The Power Of The Inner Voice

Today,

I really want to talk about something that plays a big role in our lives.

We probably don't give it much thought,

But we probably should give it a little bit more thought.

And this is really our inner voice.

We might have more than one inner voice,

I bet.

We all have several.

Well,

We actually know that there's at least seven sub-selves,

So I would imagine that they do have different voices.

But it's always there.

I'm going to use just in singular,

But we probably have more than one.

But it can also work against us,

Especially when it turns negative and starts to take over and starts to beat us up a little bit.

So just think about,

You know,

The last time you had to try to remember a grocery list,

Right?

And you're running through it in your head or you talk to yourself.

Through a decision,

The pros and the cons,

Or maybe you replayed a conversation that you had earlier.

That's your inner voice in action.

It's the internal dialogue that's supposed to help us navigate life.

And it really shapes how we think and feel and act every single day.

Now,

It starts externally,

Right?

When we are babies.

Toddlers.

That voice,

It's like our inner Jiminy Cricket.

We don't have that developed yet.

It's parents,

Right?

It's adults who are helping us learn about the world.

And then we start to talk out loud.

Uh-oh,

Don't touch that.

It's hot.

Uh-oh,

Like fall down.

Whatever we start saying as kids.

We're using that language to self-talk.

And we see,

I still self-talk actually a lot of ADHDers.

That's a great accommodation is to allow them to talk out loud and problem solve out loud.

I do it all the time.

My girls are always asking,

Just checking,

Are you talking to me?

I'm like,

Nope.

Right.

My husband's always curious,

Like,

Do you talk this?

Much out loud when nobody's around.

I'm like,

Yes,

I do.

It's part of how I,

You know,

Work through things.

Eventually,

It's supposed to go sort of internal so you can talk.

And I do have the capacity to talk inside my head.

It's just a lot easier with working memory demands on the external side.

But,

You know,

That's just an example.

Scientists actually say our inner voice is one of our brain's most.

.

.

Important cognitive tools because it does help us plan and organize our thoughts before we talk.

It helps us reflect on past experiences.

It helps us problem solve and weigh out those different,

You know,

Pros and cons,

Different options.

It helps us remember information more effectively.

So it's kind of like having your own personal narrator.

It's helping us make sense of the world and our kids to make sense of the world.

When it's being helpful.

It's great.

But it doesn't always seem to be helpful,

Right?

So we need to learn how to manage it and help kids learn to manage it so they're not getting caught in rumination and spiraling.

That's when it becomes unhelpful.

When it turns our confidence into self-doubt,

We start self-doubting ourselves and our kids start self-doubting.

I'm talking about us,

But also our kids,

Right?

If we work with children and wondering about children.

So there's lots of things that we need to think about,

But I'm going to focus on a few key ways our inner voice supports us.

So I did talk about memory.

It does help with memory retention.

So anytime you've had to repeat a phone number yourself until you could write it down or punch it into your phone or call it,

Right?

That's your inner voice keeping information in your working memory.

So that verbal repetition,

That strengthens recall,

Which is why you're more likely to remember something if you say it out loud or in your head.

For kids,

I'm always saying when you study,

I want you to study not by silently reading notes because you're just a passive taker inner of that information.

Marie,

I want you to teach somebody,

Right?

Say it out loud.

Recall what you can out loud.

That's something I'm always trying to teach kids.

That's how you should be studying.

So that's a free tip.

Next time kids have to go learn something have them explain it in their own words.

That's going to help.

Another one is problem solving and decision making,

Right?

When we're faced with a challenge,

Our inner voice helps us think through solutions.

It helps us analyze different choices.

So brainstorming all the different,

You know,

Possibilities.

Talk about the pros and the cons of each of those choices.

We can predict outcomes,

Right?

Oh,

If I do this,

This might happen.

But if I do that,

That might happen.

We can rehearse conversations before we actually have them,

Right?

And that's part of that piece,

Too,

About predicting potential outcomes.

For example,

We we could.

Kind of play back and forth between us well this is a good idea well but did you think about this right we can kind of have that big debate If you've ever had a disagreement and later found yourself replaying that conversation,

Oh,

I should have said that instead.

That's also your inner voice.

It's helping you refine your approach for next time,

Right?

So there's lots of different pieces here.

It helps with planning and preparation,

Right?

Athletes and performers and public speakers,

I mean,

They all use mental rehearsal to improve their performance.

Maybe they're visualizing their success.

Maybe they're coaching themselves through challenges with positive self-talk.

You've got this.

You've got this.

Just breathe,

Right?

Practical strategy you know before a big event And a big event could be a test.

It could be a difficult conversation is helping kids learn to use their inner voice to prepare where they're coaching themselves.

So instead of you always saying,

Just do this and make sure you breathe and make sure you do this.

What can you say?

What could you what would your own personal coach say?

I've got this.

I've prepared.

I studied all night.

Well,

That wouldn't help you.

But,

You know,

I can handle whatever happens.

They need to start developing that inner self talk.

Self-coaching,

Okay?

Because the way we talk to ourselves directly affects our confidence and our performance.

And so that's really important.

So how can we use the helpful part of our inner voice to our advantage?

We want to focus on that.

Now,

It definitely gets tricky when the inner voice turns critical and harsh and repetitive.

You know,

Maybe that's chatter.

We can call it chatter or rumination.

It just doesn't stop.

It's just always going on,

Right?

It's replaying past mistakes.

It's second guessing our decision.

It's making us doubt ourselves that we're not good enough and we can't handle and I don't know what it's going to be and what if this and what if that,

Right?

It's just,

It just takes over and it just fuels anxiety and overwhelm because we're trapped in this sort of worst case scenario.

This negative thinking,

And it just makes problems feel so much bigger than they actually are.

And so we get caught in anxiety and that can actually lead to depression because the more we listen to this voice,

The stronger it gets.

And the stronger it gets and the more we listen to it,

We might actually start to believe it.

I'm not good enough.

Or I always mess things up.

Or I never figured this out.

I'm never going to figure this out.

Right.

Everyone's going to see me as an imposter.

So instead of seeing any mistakes,

As learning opportunities.

Kids spiral or we spiral into this self-doubt and we avoid challenges altogether.

And I see this with kids all the time,

Right?

And over time,

That leads to low motivation and hopelessness and hopelessness.

Helplessness leads to depression,

Right?

And so we got to be careful.

We doubt ourselves.

We don't want to do anything anymore.

We can get caught in this decision paralysis.

Where we overanalyze something to the point that we can't even make a decision.

It's just.

.

.

Everything feels so overwhelming.

Every choice feels overwhelming.

I can't even.

Tell you,

You know,

What I want you to order me for lunch or where we should go for lunch.

And so instead of trusting ourselves,

We get caught up in what if I make the wrong choice?

Oh,

I should have done that instead.

We regret,

We worry about regretting it later and then we do regret it later,

Right?

Or we're worried about people judging us.

It's just this constant second guessing.

It's keeping us,

It's keeping kids,

Whomever,

Stuck.

And then when we're stuck,

We're afraid to take action because we're not trusting ourselves to be able to handle the outcome.

So now we get stuck in this endless loop of negative self-talk and we're never moving forward.

We're never solving problems.

And that's why venting and focusing on content is really problematic.

So I'm always saying we can't get stuck in the trigger or in that event because we're just going to get caught there.

And I'm going to talk in the future in another episode about emotion contagion,

Which ends up happening.

We might get sucked into our kids venting or other people's venting.

Yes.

Kids got to get stuff off their chest.

Yes,

We got to get our stuff off our chest,

But we're not moving forward when we do that.

We're not problem solving.

Our brains are wired for problem solving,

But get too easily stuck on the problem.

And when we focus too much on a problem without the actual solutions,

That's where it turns into overthinking.

And we don't know how to get out of that loop.

Right.

That rumination keeps us stuck in the past or fearful of the future instead of taking action in the present.

OK.

So we got to get unstuck.

We got to help our kids get unstuck by learning to respond to that voice in helpful ways.

We cannot change it.

Right.

We cannot get rid of it.

I'm not about elimination.

The more we try to eliminate,

Don't think about that.

Don't think about that.

Don't think about it.

It's just like this inner itch.

It's just going to get bigger and bigger until it's like,

Look at me.

Pay attention to me.

We don't have to believe it,

Though.

So the first thing we need to do,

Well,

Let's normalize it,

You know.

So if kids are getting caught in the self-critical,

You know,

I like externalization,

Right?

That's usually my first step is let's externalize it.

When does self-critical Carla show up?

When does Debbie Downer show up,

Right?

So we can externalize it.

But then we want to really normalize it.

Yeah,

That's your wonky brain doing,

You know,

Things that it thinks is important.

And it is important to do that.

And when it's really mean,

And really not helpful.

Its job is to figure out all the possible scenarios.

Right?

So we can really go into those dark places.

But that's its job.

It's doing that to protect you.

And yes,

It even goes into homicidal and suicidal places.

And I know I've talked about this before.

But I think that's really important,

Especially as they get into those tween teen years.

It's not uncommon to have homicidal,

Suicidal thoughts.

That's where our brain goes.

It's normal for us to know this.

So that we don't freak out because especially our anxious kids and kids who are easily emotionally dysregulated,

They latch onto those sensitive thoughts.

We all have those thoughts.

We have a gazillion thoughts at eight.

Every second,

We're having multiple thoughts.

We're not even aware of them.

But when we're anxious,

We're really hypersensitive,

Aware of those types of thoughts.

And so we got to know it's normal.

Our brain does these wonky things so that we don't freak out.

Right?

If we know that it's normal,

Then we don't freak out that there's something wrong with me.

Wrong with you,

Whatever it is.

So once we truly and they truly understand how normal this all is,

It's easier for them to focus on self-awareness.

Being aware is so important to help kids from spiraling into this pit of despair most kids don't even realize that their inner voice is controlling them they just feel stuck they just feel overwhelmed they just feel scared to try something new So again,

Name it to tame it.

We need to call it out.

Okay,

So we externalize it,

Give it a name.

When does it show up?

I knew you were going to show up now.

Of course,

Anytime I'm going to,

You know,

Go see my friends,

I'm going to show up.

Let's call it out.

I love sarcasm.

Oh,

There's my wonky chatterbox or there's my self-critical Sam telling me everything I can't do.

They need to find what works for them though.

So I love sarcasm.

Here we go again.

Let me hear the story of the day.

Right.

So it could be the sarcasm.

It could be just naming the story.

Oh,

Here's the self-doubting story coming up.

Makes sense.

I'm reading.

Or thank you.

Catastrophizing cam.

Thank you for trying to keep me safe,

Right?

So there's lots of different things that we can do.

So when we respond and we name it and we externalize it,

We give a little bit of distance because when the thoughts stay in our head and we're listening to them and taking it in,

It just feels bigger and bigger and bigger.

So that's why that externalizing those thoughts,

It just shrinks their power a little bit.

So when we externalize,

We distance ourselves.

Instead of getting pulled into that spiral.

And that's what we need,

Right?

We need some distance from it.

That's what we got to do,

Which is why we don't want to sit in it and talk about it.

So great hint,

Right?

When we're getting into the weeds and we're just sitting there and giving more and more attention to it.

Chatter thrives in isolation.

Rumination thrives in isolation.

So when we validate kids' experience,

We do want to validate and acknowledge it.

Absolutely.

They need to feel heard.

Otherwise,

They're going to hold on to it and make sure that you know how big of a deal this is.

We need to validate and acknowledge it.

Yes.

But then we need to keep going.

We need to shift our focus.

Right,

Away from what's going on inside.

So we need to self-distance,

Right?

That's helpful to reduce the emotional overwhelm.

And we're going to step back and view our thoughts as an observer.

Okay,

That's really important.

And another way,

So sarcasm is great.

I knew you're going to be here predicting when it's going to show up.

Yeah,

There you are.

I knew it.

Or,

Oh,

You're really trying to scare me.

I've talked about third person speaking in third person.

Caroline is doubting herself right now.

Hearing their thoughts outside of their head,

Saying it out loud in third person,

It actually helps kids process those thoughts.

And it can recognize them as irrational or exaggerated.

It might take some time,

But hearing it is like,

No,

That's not actually true.

And in third person,

It just creates that distance.

But even more importantly,

Through all of this,

It's keeping their prefrontal cortex online.

I don't care about trying to change them and reframing them and eliminating them.

I want them to keep their prefrontal cortex online because this is the part of the brain that helps them self-regulate,

That helps them manage their emotions and see the world as it is and think rationally when they can keep that prefrontal cortex online.

Now they can problem solve and figure out what do I need to do next?

But after that,

We validate and acknowledge we don't need to do anything.

Just acknowledge is all we really need to do.

Right.

Teaching kids about these inner voices.

We don't need to reframe it.

We don't need to eliminate it.

It's just acknowledging it because we try to do anything.

That's where we get stuck.

And that's where we get stuck in thinking these thoughts are bad and something's wrong with me.

I need to do all of these different strategies.

Why can't I just think happy thoughts?

Right.

So we don't want to teach kids that these thoughts are bad.

They're normal.

Our brain is going to do wonky things.

Right?

They're just normal parts of us,

Normal parts of what our brain,

Your brain is doing exactly what it needs to do.

It's all about how we respond.

So stop trying to change them or distract themselves or just suppress them.

We recognize it,

Externalize it.

We don't need to do anything else with it.

When we can get really good,

I mean,

We could identify the function of the voice.

I have several voices and I have gotten to the point now that I can tell the difference and I can feel them.

It's not just the voice.

I actually get a physical sensation.

I know when they show up.

So I know the difference between the superwoman voice and the busy voice and anxious voice.

And they're all trying to tell me something.

And they all want me to know,

Right,

Something.

And now I know I need to address.

That.

So this is definitely a higher level stuff.

And maybe one day we'll get there.

I don't expect anyone to do it now.

But it starts with attending.

It starts with attending to our self-talk.

So the homework for right now is just to pay attention to that inner voice,

What it says in its pattern.

Right?

And then we can learn to shape it to be an effective coach.

And I would pair,

You know,

Okay,

This thought came up,

Does it,

Is it paired consistently with the body part?

And this is how I started,

You know,

The process.

And when we look at things like internal family systems,

This is a piece too.

So maybe they're doing body mapping.

And again,

When we drop into the body,

We're keeping our prefrontal cortex online.

This is not new.

This is what we need to do.

So when my busy comes in,

Like for me,

It's like if I were to draw a little body map.

For me,

It's a big black brick on my chest.

It's the pressure on my chest.

So I know,

And I know that it's more of a pain,

Like a sharp,

Stabbing,

Like electrifying pain when there's something else coming up versus anxiety.

I feel that in the pit of my stomach.

So we can start body mapping these different things too.

OK,

And so if it's my busy,

Thank you.

OK,

You know what?

I'm going to write down everything that I need to do if I'm getting caught up in the overwhelm of everything that I need to do.

So now I know when this shows up in my body,

In my thoughts,

This is the behavioral action that I could take.

So I think that that's helpful.

You know,

I think it's helpful to like the what if.

How you know,

Maybe there is a little bit just linguistic change here.

You know,

What if I fail?

What if they don't like me?

Looking at what's next.

I'm always asking kids what's next.

Right.

Or,

You know,

What if,

I don't know,

I embarrass myself.

So how can we,

So I can identify,

Okay,

Catastrophizing cam has shown up.

Thank you,

Catastrophizing cam.

Now I'm going to ask you,

What's next?

Right.

And this is where we start training kids to ask.

We are asking it first.

And they will eventually,

Okay,

So what if I embarrass myself?

Well,

What's next?

What's another way to look at this?

What could I do differently next time?

What's one step that I can fix this?

What do I need to do right now?

It's focusing from the fear to action.

That's really what we need to do.

So we can't change our thoughts,

But we can shift how we respond and where we focus.

So just looking at that,

Right,

How can we,

You know,

Agree.

Okay,

I see you.

What is it that I need to do right now?

And what can I go do that's going to be most helpful?

But again,

Not all self-talk is bad.

So so when we're looking for homework,

It's looking at,

OK,

When do those.

Unhelpful inner thoughts come up,

But when did the helpful?

Thoughts come up as well.

Right.

I think that that's really important because then we can have kids.

Differentiate well what's different between the voices and what are you doing that's different and how are you responding to that whatever you're doing there how can we migrate that over here when the negative thoughts sort of come up So some of those things is what are they already doing that's effective,

That's being helpful?

What are some linguistic shifts that I can do?

Even like I can't.

Yet.

Right.

But again,

I don't like focusing so much on the reframing because we can still get stuck.

And if they don't believe it,

Then it's going to be really hard,

Especially when it comes up again.

And we think we should be getting rid of them.

But then that's impossible.

We can't change that inner voice.

We can't silence it.

So that should never be the goal.

The focus should always be what's next,

What's next,

What's next,

Moving forward.

So I might leave it there because I find I give too much information and then it becomes overwhelming and gets lost in the weeds.

I do want to talk about emotional contagion.

So that will be coming up.

But for right now,

It's being able to identify what are some of those common inner voices.

See if you can map out,

You know,

With kids who the different inner voices are.

It's like our inner Jiminy Cricket.

And maybe there's different ones about friendships.

Like maybe there's like.

Confident Carla here when I do math,

But then self-doubting.

Susan is really showing up when I'm with my friends.

So what are those voices?

When do they show up?

And it could like for me,

It's the superwoman voice and the busy voice.

Right.

I don't actually give them names.

So you can work with kids to figure that out.

And then once they get really good and hypothesizing,

When do you predict that this,

You know.

Critical Sam is going to show up today.

What time?

What are you going to be doing?

And what can you say back?

Kate,

Thanks for telling me.

I'm still going to do one more question,

Right?

So if Sam shows up,

Then I'm going to work on,

You know,

Two more questions and come get it checked or something like that.

So write that if then,

When it shows up and what my prediction is,

Was your prediction right?

Once you've done that,

Then they can start looking at noticing in your body.

Okay,

Self-critical,

Sam showed up.

This is what it sounds like.

This is the story it tells.

This is what it feels like in my body.

So that's that clenching in my chest.

And then what am I going to do?

What does Sam want me to do?

Probably give up.

I'm gonna do the opposite.

That's what we're going to do.

So I'll leave it there.

Thanks for joining me and help those kiddos be bold and courageous.

And I will see you next time.