All right,
Where are my people pleasers?
I know you are out there.
I know you are.
You know,
I asked the Get Your Life Together Girl Instagram community to pick a topic for this week's episode and here we are.
This was the top rated subject.
So I know many of you are struggling with people pleasing outside of the beautiful and wonderful women I work with in private session.
I will say in all of the sessions that I've done,
Which feels countless at this point,
I have to say that people pleasing is one thing that so many people do.
I see it on a regular basis and yet those who are engaging in the behavior often have zero idea that they actually have this habit in place.
Of course,
There are others who have seen the line in the sand and are completely aware of their people pleasing tendencies,
But don't know why the default to putting other people's,
You know,
Needs and opinions and wants above their own is actually in play.
And of course,
There are many reasons for this and today we are breaking down many of them.
Of course,
We can't dive into all of them,
But we are going to really get to the baseline.
We're also gonna dive into the cycle of attachment and chat a bit about trauma and how all of this has a hand in our need to people please.
So I hope that you're buckled up,
Right?
Cause we are gonna really deep dive.
And the first thing that we should probably swim around in is the fairly standard traits of people pleasers.
You know,
All of us know one.
In fact,
We may be one on some level.
And of course,
Pleasing others is not always a bad thing.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
It's when it is our habitual habit that we have to look at the why,
The how of how it's impacting us and then move through the processes to heal and to create new habits.
Again,
Pleasing someone because you love them or showing up for someone,
Not a problem.
It's when we do this at our own detriment.
So of course,
That is the lens we are looking through today as we move through this topic and conversation.
So even though you may know what a people pleaser is,
Some of us do need a more concrete definition.
So for those of you out there,
This is a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of their own needs and desires.
They often go above and beyond,
Even if it isn't reciprocated.
And there are some fairly common traits of this,
Which are low self-esteem and self-worth.
They underestimate or undermine their own needs.
People pleasers often go with the flow that is dictated by others,
Even if it does not serve them or they don't actually wanna take part of whatever is on offer.
You know,
They're just too agreeable in general.
They have trouble asserting themselves and saying no is sort of a rarity.
You know,
They value praise and will do whatever it takes to get it.
A people pleaser will often say sorry or try to rapidly fix something,
Even if they weren't even a part of the issue or there's no apology required on their behalf,
Which of course lends them to taking blame even when things are not their fault.
They actually have little self-awareness and will often make excuses for themselves and others.
It's sort of that whole being a doormat kind of thing,
Right?
We know what that is.
And there are of course so many other traits,
But I'm gonna give you a few others to see if you can connect with either having these within your daily behavior or really begin to understand someone else.
People pleasers often have an inability to fully own their emotions.
So there's a lot of suppressing of negative emotions like anger and sadness and upset.
They tend not to express their genuine thoughts and are constantly concerned about what other people think of them or are afraid of making a fool of themselves or really work for ways that they can flatter others,
Even if they dislike them so that they can feel seen.
They also avoid conflict and disagreements often at all costs and want to be seen as perfect because that way they can please others in their perfection.
These people are also often hypervigilant of other people.
They have a hard time really distancing themselves from people who are negative,
Abusive,
Or cause them pain on any level.
You know,
They show compassion for others and to others,
But refuse to give it to themselves,
But they also do it as a way to please that person into thinking that they themselves are a good person.
It really is a very odd yin and yang of desire and fulfillment for the person in this behavior.
And I have to ask,
Are you sweating yet?
Right?
That's a ton of different traits that I just handed over.
And of course,
We want to get to the baseline,
To the root of people pleasing,
Because we can see a number of those characteristics in our own lives or in the lives of the people that we care about.
And we kind of have to start unfolding and unpacking what is below,
You know,
What's the by-product of this behavior.
And of course,
The root of this are a few much larger,
Bigger issues that we really want to talk about.
So let's drill down.
Let's start with what happens when we arrive in this world.
You see,
When we are children,
We have certain needs just like we do now.
And one of those greatest needs as a child,
As an infant,
Is to have our basic needs met,
Which of course involves safety,
Shelter,
Food.
And of course that comes down to being protected and provided for.
Sadly,
So many people grow up in unsafe and unstable and even abusive environments that cause suffering and high levels of stress and even trauma.
And here's the thing,
When we talk about trauma,
So many people still have the mindset that trauma is one activating event.
You know,
It's the car accident or the death of someone or a divorce or physical abuse.
Yes,
Those are traumas.
However,
We know that trauma can be anything for one person.
Really,
What happens in a situation that we feel is traumatic is we connect with this situation,
This moment in a very activating way.
There is a deregulation of the nervous system,
The brain,
The emotional system,
And we create these little fragments within us,
This fragment within our processing and our energy.
And we connect to the moment as a trauma event.
Remember that our brain's number one job is to keep us safe.
And it will always,
And I do mean always,
Find a way to adapt to the environment in a way that will create a form of blanketed safety,
Right?
This fort that we surround ourselves with,
That we put our emotions and our mental health and all of the things inside of it to really keep us safe.
And you know,
For many,
The default safety mechanism is to please.
It starts so early.
It starts as small children.
You know,
We cry,
We get yelled at.
What are we gonna do to please?
We stop crying.
We learn to please the people closest to us,
Such as our parents,
Our family,
Our siblings,
In a way that will create safety stability.
This is a trained,
Conditioned mechanism.
I cannot count how many times I have heard women say,
I learned if I was just good,
Things would be better.
If I was a good girl,
It was easier.
Or I figured out that if I kept quiet,
I wouldn't be the focus.
And then I hear it later on in adult relationships where there has been abuse.
And it was,
You know,
If I had the house cleaned up or the things that he liked in order,
Then things wouldn't be hard later on.
Any of those sentences speak to the perfect setup of people pleasing,
Right?
And ultimately,
Again,
This response is an adaptive coping mechanism that we put in place to help us control the out of control world around us as we try to fix and stabilize the environment.
But here's the problem.
When we wire in a habit,
It takes conscious effort to break it,
Right?
If we don't even realize that we have this behavioral pattern set up in us,
We can spend upwards of a lifetime unconsciously engaging in this way.
You know,
People pleasing becomes our second nature.
And whether we like it or not,
It negatively impacts our lives.
Of course,
There are many other ways that we are set up or we set ourselves up for people pleasing outside of childhood traumas or childhood situations or unstable environments.
Many times for a lot of women,
People pleasing is truly rooted in the fear of rejection or the fear of failure.
It can even be set up in our early friendships and our love relationships.
It doesn't have to be in the adult situations.
People who experience bullying will often use people pleasing as a way to connect with others and stay off any mental and emotional possible pain,
Right?
Again,
It's about building that fort of safety around us.
Sometimes we feel unwanted and we can't really understand why.
And as we feel that way,
We try to earn attachment,
Earn affection,
Earn connection often from emotionally unavailable people,
Right?
And the love that we receive from them becomes inconsistent and that ramps up our need to please.
If you have struggled with your self-image and insecurity,
You could possibly seek approval and validation from others in a way that is sexual or in a way that has to do with your body,
Right?
We're trying to please for gratification.
You know,
When we need constant reassurance that you matter to people closest to you,
We often struggle with feeling that connection.
And of course,
That too ramps up the people pleasing.
We often see this in a great number of people who struggle with eating disorders when it comes to self-image and validation and insecurity.
And as you can see,
There's of course,
A wide range of reasons why people please,
But many times it comes down to our attachment to ourselves and our needs not being met.
On the second layer of that attachment is really to the attachment of the people and the world around us.
So let's talk about the cycle of attachment quickly.
And I want you to see how quickly this becomes a part of people pleasing too.
So imagine a circle.
At the top of that circle,
We're gonna label it needs.
So your needs.
Moving to the midpoint on the right side,
We would label that expression or arousal of emotion.
At the bottom of the circle is gratification.
So that would be where your needs are actually fulfilled and met.
And then on the opposite side,
On the left-hand side would be trust,
Right?
So the circle at the top,
Needs,
Then expression of emotions.
At the bottom,
Gratification,
And then trust.
Think of the pattern like this.
You have a need.
It gets to a point that you express that need through an emotion.
For an infant,
You know,
They cry.
They get frustrated when they're wet or they're hungry.
An adult may become angry or upset if their needs aren't being met because that's the arousal point of the need.
A baseline example would be,
Say,
I'm starving.
This is a very simple example,
But I think you can follow it.
So I am absolutely famished.
I haven't eaten all day,
And my head is starting to hurt because of that.
Maybe my hands are shaking.
The need is the food.
The expression is the headache that's causing my crankiness because I'm starving because my need hasn't been met.
From there,
I'm gonna want to move into the gratification,
Which of course would be eating,
Right?
And for a baby,
It would be that they were soothed or fed by someone close to them,
And they begin to trust that that person will meet their needs again.
For the adult,
You know,
They trust themselves that they can feed themselves,
Or they trust the person that they're with that says,
Hey,
I think we need to go eat,
Right?
So this is the circle.
It's a very simple example,
But I promise you this is a big thing because remember,
If any part of this circle,
The need,
Expression,
Gratification,
And trust is not in place,
The brain is going to look for safety.
It's going to look for a way to get the need met in the cycle.
As adults,
We try to close that cycle in any way we can,
And often that is subconsciously.
Let me give you another example to help move this along for you,
And it's one that I see very often in session,
And it is this feeling of not being liked or not being in a group where they belong.
So I'm going to use the terms I and me so that you can better self-identify with it.
So say I have a need to be liked.
I'm in a group,
And I just don't feel like I am connecting the way that I really want to or the way that I think this should go.
So my need is to have the connection with other people who like me,
Yet I become frustrated when I am not received the way that I want to be.
They don't see my true intentions.
I then move into the gratification stage,
Giving more perhaps than I have to offer,
Or offering love and emotional support to those people that aren't really responding to me the way that I want them to.
I'm trying to level up my likability,
And when people respond in a way that they're offering me like,
I offer them trust,
Whether or not it was earned.
I give and give so that I can keep my need being met,
And I can feel like I have trust and gratification and the ability to be seen.
This is people-pleasing.
And of course,
This is a very small example,
But can you see how this has occurred in your life?
We have all really entered a state of people-pleasing at one time or another,
Right?
We're all guilty of that,
Me included.
But again,
We don't want to continue to allow the behavior on a daily basis because of course it becomes a detriment.
When we have our needs gratified,
We often then attach ourselves to the behavior,
To the person,
To the experience.
And we begin to believe that this attachment is working for us.
And this is how people-pleasing becomes the detriment,
Right?
It becomes the behavior that we don't even recognize that we're doing because it's in our everyday existence.
I've used the word detriment multiple times,
But here's why it becomes the detriment.
When we live our lives in this manner,
In this way of pleasing everybody else,
We lose our self-regard.
You know,
We do meet everybody else's needs out of fear of not having our own needs met.
It's a place of insecurity.
It's a place of fear and self-sacrifice.
And sadly,
It sets us up to be used.
This is something else that I hear so often of is I try.
I give everything I can to this person or to this experience and I never get anything back.
I feel used.
There's a reason why.
It's because you're giving everything you have to this person and they're not giving it back.
You've set this up.
We should probably talk about the other negative effects of people-pleasing beyond what has already come to mind or the word detriment.
The effects can actually be very serious,
Not only to yourself,
But to your relationships and even the world around you.
The first detriment is living in a constant state of stress and anxiety.
Look,
It takes a lot to keep people satisfied,
Right?
If you're a mother,
You know this just within your own family dynamic,
But it does.
It takes a lot for people to feel fulfilled.
And in order to do this,
People-pleasers will often suppress their emotions in order to avoid conflict or not to create a scene or to complicate things,
Right?
And when we are constantly in a state of emotional suppression,
Our stress hormone increases.
You know,
That stress hormone can lead to fatigue,
More anxiety,
And mental and physical illnesses.
In all of this,
There is an element of control.
And the people-pleaser will always do their best to keep their environment safe.
Remember,
That is the purpose of people-pleasing.
And as we try to keep our environment safe,
Our anxiety builds because we're afraid that our safety is about to be rocked.
The attachment cycle is never completed,
Right?
And so we begin to really look for the pending uncertainty and try to put the gratification and trust into place without all of the true needs being met.
It's an extremely difficult place to live.
Now let's move to resentment and regret.
When we live our lives out of alignment with our needs and our core values in order to please others,
What happens?
We betray ourselves.
In this betrayal,
We begin to feel that lack of appreciation,
Right?
We're underappreciated or we're not appreciated at all.
This happens a lot in marriages that have gone on for a long time.
And the couple has not put the effort into meet each other in the middle.
So often,
Wives become focused on making the husband's life so perfect that they begin to really feel this disconnection,
This wobble board,
Right?
The seesaw of appreciation as the pleasing gets higher and their needs not being met,
Right?
It's that seesaw effect of the pleasing at the top and the needs on the bottom,
On the ground.
But here's the deal with that.
The longer this goes on,
The greater likelihood that resentment enters the picture,
Right,
And it enters our lives.
We can feel regretful over not meeting our own personal goals and ambitions or the way that we put so much trust into other people and that regret turns to resentment.
From there,
We end up with dysfunctional relationships.
You know,
It's a really odd thing because people pleasers are trying to improve their relationships by building safety,
But in reality,
We end up creating dysfunction.
It's love me,
Love me to the point that you break me.
And what makes the matter even worse is that people pleasers are really chameleons,
Right?
So no one gets to see their true colors.
That is until the safety is broken.
And then from that point is where you often find out who the person really is,
Right?
So when we experience hurt and pain and experiences from our past and they show up in our relationships and we let go of the people pleasing,
There is this huge expression and arousal point of the emotions,
Right?
Remember our cycle here,
Where we end up breaking the attachment and showing who we really are deep down inside,
Even if we're not quite aware of who that is at this point.
So again,
We break the relationship,
We create dysfunction,
And then we try to fill in the safety and it just never works.
I once had a woman ask me if people pleasers are actually liars.
And in a sense,
It's not a huge leap.
And I'm not calling you a liar.
If you are a people pleaser,
That's not at all what I'm saying.
But what I'm saying is when you are not your authentic self and you mold yourself into someone else so that you can meet someone else's needs and wants,
Essentially,
You are not being truthful about who you are or what you need.
So while this woman was looking at it from a perspective of someone being a liar,
What I will say is,
I believe you could quickly make the leap that we aren't being truthful,
Right?
So if we're not authentic in who we are,
Then we are sort of wearing the mask.
And that will never get us to the place where we feel like we are moving forward in our lives,
Right?
We wanna remove the mask,
Do the healing,
Not love people into a space that it breaks us.
There are many people pleasers that can even take this a step further and become manipulative about how they create acceptance,
Love,
Or being wanted.
And it's from here that toxic relationships are born,
Right?
So let's now talk about emotions too,
Because this is a big thing.
People pleasers live in a mental cage.
I mean,
Think about it.
If you're constantly in that stress,
In that fight or flight,
Trying to brain hack the trauma in your life because you refuse to deal with it,
You're really preventing yourself from living the fullest expression of joy,
Freedom,
Purpose,
And your personal meaning.
That isn't to say that people pleasers don't chase their goals,
Or they're not successful,
Or they're not high achieving,
Because that's not true.
But it is to say that many people pleasers will put their goals out,
Right?
On blast almost.
What do you think?
And they'll look for this validation because they wanna make sure it serves everyone.
And when someone differs from what may work for the people pleaser,
They are likely to abandon their passion or the pursuit of what may work for them,
In favor of what their partner wants,
Or what their parents want,
Or what may come out them from whatever group they are engaging with.
When pleasing is in full scale operation,
You might find it hard to let go,
To enjoy yourself,
Speak from the heart,
Live from the mind,
Body,
Soul connection,
Because there's so much concern over everything else that dominates you.
Because of that,
There's a sense of emptiness.
And so many people,
Like I said,
Don't even realize that that source of emptiness stems from something that happened so long ago.
In all of that,
There is a massive truth that I want you to own.
If you are sitting in a space where you're listening to this and you just feel really triggered,
Or you feel like,
Oh my gosh,
I can't believe that this has been my way of showing up for so long,
And what do I need to do about it?
I want you to remember that we are all required to meet our own needs.
But we have to actually be aware that this is the way that we have been showing up.
It's not our responsibility to live for everyone else,
Or to do on behalf of everyone else.
It is always our responsibility to meet ourselves where we are,
To meet our past,
And absolutely contribute to our lives.
It's wonderful if you wanna show up for other people.
You should,
But you have to show up for you too.
It's a heavy acknowledgement when we come to this place and realize,
Wow,
I may have really caused my own trouble for a really long time.
And we begin to realize that our lives are never fully together,
Or they seem like they're always falling apart because we have wired in a safety mechanism that is no longer needed and creating turmoil.
The thing is,
Is that once we know,
When we recognize that there is something within our operation that needs to be changed,
We can get better each and every day.
We can get better at not people-pleasing.
We can shift out of the cycles.
We can really begin to own our lives instead of own the patterns in which we were taught,
Or the patterns in which we use to keep ourselves safe in a time that maybe we felt unsafe.
So how do we do that?
How do we get out of this cycle?
How do we break this piece of us that's just simply not serving us?
How do we make our lives work for us in a daily way?
First things first,
We have to become conscious of our behavior,
Right?
So if you have listened to this and you've suddenly become aware that this is how you are engaging,
You have to take some ownership.
You have to have some acceptance,
Some self-acceptance that this is something that you put in place to hopefully keep yourself safe.
And you have to be willing to put effort,
Conscious effort into moving into the next step,
Which is to not blame yourself,
To not judge yourself,
Which of course is always easier said than done,
Always.
But listen,
To some extent,
Everyone tries to please others.
We've already talked about that.
And again,
On some level,
It's not bad,
But when this is the driving force,
We have to address the issue.
And so that's where we go to,
Right?
Is that releasing judgment.
With a lack of blame and judgment,
You can then really get into a space of understanding that self-compassion must be in place in order to work through the why.
So we understand that it's happening.
We can let go of the judgment that has been happening for so long or that we've caused our own trouble or that we've broken relationships,
Whatever it is,
Because we can't change what we don't know.
That self-compassion feels and looks like,
I see you,
I understand this has been the way it is,
And it doesn't have to be this way any longer.
It's also really the only way we open the door to understanding the why.
Why aren't we meeting our needs?
Why are we not letting our beliefs and emotions really be in the forefront of everything that we do?
Why are we showing up for other people?
And this is a place where we say,
I see you,
I offer grace,
I love you,
I'm sorry,
It's okay.
That's compassion.
I see that I showed up in a way that was really trying to keep me from feeling hurt,
But in the long-term,
It created more.
It's going to be okay.
This is a big thing.
It's something that we have to have.
It's something that if you're seeing yourself right now in this conversation,
You simply just say,
You know what,
I am ready to move forward.
Many times I ask women to step outside of themselves and offer words of praise that is geared at the traits that they possess,
Right?
So people please themselves,
Essentially.
You know,
It helps us see our own value too,
And it is something that is extremely uncomfortable if you have been doing this for everyone else and you've not turned that intention and attention inward,
It can be really,
Really kind of earth shaking for our emotional body.
And our mental process takes a bit of time to catch up,
But it really does help us see our value.
It helps us understand that we too have needs to fulfill,
That we can offer ourselves compassion,
Love,
And grace,
And we can do for us in a way that serves us in the same manner that we've been doing for so long for other people.
And what's so beautiful about that process is when we continue to look at that cycle of attachment and our cycle of our emotions and how we're showing up,
We begin to create our own personal trust.
This is big,
Right?
And so if we can't meet our own needs,
Somewhere in that cycle is getting disrupted.
And when we start doing it,
The cycle is completed.
We stop looking outside of ourselves.
With compassion,
We are able to say,
What do I need?
What do I need and want mentally,
Emotionally,
Physically,
And spiritually?
And we get to that underlying reason why we always feel like we have to help others,
But not ourselves.
This is a big,
Big process.
It is not an easy process,
But it's one that we absolutely must take.
And once we take it,
We can start examining whether something is triggering you into your helpful behavior,
Or if it has been a developed habit from long ago,
Right?
That's getting into the why.
I will fully admit that for years,
Before I was in this space,
Before I was working with others,
Before I took my own personal journey,
I found myself really engaging in a space that I always tried to rescue people.
Especially people that I felt like they couldn't do it themselves,
Or that they just needed some help.
I was always willing to step in and do that work for them,
Or try to guide them into something better.
And when I realized I was doing this,
Often at the expense of myself and my goals,
I realized there was something missing from my childhood that I had carried over into my adulthood.
It was like I took that saying,
Be the person you needed when you were growing up,
And went to the next level.
And many people do,
And sometimes we fall on the cross of that service.
The thing is,
We don't wanna become martyrs.
We don't wanna die at the feet of our past needs.
We don't wanna get into a space that we are continually creating our own trouble.
From here,
We have to realize that people pleasers are likely living from a space of reaction and habit,
Not full mindfulness,
Not being present,
Not even aware.
And you and I both know that in order to break a habit,
We have to learn to pause.
We have to learn to stop,
Listen to our gut,
Reflect on our needs,
And then respond in every situation with our mind,
Our heart,
And our eyes wide open.
There has to be alignment.
There has to be connection.
We don't have to say yes to everything.
And really,
That is one of the very first full stops that we put in place when we talk about people pleasing.
You know,
We begin to evaluate,
Do I really wanna do this?
People pleasers are the queen of yeses,
But we have to remember that every yes is also a no.
So if you are the people pleaser,
You start right here.
You start by putting in some personal boundaries,
Some promises to the self,
And we begin to ask ourselves some deep questions,
Some questions that really take our needs and wants into consideration.
And sometimes they're difficult to ask and to create that pause,
To hold space for ourselves,
But this is where we start.
Once,
You know,
Obviously we have identified that this is the way we're showing up,
We start here by saying,
Do I have time?
Does this serve me?
Does this thing allow me to meet my own needs?
If I show up for you,
Can I show up for me?
Can I accommodate everything that's on my plate while serving this?
Yes,
That's one of my favorite questions.
Can I accommodate what I have on my plate while serving this?
Yes,
And that's what we do.
When we are making a choice,
We're serving the choice.
You know,
Am I responding out of a need that isn't being met by me for me?
That's also a big question.
Am I responding in a way that I am hoping to fulfill a need that I have by serving you?
Huge questions to really ask yourself.
Remember the cycle we've continued to talk about.
If I do this thing,
Will all pieces of that cycle really be met?
Will I have healthy emotion?
Will my need be met?
Will I have gratification?
Will I have self-trust before I have outward trust?
Being mindful is one of the most helpful practices when we are talking about people pleasing.
And then there's this other element of really practicing honesty.
Remember how I said that people pleasers are rejecting their own needs,
Or that maybe someone may view them as a liar,
And that's because they're not being authentic.
So can you stay open and say,
This isn't really me.
This isn't serving my needs.
The purpose of communication is connection,
And connection is only built when true honesty is available in the conversation,
Right?
And true honesty is,
These are my needs,
These are my wants,
This is how I'm showing up.
Ultimately,
Over time,
You lose yourself if you refuse to do these things.
You lose your own judgment.
You lose the feeling of being able to live a healthy and solid life.
So can you reclaim yourself?
Can you claim the past?
Can you make peace with it?
Can you look at the why?
Can you look at the need cycle?
And most importantly,
Can you look at yourself?
Can you?
If you can,
Then you can change the habit.
I've had many people ask,
Okay,
I can do all of those things,
But how do I rewire?
And the rewiring comes by not practicing the habit,
Right?
It's by putting something new in place,
By asking the questions,
By really stopping,
By pausing,
By making the conscious and concerted effort to change how you are showing up.
We rewire by changing the behavior,
And that's really the truth.
Practicing something creates the habit.
And so if we've been practicing people pleasing for a long time,
That's our habit.
Think about where peace comes from,
And that is from showing up for yourself.
It comes from setting boundaries.
It comes from practicing the no.
It comes from not letting guilt be a part of every decision that you make.
It comes from not having the need to create safety because you know that you have already created safety for yourself.
It comes from knowing that you're not in the same place.
That's where peace comes from.
That's where the habit of peace is developed.
And it's the same way.
We can remove this peace and get into meeting the cycle of needs for ourselves all the time.
Most importantly,
And I've given you lots of different ways that you can really aim at change,
But most importantly,
When you're doing the healthy work of healing,
And that's what it is,
The healthy work of healing.
I didn't say the easy work of healing because that's not the truth,
But the healthy healing work,
You have to be kind to yourself and you have to meet yourself where you are.
You don't have to please people all the time.
And you have to really begin to gauge the people that are in your life.
Who do you have around you?
Are the people around you those people who you have conditioned to show up for?
We've shown them,
This is who I am and this is how I'm gonna show up for you.
And that person says,
Thank you so much.
This serves me so well.
I personally had someone in my life that I had really wrapped my arms around and taken care of for so long,
Even though that was really their role to do for me.
And when I let go of that role,
It broke the relationship,
But it's not healthy.
You have to be able to really look at the people and say,
Am I creating a good environment for the relationships to be mutually beneficial?
That's a big question.
Am I showing that I am only gonna show up to a certain extent and that you are responsible for showing up for you and meet me in the middle,
Right?
Meet me right there.
Because so many people are gonna use you up until you decide that you're all used up.
If you never make that decision,
You're always going to get into that place of resentment and fear and upset and asking your questions of why.
Why is it that I always feel used?
Why is it that people take advantage of me?
Why do I keep having relationships with people who only care about themselves?
And that's because that's what you're allowing,
Right?
One of my relationship mottos is,
If I find myself having to protect my peace,
We are not in alignment.
This is not a healthy relationship.
I'm gonna say that again.
If I find myself having to protect my peace,
We are not in alignment.
This is not a healthy relationship.
You have to be persistent with yourself and realize that you have to feel your feelings,
Meet your needs,
And even if it's hard as hell,
That you're gonna continue to show up for yourself before you give those beautiful pieces of yourself outward.
I'm first,
Then you.
I can't pour from that empty cup.
Lastly,
I have to say this because it's so important and I really want you to walk away with this understanding that there's just some work,
There's some traumas that simply cannot be processed alone.
Your mental health,
Your psychological health,
Emotional wellbeing,
And social wellbeing is impacted by every decision you make,
Including the ones that you decide not to make,
And especially the ones where you decide that you're not gonna do the work to heal or to clean up the past responses that you have really used against yourself and long expired.
It's like eating poison for a really long time and then wondering why you are sick.
And maybe you're saying,
Come on,
Danielle,
It's really not that serious.
And I'm saying to you,
It is.
This can break you.
So if you need help changing the pattern,
Getting into a space that you don't need to find your worth by pleasing others,
Go to someone who can help you.
There is absolutely no shame in that.
If you're struggling to understand why,
Or you're really getting caught in working through the why,
Find a therapist,
Find techniques that align to your willingness to shift the habit,
Pay attention to the bad feelings,
Work with a life coach you have connected with that has trauma-informed training.
Don't worry about being selfish,
Get to work.
Worry more about honoring your needs,
Less about what's going to impact other people,
Worry about pleasing yourself and get to the work.
You do not wanna spend your life really meeting the needs of everyone else.
If you find yourself people pleasing in these moments where you've been working and doing the hard work,
You must stop and ask,
What need am I seeking to meet for someone else that I'm unwilling to meet for myself?
Perhaps that's the biggest takeaway,
That question.
No,
What need am I trying to fulfill for me?
Where is my trust?
Where are my emotions?
Where is my gratification?
What are my needs?
We can people please our life away,
But I promise that's exactly what you're doing.
You're people pleasing your life away.
If you wanna get your life together,
You have to get serious about what you need,
Want,
How you wanna feel,
And work to shift these behaviors that you set in place so long ago.
In fact,
I'm going to dare you,
Right?
Triple dog dare you even,
To be brave enough to do the work.
Be brave enough to step into your life.
Be brave enough to offer yourself compassion.
Say to yourself,
Hey brain,
Hey heart,
I know that you have been trying to keep me safe and that we developed some habits so long ago that no longer serve us,
And I'm gonna let you go now.
I'm gonna look at you,
See you,
And say,
Thank you for protecting me in the time that I needed it,
But that time has expired.
Let go.
Be brave enough to do the work.
Don't you deserve to feel your best?
Don't you deserve to see yourself and fulfill yourself in a way that you have been doing for so long for so many people?
Don't you feel that it's time to offer yourself the ability to feel as blessed as you make other people feel?
Don't you feel like it's time to show up for you?
Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,
Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.
Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Inside Timer for more courses,
Meditations,
And additional conversations.
Until next time,
Be kind to yourself and others.
