From a strictly evolutionary perspective,
Humans are social creatures who have survived as a species by forming groups for safety,
Food,
And cooperation.
But from a psychological standpoint,
Despite our brains being hardwired for connection,
Trauma rewires us for protection.
This leaves many of us simultaneously desperate to belong,
Yet feeling isolated and lonely.
So,
What do we do?
Some people go through a phase or an entire lifetime pretending to be something they are not,
In an attempt to appease their need for connection and inclusion.
I never thought I would need to share details of my adolescent goth stage in order to illustrate a point,
But here we go.
On the outside,
I looked the part,
With black nail polish and eyeliner,
Listening to The Cure,
But I was a fraud,
Secretly listening to R&B and hip-hop when my friends weren't around.
And since nothing makes us feel more alone than our secrets,
If we lie about who we are in order to be liked,
While we fulfill our need for acceptance,
We sacrifice our greater need for authenticity.
It's like drinking poison just because you are thirsty,
Or setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Buddhism acknowledges the importance of community as biologically necessary and even essential for our well-being.
That's why the Sangha is the third jewel.
But the Buddha did warn us of the ego's tendency to take it a step too far and tie our individual identity to a group mentality.
That's why those who experienced rejection or abandonment in childhood are more susceptible to becoming the perfect targets for cults,
Gangs,
And extremist groups as they mature.
Once we understand this,
We can shift from judging others to extending everyone some compassion,
Empathy,
And grace.
You see,
The ego has a desire to matter,
To be accepted and even celebrated,
Which is where anxiety,
Comparison,
And insecurities come in.
Integrity is too high of a price to pay in order to meet the ego's need for validation,
While the Buddha within doesn't need or reach for anything I know this is confusing because our need to belong is natural,
Healthy,
And necessary,
But the craving for acceptance is egocentric,
Fragile,
And unstable.
That's why many of us feel stuck between wanting connection,
But resenting social convention pressuring us to conform in order to belong.
The key to balancing our need for connection while avoiding slippery slope of getting our identity either attached or completely lost,
Is to still relate to others through empathy,
But to never gauge our sense of worth based on any community or society accepting us in return.
In hindsight,
I didn't really need those piercings and to dye my hair blue in order to enjoy the Lollapalooza concerts in the early 90s,
It was just my ego trying to fit in.
You see,
I made the mistake of thinking that to truly belong to a group,
They would need to accept me as one of their own.
But since I can't control other people's opinion of me,
I was wrong to think that belonging wasn't up to me,
Regardless of what I wear or if I dye my hair.
Now,
I realize that belonging isn't up to anyone else either,
Because without even trying,
We all already belong.
We are interconnected.
Of course,
Some groups won't accept you with open arms,
And their rejection is going to sting,
But that pain is just a bruised ego.
Rejection does not negate anyone's inherent belonging and self-worth.
I have dual citizenship,
For example,
Yet some Americans don't consider me equally American because I wasn't born in the U.
S.
This would only be a problem if I craved their acceptance and approval,
But believe me,
Identifying as American is at the bottom of my list of concerns.
Like the song by Alanis Morissette,
Who is technically Canadian,
I am a citizen of the planet and my president is Guanyin,
Who is the goddess of compassion,
Mercy,
And kindness.
What I'm saying is that you are worthy whether you are included or excluded because your worth is not contingent on anyone else.
It is predetermined.
The Buddha's realization was that he wasn't even separate from the tree under which he was meditating.
They were one.
All are,
And empathy is our greatest strength,
Not weakness.
My invitation is for us to bring that level of awareness into every interaction,
And to see everyone and everything as an extension of ourselves.
You don't need to prove your worth,
And you certainly don't need to pretend to be something you are not in order to belong.
Simply shift your perspective from me to we,
And let people come up with their own conclusion about you because they are going to do that anyway.
Those who accept you superficially don't matter,
While those who matter accept you unconditionally.
The real question is,
Do you accept yourself?
At the end of the day,
We are one big dysfunctional family,
And I love being your brother.
