So welcome everyone and thank you.
Thank you for listening.
So let me paint a picture.
Someone you care about sends you a text.
And it is much shorter than usual.
No emoji,
Just the words.
And immediately your brain starts,
Why no emoji?
There is always an emoji.
What does this mean?
Are they angry?
Did I do something?
Was it that thing I said last week?
If it was,
What did I do?
How do I fix this?
They've been thinking about this the whole time.
They hate me.
And the relationship is over.
And all of this happens in approximately 4 seconds.
Now if this sounds familiar.
.
.
If you have ever spiralled into certainty that someone is rejecting you based on punctuation,
Tone of voice,
Or the fact that they did not laugh at your joke quite as much as usual,
Welcome.
You are in very good company.
And I want to talk to you today about what may actually be happening.
Why your nervous system does this?
And what might actually help you.
Because I promise you,
Analyzing the text for another three hours is not the answer.
I know I have tried it and it does not work.
So here is what is happening in your nervous system when you feel that sting of almost rejection.
Your brain has a threat detection system and it is constantly scanning for danger.
Running in the background below conscious awareness assessing everything all the time For most people,
This system is calibrated to notice actual threats.
Speeding cars,
Angry faces,
Things that are actually dangerous.
But some of us have a thread detection system.
Let's just say.
.
.
Which is very enthusiastic.
So our system Do not just notice the speeding car.
Our system would also notice the slight pause before someone answered your question.
The fact that our friend looked at their phone while we were talking.
The way our boss said good morning today compared to how they said it yesterday.
Now here is the thing.
To your nervous system.
Social threat feels just as dangerous as a physical threat.
We are social creatures,
And for most of human history,
Being rejected by the group meant death.
And your brain has not updated its software since then.
So when your system detects potential rejection,
Every tiny,
Ambiguous,
Probably not real rejection,
It hits the alarm button.
Full alert,
Danger,
They do not like you,
And you're about to be abandoned.
The pain that you feel is real.
Now studies show that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain.
So you are not being dramatic.
Your brain is literally experiencing an injury.
The problem is not that you feel the pain.
The problem is that your threat detector is so sensitive,
It goes off even when nothing is actually happening.
Now there is a term in nervous system science for this and it's called neuroception.
It is just like perception,
But it happens below conscious awareness.
Your body is constantly picking up on cues,
Facial expressions,
Tone of voice,
Body language,
The energy of a room,
And making split-second assessments,
Safe or unsafe,
Friend or threat.
And the thing about neuroception is,
It is not always accurate.
Because it is based on patterns matching your past experiences.
If you learned early on that people leave,
Love is conditional,
You have to be perfect to be accepted.
Your neuroception got calibrated to a dangerous social world.
It learned to be vigilant,
To scan for the earliest possible sign of rejection so you could brace yourself,
Protect yourself and maybe prevent it.
Which is how you end up spending 45 minutes analyzing whether someone's LOL was genuine or passive-aggressive.
Your nervous system is not broken.
It is not being ridiculous.
It is doing exactly what it learned to do.
Protect you from a pain that felt unbearable.
Now the problem is,
It is working from old information.
The threat level it perceives rarely matches the actual situation.
So you're bringing a fire extinguisher to a candle which may be an overreaction.
Or may not.
Now when your threat detector goes off,
Something interesting happens.
Your brain immediately starts constructing a story to explain the alarm.
It must be because of what I said.
They probably think I am annoying.
I always do this.
No one actually likes me.
Now these stories feel absolutely true in that moment.
Your brain presents them with total confidence.
This is what is happening.
This is what they think of you.
But here is the thing.
The story comes after the alarm.
Your nervous system goes into the threat mode first,
And then your brain scrambles to explain why.
So the story is not evidence,
It's an interpretation,
It's a guess.
Your brain is doing its best to make sense of why you suddenly feel terrible.
And the stories we tell when our threat system is activated are almost always worst case scenarios.
That is by design.
Your alarm system is not interested in balanced perspectives.
It is interested in keeping you safe by assuming the worst.
This is why in the middle of a rejection spiral,
No one has ever thought.
They probably just forgot about the emoji.
I am sure everything is fine.
They are busy and I am a normal amount of important in their life.
No,
It is always this is the end of everything and also I am fundamentally unlovable.
The brain is very dramatic when it is scared.
So what can you do now?
When the rejection alarm goes off.
I'll tell you first what does not work.
What does not help is trying to think your way out of it.
Analyzing the evidence,
Constructing arguments for why you are not actually being rejected.
Your thinking brain is offline when your threat system is activated.
You cannot logic your way out of a nervous system response.
It doesn't work.
What also does not help is seeking reassurance compulsively.
It feels like if they would just tell you everything is fine,
You would feel better.
But the relief lasts about 11 minutes before doubt creeps back in.
And that is because the problem is not lack of information.
The problem is an overactive alarm system.
What actually helps?
Coming back to your body.
When the alarm goes off,
You leave your body and you go up into your head,
Into the stories,
Into the analysis.
And the solution here is to come back down.
Feel your feet.
Feel your weight.
Take a breath that actually reaches your belly.
And these simple actions tell your nervous system,
We are here.
We are in the present and right now,
In this actual moment,
We are safe.
Another thing that helps here is naming what is happening.
Instead of I know they hate me just try this next time you notice this simply acknowledging my rejection alarm is going off This is my nervous system,
Not necessarily reality.
And this creates a tiny bit of space between you and the story in your head.
Compassion also helps.
Speaking to yourself.
The way you would speak to a friend who was hurting.
I know this feels terrible.
Your brain is doing its protection thing again.
It makes sense that this hurts.
You're going to be okay.
And you are going to be okay.
I want to invite you into a guided somatic practice.
This is for when the rejection alarm has gone off.
Or for right now,
To build your capacity to be with these feelings when they arise.
Find a comfortable position.
Sitting up,
Lying down.
If it feels okay,
You can either soften your gaze.
Let your eyes close.
Or keep them open,
Whatever works for you.
Now start by just acknowledging what is present.
If there is pain here.
The sting of feeling rejected.
The fear of being left.
The ache of not being enough.
Let it be here.
You do not have to fix it.
You do not have to figure out if it is justified.
Just acknowledge it.
There is pain here.
There is pain here.
That has been here.
And that's okay.
Now bring your attention to your body.
When the rejection alarm goes off,
It often shows up physically.
Maybe it's a tightness in your chest.
A dropping in your stomach,
A heat in your face,
Or a closing of the throat.
Where do you feel it?
Just notice it.
You do not have to make it go away.
Just be with it.
Like sitting beside a friend who's hurting.
Now feel your feet.
Feel them pressing against the floor.
Or resting on a surface.
Now feel the weight of your body.
Feel gravity holding you.
And feel how you're supported by whatever is beneath you.
This is here.
This is now.
In this moment.
You're okay.
If it feels right now.
Place the hand on your heart.
Or both hands.
Just resting there.
Feel the warmth of your hand.
Feel your heartbeat underneath.
This heart that feels so much.
This heart that cares so deeply about being loved.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved.
There is nothing wrong with fearing rejection.
You are human.
Connection matters to you.
That is not weakness.
That is being alive.
Now I am going to offer you some words.
You do not have to believe them.
Just let them learn if they can.
I know this hurts.
My alarm is loud,
But that does not mean the danger is real.
I can feel scared and still be safe.
Even if this person did reject me,
I would survive.
I would be okay.
I am allowed to take up space.
I am allowed to be imperfect.
I am allowed to be loved anyway.
I am allowed to take up space.
I am allowed to be imperfect.
I am allowed to be loved,
Anyway.
Take a few more breaths here.
Let your body soften where it can.
Let your shoulders drop.
And let your jaw unclench.
You do not have to solve anything right now.
You have to just be here with yourself,
With kindness.
Whenever you're ready now.
Start to bring your attention back.
Feel the room,
Hear the sounds,
Wiggle your fingers and gently let your eyes open.
And welcome back.
So that is what is happening when you spiral over a text message or a tone of voice or a silence that lasts a bit too long.
Your nervous system has a very sensitive alarm.
It is trying to protect you.
It is just a bit much sometimes.
You're not crazy,
You're not too sensitive,
You're not uniquely broken in your inability to just chill out about social stuff.
You have a nervous system that learned to watch for rejection very carefully and now it sees it everywhere,
Even in places it doesn't exist.
So this practice is not to stop the alarm from going off.
That is probably not possible.
The practice is to recognize when it happens,
To name it,
And to come back to your body.
To separate the alarm from the story,
To offer yourself kindness instead of just more evidence gathering.
And maybe over time,
The alarm gets a little less loud,
The recovery gets a little faster,
And you learn that you can feel the pain of almost rejection without drowning in it.
You are allowed to want to be loved.
You are allowed to be hurt when you think you are not.
And you are allowed to be wrong about what other people think of you.
In fact,
You are probably wrong about what other people think of you right now.
Because they are probably just thinking about themselves.
Just like you are.
Go gently,
Be kind to your sensitive heart and maybe put down that phone for a bit.
Thank you very much for joining me today and Namaste.
