Today I worked with a client to help her to manage,
Overcome,
To do something with some anxiety that she'd been experiencing.
In her mind she had a wall and on one side of the wall was her,
A young her,
A very young her.
On the other side of the wall were her family members and friends who were desperately trying to get to her,
To help her.
She described one of them as having a loud halo,
You know those cone shaped objects that you speak through to project your voice,
To try and reach her.
She described herself as feeling helpless,
Somewhat helpless and small.
And so without really having a specific idea of what,
The way that I wanted to work with her I sort of intuitively began to ask her some questions.
And it began with asking her to notice,
To be aware of what was happening on both sides of the wall.
We went through this process where she began to see the situation from an outside point of view.
And I asked her how she felt and how the other people on the other side of the wall felt.
After that I asked her how she felt as the observer,
As the person noticing both sides of the wall.
She explained that she felt fearful,
Somewhat unsurprisingly.
And that as the observer she empathised with her situation and felt angry that she couldn't do anything about it.
And so then I asked her to be aware of the person noticing that situation.
So there's an observer observing both sides of the wall and then there's an observer observing the observer observing both sides of the wall.
And I asked her to be in that position,
To be aware of what this observer is feeling,
What they're going through.
She could see that anger expressed,
Held by the first observer.
And I asked her how she felt observing the first observer.
She explained that she felt sadness.
And anyways we sort of carried on in this way,
Observing the observer who was observing the observer who was observing the observer,
Until the emotions began to change somewhat.
And until she began to feel more hopeful,
That there's a possibility for the way that she felt her experience to be different.
And then from that point of possibility,
Suppose there would have been three or four observers deep at that point,
I asked her to notice the wall,
Notice what is beautiful about the wall that separated her and her friends and family.
She began to notice the moss,
The lichen on the walls,
The decay and the beauty of that natural process that had occurred on this wall that had been there for many years,
As a beautiful thing rather than as a barrier,
Something she wanted to only remove.
It was at this point that she remarked that she also felt,
In addition to that,
She also felt fear,
Anxiety,
Worry.
And she seemed to become somewhat frustrated at this point,
That she just wanted it to go,
To disappear,
To be taken away.
So she asked me,
Can't you just take it away?
You just take this away from me.
And so,
Of course,
My thoughts were,
It doesn't really work like that.
But I thought,
OK,
Sure,
That's a valid suggestion.
We don't know what will work and what will not work without exploring possibilities.
And if I were just to say,
No,
That's not how it works,
I don't think that would help her either.
So I said,
OK,
What would you want me to do with it once I have it?
And what would it do for you if I had this fear?
She said that it would help her to feel more calm,
Feel more relaxed.
So I said,
OK,
Hand it over.
So she handed over her fear to me.
And then I began to describe what I noticed.
And what I noticed was a ball,
Sort of larger than a basketball or bowling ball,
But smaller than one of those yoga balls,
But very heavy and dense and made of rope,
Tightly bound with a rope,
Like one of those boys that you would get floating in the sea and that a ship or a boat would tether to to keep it from floating away.
But before the invention of plastic,
When they used to use rope and I looked at this ball,
This heavy ball and felt the weight in my hands and I saw how tightly bound it was and noticed the algae on it and I noticed the parts where the rope had frayed and it got old and decayed like the wall,
There was a kind of beauty to this fear.
And I was really curious and felt like there was something inside it,
Something to be discovered.
And so I thought,
Well,
What can I do to to find out what's beneath?
The rope seemed very tightly bound and I didn't know where to begin to untie it,
Untangle it.
And I was explaining and describing everything that I'm describing to you now and more throughout the process to my client.
And so I thought,
OK,
I'm going to use,
I could try burning it,
But it was too wet.
I thought that wouldn't work.
I couldn't burn through.
So I got a saw,
An imaginary saw,
Of course,
Imaginary saws work best for imaginary problems.
And I started sawing through this ball and I could see the tension in the rope as I sawed through each strand,
Twanging away from each other and revealing this big gap.
And I sawed through and it just came apart.
Then I was really aware that there was a very dark black thing in the centre.
So after sawing through to reach this ball,
This ball was probably about twice the size of a tennis ball.
But it was completely black,
Completely dark,
Very heavy,
Like a cannonball,
Let's say,
But perfectly smooth with no imperfections on the surface.
It was almost impossibly smooth and perfect.
And so I held this heavy ball in my hand.
And I felt it to be very compelling and very moving.
There was a number of different emotions that I could have described at that point.
I was just aware of what those different emotions were.
And so I allowed my curiosity to prevail.
And I moved towards the ball and entered it as such.
And I found as I entered this incredibly dense thing that was so tight and so heavy,
I found myself in a void,
In complete darkness.
But infinitely so,
That you could move in any direction for as long as you would like.
And you would never find the end.
You just keep going and keep going and keep going.
It was an infinite void.
And I really got a sense of excitement.
But coupled with that excitement was the overwhelmingness of the expansiveness of that void.
So it wasn't completely.
.
.
If there is such a thing as a positive and negative feeling,
Which there certainly isn't,
It was a real mixture of different flavours,
Of different emotions that I was feeling.
But in the middle of it all was freedom.
This infinite expanse I could go in any direction,
As far as I want,
As fast as I want,
As slow as I want.
It was an entirely blank canvas that I could begin creating whatever I wanted to create.
Or nothing.
And then I became aware of my breathing.
And that breathing gave me an awareness of my body,
That there was a me in this void.
And that from my chest,
From my body,
Came these spiralling spirals,
Perhaps of light,
Perhaps of.
.
.
I don't know what,
But there were spirals that were emerging from me and going out into the void,
Into the universe,
Let's say.
And these spirals were creations.
They were things,
Matter,
Stories,
Perceptions,
Relationships.
Anything you could possibly imagine.
And I felt that I could follow any one of these spirals to its manifestation.
And each one would be fascinating and interesting and intriguing.
I felt that I could do that.
And that would be time well spent.
That would be a beautiful adventure.
And terrifying at the same time.
But really interesting,
Ultimately.
And that's the best stories are.
Fascinating and terrifying.
And actually being with that terror and being with that beauty made everything so worthwhile.
Made it empowering,
Enriching,
And nourishing like nothing else could be.
And I knew that I could follow each of these spirals.
But what I had was enough.
For me in that moment it was enough to know that I could follow those spirals.
To just remain in the void.
And remain the source of creation and the experience of creation.
Without needing to be part of the narrative of creation.
Although I could have done.
And it would have made no difference,
Really.
In that moment it felt right to stay where I was,
To have that experience.
And it wasn't a good experience.
It wasn't a bad experience.
It was really interesting.
And really surprising.
And I hadn't anticipated any of it when my client offered me her fear.
And actually it was a gift that she gave me.
And I wonder just what it is that it gave her.
And so once I had shared with her that experience,
I asked if she'd like it back.
So she took it back and she remarked,
Oh that was really good.
But I said no it wasn't good.
It wasn't bad either.
But it was definitely worthwhile.
And worth delving,
Worth going directly to the centre of that which seemed so terrifying.
That which seemed so overwhelming and confusing.
It's always the most fascinating place to go and to be guided towards.
And what becomes of it.
And so that's where we ended the session.
And I dare say next session we'll find out a little bit more about what she learned,
What she gained from it.
Or perhaps nothing at all.
But this is the first time that I've ever had this opportunity working with a client.
I've many times guided a client through that process where they are the ones that are opening up this metaphor and understanding more about what's within and facing the overwhelmingness and the excitement of it all.
This is the first time they offered it back to me.
So I'm very grateful to have had this experience.
And we'll see where it goes next.
Thank you for listening.
