How To Cultivate Self-Tenderness

Self-love can feel like a huge mountain to climb for some which is why starting with gentleness and the simple words and NLP phrases mentioned in this short talk to work with the unconscious mind can help. It's not about perfection, it's about connection.

Transcript

Now often when it comes to self-care and self-love, There's this tendency to look at it as if we need to get it perfect, That we need to be loving to ourselves all the time, That we need to do everything perfectly, That we need to have a wonderful self-care routine or practice every single day and we place a lot of pressure on ourselves. This is what I've noticed like through my own journey with this and also with clients, Like noticing clients and students sometimes there's this tendency to view things as if we need to do that like that all the time or that it's some destination to get to and when we get there we're like that all the time and this is not the case. This is the thing in life, It's all about balance, It's this constant remembering, Returning, Remembering, Remembering, Like there may be times where we forget and then we remember. There may be times where we do things completely imperfectly and then we remember, We come back. Bring this gentleness, This tenderness, Tenderness is this present, Loving present energy, This tenderness. It's like oh I'm doing things completely rubbish today and that's okay. I'm doing things completely imperfectly today and that's okay. I'm doing things not how I expected to do things or not how my mind wanted to do things and that's okay. Adding and that's okay onto the end can be really useful in the beginning to help ourselves have a little more grace and tenderness towards ourselves and just be accepting of what is in the moment. It's like oh I've forgotten to do the practice or I've forgotten to do meditation or I've forgotten to go for a walk or I've forgotten whatever it is and that's okay. Just for that moment, Just be with what is and then notice okay what do you want to continue from now on? What do you choose to prioritize from now on? What do you choose the value from now on? What's important? Like what results do you want out of this? Because the more we can bring this loving tenderness to ourselves, The more we're able to show up with this loving tenderness to other people as well. The more we feel good in ourselves so we feel we have a greater sense of self-worth, Confidence, Our sense of well-being goes up, The more we're bringing this tenderness to ourselves. It can have a direct impact on our relationships, On our career, On our work, On our health, Well-being, All areas. This is why self-love and self-care is so important and if self-love feels like such a massive thing so far away that's like oh I have no idea how I'm going to love myself, Sometimes it can feel so far away that the first step is simply just bring this acceptance to where things are currently like I said and that's okay. We don't need to go from zero to a hundred straight away. First perhaps let's just begin with tolerance like sometimes self-love can be such a massive thing that people can't even comprehend how they can love themselves. First start with tolerance. How can I tolerate myself a little bit more? How can I be a little more accepting of myself? Just bring that tenderness and you can get creative with this. There are so many different ways that we can care for ourselves, That we can show a little bit more love, Loving presence and tenderness with ourselves. Again this is not about perfection, This is not about getting to this ultimate end point where we're always loving ourselves, Always feeling good and we stay like that forever. No, Life has these constant ups and downs. There may be moments where we feel good, Moments where we don't feel so good. It's all about returning back to the heart. How can I bring a little more tenderness to myself right now? How can I bring a little bit more loving presence to myself right now? Through actions, Through the words that we use, Through saying no, Times where we really want to say no rather than just people-pleasing. There are so many different ways. So just pick one way, One aspect where you think okay I could increase that a little bit more or I could explore that a little bit more. How to bring some loving tenderness to yourself and notice what shifts as you do that. How do you feel different? How do you interact differently with other people? How do you feel differently about life when you do this? The most important thing is the intention. What's the intention? What's the energy behind the actions? Because we can give ourselves a massage, We can have a bubble bath, We can cook ourselves a nice meal but we can go about it really grumpily, Moodily, Feeling rubbish about ourselves, Complaining negatively or we can do it with love and have that intention to really open up to being a little bit more tender with ourselves. Opening up to receiving, Being present, Connecting to that present moment. This is a huge topic and again it's not about perfection, Simply just being with what is and simply just noticing bad habits or things that we don't like about ourselves and saying to ourselves and that's okay, Right now that's okay. That can be one of the most loving things that we do and it can be something really small, Perhaps when you wake up in the morning you say to yourself I'm here or when you look at yourself in the mirror you say to yourself I see you or when you notice an unhelpful habit popping up you say to yourself and that's okay. I can choose to make a difference, I can create change yet right now I'm just choosing to accept what is. Often when we bring a more loving awareness to ourselves then we don't feel called to carry out those unhelpful habits anyway because often those unhelpful habits are stemmed from a lack of connection, A lack of love on some level. So the more love we bring to ourselves, The more tenderness we bring to ourselves, The more connection we create with ourselves, The less those unhelpful habits will carry out also. The inner critic can have a field day with all of this, Sometimes the inner critic is there saying oh I should do this, I should do that, I have to do it like this, I must do it like this, I need to do this or you're like this, You're like that, I am this, I am that, However we talk to ourselves. There's one really simple technique in NLP, The de-identification pattern and it helps us to break away from any limiting beliefs about ourselves in terms of the I am statements. So for example I am rubbish, I am not worthy, I am ugly, I am stupid, Whatever that I am statement is from the inner critic, We simply ask ourselves afterwards is that all that I really am? Aren't I more than that? What am I that's not ugly? Well what's not stupid? And it just helps us to switch the focus and look at what else we are because often when we're seeing things through a limited lens, We're only looking at one thing and we're forgetting the bigger picture, That actually at our very core we are so expansive, We are limitless, We are so expansive that the human mind cannot even comprehend how immense we are. We are this life energy that's moving through us, We at our very core are this life energy that's animating our personality, We are not just our personality, We are not just our physical body, We are what is animating that. So bringing the focus back to that can help us see ourselves through another lens and create even more self-love and self-care. Simply recognizing that we are on this sometimes what seems like a very crazy planet and there are so many challenges and things that we're navigating not only personally but also globally, To simply just be here on the planet during this time takes such a courageous soul. So noticing that, That you're still here, You're still standing, You're still here on this planet walking this path with so many others, You are such a courageous soul and you're walking with so many others, We're all in this together. Seeing it from that perspective can help us have a little more tenderness towards ourselves and think gosh wow I'm actually a lot more resilient, I'm actually a lot stronger, I'm actually a lot braver and more courageous than perhaps I first thought. So how are you going to show self-love and care to yourself today? How are you going to bring in a little more tenderness to yourself today?