Energy Vampires

This highly insightful episode is all about those dastardly Energy Vampires: people who are toxic, and suck energy from your being. Today, Glenn teaches us with how to deal with, set boundaries, and possibly remove these people, from our lives.

Transcript

Welcome to Life,

Lessons,

And Laughter with your host,

Glenn Ambrose.

Hello everyone,

Welcome to the podcast.

Today we are talking about the exciting,

The stupendous,

The wonderful energy vampires.

It's right around Halloween,

So not when you hear this,

But for us we're in a spooky mood.

Should we get the firebird?

No.

And then tell ghost stories?

So energy vampires,

Toxic relationships.

Those people just suck the energy out of you.

Yeah,

So we've touched on this a little bit in the past,

But you got a message from a fan of the show.

Right,

Megan.

Who asked to elaborate?

And she made some really good points,

And as I was reading her points I was like,

Yeah,

That's a good podcast.

Which is wonderful.

And I love this stuff,

So when the fans can write in,

Contact us,

We're very easy to get in touch with.

Especially in this day of media,

The media age.

You can just shoot us an email or find us on Facebook and just send in your thoughts and your comments and be a part of the show.

So yeah,

The energy vampires,

It's talked about a lot really,

In a lot of different ways.

And it's,

Of course my take on it is really getting to the core and putting the responsibility on us as people.

Because we can look at people and go,

Okay,

You're an energy vampire,

Or you're toxic to me,

And that's just labeling and pointing the finger away from you.

So I want to get back pointing the finger at us so we can solve it.

If our happiness is in somebody else's hands,

Then we're screwed.

When our happiness is in our hands,

Then we have a shot at it.

So with these people,

If you're in a toxic relationship,

I mean,

I guess we could start with what that looks like.

What is a toxic relationship?

It feels like something that you know when you're in.

Yes,

Yes.

You definitely know when you're in it.

Although a lot of times people make excuses.

Because if they just walk around acknowledging and admitting,

Hey,

I'm in a toxic relationship,

I mean,

Most people,

Hopefully,

Most people are going to say,

Well,

Get out of that.

Stop it.

And that's the tough part is people,

Especially when you're in a toxic relationship,

There's a reason that you're in it.

It is satisfying a need that you have to some degree.

So it's kind of easier to stay in it than it is to break away.

So when you're in it,

It can be in a romantic relationship.

It can be certainly in family dynamics.

It can be in friendships.

It can be at work.

And one of the big thing is setting up boundaries.

I believe that whenever we're in a situation,

It's for us to learn from.

So if we use the situation to learn what we need to learn to be a better person,

Then we've learned it.

We're over it.

We don't have to repeat it.

If we're just running away from people who are toxic and not actually dealing with the reason that we're around them in the first place,

Then we're just going to be around more toxic people down the road.

So when you're in it,

It's a great time to learn how to set boundaries.

And I'm also not talking about physically dangerous relationships.

When they're that toxic,

You need to get out.

If your safety is in danger or your children's safety or something,

That's a different story.

You need to get out.

But when it's just emotionally draining,

Then it's really a good time to learn how to take responsibility for your own happiness and set up healthy boundaries with those people.

So it's not all or nothing.

It's depending on the level or the toxicity of the relationship,

There is a chance to change the dynamics.

Yeah,

There is a chance.

And what's cool about that is I do this with basically everything.

Like I said,

Unless something's really toxic where you need to get out because it's dangerous to you,

That's fine.

There are those situations.

But as a general rule,

Instead of changing the things that are outside of us and around us,

We need to change ourselves.

So when we're looking at a toxic relationship,

If you're in a toxic relationship and you learn how to love yourself and you start setting up healthy boundaries,

And when people come dump their crap on you all the time,

You go,

Listen,

I just can't sit and listen to this stuff all the time.

It just brings me down.

And I found that I walk away drained.

And quite honestly,

I don't like walking away drained.

So when I'm about to see you,

I start feeling nervous because I know that I'm going to get a bunch of negativity dumped on me.

I'm going to feel bad and then I'm going to leave feeling bad.

And I don't like that.

So it's starting to affect the relationship.

I would love to have a good relationship with you.

So can we just shift things and maybe talk about the solution or how we can fix things instead of just dumping all our problems all over the place.

And you might be able to shift some stuff like that because it's letting the person know that you value the relationship that you have,

But you can't go forward in the way that it is now.

That can be helpful because not only can it give you an opportunity to put up a healthy self-loving boundary for yourself and say,

I'm not going to be somebody's toxic dumping ground because I love myself too much and I'm not going to put up with that.

So that's one thing for you,

But it also can give the other person,

The other person might need somebody to say that to them.

And that might wake them up.

Maybe not.

Maybe they'll get all pissed off,

Walk away and you'll never talk to them again.

That's fine too.

People are so scared about that happening.

And really if you take the emotion out of it and you look at it,

It's not healthy to have that person in your life the way they are.

So try to change the dynamic of the conversations between you two and you both can get healthier.

And if that doesn't work and they're not willing to change,

That's okay too.

They have a right to be toxic if they so choose.

It's their journey,

It's their life.

And if they choose to be toxic,

They have that right,

But they don't need to be around you if they're bound and determined on staying there.

So there.

Take that.

What if you're unsure about whether you would define what you're in as a toxic relationship?

Talk it out.

And I say that as a simple solution,

But talk it out with somebody that's positive.

I mean,

I always say this and it's not,

Believe it or not,

It's not because I'm a life coach.

It's because I find value in it.

Talking it out with a life coach is wonderful.

If you have somebody that's more positive in your life that isn't a life coach,

You might be able to use them too.

There's usually a reason why people are positive because they look at things in a positive light.

So you can go to that person and talk it out perhaps.

The thing about this type of stuff,

Along with a lot of other things,

Quite frankly,

Is if it's kind of toxic,

If you're wondering if it's toxic,

It's probably toxic.

For one.

And for two,

If you can't quite see it,

The reason is because you have emotion around it and our emotion clouds our vision.

And it makes us second guess things and all that stuff.

Somebody else who's on the outside,

They're not going to have that emotional attachment to your relationship.

So they're going to be able to spot it 10 miles away.

You can be like,

You know,

This type of thing happens.

Do you think that's toxic?

And you can go,

Oh my God,

Yeah.

So it's going to be even clearer to somebody on the outside.

We talked about this a little bit before we started.

There's a very popular saying that you are the sum of the five people that you surround yourself with,

That you spend the most time with.

And I was saying that that would be,

If that principle is true,

Then you want to make sure that those five people are not toxic relationships.

That those would be the most,

The best,

Cleanest relationships that you possibly could.

But you had a little bit of a disagreement with that theory in general.

Well,

I agree with the theory.

I just don't agree.

I just don't think it's the best way to approach the subject.

I think it's a common way to approach the subject because it captures people's attention.

So it's not that it's wrong or there's anything wrong with that approach.

I just choose a different approach because oftentimes when we're looking at an issue,

As soon as we can point the finger away from ourselves and say it's their fault,

We get very excited because that means we don't have to do the work on ourselves.

And that's something that I try to avoid at all times.

I teach that we're responsible for our own happiness,

So it starts with us.

So I agree with it in theory that we're the sum of the five people around us and that we have to pay attention to who we associate with because they can have influences on us.

I agree with all that.

I just want to make sure that people really take the responsibility and put it on themselves for their own happiness.

So maybe you do need to get rid of those five people or three out of the five or something,

But why?

Why are you getting rid of them?

Why are they in your life in the first place?

Is there something that needs to be healed in you that's attracting toxic people to you?

Because unless we deal with the stuff that's going on inside of us,

Then either we're just like a boy whistling in the dark.

No,

This isn't a problem.

No,

This isn't a problem.

Everything's good.

Everything's fine.

I'll just have good people around me and everything will be wonderful.

No,

You have to work on yourself and then the people around you will shift.

And again,

It's not that you can't use these things and say,

Okay,

This person's toxic.

I need to get them out of my life and then work on yourself separately.

You can do that.

It's just usually.

.

.

But if you don't take that,

Right?

So if you don't take the action to get that negativity out,

Will it affect your growth?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

You mean to get that negativity out of yourself or the toxic person out of your life?

To try to change.

.

.

To deal with the toxic relationship.

If you don't deal with the toxic relationship,

It'll hinder your own growth or will it?

Yes.

And that's why I agree with the statement in theory that you're the sum of the five people around you.

If you're around toxic people all the time and you don't do anything about that,

It will hinder your growth.

And oftentimes what we try to do is there's a balance.

We shouldn't take things personally because at the end of the day,

Nothing is personal.

And that's the four agreements.

If anybody doesn't know what I'm talking about,

Please go read the four agreements because that just does the best job at explaining that whole theory.

Nothing is personal.

So there is that aspect.

But oftentimes,

And I know I did this many years ago,

I experienced some huge spiritual awakenings at the beginning of my journey.

And I was so open that if anybody attacked me,

It just went right through me.

I didn't even feel it.

Somebody could be like,

You are the biggest jerk in the world.

And I would be thinking,

Oh,

That person is suffering and they're trying to take it out on me.

I hope they're okay.

I was so open that nobody could touch me with their negativity.

And that was kind of cool,

But it didn't last forever.

So then when I started getting affected by what people were saying,

I just kept trying to raise the bar spiritually in my own life going,

Oh,

I just need to get back to that place where no matter what they say doesn't bother me.

And there was a very toxic person in my life that I needed to interact with to some degree.

And I had to.

There was no disconnect that was allowed.

Sometimes we see this in jobs.

So I kept trying to rise above the attacks.

And after a while I went,

Maybe there's another thing I can do here.

Set boundaries,

Set healthy boundaries.

And if they're bound and determined that all they're going to do is attack,

Attack,

Attack,

Then I can just set up a boundary and go,

You know what?

No.

They're not allowed to talk to me that way,

And I'm going to cut communication.

And that was the route I needed to go.

So there's two things.

We do need to work on ourselves and we do need to raise our spiritual bar,

Let's say,

So that we understand we shouldn't be taking things personally.

That way in life,

When we're—there is negativity in life.

It's out there.

It's around us.

We're going to be exposed to it.

So when it happens,

If we're not taking it personally,

Then we can kind of just shove it to the side and it's not that big of a deal on a daily basis.

But if we've got what I call a repeat offender that is just on you and you can't get away from them,

Then you might need to set up some boundaries with that person and be like,

No,

I'm not going to allow you to talk to me this way.

It's abusive and I'm not going to allow it.

And sometimes we have to take action steps with that.

Some people,

It's getting restraining orders and,

You know,

God only knows.

But whatever we need to do to protect our space.

So with those two pieces,

One,

Not taking things spiritually and rising above and working on ourselves,

And two,

Learning to love ourselves enough and being able to set boundaries against healthy unhealthy or negative influences in our lives and just stand up and say,

No,

This can't continue.

With those two things,

Now all of a sudden,

It's a little painful at first when some of these people you care about aren't willing to change and you have to let them go.

And sometimes they're friends of 20,

30 years.

Oh my God,

They've been my friend for 30 years.

What am I going to do without them?

I can't,

I'd be a bad friend.

No,

You've obviously grown and they haven't.

Like,

It's just because you've known somebody for 30 years doesn't mean that they're good to have in your life,

You know,

Which leads us right into family,

Of course.

Just because they're family doesn't mean they're good to be around all the time.

It doesn't mean that.

Which is great,

Topical,

The holidays are coming up now.

So do you give an opportunity?

You give an opportunity.

I believe,

Like,

I do this with most things.

With these situations,

I do it,

I try to do it as much as possible.

I do it with my clients.

I do it with a lot of things.

I let people know what I need and then let them choose.

You know,

I don't want to point the finger at somebody and say,

You're bad,

You're toxic,

You need to get out.

That's not my job.

What I would rather do is say,

This is what I need in my life.

If you're willing to do that,

You're more than welcome to stay and I would love it if you would.

And then let them choose.

And if they say,

No,

I'm not willing to be positive,

Okay,

Well,

That's your choice.

That's fine.

Then,

You know,

Then I can't spend time with you.

And it's,

You know,

So you give them every opportunity in the world to try to change.

And you know,

With family,

Especially,

I see,

You know,

There's,

You can set up boundaries,

You know,

You can limit the time that you spend with them too.

You know,

I don't think we need to run around cutting people out of our lives every two seconds either.

You know,

I mean,

If like,

If you go over your family's house that's very,

Very negative every weekend and every weekend you come home frustrating,

Stop going over every weekend.

I mean,

You know,

Like you don't have to spend that much time with somebody,

You know,

That that's or,

Or if you,

You know,

If you don't see your family very often and you go spend a week with them.

And by the end of that week,

You're nuts,

Well,

Once you spend four days or three days,

You know,

Whatever you can handle at that time,

Spend that with them.

And what it is,

Is if you do things like that,

If you really look at it,

You get more quality time with these people that you actually love.

Because I mean,

Even,

You know,

Even if they're energy vampires or whatever,

You can still love them as a person.

And you can still want to spend time with them.

So it's just limit the amount of time to where you can be around them,

Maintain your positivity and then get the heck out before it knocks down your defenses.

You know,

So it's just,

You know,

There,

There's multiple ways of,

Of dealing with it,

Depending on the specifics of the situation.

I'd love to flip the script here for a second.

But what happens if you are approached and confronted that you are being negative,

The toxic person in the relationship?

Well,

You know,

When that type of thing happens,

It's like,

The best thing we can do is really,

You know,

Put down our defenses,

Not take it personally and see,

Try to see where the other person might be right.

I mean,

That could be a huge opportunity for growth.

You know,

Like my friends,

My poor friends,

No,

My,

Like,

I don't,

I try to use tact and I try not to attack people all the time on every little shortcoming they have.

I try to accept people how they are.

But if somebody is going in the wrong direction and they're one of my friends,

I don't feel it's me being a friend by keeping my mouth shut and just watching them walk into wall after wall.

I don't feel that that's me being a good friend.

You know,

So I have a tendency to try to bring stuff up like this to friends.

And you know,

Fortunately,

The people that I have in my life,

I believe we have a certain level of intimacy because of that,

Because we can be honest with each other.

And that's what actual intimacy is.

When somebody is being negative and you're just sitting there listening to them,

And basically,

You're perpetuating the problem.

You know,

You're just allowing them to continue down the wrong path.

That is not a loving act to me.

You know,

Love is an action word.

Like what does being a good friend look like?

Just watching your,

You know,

And then don't get me wrong,

Sometimes people just have to get stuff off their chest.

That happens,

But usually what happens actually,

This is,

I'm glad I stumbled on this.

This is an important part about the energy vampire thing.

Because the reason that people tend to throw up all their verbal diarrhea all over people.

Hold on,

Let's get a visual.

Let's get a visual.

Throwing up the verbal diarrhea.

Okay,

I've got the visual.

Now we'll move on.

When somebody does that,

The reason they do it is because there's a sense of relief that they feel.

Whenever you throw up,

You feel better,

You know,

Physically.

So when people throw up their negativity,

They feel better because they get it out of them.

But the problem is,

Is they mistake that for actually solving the problem.

So they throw up,

They feel better,

And then they go out into their life and they think they're negative thoughts and they create more negativity and they experience more negativity.

Then they come back to you and then they throw it up all over you again and then they feel better and they go,

Oh,

I'm awesome,

I must have done something right.

I feel so much better after I get that off my chest.

Then they go out and they create more crap and then they come back and throw it up all over you and it becomes a cycle.

You know,

And you need to break that cycle because just because you feel a little bit of relief getting something off your chest doesn't mean you actually fix the problem.

What it is,

Is it's a bandaid on a broken leg that gives them just enough relief so they can continue doing what they're doing.

You know,

So you need to break that cycle and point it out to them and be like,

You know,

How can we prevent you from going out into your life creating more crap and then coming back here and puking it all over me again?

You know,

How can we break this cycle?

And of course,

Don't phrase it that way,

That's my way.

You know,

Whenever you approach anybody about anything,

Especially something sensitive like this,

You want to get their defenses down first.

Like by opening up with,

Hey,

I really value our friendship.

I really want our friendship to continue.

And with something like that and then,

You know,

So their defenses go down and they might be open to hearing what you,

What you want to say.

Can I just say if someone that I knew very well approached me and the first thing that they said was,

Hey,

I just wanted to let you know that I value our friendship and I wanted to continue.

My defenses immediately will go sky high and I will probably start crying.

That's saying,

Well,

Yeah,

That's,

That's,

That's possible.

That's possible,

But we got to try to stay open.

You know,

Like honestly,

My son and I like for years and he still does this every once in a while.

But when he was little,

I used to tell him,

If you have something to tell me that you think is going to upset me,

Prepare me.

Just tell me,

Dad,

I'm going to tell you something that you might not like.

So buckle up,

Get ready and then tell me because then I can take a moment and just,

But you know,

In life we're going around doing things and then all of a sudden,

You know,

Your kid comes running in and you're in the middle of 14 different things and he goes,

Dad,

I just busted the light upstairs.

You're like,

You kidding me?

Another thing,

You know,

But if he goes,

Dad,

I have something to tell you and you're probably not going to like it.

Are you ready?

Then I was like,

Oh,

Okay,

Hang on a sec.

Center myself.

What I'm about to hear,

I'm probably not going to like.

Am I ready?

Don't react.

Don't lose my mind.

Okay,

Yes.

What is it?

And,

You know,

That opened us up for really good conversations about whatever and it allowed him to be honest with me instead of hiding things,

You know,

So that's another good way.

But I mean,

You know,

I've been approached by things,

You know,

I know you're not going to believe this Ben,

But I'm not perfect.

I believe it.

It's the thing that you've said that I believe most.

Well,

No,

Years ago I had a client and they,

They said I needed to talk.

I need to talk to you about something.

I said,

Great.

So we go and they said,

I've been feeling like you're kind of focused on the wrong thing.

Like when you sent me this message and it kind of felt like you were focused on this instead of that.

And I was like,

And they caught me out of the blue.

I didn't expect it.

I didn't even realize I was doing it,

But I was able to open up and just go,

Okay,

Let me think about it for a second.

And I just kind of did a self check and I was like,

You know what,

You're right.

As you know,

My focus when I sent that message was my,

I was thinking about this instead of the purity of it in this direction.

So,

So I actually sent that message kind of with the wrong energy attached or the wrong intention and it probably affected the way I worded it and stuff.

So you know what,

While you were right.

And you know,

My client was like,

You know,

I respected you before,

But now I really respect you because you know,

I just called you on something and you were open enough to admit it,

You know,

Instead of defending and blocking it.

And I use that as a learning experience.

And I had a different level of intimacy with that client because they knew that they could trust me and be honest with me.

That's a great story.

So to recap,

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you,

Ben.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

To recap,

Uh,

All work is self work.

So if you're in a,

So if you're in a toxic relationship,

Set boundaries,

See what you can do,

You know,

Really get yourself centered around what's happening,

Why it's happening.

Do you love yourself?

Why have you allowed it to continue?

Do you need to work on yourself?

Love,

You know,

Stuff like that.

Take whatever lessons that you can get out of it and then you can start dealing with approaching them,

Approaching them,

Setting boundaries lovingly,

Lovingly.

Right.

And it's really,

It's,

It's amazing what you can say to people in a loving way.

I do it every day.

It amazes me.

The things that I say to my clients and other people for that matter.

And on this podcast,

Like it's because my intention is always for the betterment of that person.

And so it's,

It's a loving intention and very rarely does it get misconstrued every once in a while it does.

But usually it's,

I mean,

The way I see it,

I'm assuming that it's by somebody that's just very defensive,

But,

But with my clients,

The ones that work with me one on one and never happens,

I don't have any of my clients that take things that I say personally and get defensive,

You know?

I mean,

Every once in a while for a moment,

But then they pause and they know that whatever I'm saying is for the highest good and it's in their best interest.

They know that they trust that about what I'm saying.

So you know,

That's,

That's the beauty of life coaching.

You get to say some really interesting things to people and help them see things that they might get offended if somebody else said to them.

Definitely.

So we are coming to an end of this episode and we are also approaching our 100th episode.

So as you said earlier,

We're very easy to get ahold of.

Yes.

On Facebook,

There's the life lessons and laughter page.

There's Glen Ambrose life coaching.

Send a message.

If you have any questions,

You can send messages or post on there.

Questions,

Comments,

Concerns.

Yeah.

Anything you want to do,

You can leave a review and subscribe on iTunes,

Leave comments on the Libsyn page,

Anything that you want to do.

But reach out and if you have,

If you have any questions or something that you'd like to just tell Glen,

If you've been listening to the show for the majority of the last hundred episodes,

We're going to try to do something cool for that hundred show.

So reach out on Facebook or email or anything like that.

And that's all I got.

Glen and the show.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do that.

Yeah.

What he said.

All right,

Everyone,

That's it.

If you got an energy vampire,

You need some help,

Let me know.

I'm around.

Talk at you soon.

Glen is available for life coaching sessions in person or via phone and Skype.

To book an appointment or for more information,

Go to GlenAmbrose.

Com,

Follow him on Facebook and Twitter or click the link in the description of this episode.

Reviews

Interesting and informative. Thank you Glenn ❤️

I love your content and listen to your
episodes all the time. Thanks for what you do!

I’ve got a toxic brother who just recently got in my head.

Boy was this show helpful, thank you!!

Serendipitous! I just journaled about being triggered by an energy vampire and in my writing and self-talk walked through my "stuff" and my responsibility to manage my reactions. Got grounded but felt like I needed a meditation or something to just listen to another human voice to really anchor what I had put in my journal, and further affirm, that it is about me and not the energy vampire. So I came here to Insight Timer, typed in "energy vampire" in the search bar and voila! right on top was this episode. This is the first I've listened to any of your work. Thank you so much for putting this talk on Insight Timer. It was a great listen today!

SPOT ON! My teenage Son is my Energy Vampire (which I take responsibility for). (I'm working on that.) We listen to this talk together and both agree on the different points they touch on. However the, "I've got bad news" warning technique is absolutely genius and a tool I hope he decides to use. Even though it addresses some pretty hard truths I didn't feel drained after listening. Quite hopeful and even a bit lighter having taken away a clearer approach to our current situation/relationship dynamic. Thank you very much!

Wonderful talk. Very happy that you decided to do a podcast about energy vampires!

Very eye opening

🙏awesome and insightful as always

Immensely helpful! And I love Glenn's laugh! Looking forward to listening to more of these.

Very insightful and helpful in defining what an energy vampire is, how to set healthy boundaries and/or eliminate them from your life, and perhaps most importantly, learning how to self reflect and get to the core of why you may be continuing to attract these types of people in your life. Thank you for such a great podcast!

Great information! I especially liked the emphasis on what you can learn about yourself when you’re in a toxic relationship—i.e. why are you tolerating the toxicity? Seeing it as an opportunity for growth is very helpful. Thank you so much! 🙏🏻❤️

Very informative, took notes in fact! Have been dealing with extremely toxic family situations for many years and just recently started putting up major boundaries. It’s tough. Glenn’s advice to look inward and heal parts of ourselves vs just pointing the finger is a wise tip. Much appreciated!

Thanks Glenn and Ben!!

I really wasn't expecting this! A really interesting and thought provoking talk, with lots of humour and some humility. I learned things. It also helped to affirm that I have done the right thing in ending a relationship, by helping me understand the situation better. Thanks! I will check out some of your other podcasts.

I wasn’t sure at first. Very casual conversation. But really good information. Honest. Thanks.

Great points! Thanks guys.

Thanks! Great advice and I enjoyed the differing views by both hosts. The questioning of advice is important so that we can admit that different ideas work for different individuals. We approach situations from our own experiences so it was nice to see this back and forth discussion.

Lotsa very helpful, thot-provoking, NEEDED info. Thx, guys!

Thank you 🙏 Great episode.