How To Rebuild Trust In Yourself | SFTS Ep18

Trust in ourselves isn't lost overnight, and it isn't rebuilt overnight either. In this reflection, I explore how self-trust erodes through small acts of self-abandonment and how it can be rebuilt through honesty, awareness, and learning to listen to ourselves again. This is an invitation to stop looking outside for answers and begin rebuilding the most important relationship you'll ever have—the relationship with Self.

Transcript

Good morning, Good evening, Good afternoon, Wherever you may be. Whatever you may be doing. And thank you and welcome to this space. This is a space that kind of started at the end of last year or middle of last year and it began really by Going through. . . The book No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz. Who is the father of internal family systems. And I've migrated it into what? Is going to be a regular space. And we're really going to be talking about parts work and different elements and different aspects of it. It'll also be kind of supported by. . . My podcast or the talks, Which you can get on Insight Timer, Stories from the Soul. And so today I wanted to talk about why you can't trust yourself. And there's typically a reason. As to why. I, You, We, Second guess. Decisions. And it's usually a reason you look. Outside of yourself for answers. A reason that You need a sibling, A parent, A colleague, A partner. Someone else, Something external to tell you. That you're doing whatever it is correctly. And. . . It's not really what. . . You think that reason is. You know, We typically don't have a trust problem. What I've seen, What I think, What I believe is that. It's a betrayal problem. And until you understand how. . . You'll never really learn to trust yourself again. Let me just kind of paint a bit of a picture for you. So you need to make a decision, Right? And Immediately you feel it. Down to the second guessing Am I sure about this? What if I'm wrong? What if I messed this up? What if it doesn't work out? The regrets start to seep in. So you ask someone else. Or something else. You know, We're all. . . In the age today of AI? So chat TPT, What do you think? So we go. CPT or whatever it may be. And we ask someone else. You text, You call. Posted on a group chat. And even after. . . It or they tell you what they think? Is still not said. You still don't know. Because the answer that you're looking for. . . Isn't really out there. It's. . . And always has been anchored internally, It's in here. In here. But you can't hear it because somewhere along the way. . . You stop trusting yourself. And I can attest to that. Let me just kind of tell you why I think. You can't trust yourself. And it's not about being broken, It's not because you don't have good instincts. It's because somewhere along the line on this journey that has been life. You betrayed yourself. And please don't get me wrong, I don't mean betrayed yourself in a harsh way. You learned to betray yourself. I'll say that again, You learned to betray yourself because. . . When I, You, We were young? We have instincts. You knew when something felt wrong. You knew when someone wasn't safe. You knew what you needed. Ultimately. But the adults around you. They started to come in and they started to tell you not to do this, What you should do, What you shouldn't do, What you were wrong in doing. You know, You said that, Oh, I don't like. This person, This kid in my class, And they said, Don't be rude. They're your friends, They're nice. Or maybe you didn't like a family member. And again, Don't be rude. They're your uncle, They're your aunt. And Again. The scene and setting the scene from what happened. Last week. What showed up for me was a part. Well, Several parts actually, And when I engaged with them. . . They basically told me that this burden had been being held since I was four years old. And it was basically a pushback from. Being constantly told what to do and not wanting to do it. Maybe not even, I didn't want to do it at all, But I just wanted to do it at that moment in time. Having my. . . Power having my. Options, Opinions, My perspective, My ability to say yes or to say no being quashed. And again, It's nothing that people do on purpose. It's not anything that people do vindictively. It's parents being parents. And we typically go through that phase, You know, Those of you who have children, The no phase. That phase is an important phase in a child's developmental cycle. Because it's them beginning to learn and test boundaries. And what they do and do not like. So it's just creating a gap. And ability for them. Maw and take on board the information and make their decision. And to be honest, I've still got that. It's gotten better. Asked my wife when we first met, I'd say no to everything. I'd say no to everything. And. . . Yeah, It's a process. It's a process that we go through. And it's the simple things, You know, You might have said that. You weren't hungry. And these are the small things that we do all the time. I probably did it tonight to my son. Say you weren't hungry. And your parents told you no, You need to finish your food. You say that. You know, You don't really feel right. You don't really want to go to school. And they say no. You'll feel fine. Gotta go to school. You'll feel better when you get there. And slowly. Very slowly. You learn that what you felt wasn't real. That what you knew New. Wasn't true and that your instincts couldn't be trusted. And that's where the betrayal started. So you stopped listening to yourself and you started looking outside. You started asking, What should I do? What do you think? What should I eat? Where should I go? Can I do this? Am I doing this right? Because you started to learn and you were imprinted in with it that other people knew better than you did. That's the thing, They didn't. You do know what's best for you. All those other people had. Was. They just had more power. And you're a child. And you needed them. So? You betrayed yourself. You betrayed yourself to keep them. And in one shape or form or another, You've been doing it ever since. And does that kind of make sense? Let me tell you. What this looks like now. In our adult life. You feel something in your gut, Something that says, This doesn't really feel right. There's something off about this person. The situation isn't for me. But instead of trusting it, You override it. You tell yourself, I'm being paranoid, I'm overthinking, I'm being too sensitive. Let me give them another chance. It's not their fault. All of these phrases start to come through. Which cause and create. This lack of trust. In your gut. So you stay. You stay in that relationship that doesn't feel right. You stay in that job that's draining you. You stay in that friendship that's one-sided. Simply because you don't trust yourself. Don't trust. Vax. Feeling that you just know. You feel and you sense in your gut. Amen. It falls apart. The relationship ends badly. The job burns you out. The friend. Inevitably betrays you? And you think, I knew it. Why can't I just simply trust myself? I knew this was a bad idea. But that's not true. You knew, You knew from the beginning, From the get-go, From the start, And your body told you, Your gut told you. And your instincts told you. But you didn't trust him. You betrayed yourself. Here is my point about this. We can learn to trust. Self again, And. . . Again, I can attest to this. It doesn't happen overnight, You can't force it. You can't take a course to do it. Me talking about this isn't going to give it to you either. Speaking for myself this has been a five-year journey right now. If not six. Learning to simply trusting myself. And I would make a conscious point. Of remembering. Even to the point of writing things down, So I could then go back and be like, Yeah, That's what I thought, And that did happen. I made that decision, And that was the right decision. Or I wanted to do this, And I didn't do that. Hmm, I was correct. I should have done that, Or I shouldn't have done that. And slowly over time, Really slowly over time. And quite consciously and quite deliberately. I've just learned to listen to my gut. And I mean, You'll hear me say this. Constantly and I can't recommend it. I have probably got 20 gigs. All. Voicenotes. To self. I'll go out, Go for a walk. Put my headphones on. In this talk, Talk through a problem. How do I feel? What am I thinking? What should I do? And I started to build that relationship with self. With my parts. So that the default setting. . . Was internal. And with time I began to prove to myself over. And over. I won't betray myself anymore. That I won't pick up the phone, I won't send a message, I won't look for someone else. That someone else is me. And I created this relationship where I am and can truly say that I am my best friend. And I'm very glad and very proud of that fact. End. It has served me well. It has helped me. And of course, You know, There's gray days, But. I know, A, That I can anchor in self. And engage with self and get the answers from self. And of course, You're not correct all the time. But what is? Happening all the time is that I'm looking to myself all the time. And even if I do go and speak to someone else, I've had that walk, I've recorded that voice note, I've engaged with self first. And then I'll go and talk to someone else. With my opinion, With my thoughts on it. And with time. I've started to learn that when my body says no, I honor it. When my gut says something's off. Something doesn't feel right, I listen. And when my instinct speaks, I trust. And my parts speak, I trust them. And in doing this, This is how I and how you can rebuild that trust with yourself, Not by being perfect. But simply by being honest. Let me give you four things. First one notice when you override yourself. Because you do it. More often than you think. So I want you to really start to pay attention. If you feel tired, But you push through, Note it. If you feel uncomfortable, But you stay, Note it. If you feel a no in your body, But you say yes, Note it. And if you want you can write it down, You can leave a voice note, Whatever it is, But just really notice it. Notice the moment. That it happens. Notice when you ignore what you feel, Notice when you. . . Dismiss what you know and notice when you look outside for an answer that's already inside of you. Because the first step in this. . . Like I said, For me. Was awareness, Was being aware of the fact that I was doing it and when I was doing it. Because you can't rebuild trust if you don't see where you're breaking it. And then secondly, Start with the small treats. I'll tell you another story, Because I'm all about anecdotes, Aren't I? I remember in those early days thinking, Oh, I just want to be happy and just want to learn how to let go. All of these kind of quick fix things. And what I've learnt over these last five, Six years. Has been to just trust the process. And to really learn and take the time. To establish a relationship with self, And this is why I've created this space, And this is why the space is called The Self Remains. Because after everything, After all of the stuff. . . Itself. And not to be. They be down now. Sorry Debra. Bye. The relationship that will always be there. Is the relationship with self. And when you learn, That and take the time. To really engage with that. I remember us talking to My sister of the weekend. And I was remembering how I used to. I'll use the word, Hate being by myself. I couldn't do it. To the point where, I mean, There was a stage when I had not been in a relationship for 10 years, Like literally. And now my favorite thing in the world to do is to be by myself not like a hermit introspect type way but I really love spending time with myself. I am my own best friend. Absolutely. So, The second bit. Start with small treats. Because, As I said. . . To your point Chris, You're not going to rebuild trust overnight. You're not going to suddenly trust your gut on those big decisions. Start small. Someone asks what you want for dinner. Don't say, I don't care. Chicken and if that chicken is. . . Simply taking a deep breath in. Closing your eyes. And seeing. And asking yourself what you really want. And then set. If someone asks you if you want to go out, Don't automatically say yes. Check in with your body. See if you have the energy. Check and see. That you actually want to go. And if the answer is no, Say no. If you don't want to do it, Just say no. It's such a hard word. But it's such a simple, Small little word, But it is so hard to say. Because In those small moments, Those small little decisions where you lean into yourself and you learn to listen and to trust? That's how you start to rebuild it. By honoring those small truths, By proving to yourself one little step at a time that what you feel matters and that what you want matters. Matters. And essentially that you matter. You know, I spoke. A couple of months ago about. Shouldn't want. And like I said at the beginning of this, There's a lot of should. We were told that we should do this. We were told that we should like this person. We were told that we shouldn't like that. The question is, What do you want? So, The third thing. Listen to your body. Listen to your body, Listen to your heart, Your gut, Your throat. Just listen. Because the body does not. And will never lie. Your mind can rationalize, Your mind can. . . Come to terms with things, Can make excuses, It can override what your body Your body tells the truth. When something's wrong your body knows, Your stomach tightens. Your chest constricts, Your shoulders tense. I mean, Something's right. Your body knows that too. Your breath deepens, Your shoulders drop, You feel settled. Peace descends. Peace. Oh my gosh, I love that word. I relate to being solid with peace. So I'm feeling settled. Just start to listen. Start listening. Listen when you're making a decision. Listen when you're with someone, Listen when you're in a situation, Listen when you're at the grocery store. And deciding on this can over that can or that bottle over that. Genuinely, A time and a space as simple as that. Just pose the question to your body and ask your body. How do I feel right now? What do I want? Or do I want? And like I said, You know, When I go out for a walk, That's what I do. I ask myself, How do I feel right now? And you know what, Guys? Let's do this. Tomorrow morning. Maybe not a morning person, But tomorrow. God for a walk. Get your. . . However you do it, If you want to put a headset on or if you want to speak into your phone on loudspeaker. And as you walk out of your house, Literally as you're recording, Say the words. How do I feel right now? And then just talk. Don't think. And second guess, Just talk. You've asked the question. And let yourself answered. And what I'd like you to do is. . . I mean, When you come back, I don't know, Either send me a DM or. . . If you happen to be listening to a meditation, Leave a comment in there and just tell me. How you felt, What came up. I genuinely would love to hear it. Just remember, Un-note it down, Write it down. Not the words. But how it felt. And when you do that tomorrow, Trust. What comes out? Even if your mind disagrees. Even if what you're saying doesn't make logical sense, Just trust your body. And when you pose yourself that question when you're making a decision or when you're thinking about something, Just trust your body. Do it. And the last thing? And this perhaps is the most important. Apologise Apologize to self for all the times you betrayed yourself. For all the times you ignored what you felt, For all the times you stayed when you should have left, For all the times you said yes when you meant no. For all the times you abandoned yourself. Apologize. You might say, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, I'm sorry I ignored what you were trying to tell me. I'm sorry I betr- I'm sorry I betrayed or I'm sorry I abandoned you. I'm gonna do better. I'm gonna start trusting. I'm not going to leave anymore. And if you want, You can write a letter to yourself. You can write in your journal. I do apologize. This allows us to begin again. Not by being perfect, But by being accountable. By acknowledging what happened, Acknowledging the abandoning, Acknowledging the betrayal. And committing to repair. So start with that. And you know. . . It might be the time I've been. . . Waiting. To record a meditation about surrender. And I think now's the time. I believe now is the time. But I'd like. . . What I want you to know. As we kind of wrap this all up, I want you to know that you can trust yourself. You can trust yourself again like we did when we were younger. And trusting. You trust yourself not because you'll never make a mistake, Not because you'll always get it right. But because you'll prove to yourself. I'm really trying to. Separate those words yourself as one word to yourself Because the self has an identity. Self is a sentient being. And because you'll prove to self over and over. That you're listening. Honoring what you feel, Staying. With self. And slowly And again. I can attest to this. The doubt. Gets quieter. Quieter. And quiet. And the second guessing starts to fade. And when you start to hear it again. That voice inside, The one that's been there. All along. That voice that knows. That you can trust. Because here's the truth, And I say this quite often, You always knew. And deep down you still know. You've just stopped listening. You've stopped believing. But with time you can. Begin again. Today, Now, Whatever time it is for you. 2049 for me, Cape Town, South Africa, Whatever it is for you, Wherever you are right now, You can start. Start to trust yourself again and I really am hoping that this becomes a line in the sand for everybody on the call. And over the course of the next. . . However long. This place and space is. That trust. You build with it, You build it personally. And we begin to share those stories about that journey and we take that journey. Because you can start trusting yourself again. One small, Simple truth at a time. And maps. Is that. Guys, I think there's a few takeaways from this. The voice note for tomorrow, The letter, The journal. It starts simply by apologizing. And not apologizing because you're bad, Because you've done anything wrong, But just apologizing well. Not apologizing because you're bad or because you've done anything wrong. Full stop. But apologizing because you want to make amends. Full stop. You want to start again. You want to create a relationship. That's going to take time, It's going to take perseverance, It's going to take persistence. But it'll come.

Reviews

I loved this. I am working with surrender and trust right now, so I'm excited that you are planning to record a meditation on this same topic. Thank you for sharing your gifts of wisdom. ✨🤍✨

Be your best friend. Very open and sincere conversation about trusting your second brain. Thank you Tari for another "gem" of a talk.

Tariro, I needed this! I will take your idea of “daily voice notes to self” on my daily walk tomorrow and even future walks. I’m often listening to others to give me wisdom and always seeking external guidance. But this one resonates because it’s for me to rebuilding my inner wisdom and trust that it’s been there all along.

And yes, please follow up with a meditation on surrender. That’s been my journey as of late as I’ve hit a wall and need to let go and trust. I’m looking forward to it and sharing my experience with it.

Blessings 💌🙏🏽