Smart Sensitive Exhausted - The Emotion Trap Nobody Names

I've been sitting down and working through my emotions for years.

And to be honest,

I think it was a waste of time and energy.

Not because emotions are not important,

But because of the process of how I did it.

And I know that you are smart and sensitive.

And most probably you also experience a lot of emotions.

Because people like us are very sensitive.

They not only feel a lot inside,

But they also feel a lot of what is going on outside with other people's emotions.

The room,

What's lying underneath what we hear and see.

And to be honest,

All of this processing is exhausting.

But as high achievers,

We want to be good people.

We want to make it right.

So we go to therapy,

We go to coaching,

And then another level of even more focus,

Processing emotions,

Talking about emotions,

Writing emotions down,

Integrating emotions.

And I will not say that this is not at a certain point important,

But with a high achieving brain,

I can also say after 15 years of exploration that this can be a trap.

Explore today what kind of mindset and framework can help us to deal better with our emotions and get this emotional sovereignty and clarity that we are longing for.

So let's explore that.

All of what I'm sharing here is based on more than 15 years as working as a therapist and coach myself.

And I had a lot of people in my practice that are exactly like you.

Very sensitive,

Very smart,

High accomplished and exhausted.

Course of all of the processing and what I found out is that when we make this leap this shift that I'm talking about here that we can find a new inner peace that is not available if we are completely obsessed with our emotions pondering about it trying to find solutions and going all these different routes that bring us even more and more and deeper and deeper into our emotional states.

So let's start with the first important point.

Number one.

We don't have to be and sit and feel all of our emotions all the time.

And of course,

In the standard literature,

We hear it again and again,

How important it is for emotional maturity,

Emotional intelligence.

And as I said,

I don't want to diminish the value of that kind of work.

But when you are like me and you have a lot of emotional things going on,

You are so sensitive,

Then you might need something different.

Own stuff.

Of course,

There are certain things that are important,

Maybe traumatic history,

Things we really have to work through.

But then at the same time,

I experienced again and again that I feel something that does not really make sense in that moment.

And we will talk about how that comes and what it can do about it.

For example,

I'm waking up yesterday.

Everything was fine.

Everything is good.

Waking up and suddenly I feel a strange sensation.

It is coming from.

I'm a little bit moody.

I'm a little bit off.

Then I start pondering what's wrong with me.

How can I fix that?

I'm journaling.

I'm thinking about it.

Two hours later,

I'm totally drained because a part of my brain is so obsessed and finding a solution that I cannot clearly see what's really going on.

And being and feeling and sitting with our emotions all the time is not the right fix for that.

So I would say point number one,

Very important mindset,

Shift you don't have to be and sit and feel all of your emotions all the time and i'm not talking about bypassing or suppressing emotions i'm talking about a new way of approaching your own inner world so that you find more clarity and inner peace very quick let's come to point number two The understanding here is that emotions first and foremost are energy.

Of course,

We can say,

Oh,

I have an argument with my partner or my boss is stressing me out or I'm fed up with myself,

Whatever that is.

But actually,

These are emotional states.

And when I'm talking about emotions as energy or emotions as states,

Something,

But I can see how that works,

How it is happening.

And actually in the beginning it might be a little bit difficult because emotions are not always these strong very defiant things where you say like,

Oh,

Now I'm angry or now this is happening.

No,

It's coming in,

It's sneaking in much more fluently or it's hiding a little bit and then it comes or suddenly we feel drained or frustrated and we don't know really why.

And so it's very important that when we want to learn this new posture,

When we want to become more mature with our emotional world,

And recognize the different energetic states.

And we have low states,

And we have high states,

And we have resourceful states,

For example,

Being happy,

And we can have unresourceful states,

For example,

Being numb.

And it does not always mean that high energy is good and low energy is bad.

I can be in low energy,

But in a resourceful state.

And that means that,

For example,

I'm totally relaxed.

In a low-resourceful state.

And that means I'm angry,

I'm overexcited,

Everything is stressing me,

I'm on fire,

But in a bad way.

So we have to learn to make this more clear for ourselves.

We have to learn to understand what is going on inside of us.

And when we do that and we name that,

And sometimes we need to sit a little bit and write it down because it helps us to reflect on that.

But when we learn to name that,

Suddenly it's not just I am angry or I am frustrated or I am whatever.

I'm in this state.

I see this emotion is running through me right now.

And what's very important here is that the more we are getting used to that,

The more we identify it more as state than as I am this or I am that,

We have the opportunity to see how it's working and we can step back from it.

And in the beginning,

It might be a little bit difficult because I'm not talking about stopping the emotion.

Is going on without drowning in it.

And that means that,

For example,

When I'm coming from a heavy workday,

Going into the kitchen,

And suddenly I start snapping at my partner,

I might not be able to directly stop that,

But I can see,

Oh,

Wow,

That's strange.

I'm snapping at my partner.

That's really not fair.

Why am I doing that?

And I don't have to over-explain that.

Sometimes I do.

Sometimes I say like,

Oh,

I'm very sorry,

But it seems that right now in this moment,

It's not possible for me to be different.

So if that's too much for you,

Please leave me alone for a moment.

But when I'm in that state that I recognize what is going on,

It helps me to detach from it and in a very healthy and positive way.

I'm not saying suppressing it.

I'm not sugarcoating it,

But I see it happening and it's not kind of taking over.

And of course,

If we are in situations that are very challenging,

It's also very difficult not to drown in it,

I would say.

When we are learning that step by step by step,

We get more,

I would say,

Like space or room and also time not to react,

But to respond to things.

And as I said,

There might still be triggers where we just snap and we react and that's OK.

But what we are doing then is recognizing it,

Saying like,

OK,

That wasn't really like cool or I didn't want to do it,

But it happened.

And I can say from my own experience,

You know,

In the past it has been sometimes that it had been sitting for three or four or five days in a negative state,

Just trying to figure it out and what is going on.

And I don't understand it.

And it was really messy.

And of course,

That's also very painful because we want to be good people,

Right?

We don't want to experience these things.

And still,

It happens again and again.

What happens when we are coming into those negative states is that we are getting very hard on ourselves.

So another aspect is then that I'm not just having maybe a bad reaction,

But I'm also judging myself for having that reaction.

And this gives another level and layer of stress that my little high achiever brain wants to fix and wants to solve.

So I have an additional level of complexity,

Not only my reaction,

But how I treat myself.

Why is it so difficult?

Why I'm so bad dealing with myself?

Do I have so much negative self-talk and this is also another layer of stress that is really really really difficult So one of my biggest learnings in dealing with my strong emotional landscape,

So to speak,

Was to recognize I have first and foremost,

When I have strong emotional reactions,

To take care of myself.

I have to become my best friend.

I have to build a positive relationship to myself,

Even that I experience very unpleasant states.

So what I like you to do is when you have a negative state,

The first thing that you have to do is recognize it and then be very gentle and compassionate.

With you because it might not be your fault,

Even that you try as much as possible to be a good person,

To deal with your emotions in a good way.

Let's be honest,

It's often very difficult and even though we try,

We cannot do it.

So it's really important that you are good to yourself.

Now let's come to the last very important aspect of this whole concept where we are building presence and more maturity and a different way of approaching our emotional states.

And this is what I call distortions.

Because in all of the years where I have been exploring emotional states,

Where I have been reading all the literature,

I'm a therapist.

I've been doing myself therapy for years.

And yet those emotional states,

Strange moods.

Little reactions,

All of this didn't really go away.

Even that I solved all my traumatic things from the past,

Even that I am very conscious of what is going on,

Even that I do sports and meditation and all the things that you can do.

Still those mood swings,

Those little waves were coming in and moving out and I couldn't really control it or manage it.

What I learned though is that there are emotional states that are just distortions.

They do not have a real meaning.

They don't have a real cause.

They shouldn't be there.

They are just a waste of time.

And so noticing which emotions need your real attention because there's some issue going on that you have to take care of and which emotions you can just drop because they have no meaning,

They have no sense,

They are just little.

.

.

I would say like mosquitoes.

Going around you,

Trying to bite you,

Trying to suck your blood and your energy.

Just noticing them and dropping them.

And these distortions you can identify because you notice That's strange.

I shouldn't fear that.

It doesn't make sense.

So what I learned in the last years is To really look deep into my heart and to sense,

Is what I'm feeling here right now meaningful?

Is the information that the emotion gives me meaningful?

And of course,

We have to learn that.

We cannot just say like,

Oh,

This is not meaningful.

Let's drop it.

That would be a little bit too easy.

We have to build this conscious awareness and this presence where we recognize.

This emotion does not make sense.

It hinders me.

It frustrates me.

It makes something out of me that I'm not.

I don't want to identify with it.

I don't want to take care of it.

I will not waste my time with it.

And these distortions can be dropped by just.

.

.

Finding a posture in which we deny it.

We don't give consent.

So what I do,

For example,

When I wake up and I'm in a strange state and I have done my sports and still,

And it helps,

Sports is really good,

But still there's something going on.

I recognize like,

You know what?

I don't want to give my consent to it.

I want to have a good day.

I want to be productive.

I want to be in a loving state with my relationships.

I want to be there for my friends,

Whatever.

It is.

I will not give more energy and more attention to that,

I drop it.

And of course,

The emotion might not just like kind of go away instantly,

But step by step,

When you do that again and again,

You get this endurance,

This stamina,

This strength,

Where you're so aligned in your posture,

In your presence,

That those things might come and they might never stop coming,

But they come and you say,

No,

Thank you,

And they drop,

They go away.

Super powerful move and actually when I look for example into the worlds of many of my clients they are so empathic and sensitive and smart and they are so much struggling with those nasty distortions when i tell them oh you don't have to sit with them you don't have to integrate that when you feel this is shit you don't have to take more time to do something with that who wants that There is a big wave of relief for many of them.

And I can guarantee you everything that really needs attention from you,

That you really have to address,

Maybe therapeutically or in a coaching session or by journaling,

Whatever is needed here.

You will know that.

Because those distortions,

They would just go away like mosquitoes that you kind of push away or wipe away.

And the things that really need your attention,

They will stay.

And you will notice like,

Okay,

This is something where I have to really look into.

So this is the last very important aspect.

Finding those distortions,

Not giving consent,

Letting them go away.

Sometimes it only needs a couple of minutes.

Sometimes it needs more time and more training for yourself to be in that presence.

And I'm not saying bypassing it or suppressing it or pretending everything is fine,

Even that it's not.

No,

I mean like really building this profound emotional sovereignty that you can build addressing emotions in the way I have been presenting here.