Are you afraid to say no because you're afraid it'll make other people mad?
That's what I'm talking about.
Why saying no feels impossible,
Especially in codependency,
And how you can start.
But if you're new,
My name's Michelle Ferris.
I'm a psychotherapist,
And I love helping people create relationships that work.
So if you struggle with being big hearted,
Being a people pleaser,
Codependency,
Saying no can feel really uncomfortable.
And you might even find yourself avoiding it because you're used to putting someone else's needs ahead of your own.
Maybe you don't want to disappoint them or you're afraid that they're going to get mad at you and you definitely don't want to appear selfish.
So you say yes.
But every time you say yes,
When you really mean no,
You're giving away a piece of yourself.
Because you start to feel invisible in these relationships because it's never about you It's always about what's best for them now in codependency We think our job is to make other people happy and put their needs ahead of ours Because we think that's going to make the relationship work when actually it does the reverse it creates a one-sided relationship where all of their needs are met but yours aren't because you're not advocating for yourself and you need that to have a mutually beneficial relationship.
So when someone asks you for a favor,
Is your first thought,
Oh,
Will they be mad at me?
Are they going to be disappointed?
Are they going to think I'm selfish?
That's where the people-pleasing shows up.
So we say yes,
Hoping to keep the peace,
Hoping to make the other person happy,
But you're probably ignoring your own needs in the process.
And that's very different than a healthy yes.
A healthy yes is when you consciously want to give,
Not being afraid of what'll happen if you don't.
So there are several reasons why people who struggle with codependency and people-pleasing have trouble saying no.
And then later in the video I'm going to talk about how you can start to say no.
So the first reason is you say yes to avoid conflict.
This is probably the most common one because let's face it,
Conflict is scary,
Especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional family where you learned codependent patterns.
You learned that your needs weren't important and to stay safe you had to take care of others and put their needs ahead of yours.
So when your partner asks you to go out and you're exhausted instead of saying you know I'm really tired tonight you say sure I'll go and then you resent it because eventually saying yes when you mean no leads to resentment every time because you're literally ignoring what your own needs are for the sake of the other person.
The next reason you say yes is that you can't tolerate someone being disappointed with you.
Maybe they give you a certain look or they get quiet and question you about your boundaries.
If their response makes you change your answer from a no to a yes,
Then it's probably a sign of codependency because everybody has a right to say no.
That's part of self-care.
That's not mean.
That's not selfish.
But you might start saying to yourself,
Well,
Maybe I should just do it.
It's not that big a deal.
I may as well just keep the peace.
So instead of allowing the other person to feel disappointed,
You step in and rescue them and you prevent them from having their feelings.
And when you're codependent,
It's really hard not to take responsibility for everybody else's feelings because you think it's your job.
But that's part of recovery is to unlearn that behavior and start thinking more about yourself.
Because codependent people really can't be selfish.
Their natural inclination is to give 120%.
And somebody being disappointed in you doesn't mean you made a bad decision or that you did something wrong.
And that's one of the reasons why setting boundaries and saying no is challenging,
Because we have to be able to tolerate somebody else's reaction and not take it personally.
So another reason why you may be saying yes is that childhood experiences taught you that saying no wasn't safe.
So maybe you grew up in a family where you had to help.
Saying no wasn't an option.
You were expected to be helpful,
Agreeable,
And to have needs or express a difference opinion was threatening because that was considered difficult.
Maybe you had an unpredictable parent where you had to pay really close attention to their moods in order to stay safe.
So you learned never to say no or express a different opinion because it opened you up to be mistreated.
You also could have learned that if mom and dad are upset,
It's your job to fix it.
You have to stop what you're doing and make them feel better.
And that's part of what happens in dysfunctional families.
And that's also what breeds codependent behavior.
Your adult self may understand that you have a right to say no,
But that child part of you feels trapped in saying yes.
Because that's how you can stay safe and feel like you have some value in your relationships.
Because saying no opens you up to conflict.
And sometimes when we have a lot of trauma in our past,
We can't risk that.
That's why codependency recovery is a process of growth that happens over time.
Over several years.
It's not something you can do in a matter of weeks.
So another reason you may be saying yes is that you assume the worst even before anything has happened.
So maybe you need to cancel plans with someone,
But before you say anything,
You think,
Oh my God,
What if they're super mad at me and they stop wanting to be my friend?
You immediately go to the worst case scenario instead of,
You know what,
Most likely they're just going to be disappointed.
This often goes back to childhood where the worst did happen.
So it's really easy to carry those assumptions into our our adult life and assume the worst?
Because most of the time,
The answer is probably no.
There is no evidence and that's what can help you move past this,
Is to give yourself that reality check.
So I want you to ask yourself,
Has this person ever gotten abusive when you've tried to set a boundary?
Have they ever made you feel super guilty?
Because if the answers are no,
Then you're most likely just assuming the worst in the moment.
And that's totally understandable,
But that's something you can change.
Another reason you say yes is because somebody's hurting.
And this is a tough one,
Especially if you have a big heart.
You don't want to see anybody hurting.
And if you feel like it's your job to fix that for someone else,
You're dipping into codependent behavior.
But there's a difference between helping someone because you genuinely want to help them and helping because you feel responsible for their pain.
Maybe you told somebody that you can't spend time with them and they're really disappointed.
And instead of saying,
I totally understand that you're disappointed,
But I really need to take care of myself this weekend,
You cave in and immediately change your plans.
But here's the thing,
You can show that you care without actually saying yes all the time.
There are other ways to show support.
You don't have to drop everything for the other person.
You could even write down,
What are five other things I could do to show support other than what they're asking me to do?
Because sometimes we just need to feel like we're being helpful in a way that works for us,
Not against us.
Another reason you might be saying yes is to control the situation.
Maybe your partner is really upset at you and gets angry when you say no or set a boundary.
And you think,
If I just do what they want,
They'll get off my back.
I'll just say,
Sure,
I'll do whatever you want.
But really,
You're doing it to try to control or change the situation,
Not to actually be your authentic self.
Because when you can't say no,
The relationship is gonna become one-sided,
Where it's much more in their favor than it is yours.
And I never recommend that,
Because that's really hard to maintain without getting super resentful on the back end.
So,
How do you start saying no?
The first thing I want you to do is pause.
Whenever somebody asks you,
You something,
Take,
Say,
Two deep breaths.
Give yourself a minute,
Because if you're codependent or a people pleaser,
You are automatically gonna say yes without even thinking about it.
And you wanna create that pause.
So next I want you to ask yourself,
Do I really want to do this?
And if your body is screaming no,
Maybe you have a stomachache,
Maybe you have a gut punch,
Maybe you have a thought that says I really don't want to do this.
I want you to honor it because that's how you're going to get better at setting boundaries,
To just honor that you know what,
I don't want to do this.
Even if you're not ready to say no in the moment,
Just honoring that inside yourself is a start.
Now the next thing you need to do is create some simple phrases to say no that you feel good about.
One of them could be,
I'm not able to do that,
Or that doesn't work for me,
Or I can do this,
But not this.
Let them know what you can do.
I can help you for two hours.
I just can't do the whole day.
That can be a really good compromise.
Ask yourself,
Is there a way I could do part of it,
But not all of it?
Another great thing to say is,
I need some time to check my calendar.
Can I get back to you tomorrow?
By the time you get back to them tomorrow,
You'll probably know for sure whether or not you really want to do it.
And if they're disappointed,
Let them.
Let them have their feelings because most likely they've said no to you.
So why not give yourself that same permission without feeling bad?
Now another way to do it is you could just say,
You know what?
I'm really trying to practice saying no more in my life because I'm having a hard time.
I hope you can understand this,
But this is my first attempt.
At practicing saying no.
I hope you can support me in that.
You can totally do that.
I've done that.
And most of the time,
The other person is super receptive because you're letting them know what's going on for you.
Because healthy relationships are give and take.
And that includes being able to say yes and being able to say no.
Because when you can't do that,
Your relationship isn't going to be healthy.
And I don't want that for you.
Thanks so much.
