Uncovering True Desires: Aligning Goals With Your Self

In The Truth About What You Want, we explore the deeper layers of desire, fulfillment, and personal growth. Do you truly know what you want in life, or are your goals shaped by external influences and fleeting desires? In this episode, we dive into the psychology of wants, examining how we can uncover what we truly desire, rather than what we think we should want. This episode helps you explore your inner desires, challenge limiting beliefs, and align your goals with your authentic self. Tune in for practical insights, inspiring stories, and the tools to help you discover and pursue what you want—at the core of who you are.

Transcript

You know,

I've been thinking a lot about something that I feel we all deal with,

Something that holds us back even though we might not fully realise it.

Here's the thing,

We all experience pain,

Right?

And I'm not just talking about physical stuff like stubbing your toe or pulling a muscle.

It's deeper than that.

But the real question is,

What if suffering,

The emotional baggage we carry,

Is actually optional?

Think about that for a second.

Today we're diving into a topic that could be a total game changer for how you see yourself,

Your life and the challenges you face every day.

My goal for this episode is simple.

To show you how the stories we tell ourselves,

The narratives about who we are,

What we've been through and what we deserve,

Can actually trap us in cycles of guilt and shame.

But what's even more exciting?

You can break free from them,

Like completely free.

And I don't just mean in some abstract philosophical way.

I mean in a tangible heart-shifting,

Wake up tomorrow morning and feel different kind of way.

That's what we're talking about here today.

Quick reality check before we go deeper.

Have you ever felt like you're not doing enough?

Like no matter how hard you try or how much you do,

It feels like you're failing at something.

Maybe as a parent,

A partner,

In your job or just as a person.

If that sounds even a little bit like you,

Stick with me.

Because I think you'll resonate with what we're about to uncover.

I want to start with one big idea.

Pain is inevitable.

Suffering is optional.

Let me say that again.

Pain is going to happen.

It's part of being human.

You're going to run into moments that hurt.

But suffering,

The stories we attach to that pain,

That's something we can choose to let go of.

Yeah,

I know that can sound like a lot but hang in there with me because I'm going to explain exactly what I mean.

Here's a story I think might resonate.

You've probably heard of Viktor Frankl.

If you haven't,

Let me catch you up.

He was a holocaust survivor and a psychiatrist.

This man went through unimaginable pain yet he discovered something most of us miss during moments of struggle.

Frankl realised that even in the darkest of places no one could take away his ability to decide what meaning he gave to his experiences.

That was his freedom.

Let that sink in for a moment.

So what does that mean for us,

Right?

Well,

Pain is part of the deal.

No avoiding that.

Something happens.

You feel it.

Grief.

Disappointment.

Frustration.

It's human.

What Frankl showed us though is that suffering.

That inner fight against the situation.

That cycle of why me or it's all my fault.

That part doesn't have to come along for the ride.

It's optional.

And here's where we start to peel back the layers on something big.

Most of the time we're running on autopilot without even realising it.

We're constantly moving towards something we want or maybe away from something we don't.

But have you ever stopped to think about how wanting something is really just you declaring I don't have it?

I mean,

Let's pause there.

Wanting is a future-based emotion.

It's always tied to something outside of us.

Somewhere out there in the distant horizon.

And what does that create in us?

Lack.

This low-level signal playing over and over.

I'm missing something.

Let me make this personal.

Imagine someone close to you who's been through,

Let's say,

A rough time managing relationships.

I've had someone share with me how after losing a partner they couldn't shake this guilt.

This deep aching belief that if they'd just done something differently,

Been more patient,

Stronger,

More something,

That it wouldn't have happened.

But here's the kicker.

None of that guilt brought the person they lost back.

None of it healed their relationship with their kids.

And really none of it helped them move forward.

What it did do though was weigh on their shoulders every single day.

Guilt.

Suffering.

It has this way of and just setting up camp in your mind.

But here's a truth bomb we rarely stop to absorb.

Guilt and shame only exist when we've convinced ourselves we've done something wrong.

Think about that.

It's a container.

Like this box with a giant label that says you messed up.

But here's the beautiful twist.

If the container disappears so does the guilt.

Easier said than done,

Right?

Stick with me because we're going to unpack this in a way that I think will shift your perspective.

Now if you're following along or you might already be asking,

Okay then why do we get stuck?

Enter childhood conditioning.

I know,

I know,

It's easy to roll your eyes at the idea that everything goes back to when we were kids.

But let's sit with it for a second because this isn't some throwaway idea.

It's everything.

Between the ages of 2 and 17 our subconscious mind is basically a sponge.

It's soaking up every narrative,

Every belief and every judgment from the people around us.

And here's the kicker.

Most of those beliefs aren't even ours.

We just inherit them like family heirlooms we didn't ask for.

Here's a really impactful example and I think you're going to love this one.

Let's talk about Oprah Winfrey for a second.

If anyone knows about overcoming narratives it's her.

Oprah openly speaks about how she carried the weight of shame from her childhood,

Being told she wasn't enough.

But through self-reflection and inner work she realized that those weren't her stories.

Once she stopped carrying that weight she completely transformed her life.

See we all do this.

We pick up these ideas about ourselves.

I talk too much,

I'm too loud,

I'm not enough.

And we carry them forward repeating that narrative until it becomes almost impossible to separate ourselves from it.

Like where does the story end and I begin?

Okay let's take it home with a moment of reflection because I want you to feel this piece deeply.

Imagine a seven-year-old version of yourself.

Picture yourself full of curiosity,

Laughter,

Maybe a little mischievous energy.

You're just being you.

And then bam someone tells you you're too much.

Maybe it's a librarian,

A teacher or even a parent.

Suddenly you're too loud,

Too talkative,

Too something.

And in that moment you make a decision.

If I want to be loved I have to change.

I have to quiet myself down.

I have to clean up after everyone.

I need to prove I'm good enough.

Sound familiar?

Here's the thing.

That's when the story begins and the story isn't true.

It wasn't true then and it's definitely not true now.

But fast forward and suddenly you've been living your life with this unconscious belief.

I'm not enough unless I fill in the blank for yourself.

Is it being perfect?

Overachieving?

Saying yes when you desperately want to say no?

I know it's heavy but understanding this,

Starting to see the story for what it is,

This can shift everything.

And I'm going to leave you with this thought before we continue.

If it's just a story,

Just words playing on repeat,

What happens when you change the script?

What if instead of I'm not enough the story becomes I am enough just as I am?

And here's the part that really shifts everything.

If the story isn't true,

If it's just words in your mind,

Then why are you giving it so much power?

Why are you letting it run the show?

This is where I want you to start imagining what happens when you choose to rewrite that story intentionally,

Deliberately and with compassion.

I mentioned earlier that everything we go through is filtered through the lens of self-judgment.

We don't just experience life,

We colour it with meaning.

And a lot of the time that meaning gets tangled up with feeling not enough.

But here's the powerful twist.

The relationships,

The situations,

Even the challenges you face,

They're all here to teach you something.

And sometimes what they're really teaching you is where you're not free.

Stick with me because unpacking this could be the game changer you didn't know you needed.

Let's use an example that's rooted in relationships.

Take someone like Nelson Mandela.

His 27 years in prison were by no means easy but instead of letting bitterness and blame consume him,

He treated his captors as mirrors reflecting his own inner limitations.

Did he feel anger?

Of course,

Did he feel pain?

Without a doubt.

But he used those feelings as tools for growth.

He asked himself,

What is this situation showing me about me?

And when he walked free,

Not just physically but emotionally,

He proved what's possible when you take responsibility for what's happening inside of yourself instead of focusing on what's outside your control.

Relationships,

Even the ones that hurt,

Often reflect back to us the stories we believe about ourselves.

Let's make this personal for a minute.

Have you ever noticed that certain conflicts seem to keep happening in your relationships?

Maybe it's a pattern with a partner,

A parent or even your kids.

You think,

Why is this person always putting me down?

Or why can't they just appreciate me?

But what if the person on the other side of that conflict isn't really the problem?

What if they're showing you where you haven't let yourself off the hook?

I'll be real with you,

This hits close to home for a lot of us.

Especially when it comes to family.

We carry this idea that I have to be the perfect son or I have to show up as an infallible parent.

And anytime we feel like we've fallen short of that,

Boom,

The old guilt and shame come rushing back in.

But as long as we buy into that narrative,

We're chained to it.

It's like we're holding the key to our own freedom but we don't realise it's in our hand.

Here's where the magic starts to happen.

Once you recognise that the story you're living by isn't truth,

Everything changes.

It's like seeing the man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz.

You realise it's all just smoke and mirrors.

And the best part?

You can decide to rewrite that script.

Let me ask you this,

Have you ever had a moment where you felt like the weight of the world was on your shoulders?

Maybe you were scrambling to keep everything together.

Your work,

Your relationships,

Your responsibilities.

And it felt like if you stopped even for a moment,

Everything would crumble.

That's what living in these old limiting narratives feels like.

It's exhausting.

But when you step back and question that story,

When you genuinely start asking yourself,

Is this even mine to carry?

You begin to see things differently and most importantly,

You begin to feel differently.

That's when real freedom starts to show up.

Now let's dive into the how,

Because it's one thing to talk about rewriting the script,

But it's another thing entirely to make it real.

To actually live it.

First,

You have to do something that might be uncomfortable at first.

You've got to slow down and sit with your emotions.

I know it's not fun.

No one wakes up and says,

Today I'm going to feel all my guilt and shame.

But here's why it matters.

Emotions,

Especially the heavy ones,

Carry information.

They're messengers trying to tell you something about the story you're holding on to.

When you give yourself permission to feel those emotions without judgment,

Without labelling them as bad or wrong,

You open the door to understanding.

And understanding is the first step toward freedom.

At the same time,

You want to start challenging the narrative at its core.

Ask yourself,

Is this story actually true?

Or is it just something I've been telling myself because it feels familiar?

Spoiler alert,

Most of the time it's not true.

It's a habit.

A pattern.

And like any habit,

It can be changed.

Here's where we bring in compassion.

But not just for others,

For yourself.

Think about how you'd comfort a friend who's struggling.

You'd probably say something gentle like,

You're doing your best.

Be kind to yourself.

Now imagine saying that to yourself.

Radical,

Right?

Let's tie this back to Oprah for a second.

Remember how I mentioned that she carried those stories of not enough early in her life?

Well,

One of the ways she moved beyond them was by embracing self-compassion.

She stopped seeing herself as the sum of what others said about her and started seeing herself as inherently worthy.

And once she did that,

Everything shifted.

And here's a tip that builds on that.

Start practicing small acts of self-love daily.

It doesn't have to be grand.

Maybe it's saying no to something that drains you,

Or taking five minutes to celebrate a win,

No matter how small.

These little moments add up and over time they help overwrite the old narratives with new,

Empowering ones.

The other piece to this puzzle is about a mindset shift.

Let me hit you with this thought.

Every problem you face is also an opportunity.

I don't mean that in some cheesy,

Everything happens for a reason kind of way.

What I'm saying is that problems are like signposts,

Pointing you toward what you really value and desire.

For example,

Maybe you've been struggling with financial stress.

On the surface that feels like a big,

Overwhelming problem,

Right?

But if you dig a little deeper,

What's that problem really calling you toward?

Maybe it's a desire for more freedom,

More security,

Or more confidence in yourself.

When you reframe the problem as a guide rather than an obstacle,

It loses its power to control you.

And speaking of reframing,

Let's talk about possibility.

Because here's the truth.

You are so much more capable,

More resilient,

And more worthy than you give yourself credit for.

But when you're stuck in a narrative of guilt or shame,

It's like trying to see the horizon through a thick fog.

You lose sight of what's possible.

This is where imagination comes in.

Start visualising the life you want,

Not in some abstract,

Wouldn't it be nice kind of way,

But in vivid detail.

Picture who you could be if you weren't weighed down by old stories.

How would you show up in your relationships,

In your work,

With yourself?

And here's what's so cool.

Neuroscience shows that when you consistently imagine a positive outcome,

You actually rewire your brain to start creating it.

It's like tuning into a different frequency.

So here's what I want you to take away today.

The stories you've been living by,

They're optional.

You don't have to carry them.

You don't have to keep running on autopilot,

Replaying old patterns that don't serve you.

You have the power to pause,

To question,

And to rewrite.

Imagine waking up tomorrow,

Feeling lighter.

Imagine moving through your day with a and possibility.

That's what happens when you step out of the story and into your truth.

And if you're ready to start that journey,

Know that you don't have to do it alone.

In the description below,

I've linked some resources that can help.

Tools,

Exercises,

And even a community of like-minded people who are on this path too.

Take a moment to check it out.

You're not stuck.

You're not broken.

You're just carrying a story that it's time to let go of.

And trust me,

When you do,

You'll wonder why you held on to it for so long.

You've got this,

And I can't wait to see where your journey takes you.

If you enjoyed today's talk,

I believe that you would love our top-rated courses here on Insight Timer.

Over 4,

000 students already went through our courses,

And the responses are amazing.

Our goal here at Healing Waves is to help you on your transformation journey by combining ancient wisdom with modern science.

Thank you for being with me today.

I appreciate you,

And I hope to see you again soon.