So in today's video,
I'm going to talk about the three primary elements of codependency recovery.
So you know exactly what you should be doing in order to recover because I don't know about you,
But for me,
The process was super confusing when I started because there wasn't a lot of roadmaps out there and that's what I'm going to give you today.
But first,
What is codependency?
Codependency is basically a pattern of behavior where you sacrifice yourself for others and become overly dependent on them for your love and validation.
Basically because you don't know how to give that to yourself.
So you're very other focused.
You may not have a strong sense of self and you definitely have trouble trusting yourself.
So the process of recovery involves,
As you would imagine,
Quite a bit.
So let's get started.
So there's three primary elements.
The first one is befriending yourself.
The second one is assessing your relationships.
And the third one is family of origin issues.
So we're going to break each one down.
So the first one is befriending yourself.
This basically means that you are learning how to take the focus off of other people and put it back on to you.
And that doesn't mean you're not going to give,
It just means you're going to give to yourself first.
So there's a very basic shift that needs to happen where instead of looking at what you can do for others,
You're going to ask yourself,
What do I need first?
Because then you're going to be able to give from a more conscious,
Healthy place instead of always putting your needs last.
Another aspect of befriending yourself is improving your self-esteem and part of how we do that is focusing on what we do well.
What are our good qualities?
What do people around us appreciate?
Because in order for us to build our self-esteem,
It can't be just about our accomplishments.
It also has to be about who we are and how we are uniquely special because I guarantee that you are.
The last aspect of befriending yourself is learning how to develop self-trust.
Because if you're codependent,
You probably have trouble trusting your own perceptions.
And often that goes back to childhood.
So in recovery,
We really want to start validating our own perceptions,
Learning how to develop our intuition and listen to it.
Because we all have it,
We just have to pay more close attention to it.
Now,
The second element of codependency recovery is assessing your relationships.
And this means honestly looking at your relationships?
Are they healthy?
Are they mutually satisfying even a little bit?
Or do you have some relationships that you need to start detaching from or letting go of completely?
And this is challenging because as codependent people,
We love to be in a relationship.
So it's hard to look at our relationships honestly,
But that's part of the work.
It doesn't mean you have to let them go.
It just means you're inventorying what's working,
What isn't,
What could be improved.
And of course,
We always want to do this for what we can do differently,
Not what they can do differently,
Because that is part of codependency recovery,
Is to always bring the focus back on what we can do,
Not trying to get other people to change.
Another aspect of assessing your relationships is learning some really important relationship skills,
Like setting boundaries,
When to say no,
When to practice detachment,
Which basically means removing yourself from a situation and letting the other person have their consequences.
You don't have to necessarily get in there and give advice or fix it.
There are other ways you can show support because what we're doing here is improving our relationship skills.
Another aspect of that is learning how to work through your resentments and making amends to yourself or others.
So another aspect of this is inventorying and healing codependent behaviors.
So we're always in the process of looking at where is my codependent showing up,
Not in a punitive way to punish ourselves,
But in a way that allows more healing.
Because when we can identify what isn't working,
We're that much closer to the solution.
So when you notice that you're people-pleasing or you're always saying yes when you mean no,
Then that's the behavior you want to start targeting in your recovery.
Now the third element of codependency recovery is family of origin issues.
And this one almost always requires the help of a family.
Therapist or coach because this is where we dive into more personal childhood issues like trauma,
Abuse,
Relationship with family members that may or may not be toxic,
And deciding how much contact,
If any,
You want today because that too will change in the process of recovery.
I always support people trying to keep their family relationships as much as possible with healthy boundaries so that you're always protected.
And this also means we have to look at our expectations.
Maybe some family members aren't meant to be in our life or our inner circle,
And that's okay.
But finding ways to stay connected to your family in a way that works for you is definitely part of recovery.
We also want to look at where our codependency started.
Did it start in childhood?
Did it start with a marriage or our children?
When did it start to take form?
Because most of the time it goes back to childhood.
And it goes into dysfunctional family dynamics.
And at some point in your recovery,
That's going to be really valuable.
Now,
Here's the thing with these three elements.
You get to pick which one you start with.
Because for me,
In codependency recovery,
I always encourage my clients to focus on where you're the most motivated.
And in codependency,
I find that most people are really motivated to tackle their relationships.
Because that's where they want the most recovery,
At least at first.
But if childhood issues are really getting in the way of you having healthy relationships,
Then absolutely start there.
Or if your self-esteem is super low and that's really preventing you from having relationships,
That too can be your starting point.
Because codependency recovery is highly individual.
You get to set up whatever that looks like.
Some people want to wait to do therapy because it's too intimidating and others may join Allen Honor Coda as an extra form of support which I always highly recommend because when we're talking about personal growth especially codependency recovery,
This is not something I recommend doing in isolation.
It's definitely more helpful with support,
Like friends who are also doing this work,
Finding groups that deal with these issues,
A trusted therapist,
Those people you want on your team,
Because doing codependency recovery is not something you're going to do in a couple of weeks.
I know a lot of codependent people are super achievers.
So sometimes they come in and they think they're going to just get this all down quickly.
And then they learn the hard way that codependency recovery is a long process.
I myself have been in it for over 30 years,
And I have much more realistic expectations today because I know that there's no quick fix.
But one day at a time,
We keep learning.
And even when we feel like we're making mistakes or we're not doing very well in our recovery,
That too is part of the process because recovery is not linear.
It's not gonna look like this it's gonna look like this up and down up and down and Honestly,
The biggest mistakes I've made in my codependency recovery have become the biggest gifts because that's when we're most motivated when something really hits us the wrong way or I make a big boo-boo and I learn from it and that's what I really want to help you see is the joy of is letting yourself make mistakes,
Letting yourself do it at your own pace.
This is not a race.
You do not need to be at a certain level at a certain time.
Let yourself have the gift of doing your recovery your way.
That's what I want to support you with.
And I hope this video has been helpful.
Thanks so much.
