The Thought That Shaped My Life

For years, I lived with a thought about myself that felt completely true. It shaped how I saw myself and how I believed others saw me... until a believed thought became my identity. It led to a life of overthinking, stress, and anxiety, as I was always trying to think my way to something better. If you’ve ever felt stuck in your own thinking, you’ll know how hard it can be to switch your mind off. In this talk, I share the story behind that thought, how it took hold, and what began to change when I started to see my thinking differently and realised that I didn't need fixing. It’s about understanding something that can bring more ease, clarity, and peace of mind.

Transcript

So, I'm going to tell you a story, Because it's a story about myself that for decades I felt was completely true. And I'm telling this story because when we don't understand how our thinking works, It can shape our whole lives. And sometimes it can torment us. So back in October 1983, I was nearly 24, And I've already talked a little bit about, You know, My life had been chaotic, Really. My parents used to row a lot and it used to turn violent. And as the eldest, I'd been the one trying to protect my younger siblings. I'd grown up scared of my dad, Basically, So we weren't close. And throughout my teens and early twenties, I was searching for something, For approval, For love. And, Well, My life reflected that. But by the time this story takes place, Things had settled. And I was in quite a good place. I had my son, I had a job I loved, And I was building a small business with my dad's help. And that bit's kind of important because for the first time since I was tiny, My relationship with my dad was actually getting better. It wasn't perfect, But it was definitely getting better. He was supporting me with the business. And I remember thinking, Maybe I've got things sorted, Maybe I'm not such a mess after all. Then my brother, Stephen, Came home from the Navy. He'd been away for three months or more. When he got home, His wife told him that she was leaving him and he was completely devastated. Later that day, I got a call from our local pub. Stephen was there in a terrible state and he'd been driving my dad's car erratically around the village. The landlord was so worried he said he was about to call the police. So I went to get him. I tried to calm him down and it didn't really work. So I lied. I told him that his wife had agreed to talk to him and to meet him at my flat. And that settled him enough to leave the car and hand the keys over to get into the truck with me. And we head back to my place. And literally, I don't know, I guess we were a mile or so from my home. And for some reason, I decided to tell him the truth, That actually his wife wasn't coming. He just looked at me and said something like, I'm going back. And then he opened the door and jumped out. Stephen fell and hit the road and he suffered a massive head injury. And despite surgeons and, You know, The hospital trying to do everything, He didn't make it. A week later, We had to turn off the life support machines. And I can't tell you what I was like, But this thought just was born that I'd killed my brother and that I'd killed him because I wanted my dad to be proud of me for sorting things out, For stopping my brother, You know, Wrecking my dad's car. I mean, That simplifies it, Really. But it was like a thought that just shaped my life from then on. How could I have possibly thought that I'd, You know, Got things sussed? And that thought became like a, I don't know, I guess I see things quite visually. And it was like a tree, A trunk of a tree, You know, That I'd killed my brother. And all these branches grew off that tree about me, That I was fundamentally flawed. And it got stronger, You know. One branch of the tree was, Like, It said I was undeserving. And every time something happened, Something good happened in my life, I was just waiting for it to disappear or for me to lose it because that's what I deserved. And every loss was a punishment, You know. So, When relationships ended or things fell apart or something was taken away, And I seemed to have a lot of loss, You know, That just seemed to confirm the story, The meaning I made of who I was. You know, Of course that happened, Of course I lost that because I believe that's what someone like me deserved. And another part of me also turned myself, The story turned me into a victim, You know. That's the part of me that wants to tell you the whole story, Every detail, So you will understand, You know, About my relationship with my dad. And then I blamed my dad, You know. I told myself that I'd been damaged and traumatized, I'd been bullied. And those things, I guess they played a part, But I believed all these thoughts and they trapped me inside them. And the tree just got, It didn't just become a tree, It became a forest. And none of it felt like a story, It felt like the truth. And of course, What followed was, You know, Depression and anxiety and diagnosed with various mental disorders. And, You know, Periods of time where I actually didn't function, Where I had complete breakdowns, Which all just confirmed what I already believed about myself, That I was basically, Totally messed up and broken and flawed and no good to anyone. Except for the horses, The horses in my life. I don't know how to describe how important the horses have been in my life. I really, I am so grateful because they were a kind of steadying influence and anchor that kept me, Kept me grounded, Brought me back to myself time and time and time again. And yeah, So grateful for the horses. But then I'm also really grateful for something else that came into my life about, I don't know, Eight, Nine years ago, When I stumbled across this understanding, The insider understanding. Because things, As things started to change, When I bumped into this amazing field of psychology, And it was a slow process. In fact, When I first, The first program I did, I didn't really understand what I was hearing, But things seemed different. Things seemed lighter. And I just wanted to listen more and do more. And, You know, I kind of knew I'd found something, I'd found something that had been missing. The first thing that landed for me was that you don't have to believe your thinking. I was like, What? What do you mean, You don't have to believe your thinking? Of course you do. And that, You know, That, That maybe thinking wasn't such a great thing to do. In fact, I remember in the beginning, I was trying not to think, Which is quite funny now. But yeah, You don't have to believe your thinking. You're not your thoughts. Wow. You know, My dad used to accuse me of not thinking enough. He would always, When something went wrong in my life, Which happened a lot, He would always sort of roll his eyes and say things like, Well, Of course you probably didn't give it enough thought. So I used to think hard. I used to worry about, You know, Thinking. Thinking hard turns into worry. And I wore that badge of honour of being a thinker and a worrier. You know, I used to worry things to death. And when I heard you don't need to believe all your thinking, I was like, Whoa. That was the first thing. And there's lots I could talk about, But I want to tell you about something that hurt that, That really knocked that tree down a bit, Cut that tree down that I'd built, That forest of thinking about my brother. And it was when I heard these words, Which were that everybody is doing the best they can, Given their understanding in the moment, Or given their thinking in the moment. And actually the first time I heard it, I was like, Okay, So yeah, People are trying to do their best. Yeah, Everyone's trying. And that wasn't it. You know, That was like, I was getting a taste of it. But then one day I heard it again, And this time it landed and I went, Oh, Oh, We're doing, Everybody is always doing the best they can, Given what makes sense to them in the moment. We can't do anything else. And that was huge. Because suddenly I had like a wave of compassion come over me, For me, Back on that day in October. And I saw how everything I'd done that I felt so ashamed and guilty of, That I'd done because it looked like it made sense to me in the moment. I couldn't have done anything else. So I had this huge wave of compassion for myself. And then even more, And I'm so glad this, I also had it for my dad, Which meant my dad died a couple of years ago. And the last year of his life was really challenging. He was ill, He was in hospital and he was not the best patient, But I was able to be with him. And I just saw him in a different way. I saw that everything I thought about how he'd been when I was a child, It applied to everyone. Everyone is always doing the best they can. And yeah, Sometimes our best is not very good, But there's something when you understand how we work that allows that natural compassion to come to the surface. And that is why I do this work. That is why I share my story. That's why I want to talk to more people and because when you, I think those words are so powerful. And if you can make them relevant to someone in their life. You know, My life has, The last, The last, Whatever, However many years it is, I don't know, Have just been so much less serious, Which is why I call my group a lifeless series, Because that's how I feel. And that's what I want to give to everybody that I talk to.

Reviews

Thank you. Very helpful. 🙏🏻