And I want to talk to you about uncertainty.
Do you think that's part of what makes life so stressful these days?
That so much is up in the air?
And the worst of it is when what we're uncertain about.
Is whether we'll be okay,
Whether we'll have a job,
Whether we'll be safe.
Whether we have ground under our feet.
That kind of uncertainty can lead to an anxious part of us getting so panicked that it says terrible things to us like,
You're worthless or you're a failure.
And even worse,
We believe what it tells us.
But this can change.
And even in the midst of uncertainty.
We can grow our ability to be calm and peaceful and in balance.
So as an example of that.
I want to tell you the story of my student Peter.
Peter was job hunting.
And his job hunting process was taking longer than he'd hoped.
And with every week and month that went by with no job offer,
Peter's stress and sense of uncertainty increased.
And his sense of self-worth suffered.
As the lack of an offer coming through after an interview would trigger his feelings of abandonment,
Rejection,
And worthlessness.
It was a big struggle for him to keep at the job search,
Despite a depressed,
Anxious mood and a feeling of being lost.
Useless Well,
Peter learned from me how to recognize the triggered feelings and turn toward them instead of getting taken over by them.
He learned how to say.
Something in me is getting triggered.
And I can say hello to that.
And I am okay.
And that really helped.
At least he could keep going in the job search.
Will Peter also learn how to turn toward that inner critical voice?
He discovered when scary circumstances triggered his anxious feelings,
A part of him would show up that attacked his very worth as a person.
I mean.
.
.
You know how an unsuccessful job search can be so challenging to a person's sense of worth.
But maybe you thought,
That's just how it is,
There's nothing you can do about it except Chin up and find a job.
When actually.
There is something you can do.
Even before the job shows up.
Or so Peter.
Began to practice turning toward his inner critic.
And compassionately asking it.
Might you be worried about something?
Sometimes nothing would happen when he said that.
But sometime.
I feel a shift.
In his relationship with that critical voice.
It began to relax.
And show him that yes,
It was feeling worried.
Which was a whole lot easier to hear than,
You are worthless.
He started to feel a real difference in how he felt generally in the day-to-day.
He felt lighter.
He even felt breezy.
He felt hopeful.
He found himself taking joy in small things,
Like going to a cafe for breakfast and sitting in the sun.
And this was still but no job in sight.
But then Peter did get a job offer.
He was all set to start the following Monday.
And then on Monday morning,
He got a call saying he had to delay his start by two weeks.
And that's when the trigger happened.
He felt hot.
He had a familiar void in his chest.
He felt a familiar emptiness in his stomach.
He was being rejected.
He wasn't important.
It was all a waste.
So,
Here's what Peter did.
And I'm going to break it down into three steps.
So you can try it yourself as well.
One.
He recognized.
That anxious,
Critical feelings had gotten triggered.
And he turned toward that part of him by saying,
Something in me is saying,
I'm useless and empty and it's all a waste.
2.
He said to that part of him,
That he understood it must be worried and trying to protect.
I hear you must be worried about me and trying to protect me.
And three.
He felt his own strong,
Calm self.
That isn't the same as those triggered feelings.
And he rested in that sense of lightness and inner strength.
It's so clear that it isn't our outer circumstances that cause our feelings.
You don't have to feel useless and worthless.
Just because your job search hasn't succeeded.
And we don't have to feel rejected and alone just because our friend went to spend the weekend with someone else.
Our feelings are real.
They are legitimate.
And they have something important to tell us.
But they are not cause.
Solely by our circumstances.
We're not doomed.
To always have those feelings when those things happen.
That's such good news!
By turning toward what we feel and saying,
Something in me feels so-and-so,
We're already getting bigger than our feelings.
They're still there.
We can still explore them.
We're not at all getting rid of our feelings,
But we aren't taken over by them.
And when those feelings are the painful messages of you're worthless and useless and no good sent by an inner critic,
We're not doomed to feel that way either.
Inner critic is an anxious,
Scared part of us.
That's saying those things because of how scared it is.
And that can change,
Too.
What were those three steps again?
1.
Recognize when anxious critical feelings have gotten triggered.
And turn toward that part of you by saying,
Something in me is saying I'm useless or worthless or whatever it is that it's saying.
Two,
Let that part of you know.
That you understand it must be worried and trying to protect you.
Like I hear,
You must be worried about me and trying to protect me.
And three.
Take time to feel your own strong,
Calm self.
That isn't the same as those triggered feelings.
And isn't the same as that worried,
Critical part of you.
It's so much easier to do the tough things we have to do and to deal with the uncertainty in this world when we feel calm and spacious and bigger than our challenging feelings.
I love this.
I want to share one more thing from Peter's story.
A long job search can be so hard on a family as well.
And Peter's teenage daughters had felt his distance from them when he was taken over by hard and self-critical feelings.
And after all that shifted,
Peter was able to enjoy spending time with his daughters again.
And one of them said to him last week,
It's so nice to have my dad back.
Mm,
I do.
Okay,
So here's to you!
Having a more peaceful life.
