates to a lot of us in regards to why we're not changing.

The metaphor of the nail is really just like any component within your life.

So maybe for me,

You know,

If I'm thinking about like,

Why don't I work out more?

I'm thinking about,

Okay,

Well,

You know,

I'm working out three times a week and that's sufficient enough.

And,

You know,

I eat really well.

So,

You know,

Overall,

Like my health is not really declining enough for me to push to want to do that.

I don't have a motive behind it.

The pain of working out and getting up,

You know,

Working out more than five days a week is emotionally is more painful than it is for me to continue just working out three days a week.

And so that's really it.

It's just that the pain of change is far more intense than the pain of just staying the same.

So then what needs to happen?

That means the pain of not changing and being in my same situation would need to be intense enough for me to want to change.

And so there will have to be a point where I really,

You know,

Am feeling,

Okay,

Maybe I don't have enough energy or I'm not able to stand up for long periods or run for long periods or go out and do the things that I really love doing.

And the pain of missing out on all those things is becoming almost unbearable now,

So much so that that motivates me.

The pain of not doing anything,

Of not changing my routine is now more painful enough for me to change.

So basically,

In order for us to really make a change,

The situation or something needs to be heightened,

It needs to be heightened enough for us to really want the change.

It needs to be to a point of,

Someone put it this way,

They're like,

You mean like rock bottom.

And I was like,

Yeah,

You basically have to get to that point of rock bottom where there's no other option for you but to change.

And that's why,

You know,

There are people out there that are continuing the same pattern because it hasn't gotten to that point for them.

It hasn't gotten to the point where,

You know,

It hurts too much to continue to do the same thing.

And if it does hurt and it really hurts,

Then I would say then there may be something else,

Meaning they're gaining something from that experience that they identify by.

And the fear of losing that identity of self,

Of that change is far more fearful,

Is far more terrifying as opposed to keeping that identity,

Keeping that same continual pattern is just more comforting because it's like,

It's all I know.

And when all you know is all you have and the fear of the unknown is far more intense,

Then that means you're just going to continue to do the same thing because the unknown is definitely something much more fearful,

Much more painful because you can't even conceptualize the idea of how life will be without this.

And I've worked with a number of people that have this,

So I'm not sure if this resonates with you but these are what is holding you back is that the idea,

The conceptual idea of that,

You identify so much with what is going on right now that the fear of losing this is far more scary.

And so now let's just recap a bit.

So the pain of continuing to do the same thing over and over and over has not intensified enough so that means that the strongest emotion will win.

So if you feel comfortable within the situation,

That emotion is going to win until you are uncomfortable.

You're so completely uncomfortable.

Then that emotion is going to win,

The uncomfortableness of that feeling because if we change,

Then we know that we're going to be so uncomfortable.

And the thought of that uncomfortableness with that change is so overwhelmingly scary.

And so that's,

We're not going to change.

We're not going to change because the stronger emotion will win.

So going back to like that dog situation,

You know,

The dog was very comfortable in a sense of just sitting there and it didn't know any other experience besides laying on that nail.

And so it would complain about the nail and maybe you got something from laying on that nail,

Who knows and that's the other component that we want to look at is are we getting something from this experience?

Like is it what we identify by?

And the loss of identity is so much more intense and fearful that we don't even want to lose that.

So the dog may identify by that pain that it experiences from laying on the nail.

It's all it knows.

It's been laying on that nail since it was a puppy.

And if it's been laying on that nail since it was a puppy,

Then it fears,

Oh my God,

What will I fear without that nail?

What will I fear without that nail?

It's never had even that experience.

So the unknown is just far more terrifying.

But I'm going to tell you,

You know,

That obviously without that nail,

It will be able to heal and learn and learn new ways of coping.

And so whenever we really want to excite a change in someone and help someone really decide what is best for them in regards to the change,

I run through a couple of different strategies to really help them get a clear picture of the pain that is being created.

Because most people,

Like they're staying exactly where they are because in that moment it is what feels comfortable for them and temporarily it is the most easiest thing to do.

And what they want to do is just not have any uncomfortable feelings.

They don't want to go through discomfort.

And so I will ask them,

Okay,

Well,

What if you were continuing to do the same thing?

And you know,

If you're going through something right now,

I want you to ask yourself,

If you continue to do the same exact thing that you're doing right now in that situation for,

You know,

Another year,

What would come of that?

Let's bring up my workout example.

So if I continue only to work out for three days a week,

You know,

I probably continue to teeter along where I am right now.

Well,

And then what will happen in five years?

You know,

I don't really push myself so heavily during the three times a week.

You know,

I definitely do more and that means my muscles,

Like my joints,

I'm getting older,

My bone mass is going down,

So I probably won't,

My bones won't be as strong in five years.

And then what would happen in 10 years?

Oh,

In 10 years,

You know,

My metabolism goes down,

So I'm definitely going to probably gain some weight,

You know,

If I just continue to work out three times a week.

And so I could continue to think about it.

What about in 20 years?

And you know,

Now it's starting to feel a bit more painful.

Oh,

In 20 years,

Okay,

You know,

My metabolism is going to go down,

You know,

Three times a week is good,

But if I did five times a week,

It definitely would have been better.

It would have had more muscle mass.

You know,

I probably wouldn't have to work out as much as I get older too,

Just because I would be used to it now.

So I'm thinking about all this and then what I do is like,

You know,

I switch back to the other option.

I say,

Okay,

Well,

Let's say you did decide to now work out five days a week.

Now,

Let's switch your decision.

Let's say you chose to change whatever it is that you're going through right now.

Let's say you did change and you made that decision.

Okay,

So if I made that decision to work out five days a week,

You know,

I definitely would tone up much faster and,

You know,

I would have feel good even more better about myself because I'm more active and,

You know,

Within a year.

All right.

So let's say five years.

What would happen in five years?

Oh,

In five years,

You know,

Maybe I'll be able to really,

You know,

Do my first like 10K and,

You know,

I would probably be much more toned and fit and it would be very routine for me.

It wouldn't be any issue at all.

Just be part of who I am,

My muscles,

You know,

And my bone structures.

Like I would have better bone structure because I'm doing weight-bearing activities which is gaining muscle mass and bone mass.

And so then I think,

What about 10 years?

Oh,

In 10 years,

Well,

You know,

I mean,

My metabolism goes down but the thing is I'm making sure that I'm exercising more frequently and,

You know.

So I think you get kind of where I'm going with this.

So in 10 years,

You know,

I'm feeling much better when I make that decision.

You know,

The amount of comfort that I get in the long run for making that decision is far more better.

And so I would ask you,

Like,

Which one would you decide if you look at the whole picture from a point of,

You know,

The next five or 10 years?

If you continue to do the same exact thing that you're doing right now,

How comfortable is it really?

And how comfortable is it really if you decide to change now?

And that takes a couple of different shifts for someone as now they're starting to really feel the discomfort,

Number one,

Of staying the same.

And now that is becoming more intense that starts to then push them to want to change because they see that if they continue to do the same thing,

Nothing really changes.

They're doing the same thing.

But even with the decision to change,

It opens up the possibility of getting some relief,

More relief possibly.

And that idea could excite someone.

But the thing is if someone is wanting to stay the same because of something that they are gaining from the situation,

Then that's a different thing.

Then no matter how much they look at it,

That is kind of hidden in the background.

Like,

For example,

Let's say someone that wants to make a lot of money,

You know,

Or have this really awesome opportunity for this new job where they're going to make a lot of money.

And this is a common one that we have a lot of money beliefs.

And so let's say this idea of getting,

You know,

Making all this money is such a wonderful thing for them,

But they may self-sabotage themselves from either the business venture succeeding or,

You know,

From obtaining that new career.

And the reason why is because deep down inside,

They're getting something from maybe not having a lot of money.

I know,

Like,

What could someone get from that,

Right?

But maybe they get a sense of feeling like they're a good person because they tied a belief to having money as being a bad person.

Oh,

Well,

If I have a lot of money,

Then I'm not good because there's a belief that money is evil.

And so then they're getting something from not having that.

They're getting a sense of identity that I am good.

And that may overpower them choosing to get that job or pursue that opportunity because there's this hidden belief that,

Well,

If I have that,

Then I lose my goodness.

And so there may be hidden beliefs behind why someone may not change as well.

So let's go back to that dog.

Maybe there is a secondary gain for that dog,

And that's what it's called.

It's basically called a secondary gain or an additional gain that's kind of hidden that we don't really realize that we get something from having that issue still.

So maybe that dog would get attention.

Maybe it identified by laying on that nail so much,

And it would get a lot of attention from its owner soothing.

And that attention was so good that they feared losing that nail because then they wouldn't get so much attention anymore.

And this can play out in many different ways in so many different relationships and schemes.

But someone that maybe it's kind of like a little kid that gets sick.

And then if that little kid gets lollipops and candy and anything they want to eat just because they're sick,

They're gaining something from being sick.

So kids will even pretend to be sick to maybe miss out on school or get lollipops or popsicles or whatever it is because they have a cold.

And so they're getting something from having that.

So that's called a secondary gain.

And so we have to be aware of what is someone really gaining from having something.

Is it either they're gaining a sense of identity because they don't know anything any other way,

And that lack of identity is so more terrifying than holding onto that?

Or is it just that there's not enough pain for them to want to change because it's just kind of in a place of comfort,

A sense of comfort,

A temporary comfort.

It's kind of like if you ever had a friend or a family member that is in that relationship where the relationship is just,

Eh,

It's okay.

It's not really the best relationship,

Nor is it really the worst relationship,

But you can just see that they're just in a place of contentness of just being.

The idea of leaving it is far more work than the idea of staying is just easy.

And so that's why they continue with it because the relationship,

The issues within the relationship are not bad enough for them to want to change,

To want to leave it.

And the idea of leaving it is far more work or scary to leave it.

And so people stay in relationships that are not really meant for them for a long time.

And so these are a lot of different reasons why people will not change.

And so if you are that person,

Then of course you would take this information and really listen to it.

But if you know someone in your life that is also,

That may be that person that you're dealing with that you're frustrated and you give advice and maybe you give feedback and you talk to them and they vent to you a lot,

I'm going to say then you can't force them to change.

You really have to see what is it that they really want,

That they think that they're getting from their situation.

And really hear what is it that they want.

You could just tell when someone is not ready for that change.

And that's one of the things that I help identify to make sure that.

.

.

And sometimes people will be contradicting.

You can tell there's a part of them that wants to change and a part that doesn't want to change.

And so we got to listen to which part is bigger,

Which part is gaining something from this that is going to hold them back.

So I work on the parts that is preventing change.

Because obviously when people are getting to me,

They are wanting change.

So there's a part of them that does want change,

But a part of them that doesn't want their change because it's too either scary,

Fearful,

Or they identify by holding onto that for so long.

One common example would be a cigarette smoker and hypnotherapy is the realm that I practice is all about.

Cigarette smokers,

I don't typically focus on cigarette smokers,

But if I'm working with someone and that's an extra,

It's like the cherry on the top,

Oh,

You smoke cigarettes?

Okay,

I'll throw in some good suggestions and educate you about so that you no longer are a smoker.

But if people call me just for cigarette smoking,

Then I tend to refer those out.

But when it comes to cigarette smokers,

Sometimes we identify by that so much that we hold onto it because we think that,

Oh,

I am a smoker.

No,

The first thing we do is we take away the identity of being that.

So no,

It's not that you are a smoker,

You're in the act of smoking.

So the behavior is smoking.

Doesn't mean that you're a smoker.

And the same thing goes for really any condition,

Disease,

Or even for addiction.

The first thing that I do is I start to detach that thing to their identity because it's not that I am this.

It's not that I am that.

It's that I feel this,

I feel that,

Or I am experiencing this.

So it's not that I am a depressed person.

It's that I am experiencing depression.

It's not that I am an anxious person.

I am experiencing anxiety.

It's not that I am an addict.

I am experiencing addiction.

And identifying by that could also be holding you to that.

And so I like to separate the identity of that to oneself and just show that that is the behavior.

That is what we're doing.

So that it becomes more realistic in being able to change that behavior because it's now not a part of you.

It's not who you are.

And that's one of the first parts of creating change is starting to see that we are not that.

That's just the behavior that we're going through because everybody has experiences such as depression.

Everybody experiences the emotion of depression,

Of feeling sad,

Of feeling alone,

Of feeling maybe not good enough,

Or of feeling angst,

Of feeling tension in their body,

Or feeling moments of just or binging.

There's moments where I definitely become an addict with chocolate.

And so we all have these,

We can experience these emotions and feelings that we create these diagnoses around that become labeling systems that say that I am this.

It becomes a part of you,

But that the thing is that is not you.

You're an individual person with your own individual needs,

Your own individual spirit.

You have these feelings and emotions that come and go and they do change.

Emotions do change.

They never stay stagnant in one place.

The one thing that will be consistent is that you are you,

But you are beyond even just your name.

A name is a labeling system that we put upon ourselves so that we can kind of understand,

Hey,

Instead of me saying,

Screaming out,

Hey,

You tall person.

It's just our names,

We tie them to ourselves,

But we are so much more than just our name.

It's just a labeling system for us to communicate.

We are these humans that have these personalities and those personalities are very consistent with us.

Like your morals and your values and how you live by are really,

There is a deeper personality of who you are,

But that behavior is not you.

And so we have all experienced behaviors that we're not proud about,

But that behavior does not define who you are.

We have to go through certain behaviors to be able to learn.

Like if I've ever,

Let me say,

Let's say I cheated on exam.

Of course I'm not proud of that behavior,

But that's not what defines who I am.

I'm not a cheater.

I know that I'm not.

And so maybe that behavior that happened at one point is not who I am.

And so I just have to forgive and let go and recognize that I am a good person,

That I don't cheat,

That I'm honest and that I have a high integrity.

And so what I say I do.

And you know,

As,

But back at one point,

There was an experience where the opportunity was available to me.

Maybe I had a fake test running around and we all had the opportunity to look at it.

Hey,

If you had the old test running around the classroom and you can look at it and most people will look at it.

I hope my teachers aren't listening to me right now.

But the thing is,

Of course I felt guilty,

You know,

And nobody,

That doesn't mean that that is who I am.

Like I am not defined by that behavior.

And when we are looking to change,

We have to see the behavior as being separate from us and not be identified for it.

Cause it could be holding us back from that.

You know,

Oh,

This is just who I am.

You know,

I'm an addict or this is just who I am.

I'm a depressed person and this is just who I am.

No,

It's not who you are.

That's the behavior that's happening.

And we all have experienced those types of behaviors at some point in our life.

And so if we can detach ourselves from those,

From that behavior,

Recognizing that it is not part of us,

Then we can easily change now.

And especially if we can see why the change would be beneficial for us in the long run.

Like if we look at the overall totality of our life,

Like what would you have chosen?

Like if you ask yourself right now,

Like if you were going through something,

If you asked yourself right now,

10 years ago,

Like if you had the same situation or something,

Would you have changed it 10 years ago?

You know,

I've had people that like really want to go to college and they're like,

Oh,

I'm too old.

Well how long have you wanted to go to college?

Oh,

I wanted to go since I was,

You know,

In my early thirties.

And now you're in your late forties.

What about back then?

Were you too old then?

Yes,

I was too old then.

Like okay,

I know people that are in their fifties and they decide to go back for their degree because they want to learn or do something.

I'm not saying go back and do your degree.

I'm just saying if there's no such thing as being too old,

There's no such thing as doing something too late,

We can choose to change.

And so if you look back at yourself 10 years ago,

Would you have made that change?

I'm sure your future self would have thanked you for that,

Of taking the leap.

So then imagine now,

If you did not make the change now,

What would come of that 10 years from now?

And if you made the change,

Would your future self look back and be thankful?

So that's one technique you could do and really ask yourself.

And when you do ask yourself,

Really envision that 10 years from now,

What would life look like if I continued to make the same decision that I'm making right now?

Or if I did decide to make a change,

What would that what would come of that 10 years from now?

And this is something you can even ask your friends or family or whoever else is going through this experience.

Just be like,

You know,

What do you think would happen if you continue to do the same thing for six months?

For a year?

What do you think that could happen in five and 10?

And then it may push up some feelings and highlight the uncomfortableness that would be experienced that from not changing in order to help them to change.

And so these are my tips for today.

So I hope that I hope this helped out and until next time.

Thank you.

Reviews

Thank you. I can relate so well to this and I can understand better why some people I know don't want to change some certain things.

FABULOUS insightful.