Anger Regulation Strategies

Ready to learn more about Anger Regulation Strategies? Join this interactive session to share, listen and practice some strategies. This audio was recorded during the 22-5-2026 live event focusing on the emotion of anger. We start with the psychology behind anger. I give personal examples of how not to regulate anger. Later, I discuss strategies that are better suited for anger regulation. No experience needed, just your interest in learning.

Transcript

Hi, And welcome to this anger regulation. This is Dr. Yvette de Vermeer and I've recorded this during a live event. So please excuse the background noise. And I hope you enjoyed the talk. And especially learn from the exercises. The goal of this session is to normalize anger as a human emotion, Explore what actually helps to regulate your anger, Practice practical strategies and help you to hopefully have some techniques next time when you're angry. So with anger regulation. I thought of this topic because I was watching television and the contestants were getting married at first sight. And they were talking to their psychologist on the TV show. And both of these contestants, Man and a woman, Were really angry. You could just see it, You could hear it. They were really angry. But they pretended not to be angry, They even said to me the psychologist, I am not angry. And then next scene, They were like, Yeah, I was angry. So why? Were they lying? To be not angry. And that's funny, Right, Because there is this idea that we're not allowed to be angry, At least when I speak for myself as a woman. I've been taught from a young age. That I couldn't be angry. You know, Little girls can't show angry emotions. I don't know about you, Maybe you had the opposite. But that was something I've been taught. And today's session is not about suppressing anger or really becoming calm all the time. I just want to give some examples of what we can do regarding anger and regulating it. And I'm even teaching my own toddler at the moment that anger isn't something to be afraid of. But of course, He cannot kick his baby brother, Right? He is allowed to punch a pillow, But he has to be aware of his behavior. And. . . Yeah, My question for you now is to think about what do you usually do when you're angry? You can think about that. For example, Do you vent? Do you exercise? Do you shut down? Maybe distract yourself, Talk to someone or overthink. So for me, At some point, I thought I need to release the anger. I thought I have to hit a boxing bag. And do some boxing. But at some point I read in a research article that repeatedly intensifying that punching back, Just things like boxing and thinking about how angry you are, Intensifies the anger. And I agree with the research, Because at some point I was punching the boxing gym. And Paul. And getting angrier and angrier. Now, On the other hand, I've also been someone who forced myself to meditate whilst being angry, Which again led to me being frustrated because I couldn't calm down. So my main insights have been by reading many research articles about it, By doing somatic healing, By doing breath work, By doing body work. Is that different nervous systems respond differently. So regulation, I first want to talk about regulation. It's not about exploding. It's not about suppressing or forcing calm. It's about reducing your emotional intensity. So that you have a choice in how you can behave. And anger can both be a primary emotion. But this can also be a secondary emotion, Depending on the situation. So from a psychology and physiological space, Anger. Is considered a core human condition. And sometimes people say, Under anger, There's always fear. That's the real emotion. But there's a discourse on that, There's a disagreement on that. Sometimes anger can be primary, Other times secondary. And in many interpersonal situations, You know, Anger covers the emotion. That's true for more vulnerable states, For example, Fear or shame or rejection, Helplessness, Grief. These are all very difficult emotions to feel and to recognize. So fear, Shame, Rejection, Helplessness, Grief is often under anger. So for example. Someone criticized you? At least I get angry, Right? But underneath that anger, There's a lot of shame and hurt. Another example could be someone is withdrawing from you, You get angry, And underneath that anger is a fear of abandonment. Maybe you feel powerless at work. There's this, You know, You're irritated, You're angry, But underneath is anxiety. And this is why anger feels often energizing, Protective, Because the other emotions like sadness and fear, This is where your nervous system shifts. And you want to have control, Of course, Over this. And that's why you preferably go into anger. I don't know if you can relate to this. But it's important not to oversimplify this by saying anger is always fair. That's not accurate. Sometimes anger is direct, Is healthy and appropriate. So I'm not only saying anger is evil, You shouldn't be angry, I find that very toxic. Anger can be appropriate when you're witnessing injustice. What's happening now in the world. Or when your boundary is violated. When you're being manipulated. Or seen harm done to others. So in those cases, Anger is not masking anything. It's a primary emotional response. And I'm sharing this because with this information, You might know it, You might not. It will help you to. . . Eventually regulates the feeling better. I would like to share one. Simple example we can do to regulate anger. And this is really to reduce emotional overwhelm. And you can start by, I call the exercise labeling. So you might want to share or think about. What do you do when you're angry, Right? You don't have to be angry in this moment, But remember when you were angry? And then. Answer right now I feel and do you say it out loud? I feel angry. We don't say it out loud, Right? Often. Or answer this, Under the anger there might also be your other emotions. For example, Disappointment. Embarrassment, Stress, Feeling ignored, Fear. And my key point is that anger is often a protective emotion covering other emotions more vulnerable or you could just be angry But name it to tame it. Now what you then can do. . . Is use physiology to interrupt escalation. What you can do is. . . For example, Hold something cold. Or splash some cold water over your face. Place your cool hands then on your cheeks. And take 3 slower exhales, So in for around 4 and for example 6 seconds out So you can join me by breathing in through the nose for 4. And out for 6. In for 4. And out for 6. Deep breath in through the nose. And out for 6. And anger is really physical. It often is something where you have a fully activated nervous system. And a simple exercise like that can already tweak the emotion a little bit. Now, I already shared in the beginning that what I did An exercise is of course boxing, Right? When I'm angry. But sometimes this can make the anger worse. But movement can help, Without aggression. So instead of punching, Walls, Rage workouts or aggressive venting with other people, That's also something sometimes what we do. I think of a situation where I'm with my girlfriends and I'm talking about something that made me angry and I just get even more angry, Right? What we can do is try to inset. Let's try to shake our arms for example. Or fast walking. Punching a pillow. Or even some tension release stretches or some pace stepping. And try to do this for 30 seconds. For example, Tense shoulders and then release. Or clench your fists and then release. Because like I shared before, Anger is a very high energy emotion and you can't just, Well at least I can't, Force myself to sit down and meditate and relax. That even brings more frustration. So we need to bring down the energy in a slower pace. So it has to be somewhat of an activity. And the goal is regulation, It's not emotional escalation and also it's not to be like, Okay, Now I'm fixed, Now the anger is gone. Unfortunately, That is something I want. But I know I can't do it. I can't just fix it. One exercise that I normally forget, And it's good that I'm talking about it, Is the slower response technique. So create a gap between feeling and reacting. So you might want to think of a recent annoying situation. And ask, What would my first reaction be? So think of an annoying situation and what would your first reaction be? And what would a reaction be that is 10% slower? For example, You think and breathe and then you answer. Or you lower your voice volume. Or you're not sending the text immediately. You just wait. And regulation is often about slowing momentum. So an example of me would be. . . I receive a text and I get angry immediately, Right? And now I'm trying to teach myself to, Okay, Wait, You don't have to respond immediately. Think about your answer and respond in an hour. And a final exercise is to self-validate without justification, So where we reduce internal resistance. So what often happens, Especially in my case, When I feel angry, I'm like, It has to go away, The emotion. So this is sort of like name it to tame it. But what we can do is say, Hey, I feel angry and add something like, It makes sense that I feel angry. Or I do not have to act on this anger immediately. Or say I can stay in control without suppressing myself. Are there any other sentences you can say to yourself to validate your feelings? Validation is not the same as agreeing with harmful behaviour. But it means acknowledging our emotions without fighting it. So I gave the examples of sentences of, It makes sense that I feel angry. I do not have to act on the anger immediately, Or I can stay in control without suppressing myself. And what are some other sentences you can say to yourself? Can you think about that? Now my reflective questions for this session are, Which exercise feels most realistic to you and is something you will use? And I'm going to repeat them all. So the self-validation without justification. The slower response technique. The movement without aggression. The temperature change reset, Or the name it pause. An other reflective question can be What makes you even more angry? That might also help. Recognize your own patterns in your anger. So thank you for listening. Hopefully I've shared something that will help you. Talks here on Insight Timer always help me. And I'm hoping to continue and create more content. Especially around emotional regulation, Systemic coaching and personal growth. So follow my profile here for more information. Yeah, Thank you.