Why Your Circumstances Are Not Actually Causing Your Stress

Unlike anxiety,

You usually know exactly why you're stressed.

The workload is too heavy.

The deadline is too close.

There's too much to do and definitely not enough time and everyone seems to need something from you all at once.

Stress isn't mysterious,

It has a name and a face,

And usually a very long to-do list that's attached to it.

And that's actually what makes it so hard to let go of,

Because in some ways,

The stress that we feel is justified.

My name is Lisa,

And today I want to talk to you about something that most people never really consider when it comes to stress.

And that's the story that we tell ourselves about it all the time.

Here's what I mean.

Most of us have been conditioned to believe that stress is simply the natural result of having a lot on our plate.

And that if we're busy and overwhelmed,

Stress is just the price that we pay.

We wear it almost like a badge.

I'm so stressed becomes shorthand for I'm working hard.

I'm in demand.

I'm doing important things.

And because we've linked stress to productivity,

We never really question whether we have to feel this way at all.

But here's what research actually is telling us.

Stress is not caused by your circumstances,

It's caused by your relationship to your circumstances.

Two people can face the exact same workload,

The exact same pressure,

The exact same deadline,

And one of them will be completely overwhelmed and one of them will feel challenged but capable.

The difference really isn't the situation,

It's the meaning that they're making out of it.

So that might sound frustrating to hear,

But because it's really much easier to believe that the stress is coming from out there,

From your job,

Your family,

Your schedule,

Really then to consider that it might be coming from in here.

But that's actually good news because you can always change your circumstance and what's out there,

But you can always work on your relationship to them.

The biggest driver of stress is the feeling that what's being demanded of you exceeds what you're capable of handling.

And that gap that's between what's required and what you believe you have is where stress lives.

And notice that I said what you believe that you have,

Because most of the time the gap isn't as wide as it feels.

Stress distorts our perception of our own capability.

It makes the pile look bigger and our resources look smaller than they actually are.

So one of the most powerful things that you can do in a moment of stress is just pause and ask yourself,

Is this actually as unmanageable as it feels right now?

Not to dismiss what you're dealing with,

But to get an accurate picture instead of a stress-filtered one.

Because stressed brain and calm brain are looking at the same situation and seeing very different things.

The other thing that I wanted you to consider is this,

That stress thrives in the gap between where you are and where you think you should be.

The should is almost always at the center of it.

So I should have done this already.

I should be handling this better.

I should be further along in this way.

That word should is worth paying attention to because it's really almost always a sign that you're measuring yourself against an expectation that may not be fair or realistic or even yours to begin with.

You are allowed to have a full life and still feel like a capable person inside it.

Stress is a signal worth listening to,

But it doesn't have to be a state that you live in.

So thanks for watching and I'll see you in the next video.