Have you ever noticed how quickly your peas can be dependent on something outside of you?
Someone's tone changes.
A friend doesn't respond to a text.
Your partner seems distant.
Your boss is unhappy with you.
Something at work isn't going the way you need it to.
And suddenly your attention is no longer with you.
It's out there.
What are they thinking?
Did I do something wrong?
How do I fix this?
What needs to happen so I can feel okay again.
Hi,
I'm John.
I'm an energy healing practitioner.
And I've come to think of this as outsourcing our peace.
I did this for much of my life.
I outsource my peace to relationships,
To other people's approval,
To authority figures,
To my job.
To outcomes and really to almost anything or anyone I believe needed to be different before I could be okay.
And I didn't recognize that that was what I was doing.
Sometimes I thought I was being caring,
Responsible,
Helpful.
Sometimes I thought I was simply trying to solve a problem.
But underneath some of it was something much deeper.
I needed something outside of me to change before something inside of me could settle.
And for me,
I think some of this began very early.
When we're children,
Our relationships with the adults around us really do matter to our safety.
If the people we depend upon are unpredictable,
Emotionally unavailable,
Or drinking,
Angry,
Overwhelmed.
Fighting with each other.
Or simply unable to be with our feelings,
We may become very attentive to what's happening around us.
What's the mood in the room?
Is everything okay?
Is mom okay?
Is dad okay?
Did I do something wrong?
What version of this person am I going to get?
What do I need to do or not do to keep things okay?
And that can be an incredibly intelligent adaptation.
Maybe we become quiet.
Helpful.
Responsible.
Easy.
Maybe we learn how to read a room before anyone says a word.
Maybe we become the peacekeeper.
And then we grow up.
But that orientation toward the outside world can come with us.
And as adults,
It might look like people pleasing or codependency.
Someone is upset with us and we immediately need to fix it.
Someone pulls away and our nervous system becomes activated.
We need reassurance.
Some indication that everything is okay again.
But I don't think this only happens in our closest relationships.
I did it with work too.
A boss could be unhappy or an authority figure could make a decision that I thought was wrong.
Something could happen that felt unfair.
And my peace became dependent upon getting the situation resolved.
Getting someone to understand.
Getting recognition.
Getting the right outcome.
And I was a very good prosecutor.
I could prepare the entire case in my mind.
I could anticipate what they were going to say,
Construct my response,
And gather the evidence,
Make the argument,
And rehearse the whole thing.
For hours,
And sometimes those hours became days or weeks.
That conversation might not even be happening anymore.
But the case was still being tried inside of me.
And I didn't only do this at work.
I could build a case around a relationship or a friendship.
Something someone said or didn't say.
A decision somebody made.
A response I was waiting for.
Anywhere I felt misunderstood,
Rejected,
Unseen,
Treated unfairly,
Or uncertain about where I stood.
And that same machinery could start working.
I thought I was solving a problem.
But looking back,
I can see that much of the time I was also trying to solve what I was feeling.
If I could make the case well enough,
If I could.
Get them to understand.
If I could get the right response.
If I could get the right outcome.
Then maybe I could finally settle.
Different people,
Different circumstances.
Same underlying equation.
Something out there needs to change before I can be okay in here.
And I think this is where the nervous system becomes very important.
Because intellectually,
We may know that another person is allowed to be disappointed with us.
We may know that we can't control our boss.
We may know that someone might misunderstand us.
We may know that we may never receive the apology or recognition,
Response,
Or outcome that we want.
And yet our body can still become activated.
Our chest tightens,
Our stomach turns,
Or our mind starts racing.
And we feel the impulse.
Fix,
Explain,
Defend,
Appease,
Control,
Do something.
And I've had to learn that sometimes the first thing I need to do isn't out there.
It's in here.
I used the sentence in another video that has stayed with me.
I leave myself to manage you because managing you feels safer than staying with me.
But I've realized that you can be almost anything.
Another person,
A relationship,
A boss,
A workplace,
An authority figure.
And outcome.
And sometimes I left myself trying to manage an entire situation.
And all of my attention went toward making the outside world become what I needed it to be because trying to change what was happening outside of me often felt safer than staying with what was happening inside of me.
Maybe I was afraid.
Maybe I felt rejected or abandoned.
Maybe I felt powerless or unseen.
Maybe something happening in the present was touching something much older.
And rather staying with those feelings,
I went to work on the outside world.
I try to get my peace back from there.
And there's an important distinction here.
Coming back to ourselves doesn't mean we stop caring about other people.
It doesn't mean we tolerate mistreatment,
And it doesn't mean we become passive.
Sometimes there really is something to do.
We may need to apologize,
Have a conversation,
Set a boundary.
Advocate for ourselves.
Or leave a situation that is harming us.
The difference for me is that I'm becoming more able to notice what's happening inside of me before deciding what I need to do outside of me.
Because being affected by another person or situation is human.
But making that person or situation responsible for restoring my internal equilibrium is something different.
And that has been a profound shift in my own healing.
I can notice the pull.
Go fix it,
Go explain,
Make them understand.
Find out what they're thinking.
Let the situation resolve.
And instead of immediately following that poll,
I can sometimes stop.
And come back to my body.
Feel what's actually happening in me.
And stay with myself.
And then decide whether there is actually something for me to do.
And sometimes there is.
Sometimes there isn't.
But either way,
I'm no longer making my peace entirely dependent upon what happens next.
And before we finish,
I want to invite you to notice this in your own life.
Think of one person or one situation where.
You can feel your peace becoming dependent upon what happens outside of you.
Just bring it to mind.
And notice what happens in your body.
And you don't need to analyze it.
Don't need to fix anything.
Just notice.
And then sit with this one question.
What am I waiting for outside of myself before I can feel okay?
And you don't need to answer it right now.
You might journal with it later,
Or you might simply notice what it brings up.
And if something becomes clear for you,
You're welcome to share it in the comments.
Maybe part of healing is noticing all the places we've handed our peace away.
And slowly beginning to bring it home.
Not by caring less about other people.
Not by pretending the outside world doesn't matter.
But by abandoning ourselves less in order to manage it.
Thank you for joining me.
I'm John,
Take good care of yourself,
And I'll see you next time.
