Learning From The Classics Podcast: Stoic Gratitude

This track is a recording of my weekly LIVE PODCAST, Learning from the Classics, dated May 23rd 2025.

In this LIVE session, I will relate prompts from Classic Literature to the challenges we face every day. There is a certain sense of security in understanding that some struggles are universal and not personal to us. In such novels, there is also a reconciliation to be had with souls we cannot and will not ever meet, but who teach us so much.

All LIVES are available week to week on a playlist.

Transcript

Okay so just to recap today the old staple pride and prejudice and marcus aurelius meditations stoic philosophy what i do is i pick to pieces these classic novels that i read for you pride and prejudice it is on one of my playlists and you can see hi margaret you can see that there are i think 60 or it might be 61 episodes of pride and prejudice to absorb it's a huge undertaking it was even more of a huge undertaking to read it and guess what i every single word so if you haven't listened oh my gosh you're missing something check it out so we're looking today at stoic principles we are continuing the theme of gratitude because i think it's so it's fundamental to our well-being gratitude and we're looking at how we avoid that yearning for what might be ours and that fear of what might be taken away so it's all very well saying gratitude well that's just be being grateful for what we've got yes but there are so many different it's a nuanced idea isn't it the idea of gratitude there are many different ways to be grateful and that's what we're going to look at we're going to look at elizabeth bennett today and we are going to use her as a female um starting point as to a great way to practice gratitude a great way sorry to approach gratitude um directly but not stereotypically is the best way i can put it so i'm going to go into my notes now i will not see any comments and i'm going to dive straight in so here we go right jane austen says there is so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment that it's not safe to leave any to itself this quote from prime prejudice points to the nuanced nature of gratitude suggesting it can be interwoven with vanity and other emotions what does that mean that means if we exhibit gratitude and we experience other people being grateful there are many different places they are coming to um they're coming from in order to do that it's not always um altruistic it's not always objective many times it has a purpose okay and in a novel like pride and prejudice the whole point jane austen is making is social convention dictates we say certain things and the intention behind them the reason we have said those things is not always completely virtuous and it is for us to uh it is for us to be aware of that be mindful of that and also be mindful of where we are coming to sorry where we are coming from when we practice gratitude okay okay so as stoics we practice self-reliance but this idea of cultivating a habit of gratitude giving continuous thanks for everything it's at odds with what's actually happening today how much time do we spend every day considering the myriad of people and experiences that have contributed to our own advancement let alone in giving thanks for them and that is both positive and negative you can be thankful grateful for the negative if it has kick-started you into something to be grateful for it's difficult to do we're constantly focused on our own obstacles and difficulties we are constantly focused on achieving what we are pursuing but when we think about the stoic circle of control within our circle of control we have choices we can make about gratitude for things that have happened externally we had no control over we can choose whether to be grateful for those or not okay epictetus said remember to conduct yourself in life as if at a banquet as something being passed around the table comes to you reach out your hand and take a moderate helping does the plate pass you by before you have a chance to take your helping if it does don't stop it has it not yet got to you don't desire it wait until it arrives and he says act this way with children a spouse the position you're in life the wealth you have acquired so as stoics what we're saying is wanting less correlates to increase increased gratitude the less you want the more grateful for what you're what you have you are when you want something too much you are obliterating that gratitude it's hard to do how can we say to ourselves don't want that too much it's self-control it's this going back to the circle of control we have control over our desires we have control over how we manage our wants and needs if we seek to reduce the destructive habit of wanting more then we can find greater inner peace and what i'm saying is not greater happiness because what is happy you can't have happiness without sadness right so we're not about being happy it's about finding inner peace contentment and that is the goal here okay we want less we can be grateful for more all right so let's have a look at um a quote from pride and prejudice we'll go back there's so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment it is not safe to leave any to itself so this is charlotte and if you don't know the story charlotte lucas is a friend of the bennett so we've got the bennett family we've got the five daughters and the mother and the father and they're in a bit of a financial dilemma the way they get out of it in the 18th century is to marry off the daughters and this is a satirical take on how they go about that charlotte lucas is a family friend and she is a friend of the main protagonist elizabeth bennett and elizabeth's sister elder sister jane so charlotte is telling elizabeth jane needs to be more forward about her feelings for bingley she's saying look you know if you do not exhibit some gratitude from the off if he's showing you some attention and you don't look a little bit grateful you're not going to get any more she's saying if bingley feels like jane is not interested he will likely give her up and move on to someone who is more open about their attraction to him so early on she's saying bingley might be encouraged or fueled by a sense of gratitude you should be grateful without that encouragement jane there's not much to grow on getting this early infatuation to move into something more serious requires gratitude and then we have elizabeth's bennett's take so she now bear in mind charlotte is older than her so charlotte is the wise but charlotte has fewer charms and less to offer of that time um society says than jane or elizabeth and elizabeth sitting there listening to this she's thinking what a load of rubbish because elizabeth is the voice of jane austen and jane austen is making a societal comment she is saying guess what i've had enough of these expectations put upon us we should be doing this and we should be doing that she is challenging the acceptable um the voice the acceptable patriarchal voice and in elizabeth's mind she's saying well you know if you encourage somebody beyond and your natural inclination you're being false and calculating jane is naturally shy she doesn't openly flirt she doesn't openly express her emotions in that way she's quite staid she's quite stoic and if charlotte you are saying to jane well you should be a bit more grateful and show him you're grateful and flirt a bit more and give a little giggle every once in a while if that's not jane's character you are asking her to be forced to be calculating and portray her true nature so we go back to the stoic theme of gratitude want less means you're grateful for more elizabeth's actually saying she might be desperate for this match because we know the whole family's financial success is hinged on it but it's not in her nature to be calculating it's not in her nature to manipulate people she's not like her sister lydia and you need to just let her be who she is it's um we don't want her to betray who she truly is so elizabeth's saying it's preferable if both met and perceived each other honestly you start honestly from the beginning of the relationship and i'm inclined to agree with that so to remain true to who we are is essential and this is what elizabeth is essentially true to herself and sometimes it doesn't taste very sweet in the eyes of darcy but so be it that is who she is to practice gratitude is to say i am grateful for what i can control what i can control is my feelings i am grateful for who i am for what i represent and yes i want this relationship i really like this person but that's beyond my control what is within my circle of control is practicing virtue being true to myself so in fact even though jane is painted as a stoic it is elizabeth who is practicing the stoic advice here and this is never more true than when she is proposed to by darcy i thank you again and again for the honor you have done me in your proposals she says but to accept them is absolutely impossible how dare she this is the 18th century love do what you're told this quote is demonstrating how gratitude can be expressed in the face of rejection she is grateful for the honor that he's given her because darcy has been true to himself he has shown her that actually he's in love with her and even though society i can't think of the word societal speaking no socially speaking what's the words there even though socially speaking it's a step down for him he's being true to himself and his feelings and he expresses his feelings for her and she is grateful for that she can express gratitude even in the face of rejection and so can we if something goes wrong as i started off at the beginning of the talk if something goes wrong something is objectionable to you if it facilitates your growth you can still be grateful for that within your circle of control is the is your choice you are able to make the choice to be grateful you can determine that how grateful you are so she acknowledges his gesture thank you i'm grateful for that i'm gonna say no i'm gonna pass but i'm grateful for the fact that you were honest you can be grateful today out of respect but you can still choose to walk away the reason i do these lives the reason i'm outside of insight time i promote stoicism is because women are hardwired to be amenable still now always that's not a bad thing that's a great that's one of our superpowers but there has to be control otherwise we're just going to be pulled every which way to sunday which is what happens to women all the time if we cannot manage our emotions we will be drawn to make decisions we later regret there has to be a balance between the head and the heart there has to be a knowledge one of the stoic principles is wisdom and knowledge of the potential for bad things to happen good things to happen an understanding of how we we will react to that in the future some kind of temperance and understanding of our own value system our own virtues and a quick touching into that you know a quick clocking into that when we make decisions rather than just being able to say i'm going to do this i'm going to do that i'm going to do that i'm so grateful that he proposed to me yes of course i will what elizabeth's saying is well of course i won't because you didn't do it out of love and even though it would get us out of a really sticky fix um that doesn't sit with my value system sorry just because an offer is made you're not obliged to take it accepting a job that we're not sure of when we think it might be let's say for example we have responsibilities as a parent or as a carer it might we might be called upon many times because we've heard the you know the mood in this particular environment is well business comes first family comes second um is at the cost of ourselves it's at the cost of our well-being we must be mindful and go into agreements that we make with our eyes open and we must take the time to do that we must step back and check in with our own value system first this sounds obvious well doesn't everybody do that women do not do that enough and they don't do that enough because they want to be liked and they want people to like them and they want to and they automatically empathize um and it gets to a point you just realize many of the decisions i'm making are at the cost of myself albeit short term or long term within our circle of control is our choice we can choose to prioritize our well-being and adhere to our own value system elizabeth was a great elizabeth bennett is a great example of this and that's why the book is so popular because she represents determination and courage in the face of adversity and they are typically ascribed to qualities typically ascribed to men it is desirable as a man to be courageous to be brave to be fearless and if you're a woman and you do this well firstly it's not necessary for a woman to do this or be this and secondly if you're a woman and you do this well what are you battling against that will be the patriarchal take and what i'm saying is it it needs to be neither or we just need to find a balance so now in the 21st century you we are seeing more of a breaking down of the barriers and i think that's healthy i personally take issue with men wanting to be women or women wanting to be men i think if we embraced our feminine side as men and embraced our masculine side as women we need we we can then choose to love ourselves for who we are okay obviously there's a gray area there and if you're born into something that is is beyond that that's a different story altogether but i'm just talking generally speaking with your average man or woman the idea that you need be something that you're not particularly you know the divine feminine is all powerful the divine masculine is all powerful to combine the two it seems to me is even more powerful to embrace both elements and yet remain identifiable as yourself right to like yourself is so important so important and this is what elizabeth represented she was quite masculine in her approach by the day you know it was very rare for women to do anything but accept do anything but be grateful for to exhibit gratitude just for being noticed and what she's doing here is embracing the masculine in herself and saying you know what there's more to me i am a feminine woman i am a feminine woman she's saying she was a feminine woman very much embracing the divine feminine but it doesn't mean i negate the masculine side of myself and i don't want to be a man that's the point and she didn't want to be a man but she doesn't shut off part of herself because it suits society she embraces that but says okay well there's a balance and that's the beauty of it it's balanced i think that's the trying to get across today okay so a balanced approach to gratitude and of course darcy falls in love with elizabeth without gratitude or encouragement he falls in love with her for her which shows how sincere he is we are complicated some of us more than others and if you meet somebody romantically speaking who is drawn to your complication you can be pretty well assured that's a sincere connection if they've seen you at your worst they've seen you at your best and they're still there so going back to stoic philosophy why is gratitude so important well there are two perspectives we can take gratitude is in part a way of how we see the world around us so two perspectives two world views one i'm not owed anything we've been given the opportunity to experience life to create to think to build relationships and there are many who have less than i have and most of what i would um what i do have would be missed if it were taken away from me so i am experiencing gratitude for what i have every day because i'm acknowledging it that's a gratitude in itself perspective number two worldview number two i deserve more this is prevalent on social media at this time i have a lot of things but i i really would like to expand i need a bigger house a better car more money now it doesn't always have to be financial it can be hedonistic right well i've got one girlfriend i'd like to have two i have one hookup let's have another one okay i go out on a friday night maybe i should go out on a wednesday night too i get jealous when i see other people with things i want and i don't have them why don't i have them i work just as hard as they do it makes me want those things even more there's somebody i know who's you know no more intelligent than me no funnier than me and they've got this podcast and it's really successful and mine isn't why is that two different world views so the first perspective it helps build a mindset of enjoying what we have being grateful for the life we lead building a resilience against feelings of envy entitlement dissatisfaction so within that circle of choice we are saying i am and this is what elizabeth bennett was doing i am grateful for who i am i know it's not the best but i am a daughter of a gentleman i know i don't have the choices that mr darcy has i know i don't have the ability to walk in the grounds that he has because i don't own that and i know when my father dies we will have next to nothing but i am grateful for me who i am my choices my value system and so she has resilience against envy entitlement and dissatisfaction she always rises above it she doesn't get involved in gossiping the nastiness okay of being my sister she avoids it she's too assured of who she is in order to partake in that and the other perspective the one that remains prevalent today creates the mindset if you are constantly saying to yourself it's just not fair if you are victimizing yourself and if you are feeling and without judgment it's very easy to fall into that trap it's very very easy to live a life that's always looking to the future if i just do this i can be like that they've achieved that but i'm not there yet and i'm fed up of seeing everybody else doing why can't i have that rather than enjoying what you have now and saying to yourself i had the choice to make this grow by putting in the hard work i understand it might not happen for me today as it's happened to those people but i also understand they've done the hard work i'm not quite yet there yet and i do not feel resentment about that that is a choice that is a personal choice so the takeaways from today i would say are as women embrace the masculine and create a balance understand that you can make choices it is within your circle of control to be grateful for who you are but not openly express gratitude blindly create a balance it's very difficult when we're around other people we want to please them we want to be nice we want people to like us if i just say this even if i don't mean it stay true to your value system okay there aren't very many let's say it's a formal situation there are very many men walking around sacrificing themselves for the sake of being liked they've never needed to because socially speaking men will always be funnier that's just the way it is men will always be brighter that's just the way it is we're not talking about truths here we are talking about working with the society we have and we are here now and we have to exist in that society and there are certain things we have to understand as women and certain things we have to accept and you can fight you can you can fight all you like but it's not going to change anytime soon so we work with what we've got which is what elizabeth did she worked with what she had and that's called wisdom which is one of the stoic principles and understanding of the world around you it's strategy look at catherine de medici the italian queen she married into a situation where things were happening that she didn't like she created a strategy albeit very controversial at times and murderous but she worked with what she had she didn't run around screaming and crying because things weren't going her way because she was in a male-dominated situation she understood there were certain ways to survive in that situation and certain moderations she must make to herself now what arguably you could say well you just said don't practice gratitude if it doesn't come naturally or don't be over flirtatious true but with the understanding of the world the way it is comes wisdom so we don't do something that's not natural to ourselves but we approach situations with wisdom and then we make a decision from there okay the idea that you would be blindly i'm grateful openly to other people without considering what that gratitude is for it's reckless and it's potentially damaging as usual i have spoken a lot um i hope some of this resonated why don't we donate i don't know what okay that's really lovely i'm not sure um don't really yeah me too love catherine de medici and we will talk about that soon i don't really know how the um i don't really know how the um i don't really know how the um your screens work so i don't know i just i see a donation which is very very kind thank you so much that's really kind um again as far as donations go it is really it's not something that we anastasia bless your heart it's not something it's something that we are asked to mention throughout and what has happened as when i'm teaching i just went on so i'm just in the moment um if you wish to donate that's you know i i'm eternally grateful for that um i'm focused at the moment just on the topic what i'm talking about so let's just go back to that you tried but it didn't work paulie oh bless you i don't know technically speaking i'm not sure it might be better to do it outside of the live i don't know um yes now i'm assuming that is quaid tell me if i'm wrong but it looks like it would be pronounced quaid and yes i love katherine de medici why because she was in almost an impossible situation and what she did was surrounded herself by powerhouses that would help her get out of it be they good or bad she didn't give in i think is why i like her so much and it's a fascinating story on the guinness i'm talking of books if you can get to the gene plady historical accounts they are they are narratives excuse me they are stories but they're about katherine de medici um and there were three of them in the series just about her absolutely fascinating let's go back to the comments i will be talking about her more in the future think about there being different aspects of gratitude yes yes in that instance lissy is the stoic one yes i'm just having to scroll up because the comments keep moving i would take with me the thought of living less means you appreciate yes that's true try and be grateful for the negatives thank you very much as always joe i'm a dude i think men and women are equals i think yeah i mean we're all equals right but we also are all multifaceted and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind and we're all kind know thyself and embrace thyself that is within your circle of control okay so i i just feel that was a very productive live thank you everyone for coming i didn't really tap too much into this today but i'm trying as i say to make it relatable and not just read off meditations one after the other and talk about them but relate it to the literature i read because that is what i hope you will be listening to we have poliano out now we have my um the next episode of the bridlington which is my original series set in an english hotel that's out next week episode 16 so many classic novels out and um if you can tap into blethingwood hall my fantasy series um which is kind of eco fantasy great it'd be i'd love to see you there and i will see you this time next week 3 p.

M gmt time and um you have a lovely week see you then bye

Reviews

More history for me to explore, am intrigued now by your talk of Catherine de' Medici. Thank you! Last year I read several novels dated 1300- 1600, stories based in France and England. Interesting to piece these places and times together, and their wisdoms.