How To Know If You're In A Codependent Friendship

What is a codependent friendship (signs of a one sided friendship). In this video you will learn how to heal a codependent friendship. Any relationship can be codependent whether it's a romantic relationship, a relationship with a family member or even a friendship. Learn here with me!

Transcript

What is a codependent friendship? That's what we're going to talk about today because codependency can impact all of our relationships, Not just romantic ones or relationships with family members. It can definitely impact our friendships. But first, If you're new here, My name is Michelle Ferris. I'm a psychotherapist and I love helping people create healthy relationships without sacrificing their big hearts. So what is a codependent friendship? Well, It's based on a few different signs. And the first one is it's basically an unhealthy connection where you're depending too much on that other person for love, Validation, Even your own happiness. So there's a real unhealthy dependency that develops in codependent friendships. And because of that they tend to be more intense and even have an addictive-like quality because the codependent person sees other people as their answer. We want to stay connected and I say we because I'm also a recovering codependent and I totally understand this stuff so I'm right there with you. Now the other aspect of codependent relationship is that you are putting a lot more into the relationship or the friendship than the other person is. Real key sign that there's an imbalance there and that's what we want to look at because if we can identify what relationships are codependent, Especially in our friendships, That's the first sign in actually healing them. But first, I'm gonna share two different stories in my own life on two friendships. One of them I was able to keep and the other one crashed and burned. If you're the codependent person like me, You're the person that tends to look to your friends as your lifeline, Okay? We tend to be overly dependent on others for that approval and that love and that support. If you're the non-codependent friend, You're the one that probably feels smothered or engulfed by the friendship. Because when we're friends with the codependent person and you're not codependent, You tend to find that it's too much for you. And if you have any type of codependency yourself, It's going to be harder to say something and speak up because you don't want to hurt their feelings and you may have some people-pleasing going on. Receiving end of it is that you may feel like they're pet project. You may feel like you're the one that they're trying to fix and it can get really annoying. Okay, This can also be the addict or alcoholic that's really functional or somewhat functional but they feel like they're being rescued versus actually having a healthy friendship. So my first lesson I want to share with you is with one of my oldest friends and in one weekend this was probably about 20 years ago. I called her six times and she was understandably pretty upset and she let me know on Monday that it was not okay that I called her that many times. I had left six messages. She didn't pick up for any of them and I had no clue. My heart was breaking about something and I just kept calling because I needed her. I needed that support but I had no clue that I was pretty much dishonoring her boundaries by doing that and it took me years to to recognize that. So part of what saved that relationship was her actually speaking up and letting me know that it wasn't okay what I did. And that was a turning point for me because even though I wasn't really willing to look at my codependency to a large degree at that point, It was enough of a shock because she meant so much to me that I had to back off. And it took years for me to look at how needy I was in my friendships with women. And that was a really, Really hard process to do it because friendships with women can get really intense. But that was a huge turning point for me to recognize that I had to back off. And even though I didn't do a great job of it at the time, It was enough that I was able to preserve that friendship. And over time, We've really deepened the friendship because of my recovery and because of her willingness to speak up. That was a huge turning point for me. Now the next lesson I had was definitely more painful and this was about five years ago. I had started a new friendship and I was in a totally different place. I had a lot of codependency recovery under my belt at the time. I had a pretty strong sense of self, I thought. And I started the friendship gradually because another thing that when you're in a codependent friendship. A telltale sign is often that you get connected really quickly. And it's not necessarily a healthy thing because we thrive off of that connection and that gets addictive. So instead of really interviewing the person and seeing if you're compatible, You kind of smack together and you become fast friends before you really know and can trust the person. And I didn't do that this time. I had gradually become friends with this person. Was lovely. But one of the first red flags that I missed was she told me once she said she didn't really like a lot of connection. And I was totally opposite of that. I wanted a ton of connection. And even in my recovery, I heard that enough to pause. And so I was very mindful to not call her more than she called me. And I had to really pull myself back because I didn't want to do that again. I knew that that was a pattern I had of over contacting people. So when she said that, It was a really good thing that I heard it. So we continued the friendship for, I don't know, Maybe four or five years. And without warning, She sent me a letter and she said was feeling suffocated and she was really unhappy with the friendship. And I was shocked at the time. It took me a long time to understand that the same thing happened only at a different level. It was really hard for me. And what was hard for me was that I didn't recognize that I was slowly losing myself again. And I didn't realize that until she broke off the friendship. Because I went in a pretty dark place for a while and a lot of intense grieving. But what I was really grieving was I had lost myself again in a friendship. And that was a huge wake-up call because she had become like a sister to me and we talked several times a week. And because there was back and forth and each of us called the other, I thought it was healthy. But there were definitely some signs I missed along the way, Like that first comment that I could have explored with her and said, Hey, Okay, So how much contact do you typically like in friendship? That's one of the things if I could have done differently, I would have done that. I would have asked that question. Because a healthy friendship is based on mutual boundaries and respect. And I didn't really check that out with her. I just kind of ran with it because I thought it was working. You know, That's the hard thing about recovery is that it's messy. And, You know, Five years ago, It was a really humbling lesson for me to realize that that relationship had crashed and burned in such a big way. And it totally took me by surprise. But at the same time, It was one of the best lessons I ever learned because I, Again, Had to go back to my recovery and really work on deepening that connection with myself. Because codependent friendships flourish because we don't have a strong sense of and because we look to other people for our happiness rather than to ourselves. So that was a huge wake-up call for me. And if you're relating to this in any way, I just want to tell you, You are not alone, Especially with women. I think women friendships can be really intense and they can be really dysfunctional if we're not careful and we don't have good boundaries and we don't honor and respect and stay awake to what the other person needs. You know, Those were really valuable lessons for me. Okay, Take care.