Forgiveness & Its Two Necessary Ingredients

Forgiveness -- either offering it or receiving it -- is a life-changing and life-giving phenomenon. But it isn't always easy. Sometimes we apologize with an expectation of immediate forgiveness. Sometimes, we tell another we forgive them, but still hold a grudge. This meditation is a practice in forgiveness. Whether it translates to action is up to you, but here you will experience the sensation.

Transcript

Hi, I'm Greg and thanks for joining for this practice. Relationships are one of the five pillars of a flourishing life. The other four pillars are positive emotion or happiness, Engagement or flow, Meaning or purpose, And achievement or success. But healthy relationships depend on mutuality, Trust, Shared experiences, And forgiveness. It's inevitable that in a relationship there will be injury from one party to another. That's part of it. The other part then is to seek reparation in the wake of injury, To seek forgiveness. Every relationship needs to be repaired once in a while or even frequently. So I'm going to go for a walk and I'm going to lead us through a practice of envisioning forgiveness. So why don't you get what you need to come with me on this walk or stay put where you are. And let's consider forgiveness. I'm walking on the traditional territory of the Lekwungen speaking peoples, The Esquimalt and the Songhees. And I offer gratitude for their stewardship of this land. I believe that it's universally true that each of us needs more forgiveness in our lives. This is a combination of forgiveness we need to receive and forgiveness we need to offer. Forgiveness depends on two things. Forgiveness depends on accountability, So knowing that the action won't happen again. And it depends on context. There has to be a shared understanding of the context in which the harm happened. In the case of a crime, It's important for the survivor of the crime or the surviving family of the victim to understand the context in which the crime happened. That doesn't necessarily make it any easier. But if there is to be forgiveness, And in every situation that is the objective, Some kind of forgiveness, If there is to be forgiveness, Then there has to be accountability, Knowing it's not going to happen again, And an understanding of the context. So let's consider an example. This will be an example that is yours and yours alone. What's the situation that you found yourself in, Causing harm in one way or another to somebody else? Is there something you said that was hurtful? Is there something you did that was hurtful? Did you make a mistake that had consequences that affected somebody else? Be with that situation for a few moments. Remember what it felt like for you. Remember or imagine the expression on the other person's face. Consider what that expression might mean. Remember if you can, How they responded to the harm. Sometimes the response itself is worthy of forgiveness, But we'll not worry about that for now. Recall the response. Be present with all of those feelings for a few moments. Now consider the context in which the harm happened. What was going on for you? What led you to cause this harm? Was there distress in your life? Had you experienced harm? What stressors were active in your life at the time? Let's shift to accountability. What have you done to ensure that the harm will not happen again? Have you corrected your behaviour or your speech? Have you found a new way of doing things that is less harmful? Is there something about circumstances that have changed such that that harm won't happen again? Now, Imagine yourself asking for forgiveness. What would you say? What posture would you hold? How could you communicate sincerity as you ask for forgiveness? Now imagine receiving forgiveness. What changes in your body when you imagine yourself receiving forgiveness? Now let's consider another situation. This time you're the one who has been harmed somehow. You're the one who is physically or emotionally or spiritually injured by the actions or words of another person. Pay attention to your emotions as you remember that situation. Consider the context. What was going on when this person harmed you, However that harm happened? What was going on in your life? Where were you? How old were you? Who were the people around you? And what was going on in their life? How old were they? Where were they? Who was around them? What stressors were present, As far as you know, In their life and as far as you remember in your life? What were the stressors? If you can imagine or guess, What would have been going on in that person's life that led them to cause you harm? Now imagine them assuring you that it's not going to happen again. What would you need to hear to be confident that in fact that harm won't repeat? Now imagine yourself offering forgiveness to the other person. How do you feel as you imagine this? What look do you imagine on their face? And what do you suspect that look implies? Notice what's happening in your body as you offer forgiveness. Shifting focus from individual injury to collective injury. What are the harms that have happened by which you have somehow indirectly benefited? What forgiveness would allow for a reconciled or repaired relationship between you as the benefactor and the injured party or parties? Now imagine yourself receiving that forgiveness. Notice how your body responds when you imagine yourself receiving forgiveness. When there is harm and there is not forgiveness, The relationship cannot repair. The damage becomes permanent until the forgiveness can flow. And the forgiveness can't be full or genuine unless there is accountability and until the context is fully understood. Simply going about seeking forgiveness, Such as by offering an apology, Is hard work. It takes humility, Vulnerability, Honesty, Honesty with oneself to acknowledge the harm. And we have to offer an apology without expecting forgiveness, Even though that is always the desired end result. Forgiveness cannot be rushed if it is to be genuine. In this practice you've considered specific circumstances and maybe there's an invitation to address those. Or maybe the invitation is to address different circumstances. Just for you to discern. I follow a Christian tradition which teaches forgiveness is always available. It's like the ether in which we exist is an ether of forgiveness. It swirls around. Sometimes we have to accept it and forgive ourselves. Sometimes we have to appreciate it and forgive others. Sometimes we have to depend on it as we ask for forgiveness of others. You are forgiven. You are beloved. May you know flourishing relationships for a flourishing life. Until next time, I'm Greg. Peace.