Step 8 Wisdom: The Healing Power Of Accountability

In this session, we tackle the practical execution of Step 8—"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." The objective of this step is straightforward: Accountability. After doing the inner work in Steps 4 through 7, Step 8 shifts our focus toward setting our interpersonal relationships right. It is an opportunity to put your house in order, repair past hurts, and set a functional baseline for living well.
Applying the yogic teaching of Gyana Yoga (the yoga of wisdom), we learn to view our past actions impersonally instead of drowning in self-criticism or shame. By using the Yamas (don’ts) and Niyamas (dos) as a practical framework, we can take objective responsibility for our thoughts, behaviors, and physical health habits toward ourselves and others, effectively transforming them from the inside out.

Transcript

Okay, So this week we're looking at step eight and step eight is about Making a list. I'll read it. Sometimes it's helpful. For those who haven't been watching the previous talks, What I'm doing is going through the 12 steps. From the 12-step community, Often connected to Alcoholics Anonymous, But it goes with all 12-step programs. The steps are the same. Sometimes the wording is just slightly different. Looking at yoga, The teachings and tools and practices of yoga, And how they support the spiritual principles that are within each step. So for step eight, Let me read that for you. Willing to make amends to them all. The theme, The spiritual quality is accountability, Making our relationships right. So I thought I would read a little bit from the manual for yoga and the 12 steps. Sometimes the wording there is the best wording. So just go with the source. Accountability setting our relationships right, Responsibility for past actions and current behavior. Step 8 offers us an opportunity to put our house in order, To clean the debris created from past attitudes and actions, And set a new course for living well. In step four, We took an overall personal inventory, Identifying areas of our life that were working against our highest good by blocking access to our highest self. We follow this by speaking honestly about this inventory to others, To another. This is step five, Which helps to bring us to a state of readiness to release old patterns. Step six, And this opens us to call upon divine support for healing and transformation, Which is step seven. Now our work becomes focused on interpersonal relationships, Looking at every area of life, Work, Home, School, Etc. , And evaluating our interactions with others. Returning to the Yamas and Niyamas is helpful at this point, As they provide an ideal guideline for thoughts and behaviors. So when we look at this practice of being willing to write any wrong to the best of our ability. Sometimes that is through a verbal apology that we acknowledge to someone, And that ultimately happens in step nine. We figure out the right path of action in terms of setting a relationship right, Or restitution for harm done. It's not always an outward practice. So sometimes it's prayer. Sometimes, Well, I'll go into that more next week when we look at step nine. In step eight, What we're doing is practicing the willingness to look at ourselves and to look at anything that we've done that was hurtful or harmful to someone else. What's interesting about step eight is that it's important to include ourselves on that list. Very often there are behaviors and patterns, Thought patterns, Habits that have been hurtful to ourselves. And so sometimes the way to begin is to look at our own life. And to ask the question, How have I been treating myself? How have my thoughts, My behaviors, My actions, We start with the past and come forward to present, Been hurtful to me? The idea here, Part of how this becomes a freeing practice, And this is really very much how yoga can support it, Is we do not identify with those thoughts, Those patterns, Those behaviors, Those actions, They are not who we are. And that is the foundation for the practice and the principle. In order to take accountability, We need to be standing in our highest self. We need to be in a place of realization. In at least through affirmation, Right? But I will say this, That by the time we get through our practices, The preceding practices of steps one through seven, By the time we get to step eight, There has been a strengthening within us, A strengthening of understanding of our highest self. So that by the time we come to this point, We have a strength within us that can look honestly at our lives. This is the practice of jnana yoga. There's an objectivity and we call it in yoga being impersonal. And that's related to not identifying. I want to be able to look honestly at myself, At my experiences, My patterns, And living from a higher understanding of my soul nature to acknowledge, Okay, This is what I see. This is what I'd like to change. This is what I'd like to repair. I'd like to repair this. What comes in my mind at this moment for my own journey, But also I've had many others talk to me about this in their journey, Is diet. Sometimes the way that we're eating. I mean, I know I've had the experience of saying to my body, I'm sorry, Body, For the way I've been taking care of you or not taking care of you, Asking you to function on food that is not ideal food or not having a regularity with my eating. I can fall into that where I will not attend to the basic needs of my body through healthy nutrition. And I know I'm not alone in that because, As I said, Many have spoken to me about it. Of being able to say, I'll link now six, Seven, And eight. Actually, Six, Seven, Eight, And nine. So in six, We're identifying limitations. In seven, We're humbly asking for grace to transform those limitations. Eight is a willingness to speak directly, To acknowledge and be accountable for anything that is off-center in living rightly. Swami Kriyananda, Asha was just talking to us recently about living wisely, Living well, One of Swamiji's books. And in order to live wisely and well, Right, This yoga is a path for doing that. So, All right, Let me read something else from the manual here. In terms of, So one of the things that we provide in the course, And you can find this in other places, Because it's a common tool within our, It's part of yoga, Part of the yoga practice, Is to look at the different aspects of yogic philosophy. I mentioned at the beginning, Yamas and niyamas. So that's part of Ashtanga Yoga, Which is within Raja Yoga. And that's what we teach at Ananda. And this comes from, Other traditions teach Raja as well. But Raja Yoga is central to our path of practice. And this comes from Paramahansa Yogananda. So this is, Again, Just some notes about how to work with aspects of ourselves that can be challenging to look at. So it's easy to become critical of yourself or another person when you identify a thought or behavior that reflects a characteristic from a lower level of consciousness. The point of the practice is to utilize the information to continue lifting your consciousness and by so doing find your way back step by step to your true divine self. It isn't easy to look unbiasedly at limiting attitudes and actions that are blocking our experience of joy, But seeing this empowers us to make choices that will lead us back to the light and back to living in joy. And that really has been my experience. Each week when I prepare for the talk, I just find myself reflecting on different aspects. One of the things that is interesting about the practice of Step 8 is finding, As I was mentioning a moment ago, That inner strength that allows us to acknowledge something without getting lost in it. I was talking with a student yesterday who was saying to me that it's very difficult. She said it's hard to admit a mistake. And I could feel that as she was looking at it, There was a heaviness that, You know, The feeling of, Oh, I didn't do it perfectly. You know, My behavior wasn't perfect. And part of what she and I were talking about is the value of getting comfortable with this practice of being able to, Sometimes it's referred to sweeping our side of the street, To say, You know, When looking at a situation, What part of that situation is mine? So in interpersonal relationships, When there is difficulty, Very often, It's more than one person that's part of what's going on. It's very rarely one-sided. But step eight is about the one side, Our side. That's where my soul, Accessing soul freedom is going to come from. Let me be accountable for my part and not be concerned or worried about someone else's. I would say it's part of the most difficult aspect of it. I was reminded of a situation in which I was working this step. This was the first time for me when I was working it. And I was reminded of a previous relationship I had been in. And I wasn't in it anymore. So he had moved on and I had moved on. But I was very aware of behavior I didn't feel good about. And I knew that I needed, And part of step eight was to be willing to look at that. And in step nine to make a direct amends. So when the time came, And I will say in preparing for it, I was very aware of his side of things. So I was aware of mine, But I was also very aware of his. And I kept practicing, Doesn't matter. Why? His side of it doesn't matter. What's my side of it? What's my side of it? So when I got to the point where I was ready to just stand in my side of it, And I again will say that the spiritual life is what gave me the strength to do this. And earlier we talked about the power of working with others, Having a mentor and a guide. I had a mentor and guide who could help me see, Now is the time. It would help you to reach out to this person and apologize. And so I did. I found out I was able to contact his mom and say, You know, I would like to, I think I told her that I wanted to contact him and I don't remember if I said I was going to apologize. I had a good relationship with his mom and so she gave me his contact information and I reached out to him. And we had a conversation, And what's so, I think, Beautiful and perfect about the conversation is he listened respectfully to everything that I said. And at the end of it, Just thanked me for saying that. And I didn't realize it, But going into the conversation, I assumed he would say, You know, Here's my part. This is my part of it. And he never did. And I had that moment where within me was like, Wait a minute. I've just said, I'm sorry. Don't you want to say you're sorry? Fortunately, I knew not to ask that question, Which is the spirit of accountability. My accountability is mine. Whatever was going on that precipitated my actions, My behavior, I could say that, My thoughts, I could say that to my mentor, That would be appropriate to say, You know, I feel like this happened for this reason. It doesn't remove the accountability. Yogananda talks about karma and saying an accident, Like even if you're driving a car and you have an accident, You crash into something and get hurt, The being hurt is a punishment. It's a matching of what happened. It was an accident, You didn't mean to do it, But nevertheless you did it. And there were consequences to that. So accountability is being willing to stand in your own truth about What's yours? And there is a great power and freedom that comes from that, Because part of what happens, Interestingly, Is we feel freer in our relationships with others. There is a sense, Because of the spiritual power required to do it, That I become more aware that, In fact, I am not my thoughts and my behavior. I am not those actions. With the yamas and niyamas. It's a beautiful place to look at as a guide. So as a reminder of those, The yamas are non-harmfulness or non-violence sometimes is referred to, Truthfulness or non-lying, Non-stealing, Non-sensuality, And non-attachment. Those are the yamas. The niyamas are cleanliness, Devotional self-offering, Resentment, Austerity, And self-study. When you're looking at the yamas and niyamas, And we covered them in the fourth week on this, So step four of looking at the self and inventory, Part of what you can do is ask yourself, So sometimes non-stealing, Because in yoga we practice it on a subtle level. It's not simply the obvious level of taking something that someone else's a material object. But stealing and non-stealing can also relate to time. So if you have a habit of being late, If you have a habit of not managing your time well, That can fall into the category of stealing from someone else their time. Because if you're late and it only impacts you, Okay, It only impacts you, But then again, That might be a harm you're doing yourself? Is there a consequence, A negative consequence for that for yourself and or for someone else? And if there is, I want to talk a little bit about the accountability piece. So I guess I will bring a lot of eight and nine together. I'll probably do that again next week because they do fit together. Sometimes taking the accountability isn't simply saying, I'm sorry. There's an expression, Words are cheap. They can be, Right? Oftentimes, What's more meaningful is a change in behavior. So saying, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I was late, There's meaning to that, It matters. But doing it differently to the best of your ability will have more meaning. So first we become willing to say, This is mine, I'm accountable for this. This was my part in what happened, Without the expectation that someone else say anything about their part. So I encourage you to think about situations, Relationships, If there's anything where there's a tension between yourself and someone else, And you can see clearly you're part of it. If it's not the bigger part. Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes, You know, Often what can happen is reactivity. So someone else does something and you react to that, But your behavior, It doesn't fall within the yamas and niyamas, Right? It's not your highest self coming through. Very easy to say, Well, I wouldn't have behaved that way if they hadn't behaved that way, Right? I was just reacting to that. But that's not the practice of yoga. Steps, We say, No, This is mine. This is mine to attend to, Whatever anybody else does. Because part of what we're practicing in yoga is strengthening our resting in our deepest, Highest self, This place of inner joy, Of inner light, Of inner peace, Which is untouched by the outer world. In that shining self within is Untouched by the outer world when I'm not quite in it I'm more impacted by what's happening around me And this again is never this awareness is never to be used against ourselves Like oh there I go again being impacted. Well. It's not easy to not be impacted. We do our best We do our best one of the things I talked about in looking at step four, The practice of self-study the inventory is to, Yogananda offers the practice at the end of the day to look at the day and ask yourself how well you did. So this is a way in which we can kind of, How would I say this? Well, I think the practice is similar because we get in the habit of looking dispassionately at our life, Right? Looking at it without saying, Oh, I did this, Therefore I am that, Right? I am this. I am what I did. It's not true. So we want to be able to look at it, Even really very good things. So maybe the day went really well. Maybe all of your relationships are going well and you are doing well in all of them. That's wonderful. The more that we practice yoga, The easier it is. The more that we attune ourselves spiritually and deepen our spiritual life, The easier it is to be in right relationship with others. Is a limited understanding of who we are. We're more than that. We are more than that. We are the perfect divine light of God. That is the teaching of yoga. That is the teaching of Yogananda. And these practices lead us to realizing that. That's what we mean by self-realization. So what happens over time is that this becomes a practice that we welcome in our life. We know that everything, We feel clearer and cleaner and freer in our life. When we're able to simply take responsibility and be accountable. For our side of things. Explanation right without defensiveness without a big story It's not that it's never relevant because sometimes there's there's relevancy But the idea here is to be careful about that. And what I mean is that I'll go back to being late So let's say you're late because there was a lot of traffic, Right? And really that's why you were late and you didn't know there would be traffic. I mean you you you planned it If there hadn't been traffic, You'd planned it in such a way that you would have been on time. So the most natural thing, And it's not a wrong thing to say, I'm sorry I was late, There was so much traffic, But I would invite you to consider what would it feel like to say, I'm sorry I was late, And not explain why. Not say any reason why. What would it feel like? I ask that because sometimes the reason kind of removes us from the ownership of the experience. It's not really mine. It belongs to the traffic. I don't, So I'm saying I'm sorry, But really I'm giving it to the traffic. Rather than simply standing in, I apologize for being late. I apologize for being late. And if the other person immediately says, Oh, It's fine, It's no problem. Okay, Very well, I'm glad it's no problem. You don't have to go on and on about it. But to begin to develop within yourself the ability to simply name anything might have been hurtful or harmful to someone else, Right? Unintentionally. But to the purity of that, And that comes back to cleanliness in the Niyamas, There's a cleanliness in the practice where you aren't carrying the debris of the day. So said differently or imagined differently, Let's say you were late because of traffic, You were late, You didn't say anything, You just kind of rush in, You get yourself going, Whatever. And you don't say anything. And then there's a few other things in the day that were not great. In some way, If you're evaluating the day at the end of the day, It's like, Oh, I didn't manage my time well, Or I didn't attend to my physical needs with my nutrition well. But you don't take accountability for it. At the end of the day, There is a weight to that. That we will carry. If we don't address it. And there's a freedom that comes from acknowledging it. I would say. . . I was going to say more than that. I don't know if it's more than that, But coupled with that is a power. To change. So by clearing the pathway and really looking honestly and really holding standing, Rather, In a place of accountability. Change happens. In my experience, Faster, Because you feel it. You just feel the reality of what isn't in alignment with your highest self. So this practice, It clears away what's blocking it, Which can include unconsciousness about it. It makes space for the grace within us and the grace around us to come in and support us. And there is a motivating component because it does not feel good to be off center. And to do anything that's harmful, So non-harming, Ahimsa. It doesn't feel good to harm anybody. In our highest self, We never feel good about that. However small the action or thought, It never feels good. So by attending to it, You can lay it down. You can give it back to God. You take it outside of yourself, Whether it's expressed to another person directly or not. You name it. You take accountability for it. You release it. And then you move forward. And you move forward with the intention, The desire to do better. I will do better. I'll do my best to do better. So I hope that by talking about this today, I've given you a taste of the power and practice of accountability, How it can serve you in your life. And I invite you this week to be looking at it from a perspective of how can you speak honestly about what you see without identifying with that, Stay in your highest truth of who you are, And consider putting yourself at the top of the list for any way in which you'd like to treat yourself better. You'd like to be kinder and more loving and compassionate to yourself and then definitely to any of your friends, Loved ones around you. Wishing you a beautiful week, Great souls. I'll see you next time. Many blessings.