What Is A Boundary?

A segment from the Grounded Man course

What Is a Boundary?

Most men think boundaries are about walls to keep people out, or ultimatums to force change in someone else. They're not.

A boundary isn't about controlling what someone else does. It's about knowing what you will and won't accept, and having the clarity to act on it, regardless of how the other person responds.

In this teaching, I break down what a boundary actually is, why most men never learned to set one, and why confusing boundaries with control keeps you stuck in resentment instead of respect.

This is part of the work I teach inside The Grounded Man. More on my profile if you want to go deeper.

Transcript

So let's start by clearing up what boundaries are because most people get this wrong. A boundary is not a rule you impose on someone else. It's a commitment you make to yourself about what you will and won't tolerate. So let me say that again. To make this as clear as possible, Boundaries are about you, Not them. A boundary is not about, You need to stop doing X. Our boundary is when x happens I will do y. So here's some examples of what boundaries are not. You can't talk to me like that. You need to respect my time, Or. . . You have to change your behavior. Controls are demands, They are attempts to control someone else and they don't work because you can't control another person. The only person you can control, As we're aware, Is yourself. Yes, Exactly, Yourself. Here's what actual boundaries sound like. I'm not available for conversations where I'm being yelled at. If that happens, I'll leave the room until we can talk calmly. I need my mornings to myself to reset. I won't be available for conversations or plans before 9am. If you continue to criticize me in front of other people, I'll address it privately and reconsider how much time we spend together. Clear difference there on all of those examples. You're not telling them what you'll do, You're telling them what you will do. You're taking responsibility of your own experience. Boundaries are also not. A wall says you can't get close to me. I don't trust you. A boundary says I trust myself and protect what matters to me. While still saying open to you They're not punishment. A boundary is not a way to get back at someone or teach them a lesson. It's a way to honor yourself. They're also not rigid ultimatums that you're imposing on people. Boundaries can be flexible. They can evolve. What's not negotiable for you in one season might shift in another. The point of that is you're clear about what you need right now. Here's the definition I want you to remember. A boundary is a clear statement of what you need to feel safe, Respected and aligned and what you'll do if that need isn't met. That's it. Not a weapon, Not a wall, Just sheer clarity. Sorry to cut that short, There's a lot more of snippets just like this in the Grounded Man program, But now's a great time to ask yourself the question, Where does this actually occur in my life? That's where the work really begins. So check out The Grounded Man on my profile and hopefully I'll see you soon.