Hi,
I'm John.
Welcome.
What you're about to hear is one of the most personal pieces I've ever written.
It's called The Life Waiting Beyond the Fight.
It's a reflection on survival,
Healing,
And the journey back to the truth of who we are,
Beyond the armor,
Beyond the performance,
Beyond the fear.
If you've ever felt stuck in old patterns,
If you've been trying to earn your worth or hold yourself together for too long,
This is for you.
I invite you to listen not just with your ears,
But with your whole self,
With your body,
Your breath,
Your heart.
Let the words meet you where they need to.
There was a time I thought life was meant to be survived.
Like if I could just stay ahead of the pain,
I'd win.
If I could prove myself,
Fix myself,
Earn my worth,
I'd finally be free.
But survival wasn't strength.
It was armor.
It was a child learning how to disappear in plain sight.
I wasn't broken.
I was buried beneath a lifetime of survival.
My fight didn't begin when I came out as gay.
It began in the womb.
My mother,
19 years old,
Already drinking.
My nervous system shaped by chaos before I had words.
Oldest of three,
Raised in instability.
Growing up in a world that taught me silence was safety.
For years I mistook tension for aliveness.
I confused overgiving for love.
I performed peace just to stay connected.
But the fight,
It never stopped.
Until one day it began to soften.
I remember being 22,
Dancing with Steven at the I-Beam.
He was in recovery,
Wore a tutu when he danced.
Lightness radiated off him like a song.
And one day over coffee he looked at me and said,
You always seem like you're stuck.
I didn't understand then.
But now,
I do.
He saw something in me I couldn't name.
The freeze.
The hold.
The survival locked in my bones.
Years passed and I kept surviving.
Even as I healed,
I clung to the familiar tension of proving,
Striving,
Reaching.
But the deeper I went,
The more I realized there is a life waiting beyond the fight.
Healing isn't an arrival.
It's a remembering.
It's an undoing of the stories I told myself to stay safe.
I don't feel stuck anymore.
I feel aligned.
Not because everything is perfect,
But because I'm finally in my body.
I'm finally letting myself feel.
Not the spiritual bypass of forgiveness I once learned,
But the truth of feeling first.
Letting the inner child speak,
Scream,
Be heard.
I don't need to fight to exist.
I have always had the right to be.
And now,
The sharp edges are softening.
There is breath.
There is space.
There is life.
So if you're listening,
Still armored,
Still proving,
Still clenching to be enough,
Know this.
There is a life waiting for you beyond the fight.
It's not out there.
It's in you.
You are not broken.
You are not too late.
You are just becoming.
And if you find yourself wondering how,
Start here.
Take a breath.
Place a hand on your heart and whisper gently to yourself,
I am still here.
I am still becoming.
Let the questions come.
Let the feelings come.
Let it all belong.
Because you are not alone in this.
Not in your forgetting.
Not in your remembering.
There is no failure.
There is only forgetting who you truly are.
So keep going.
Keep loving.
And keep walking toward the light.
We walk it together.
All of us.
Becoming.
Together.
Thank you for listening.
If something opened for you here,
Even just a little,
Honor that.
This is tender work,
Courageous work,
And you are already in it.
There is no need to rush or fix or force.
Your only task is to keep returning to yourself.
Gently.
Kindly.
Again and again.
If you'd like more reflections like this,
You can find more on my profile page.
Until then,
Be well,
Be whole,
And be exactly who you are becoming.
Namaste.
