Acceptance: The Starting Point Of Real Change

Live Class Recording - Change doesn’t begin with fighting what is; it begins with accepting it. This session examines how acceptance is not passive, but a deeply intentional starting point for growth, healing, and relational honesty.

Transcript

We're talking about acceptance,

The starting point of real change.

And just as a general definition,

I've put down acceptance doesn't mean liking everything,

Because I feel that often a misinterpretation of what acceptance means that we like everything and we go through the world with who,

Everything is amazing.

That's not the case.

It means seeing things clearly without resistance or denial.

And how I like to explain it to my clients,

And I do that for you here now as well.

I want you to picture yourself in the woods in a cabin.

You have no car,

You have no bicycle,

You have no transportation and the next shop is about 20 kilometers away and it's getting dark and you are hungry and you haven't brought any food.

So you rely totally on what's in the cabin and you have no cell phone either.

So you can't order anything.

Let's not forget that.

So only what's available in the cabin.

So you walk around,

You look through the fridge,

Through the cupboards and everything and then you have all this stuff that you put in front of you.

Now you say,

Okay,

This is what we're dealing with.

This is what I can make a dinner out of.

And that's it.

It's just in this moment in time,

This is what I have.

It doesn't mean that tomorrow your friend isn't coming with more ingredients,

With new stuff,

Brings a car,

You can go to the shop.

That's not what it means.

It just means in this moment in time,

This is what we're having.

And when we talk about acceptance,

Particularly when we talk about self-acceptance,

The good,

The bad,

The ugly,

Accepting it just means this is what we're dealing with.

These are all the ingredients that we have.

It doesn't mean that we don't want to change things.

It doesn't mean that we like all of those things.

It doesn't mean that we love any of those things.

It just means we're looking at it neutral.

Okay.

This is what we're dealing with.

The good that where you're proud of,

That you have these skills,

That this is your character,

The bad where you think,

Oh,

I wish I could work on that.

I want to work on that.

I wish that would be better.

And the ugly that I classify as that I don't even want to look at myself.

So I definitely don't want anyone else to see that part of me or know those thoughts of mine.

But in the end,

They are all who makes you,

You.

Yeah.

It all belongs to you.

It's all you.

And there wouldn't be light without the dark.

Yeah.

No dark without the light.

So it all is coming together to make who you are today in this moment of time.

Tomorrow you will already be someone else.

But today here with us today,

This is what you have.

This is what you can accept as a given what we're dealing with.

And that's what I mean when I say without resistance or denial.

Yeah.

We don't need to deny anything.

We don't need to push anything away.

We don't need to justify,

Judge,

Shame or blame anything because it's just what it is.

And remember your thoughts create your reality.

So the meaning you give when we talk about self-acceptance,

The good,

The bad or the ugly,

That's up to you.

That's your responsibility.

That's your choice.

But there is no need for it.

Just remember that.

But when we talk about acceptance,

Often people have these expectations or they have fears.

Of course,

Fears are usually the foundation.

And then we have the expectation,

We have the judgment of how things are supposed to be.

May it be yourself,

May it be situations,

May it be your partner,

Your relationship,

Your life in general.

There are expectations.

And often we believe that if my partner would change,

Then our relationship would be so amazing.

It's this crystal ball moment that we just love to have because it gives us hope.

It gives us something to distract from the responsibility that we carry.

Because if we could say if he would change,

Then my relationship would be better.

If I would have a different job,

Then my life would be better.

Pushing away the responsibility,

Not accepting that it's your responsibility.

No one else's.

And I've written it down.

Or we want our partner to change as we believe if they would be like I'm expecting them to be,

They would be so much better off.

That's the way we picture the ideal partner.

If they would just be like that,

Then they would be happier.

I would be happier.

Our relationship would be happy.

Again,

It's a crystal ball moment.

You don't know.

You never know.

So let me give you some examples of when it might be challenging to accept.

And my first example is accepting that your partner isn't emotionally expressive.

I hear that often when I work with clients,

Particularly women,

They say that their partner isn't expressive.

And then I ask them,

What do you mean?

They don't talk about their feelings.

And I said,

OK,

What do you tell them about your feelings?

And then usually the answer is something like,

Yeah,

I tell them that I'm sad.

I tell them that I'm happy.

I tell them that I'm excited.

I tell them when I'm annoyed.

And then we go in a bit deeper asking,

What does this even mean?

What causes you to be annoyed?

And why don't you say that?

So on the one hand,

You want to be the one who gives and shows how the road is going.

On the other hand,

If your partner doesn't want to express,

They might not know what to say.

They might never thought about what to say.

They might never thought about this particular idea.

Even when you ask them,

How do you feel?

They might not know what do you even mean?

I feel OK.

There is not OK and OK.

What do you mean?

Yeah.

Accepting that that's it.

That's it for now.

Yeah,

This is what I get for now,

Because maybe just maybe if you start going deeper in accepting yourself and figuring out what do I mean when I say stuff like that?

And you express it to them,

That might help them to see,

Oh,

There is more than good and bad.

Do I want that?

Then it's their choice.

Do they want to go deeper?

Yes.

No.

Maybe they say yes.

Maybe they say no.

Maybe you want to just find like a code word.

So if they can't express and don't want to express what's going on,

Don't want to think about it.

I have that sometimes with my partner that he just said.

I don't want to go deep now.

And then it's like,

OK,

There is no code word.

You could create a code word that says if that word is spoken,

That means.

They need some space,

But they also need some support emotionally,

But they don't know what to do.

They don't know how to express it.

They don't want to talk about it.

Just know that now your presence,

Now you being there is important to them.

Without them trying to figure out,

Talk to me,

Talk to me,

Talk to me.

Some people just don't accept it.

Let them be.

And I have a question for you with regards to this topic.

What is it that you feel you need to hear from your partner when it's hard for you to accept their silence,

Their emotionally not expressing themselves?

What is it that you need to hear in the sense of why is it so important to you to hear from them?

Don't you feel it?

Is there anything in particularly you want to hear?

Just give it a go.

See what comes up.

The second example I've prepared is accepting that you have changed and want different things.

And this happens.

Like I said,

Tomorrow you won't be the same person that you are today in this class.

That's just what it is.

And my question here is what high school dream are you holding on to and for what reason?

So sometimes we have this idea that when we're young,

I remember when I was younger,

I was I think not even five years old and my sister and I were playing and I wanted to be the secretary.

I so wanted to be the secretary.

Didn't even know what that means.

But I played like I had glasses and behaving like I would write a letter and listen eagerly to what she had to say.

I wanted to be a secretary.

Now,

I wasn't a secretary.

But then I didn't want to be a secretary.

And so some things and this is a very,

Very simple example of we are changing what you liked yesterday.

Doesn't mean you like tomorrow.

People you wanted to spend your time with.

Even yesterday,

You might not want that to do that tomorrow.

And that's okay.

But we often think about we need to,

We have to,

We know that we have history.

I have let friends go.

And I say letting them go,

Because I just felt like I have nothing to say.

And I don't feel hurt when I'm with you.

And I think I can't give you the same.

I can't give you my attention,

Because I don't feel it.

And sometimes it's just you take a break for 10 years,

And then you come back together as friends.

Or even with your partner,

Sometimes you change your preferences.

Particularly when it's about the sexual intimacy,

That changes constantly.

So you might not like things that you liked at the beginning of your relationship.

Or the other way around.

Yeah,

You're a constantly evolving energy ball.

So let it happen.

And be okay with it.

Accept it.

It's a moment in time.

It's what we have.

These ingredients in this moment in time.

Nothing more,

Nothing less.

And of course,

You gain a couple of amazing advantages.

First of all,

Is you release in a conflict.

Because if you don't need to fight with yourself,

Calm,

Calm,

Calm sailing,

Or how do you say that?

Plane sailing.

It's easy.

Of course,

There will be struggle.

Of course,

There will be conflict.

But conflict is a difference in opinion and feelings.

So let your mind be in a conflict and then decide to let it go,

To accept this is what it is now.

Let's see how it is tomorrow.

Let's see how it is in 10 minutes.

Let's see how I feel about this in 10 minutes.

Give yourself the time.

And of course,

It fosters compassion towards yourself and others.

When you are able to accept the good,

The bad and the ugly that makes you you.

Accept.

Don't need to like it.

Don't need to love it.

Just accept it.

Automatically,

This is an automatism.

Automatically,

You will be more accepting towards others.

Because you learn to stop judging,

Stop shaming,

Stop blaming yourself.

It almost feels unnatural to do it.

Because it's like,

Yeah,

It's a given.

I have a nose.

Yeah,

I have a nose.

I accept that I have a nose.

It's that feeling that,

Yeah,

Of course,

I have a nose.

What else?

When you accept,

That's what it is.

It's just like,

Yeah,

That's what it is.

The triggers that you had before,

They change,

They go away.

Because how can anyone trigger you when you have accepted the good,

The bad and the ugly?

Doesn't work.

Another advantage is it creates space for conscious choices.

No fear-induced decisions,

But led by your intuition.

Because we like to make choices on a whim or because out of fear.

Because if then,

Yeah,

The crystal ball moments.

That's if I do this,

This will happen.

That's how we like to make choices.

Fear-based.

But when you accept,

There is no need for fear,

But also no space for fear.

Because you accept this is a given.

And okay,

So here we have the ingredients.

Let's cook something.

Let's deal with this.

Because you create your reality.

But we come to that in a second when I talk about how to improve that acceptance.

And the one thing is that practice radical honesty.

Be honest about the good,

The bad,

And the ugly.

That is you.

That makes you,

You.

And then say,

This is what is.

This is me.

And stop there.

So this is what is.

This is me.

Period.

No need to explain.

No need to judge.

No need to say,

And tomorrow I'm working on it.

There's no need for that.

Acceptance means it's a given.

It's a fact.

Yeah.

What do you want to say?

This is what it is.

What you can also do is start creating your reality.

Your thoughts create your reality.

So what meaning are you trying to give your acceptance?

Acceptance.

Answer that question for you.

What,

First of all,

Maybe you have your own definition of what acceptance means.

And then what meaning do you give your acceptance?

Accepting yourself,

Accepting change,

Accepting your partner.

What meaning do you give it?

Is it without judgment,

Without shame,

Without blame,

Without fear?

Or is there a sentence coming after?

Like,

Yeah,

I accept them.

But some people want to be very clever and say,

I accept that.

And I want to improve.

But the improved part,

That can happen.

But acceptance stops there.

We don't need a justification for our acceptance.

And the third thing you could do is choose one relationship area where you stop trying to fix.

Like fixing your partner to talk more and start listening or observing without judgment.

Because people talk even though they are not verbal.

You can read their faces.

You can read their body language.

How they move around.

It's like an open canvas.

It's like an open book.

It can tell you so many stories.

You,

In theory,

You wouldn't need the words,

But they are a nice and easy thing to communicate with each other.

But again,

Remember this,

That you have your own definitions for the words and different words mean different things to different people.

So,

When you say,

I feel sad,

You know what you mean by that,

Probably.

But someone else goes through the filter of their experiences and they have a different definition for how sad looks like and feels like for them.

So,

When you try this with your partner,

Listening,

Listen,

Be curious.

What does it mean?

And if they don't know what it means,

Let it be.

Accept it that they don't know it yet.

They might think about it.

It might come to them in their sleep.

You never know.

It might not.

Accept it.

See what else there is to observe.

And that brings me to the end of my lecture today.