The Humorously Dull History of the Mona Lisa

Hello my friend,

Welcome to humorously dull history for sleepwalkers.

My name is Stephen Dalton,

And it is my hope that as I tell you lots of different facts about particular periods in history tonight,

You find me so incredibly boring that you fall asleep very quickly.

And maybe.

.

.

Even with a smile upon your face.

It is humorous history after all.

Tonight I'll tell you the humorously dull history of the Mona Lisa.

Yes,

That enigmatic painting that has launched a million questions.

You'll hear all about its unusually interesting history from Da Vinci to Instagram.

It's all here tonight.

So,

Just before we get started.

.

.

Allow yourself to Settle into this moment.

Leave the day that was behind.

Feel the support.

Of whatever you lie upon.

If your eyes aren't closed yet.

Allow them to close.

Whatever has been.

Has been.

It's history now.

Whatever will be.

Whoopee.

All you have is this moment.

And my voice.

So allow your curiosity to be a part of this pleasant experience,

As I tell you.

The humorously dull history of the Mona Lisa.

Part one.

In which a man named Leonardo is born.

And almost immediately fails to paint the Mona Lisa.

Leonardo da Vinci is born on the 15th of April in the year 1452.

Which is neither especially early.

Nor especially late.

As years go in the 15th century.

His birthplace is the town of Vinci.

Which is in the region of Tuscany,

Which is in Italy.

Which,

At the time,

Is not yet Italy in the way we now understand Italy.

But rather a collection of loosely affiliated city-states that frequently disagree about almost everything.

The child is named Leonardo.

Which is not unusual.

It's surname.

Da Vinci.

Is not technically a surname at all.

But rather a geographical label,

Meaning from Vinci.

This sort of naming convention is common at the time and proves convenient for future historians.

Because it eliminates the need to invent a new title for him.

He is,

From the very beginning,

A man who is from somewhere,

Which is equality shared by most people.

His parents are not married.

This is noted,

But not dwelled upon.

His father is a notary.

Which means he writes things down in a professional capacity.

His mother is named Katharina.

About whom less is known.

Which is also quite typical.

Leonardo is raised by his father's family.

Receives some education.

And eventually begins drawing things Some of the things he draws are real.

Others are not.

This will become something of a passion.

As a child.

He shows signs of curiosity.

Manual dexterity.

And a general disregard.

For finishing what he starts.

He also writes from right to left in a mirror-like fashion.

Which may be because he is left-handed or private.

Or simply fuzzy.

No one is certain.

Whatever the reason.

It does make his notes harder to read.

At no point during this stage of his life does Leonardo paint the Mona Lisa.

This is perhaps not surprising.

As he is still a child.

And has not yet met the woman in question,

Acquired the necessary pigments,

Or become remotely interested in portraiture.

That being said,

It is technically accurate to say that the painter of the Mona Lisa is now alive.

And that the painting will,

In time,

Be painted.

But not yet.

Burst.

There are many years of other things that will not turn out to be the Mona Lisa.

Part two.

In which Leonardo learns to draw,

Paint.

Invent.

And mostly leave things unfinished.

As Leonardo moves into adolescence,

He is sent to Florence,

Which is a city known at the time for two main things.

Banking and frescoes.

Here he is apprenticed to Andrea del Verrocchio,

A respectable artist who paints things on wood,

Scopes things in stone,

And tries his best to keep the apprentices from spilling linseed oil on his tunics.

The workshop is busy.

The work is steady,

And the apprentices are many.

Leonardo is one of them.

He draws.

Repaints.

He suns things smooth,

And occasionally he is allowed to gill Verrocchio's studio teaches him several important techniques.

These include how to mix pigments how to grind minerals into fine powder.

How to depict drapery.

And how to clean brushes thoroughly so they don't harden into unusable sticks.

He also learns anatomy by studying bodies.

Many of which are no longer using their anatomical parts.

This is considered both normal and educational.

It is during this time.

That Leonardo paints his first recognizably Leonardo-like things.

Angels with thoughtful expressions.

People who do not quite seem to be looking at what they're supposed to be looking at.

And a general preference for shadows over outlines.

He begins to develop the habit of blending tones in a way that will later be called sfumato,

Which is Italian for smoky,

Though it is not the kind of smoke that requires any extinguishing.

He also begins Inventing.

These inventions include bridges that cannot be crossed,

Flying machines that do not fly.

And theatrical props that are best viewed from a distance and not for very long.

He fills notebooks with mirrored writing and diagrams.

His inventions rarely work,

But this does not appear to trouble him.

People begin to notice that Leonardo is very clever.

This proves to be both a complement and a long-term obstacle,

As it means he is asked to do many things at once,

And finishes almost none of them.

He is commissioned to paint a large mural of a battle.

He sketches many horses.

And several soldiers.

The mural is never completed.

This is widely considered typical.

Still,

Despite this lack of follow through.

He becomes increasingly well known He moves from Florence to Milan Back to Florence.

And then to Rome.

Painting some things.

Inventing others.

And always,

Crucially,

Not painting the Mona Lisa.

He is not avoiding it exactly.

He just hasn't thought of it yet.

Part 3.

In which a woman is born,

Lives a fairly normal life,

And then sits for a while.

Lisa Garadini is born in Florence in the year 1479 This is approximately 27 years after Leonardo da Vinci is born,

And approximately 24 years before she will do anything that might be considered painting-related.

She is born into the Garodini family.

Which is a respectable,

But no longer especially rich,

Florentine family.

At one point they had castles.

By the time Lisa is born,

They have fewer castles and more quiet dinners.

At the age of fifteen,

Lisa marries a man named Francesco del Giocondo.

He is a merchant who deals in silk,

Cloth,

And various other textiles that require measurement and polite conversation.

Is older than her,

As was the fashion.

They move into a house,

Have children,

And as far as records show,

She lives a reasonably stable domestic life.

Does not write any famous letters,

Invent any machines.

Or paint anything at all,

As far as we know.

This in the 15th century is not unusual.

At some point in the early 1500s.

Possibly the year 1503.

Francesco commissions a portrait of Lisa.

This is also not unusual.

Commissioning portraits of one's wife and children.

Was something moderately successful men did in Renaissance Florence.

Usually to show that one had both the wife and the money to have her painted.

The painter chosen is Leonardo da Vinci.

Who at this stage has returned to Florence and is between large projects.

He has not yet perfected a method of casting horses in bronze.

Has recently abandoned an enormous battle mural.

And is likely looking for something quiet to work on that doesn't involve scaffolding or politics.

So,

A portrait of a woman seated calmly in front of an imaginary landscape is at this moment,

Exactly the right size of project.

Leonardo accepts the commission,

Or appears to.

There is no contract,

No receipt.

No email confirmation.

There is,

However,

A short handwritten note in the margin of a sixteenth-century book belonging to a man in Heidelberg who reports that Leonardo is working on a portrait of Lisa del Giocondo.

This is the only contemporary record of the Mona Lisa being painted.

And it is not especially detailed.

What happens next?

Is that Leonardo begins to paint the portrait.

What also happens?

Is that he does not give it to the Giocondo family.

Heart or mind.

In which Leonardo paints the Mona Lisa.

Very slowly.

And then continues to not stop.

Bye now.

It is the year 1503.

Possibly early 1504.

And Leonardo da Vinci.

Is in Florence.

He is approximately 51 years old.

And he is beginning,

Perhaps slowly,

To paint the portrait that will become the Mona Lisa.

He chooses to paint it not on canvas,

Which is light and flexible.

Put on a panel made of poplar wood,

Which is flat,

Slightly curved,

And entirely unwilling to be rolled up.

Now the panel measures 77 by 53 centimeters.

Which is neither especially large nor especially small.

It is just the right size for a woman sitting down without looking terribly pleased or particularly inconvenienced.

The wood is sanded smooth and coated with a gesso ground onto which Leonardo begins applying thin,

Careful layers of oil paint.

He works with earth pigments,

Mostly browns and yellows.

Along with small amounts of black,

White and a modest greenish-blue that never quite settles on being either green or blue.

He begins with an underdrawing.

Likely in charcoal or silver point,

Though no trace of it remains.

If it was there,

It was painted over if it wasn't.

That is also consistent with Leonardo's general approach to planning.

He begins to build up the surface using his signature technique,

Sfumato.

This involves layering translucent glazes so that outlines vanish.

Shadows drift.

And cheekbones appear slowly,

Like shy ideas.

The woman in the painting is turned slightly to her left.

She is seated.

Her hands are folded.

Which indicates that she is not currently doing anything.

Behind her.

Is a landscape that does not exist in real life.

It features winding rivers.

Imaginary cliffs.

And bridges that may or may not lead anywhere.

This is not a view from Florence.

This is a view from Leonardo's sense of composition.

He paints her face with extraordinary care,

Though no one is quite sure how long this takes,

Because Leonardo paints very slowly and also intermittently.

Some believe he works on the portrait for four years.

Others believe he puts it aside.

And returns to it occasionally while doing other things.

There is evidence that he continues to touch up the painting as late as 1516.

Bye then.

He has already left Florence,

Taken the painting with him to France,

And shown no signs of delivering it to the person who paid for it.

At some point in this process The painting is no longer a commission.

It becomes a personal project or perhaps a souvenir.

Or maybe just a habit.

Part five.

In which Leonardo moves to France.

Keeps the painting.

And then stops being alive.

By the year 1516.

Leonardo da Vinci was around 64 years old.

And is no longer particularly interested.

In pleasing clients.

Finishing commissions.

Or participating in Florentine politics.

He accepts an invitation from King Francis I of France.

To move to the Loire Valley.

And live in a house near the Royal Chateau.

The house is nice.

It has shutters,

Rooms,

And enough quiet for drawing things that don't need to be pilfered.

Leonardo brings with him three paintings.

One of them is the Mona Lisa.

It is unclear whether he brings it rolled in fabric.

Flash in a case.

Or simply carries it under his arm.

Like a well-behaved tree.

However he does it.

The painting arrives safely.

And resumes doing what it does best,

Staying still.

Once in France.

Leonardo continues to tinker.

He draws diagrams of water systems,

Redesigns royal pageants.

And sometimes gestures vaguely at unfinished projects.

Is also said to continue making slight adjustments to the Mona Lisa.

A touch of shadow here.

A refinement of the corner of the eye there.

The ongoing suggestion of a smile.

Whether these changes are noticeable is unclear.

But to Leonardo they seem important.

He now signs no more contracts,

Begins no more major works.

And appears to be engaged primarily in the activity of being Leonardo da Vinci near a French king.

Francis I,

Or Francois Premier,

Visits him occasionally,

And is reportedly fond of him,

Though it is unclear whether they talk at length,

Or simply nod at one another with mutual respect.

In either case,

Leonardo continues living in the chateau's guesthouse with his notebooks,

His assistants,

And his paintings.

One of which is still,

Technically,

A portrait of Lisa Garadini,

Commissioned thirteen years earlier,

Never delivered,

And never paid for in full.

On the 2nd of May 1519,

Leonardo dies.

His death is recorded by his assistant.

He is buried in Amboise and his remaining possessions including the Mona Lisa are left behind.

No formal will survives regarding the painting.

It is not clear whether it is sold,

Inherited,

Or quietly picked up by the king.

But shortly after Leonardo's death.

The Mona Lisa enters the Royal Collection of France.

Where it is not removed,

Borrowed or particularly disturbed for quite some time.

Part 6,

In which King Francis I acquires the painting and decides to hang it in his bathroom.

By around 1519,

Soon after Leonardo's death.

King Francis I of France formally acquires the Mona Lisa.

He doesn't lock it away in a vault.

Or send us to a gallery.

Instead.

He installs it in a room within his splendid chateau in Fontainebleau.

Technically,

This space is known as the Appartement des Bains or Royal Baths Suite.

An area used for relaxation and refreshment,

Not the sort of bathroom we think of today.

Still,

It has baths,

Steam rooms,

And walls lined with artworks meant to delight the senses.

So,

Yes,

The Mona Lisa stays there.

It hangs above the bathing area,

Not beside a showerhead.

But alongside mythological murals,

Sculptures,

And guilt mirrors in a warm,

Humid setting.

After a few years,

Conservators begin to notice faint cracking in the paint.

It's attributed to the changing temperature and moisture in the room.

At some point,

Varnish is applied to the surface,

But with only limited success As a result,

The painting develops that slightly yellowed,

Gently crackled look you might see today.

Despite its unusual placement,

The painting remains in Royal Francis' care for the next two centuries.

This travels eventually.

Moving to places like Versailles.

But by the late 1600s it is relocated away from the baths to more conventional gallery settings.

Still for several years.

It is technically hanging above marble baths in the damp,

Warm atmosphere of Fontainebleau's luxury spa wing,

All under royal command.

Part seven.

In which the painting moves out of the bathroom.

And into history.

Very slowly.

And without complaint.

After several years,

Gently relaxing above the royal bath The Mona Lisa is moved from the Apartement des Bains at Fontainebleau.

To more conventional surroundings.

No precise date is recorded for her relocation,

But historians generally agree that by the mid-17th century she is no longer steaming quietly above the royal foot basins and is instead hanging in one of the main galleries at Fontainebleau,

Where there are chairs,

Drapes,

And a much lower risk of condensation.

By this time,

France has acquired a healthy number of Italian paintings,

Many of them procured during earlier military campaigns or purchased from various eager dealers.

The Mona Lisa is considered a fine piece,

But not yet famous.

It is admired,

But not mobbed.

No one yet writes poetry about it.

It simply exists with that faint smile.

And those folded hands.

Waiting patiently while the bourbons expand their collection.

Under King Louis XIV,

The Sun King.

Who is known for his appetite for furniture,

Mirrors,

And declarations of self-importance.

The Royal Art Collection is moved to the Palace of Versailles.

The Mona Lisa.

Is among the works selected to travel.

She is carried most likely in a wooden crate by a man in a wig along roads which may or may not have been muddy She's then hung in a private study or salon.

Where she continues what she does best.

Remaining quietly still.

There is no record of Louis XIV commenting on the painting.

This is not surprising.

Louis XIV had many things to consider,

Including the construction of fountains,

The hiring of composers,

And the question of whether France should be at war with somebody at any given moment.

But it is possible.

Though not confirmed.

That he looked at the painting while sipping something expensive At Versailles,

The Mona Lisa remains largely undisturbed for decades.

She does not appear in major inventories until the late 18th century,

When the Royal Collection is being gradually catalogued.

And the notion of public access to art is becoming fashionable.

Until then,

She is likely dusted occasionally.

Admired quietly.

And avoided during upholstery work.

And then quite suddenly Everything changes.

TARS ACE in which a revolution occurs,

And the painting does not mind one bit.

It is now 1789.

And France is experiencing what historians often describe as Extremely lively.

The monarchy is under pressure.

The people are dissatisfied with bread prices,

Taxation,

And the general vibe of the Ancien Régime.

There are protests,

Zen pamphlets,

Then sudden structural redefinitions of society.

Eventually.

King Louis XVI and Queen Marie Antoinette are removed from their roles.

With what might be described as inality.

During this time,

The royal art collection,

Previously available only to nobility,

Courtiers,

And people with the right gloves,

Is seized by the revolutionary government.

The artworks are considered part of the national inheritance and are to be shown to the public for the purposes of education,

Inspiration and not being destroyed.

Mona Lisa,

Still quietly in possession of her own business.

Is moved once again.

This time,

She is transferred to the Louvre.

Which was once a palace and is now,

Through the careful repurposing of corridors,

Becoming a museum.

She is placed on a wall.

She is given.

A number.

A small placard is prepared.

In 1797,

The museum officially opens its doors to the general public.

It is known at the time as the Museum Central des Arts de la Republique,

Which is quite a mouthful,

So most people simply call it the place with all the paintings.

The Mona Lisa is available for viewing by anyone with the patience to wait their turn and the ability to look at a painting without touching it.

She remains in the Louvre throughout the Napoleonic years.

With only a few brief interruptions.

It is sometimes claimed,

And possibly true,

That Napoleon Bonaparte requests the painting for his private apartments at the Tuileries Palace.

Where he reportedly hangs it above the mantle in his bedroom.

Whether or not he greets her each morning with a nod is unknown.

What is certain is that after Napoleon is defeated and sent to various islands The painting is quietly returned to the Louvre without fuss or commentary.

By the mid 1800s,

The Mona Lisa has entered a new phase of life.

She is now visible to the public.

Free from steam baths and royal side rooms.

And begins the slow climb.

From a well-made Renaissance portrait.

To something people think.

They should already know about.

Part nine.

In which the Mona Lisa gains a reputation without doing anything in particular By the mid 19th century,

The Mona Lisa is hanging quite peacefully in the Louvre.

She has been cleaned a few times.

Re-varnished once or twice.

And at least one museum visitor has probably sneezed on her.

But for the most part,

She is undisturbed.

And then,

Slowly but surely,

People begin to notice.

Not in great numbers at first.

Just a few painters and poets.

Mostly French.

Mostly male.

Mostly wearing waistcoats.

Begin to describe the painting as mysterious,

Enigmatic,

And in some cases too quiet to be trusted.

The smile,

Which had previously just been a normal mouth with the corners turned slightly upward,

Is now the subject of speculation.

Some believe it is knowing.

Others believe it is weary.

One person says it looks like she knows something about you which is unlikely,

But nevertheless enters the discourse.

A poet named Théophile Gautier writes about the Mona Lisa in the 1850s and calls her a sphinx of beauty,

Which is not something she had asked for.

Then,

In 1869,

An English essayist named Walter Pater adds to the growing myth mythology by suggesting that her smile contains the experience of the world.

Which is quite a lot to put on someone who has never once changed expression.

From this point on.

A new chapter begins.

The Mona Lisa is now more than a painting.

She is a concept,

A mood.

An academic debate and a useful example when art critics are running low on adjectives.

Tourists begin to ask where she is kept.

Guides begin including her on their tours.

At no point does she object.

He continues to hang.

As ever.

In silence.

The same 77 by 53 centimeter woman.

Sitting in the same imaginary landscape.

Having still never blinked.

Part 10,

In which the painting is stolen,

Goes on holiday and comes back more popular than before.

It is the 21st of August,

1911.

A Monday.

The Louvre is closed for cleaning,

Which is not unusual.

On this particular Monday,

However.

Something else unusual has occurred.

The Mona Lisa is no longer on the wall.

At first No one notices.

A painter named Louis Beru arrives the next day and sets up his easel.

He is planning to paint a copy of the Mona Lisa,

Something artists were allowed to do at the time.

Anyway.

He notices that the wall where she usually hangs is empty.

It waits a bit longer.

Eventually,

He asks a go.

The guard,

Who is also unaware,

Suggests that the painting may have been taken to be photographed.

This turns out to be incorrect.

After some polite walking,

Mild alarm,

And a thorough check of the broom cupboards,

The museum concludes that the painting has been stolen.

The Louvre closes.

Panic begins.

The police are summoned.

They inspect the scene.

They find the frame left behind in a staircase.

But no painting.

For the next few days,

The Mona Lisa exists nowhere in the museum.

Nowhere in France.

And nowhere on earth that anyone can officially confirm.

This is,

To put it mildly,

Unusual.

The theft makes headlines worldwide.

It is covered in Paris,

London,

New York,

And even places where people have never heard of Lisa Gherardini or Poplar Panos.

For the first time in recorded history,

People began forming long queues at the Louvre.

Not to see the Mona Lisa,

But to see the empty space where she used to be.

The police are baffled.

The museum is embarrassed.

At one point,

The avant-garde poet Guillaume Apollinaire is arrested.

His friend,

A little-known Spanish painter named Pablo Picasso,

Is also questioned.

Both are entirely innocent and probably bewildered.

The case remains open.

For over two years,

The Mona Lisa is missing.

She is not painted over.

She is not destroyed.

She is simply gone.

And zen.

One day in December 1913.

A man in Florence contacts an art dealer and says more or less I have the Mona Lisa in a trunk.

Would you like to see it?

Parse 11.

In which the Mona Lisa is found in a trunk,

Greeted by Italians.

And sent quietly back to France.

In December of 1913.

A Florentine art dealer receives a letter.

The letter is from a man calling himself Leonardo Vincenzo,

Which is not his real name,

And also not particularly subtle.

The man claims to possess the original Mona Lisa and wishes to return it to Italy.

Not as an act of kindness.

But as an act of patriotic repatriation.

The dealer.

Whose name is Alfredo Jerry.

Does what any responsible art dealer would do in this situation.

He replies politely and contacts the authorities immediately.

Soon,

A meeting is arranged in Florence.

At the Hotel Tripoli Italia,

Which is not known for its connection to Renaissance masterwork.

The man arrives.

He opens a wooden trunk inside the trunk.

Wrapped in a blanket.

Is a wooden panner.

On the panel.

Is a woman.

She is sitting down.

Her hands are folded.

Her smile is the same as ever.

The painting is authenticated.

By the director of the Uffizi Gallery.

Giovanni Poggi,

Who,

Upon seeing it,

Reportedly said something along the lines of,

Yes,

That's He was probably more technical about it,

But the sentiment stands.

The thief is revealed to be Vincenzo Perugia,

An Italian handyman and sometime museum worker.

His motivations are not entirely clear.

He claims he stole the painting to return it to Italy,

Believing incorrectly that Napoleon had taken it.

In truth.

It had arrived in France some 300 years before Napoleon.

But historical accuracy is not always a key motivator when hiding fine art in a trunk.

Perugia had stolen the painting by hiding it in a broom cupboard overnight,

Donning a white smock like the museum's workers,

And walking out with the Mona Lisa under his arm.

He kept her in his apartment for two years.

Inside a false bottom of a trunk.

Alongside items of lesser cultural value,

Such as socks.

Upon his arrest.

Perugia is tried and sentenced to a short prison term,

Just over a year.

Many Italians regard him not as a criminal,

But as a kind of folk hero.

The painting is kept in Italy briefly,

Exhibited to crowds in Florence and Rome.

Then,

In early January of 1914,

She is returned quietly.

And with full ceremony to the Louvre Museum in Paris.

She is placed back on her wall.

She is given a bit more security.

And from that moment on she is never Not even briefly.

Ignore it again.

Part 12.

In which the painting returns to the wall and does not leave again for quite some time.

It is January 1914.

And the Mona Lisa is back in the Louvre.

She is returned without fanfare.

Although there are probably officials nearby in decorative hats.

The painting is rehung on the wall,

Slightly higher than before,

And this time with a discreet velvet rope in front of it.

A measure introduced not for protection,

But simply to suggest that it is now somewhat more important.

She is the same painting.

Her dimensions have not changed.

Her expression has not altered.

But something around her has shifted.

Before the set.

She was admired.

After the self.

She is famous.

People now queue to see her.

Tourists bring pamphlets.

Schoolchildren are brought in rows.

Guides gesture politely.

Academics begin using the word iconic.

A quiet expression,

Once only lightly commented on,

Now appears on postcards,

Hand mirrors,

Biscuit tins,

And theatre posters.

No one asks her how she feels about this and she offers no opinion.

For the next 25 years,

She remains in the Louvre.

The museum continues its usual routine.

Sweeping Guarding.

Polishing.

And rehanging works that are less frequently stolen.

The Mona Lisa stays where she is placed.

She receives occasional cleanings.

And even more occasional letters from strangers who are convinced she is looking at them specifically.

And in.

As the world begins to shift again.

So does her location.

But only temporarily and only under the firmest supervision.

Part 13.

In which a war begins and the painting is packed away like fine china.

In 1939.

As Europe begins to rearrange itself in alarming ways,

The curators at the Louvre Museum begin planning for the possibility that some of their more important items might soon get into a bit of bother.

Among these items is the Mona Lisa,

Who,

As always,

Has made no demands about her own safety,

But is nonetheless deemed significant enough to move.

She is removed from the wall.

The rope is taken down.

The public is not informed.

She is placed in a specially constructed wooden case.

Padded.

Fitted to her exact size.

And designed for travel.

This case is then placed into another case.

And in some instances that case is labelled with deliberately vague information such as equipment or agricultural tools This is not intended to be poetic.

It is intended to confuse anyone who might open it,

Looking for treasure.

In September 1939,

Shortly after the outbreak of World War II.

She is carried out of the museum in a small convoy.

According to records,

Her first destination is the Château de Chambord,

A large building in the French countryside with high ceilings,

Thick walls,

And not a lot of war.

From there.

She is moved again.

And again.

Over the course of the war,

The Mona Lisa is relocated at least five times.

Always wrapped.

Box.

And transported under cover of night.

Often in the company of other important paintings,

Who are also trying very hard to remain calm.

At various points.

She is hidden in the Chateau de Louvigny.

The Abbey of Loc Dieu.

And other secure locations.

In some of these places,

She is stored in a wine cellar.

And others.

She is placed behind sandbags,

Which is not glamorous but effective.

During this entire period,

The painting remains unmarked.

Your surface does not flake.

Her panel does not work.

He does not express distress.

Eventually,

As the war ends and France is liberated,

The Mona Lisa is returned to the Louvre.

She is,

For the first time in many years,

Hung again in public.

Rope is installed once more.

A small plaque is updated.

She has survived a world war by sitting in boxes and saying nothing.

This is generally considered a triumph.

Part 14.

In which the Mona Lisa goes to America and is stared at by a million people.

It is 1962 and the Mona Lisa is about to make her first and only trip to the United States.

The arrangement is political.

French President Charles de Gaulle agrees to lend the painting to the US as a gesture of goodwill.

The Americans are thrilled.

The Louvre is less thrilled,

But prepares accordingly.

A special craze is built.

Airtight,

Shockproof,

Waterproof and generally panic-resistant.

The painting is insured for 100 million dollars,

Though this is largely symbolic,

As there is actually no way to replace it.

For the journey,

She is escorted by guards,

Curators,

And what is described as an expert in vibration.

She travels by ship,

Not plane.

Specifically on the SS France,

In a state room fitted with climate controls and a gently suspicious number of soft cushions.

She arrives first in Washington,

D.

C.

Where she is displayed at the National Gallery of Art.

Is mounted in a temperature-controlled case and placed behind bulletproof glass.

Visitors queue for hours.

The cues are orderly.

Some wear gloves.

The gallery staff install velvet ropes and discreet signs asking guests not to press their noses against the glass.

Among the first to view the painting are President John F.

Kennedy and First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy,

Who had personally championed the idea of the painting's visit.

They stand quietly in front of it,

Smiling faintly.

Though not quite as faintly as she does.

Then the painting travels to New York,

Where she is shown at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Again.

People line up.

More than a million people come to see her.

The average viewing time is estimated at 15 seconds.

It is by all accounts a success.

At no point does the painting move.

At no point does the painting express concern.

After the tour,

She is carefully re-graced,

Re-insured.

And reshipped back to France,

Where she is placed back in the Louvre.

This time behind even thicker glass.

With even more velvet rope.

And with a new sense of being internationally recognisable.

From this moment on.

The Mona Lisa is no longer just a Renaissance portrait.

She is a celebrity.

Assemble.

Occasionally.

A punchline.

Part 15.

In which the Mona Lisa reaches the 21st century.

And is photographed endlessly without ever changing expression.

It is now the 21st century.

And the Mona Lisa is still where she was last left.

In the loo.

In Paris.

Find thick glass.

Under soft lighting.

And in front of several hundred people holding smartphones above their heads She hangs in the Saal des Etat,

A large climate-controlled room,

Redesigned specifically for her.

The room contains other paintings,

Some of which are by major artists and the size of buses,

But they are mostly ignored.

Visitors file in,

Raise their phones,

Look at the screen rather than the painting,

And take a photo they could easily find online in higher resolution.

Then they move on.

Security is now permanent.

She is protected by bulletproof glass,

Motion detectors,

Barriers,

Cameras,

And the accumulated goodwill of the French government.

She is no longer merely observed.

She is managed.

Over the past two decades.

She has been the target of various gestures,

Most of them harmless.

A teacup was once thrown at the glass.

A cake,

Disguised in a wheelchair,

Was smeared on it in protest.

Neither of these events harmed the painting,

And both of them made the news for about a day.

The Mona Lisa did not respond.

There are now replicas of her in every imaginable format.

T-shirts,

Shopping bags,

Puzzles.

Mousepads Ironic memes.

Perfume ads Kitchen aprons and temporary tattoos.

There are Mona Lisas with sunglasses,

Moustaches,

Chewing gum.

Speech bubbles and cat ears.

None of these are official.

All of them are persistent.

Still.

The painting endures.

It does not appear.

It does not fade.

It does not blink.

And every day more than 20,

000 people come to see her.

Not because she moves.

Or sings.

Or it does anything in particular.

But because,

After more than 500 years,

She is still sitting there.

Looking back.

Exactly the way she always has.

Quietly.