6 Parenting Habits That Can Increase Anxiety In Kids

Parenting with love and good intentions doesn't always bring the response we hoped for. If you're worried about child anxiety, you're not alone. Some everyday parenting mistakes can unintentionally increase anxiety in kids, perfectionism, emotional overwhelm, or difficulty coping with frustration.

In this track, child psychologist Sabrina Ragan explores 6 common habits that affect your child's sense of safety and confidence. You'll learn how predictability, emotional validation, appropriate boundaries, and allowing manageable discomfort can help with raising resilient kids.

You'll also learn what child anxiety symptoms often look like at home, plus simple scripts to create more connection, confidence, and calm for both you and your child.

Transcript

I want to walk you through six common parenting habits that, Even with the best intentions, Can cause behavioral challenges and even anxiety and depression down the road. Habit number one, Harsh or over-controlling parenting. So this one is more than just losing your cool once in a while. We all do that. We all have moments where we're overwhelmed and things add up and we snap. This is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about consistently, Time after time, All day long, Day after day, Responding in a Think of it like a weigh scale. If the bucket of yelling and constant correction becomes heavier than the encouragement, The praise, And noticing when they're doing well, Then this causes kids to live in survival mode, To live in fight or flight, Racing for the next time that they're corrected or yelled or doing something that wasn't acceptable. Over time, It leaves them unsure of their worth and their value. Micromanaging doesn't help you. Micromanaging and over-controlling doesn't allow kids to develop their own problem-solving skills, Those executive function skills where they can think through things and then be able to see where all of the issues may be, See where the consequences may be, And then problem-solve their way through issues. Micromanaging robs them of this ability. So in this particular style of parenting, You really don't want your kids to do things wrong or inappropriately, But instead of growing roots and developing their own identity, Self-worth, And ability to problem solve, Instead they grow fear and anxiety and depression. Habit number two, Inconsistent discipline. Imagine playing a game where the rules change every five minutes. One day a game is played this way, And then the next day the game is played this way. You would never know how to have fun, How to engage in the game to be able to get to the end of it. It would be confusing and frustrating and then you would just give up. This is what happens with inconsistent discipline for kids. One day, Something ignored, Another day that same thing may be punished quite harshly. There may be many reasons why we choose to discipline something one day versus not the next day, But this kind of unpredictability causes kids not only to be confused, But makes them quite anxious because they don't know the parameters around their behavior and what will be acceptable and unacceptable depending on the day. What to expect, They either shut down or they push boundaries. And this is where a lot of parents have a hard time because the more the kids push boundaries, The harder it is then to maintain consistency. This well-intentioned parenting strategy also undermines your authority. So kids, When they see that they can get away with things, They will try really hard and they stop respecting the words that you say because they're like, Today it means something, Tomorrow it doesn't, So I'll see what I can get away with. Consistency isn't about being rich it either. But it's about predictability so that kids know what the rules are. They know where the boundaries are. They know what's accepted and what consequences might happen if they break those rules. Predictability creates a sense of safety in them so that they can relax in your care. And then they know that if they push boundaries, What's going to happen every single time. Habit number three, Emotional dismissal or neglect. So this one is subtle but powerful. It's when kids go through and they try and tell us their stories. And to us, They're small because we have a lived life full of experiences. And as an adult, The things that we go through become more intense and bigger. And sometimes the emotions and stress around it are so much more than some of the things that our kids are going through. And so from our vantage point, They're small. And so we'll say things like, It's not that big a deal, Or you're fine, Or it'll be okay. The problem with this is though, From their experience and their vantage point, These things are a big deal and they do have emotions around them. And not being able to have those emotions honored, Listened to, Validated, Causes them not to trust their own gut and their own emotions. Causes them to push them down because it wasn't safe to be able to talk to you in the first place and so they will stop sharing with you. And causes them not to feel valued and honored in the relationship. When kids are constantly told their feelings don't matter, Or worse, Told that their feelings wrong, They start to believe it. These are big deals and it actually starts in childhood when we don't honor the feelings that we're trying to communicate to us. So by parenting this way, Even though we are trying to help our kids through the emotions, Even though we're trying to minimize the magnitude of what they're feeling, What ends up happening is that they bottle them up. Their inner world becomes quite lonely and then overloaded with all these emotions that they're not sharing. And then those bottled up emotions Turn into anxiety and anger layer on habit number four over protection Otherwise known as rescuing this one is so hard and there's so many good intentions behind it where? We see our child. They're sad. They're upset. They're angry They forgot something and they need it now for school and we don't want to see our kids in distress So we want to rescue them from those feelings is really good intentions to go and take away that sadness, That anxiety, That anger, Or go drop off whatever it was that they miss at home and bring it to school for them. The problem is they don't get the opportunity to learn how to manage these feelings. If we rescue them from these feelings immediately, Then they don't expand their tolerance for the emotion. So next time they feel it, They're more likely to fall apart, Have an emotional meltdown. Or when we step in too quickly, Also send kids the message that we believe that they can't handle it. And then in this regard, Not only do they not get to learn how to manage the emotion, They don't get to learn how to manage the uncomfortable feelings around the emotion. They also don't get a chance to allow their confidence to grow. So then when life does throw them a curve ball and you can't be there to rescue them, They freeze. They don't know what to do, Or they fall apart and become an emotional mess because they've never had chance to work through some of these challenging moments. Just like muscles need resistance to grow, The more reps you put in, The stronger that muscle becomes. But if you don't have a chance to work that muscle, We get atrophy. We get weak muscles. It's the same thing with thrown emotion. What you really want to do is walk with them through that emotion and allow them to experience discomfort and help them get to the other side, Not rescue them from the experience. This is an opportunity to learn and grow. Grow stronger and more resilient. Habit number five, Excessive criticism with little praise. So remember what I was saying before about the scale of buckets. If we put too much into criticism or over-controlling and that bucket becomes really heavy and we don't put enough praise and encouragement in the other bucket and balance that out, Then this can cause other issues as well. Even though intentionally we're trying to help our children craft and mold and shape behaviors to be something amazing. The result of this process is often perfectionism. This is where perfectionism starts. All your children hears what they missed, What they should have done or what they could have done better. They stop believing that they actually can do it. They stop believing in their worth and their value. One of two things happen. They start striving to be perfect or they give up altogether. And the challenge with perfectionism is that again, As with so many of these other parenting habits, It leads to anxiety. Because that bar never, Never, Never gets reached. As soon as they get close, The bar then gets moved. And it's such a discouraging and defeating experience because they can never meet that bar of perfection. And so they either get anxious or they give up. Kids thrive on encouragement. Even small moments of praise rewire a child's brain towards resilience and a sense of value that propels them forward, That motivates them to be the best versions of themselves. And if they feel valuable to you, If they feel that what they do is encouraged, Is noticed, And commented on, They're going to want to do more of that and more of that because they want to please you. They want your encouragement. They want to hear your praise. Habit number six is permissive parenting. While it may seem gentler on the surface, It's actually just as unsettling to a child's nervous system. This is the parenting style that leans heavily into warmth, Love, And connection, But resists setting limits and providing strength. Initially, It might seem like there's a sense of freedom, But children end up feeling like they're floating in the sea with no real anchor for their behavior, Their personality, Who they are, And even if they are in a relationship with you. When love isn't paired with clear limits and clear structure, Kids don't know what's expected of them or what they can count on. It's like living in a cozy house with no walls. There's so much warmth and love and connection, But no containment. And for a child, It actually leads to heightened anxiety, Not calm, Not relax, Not chill, More anxiety. Children thrive on predictability. They feel safe when there's boundaries and they know what those boundaries are. The boundaries are predictable. And what happens when they cross those boundaries? When rules are fuzzy and constantly changing or there's no rules at all, They feel confused. They feel like they're floating and it actually makes it harder for kids to develop self-control. This happens because they haven't had enough external guidance to develop an internal compass. This parenting style, While it's well intentioned, Actually sends the message, You're on your own. And this can be really unsettling for a child who hasn't learned how to manage big emotions, Friendships, Disappointments, Developmental milestones, School expectations. And because of that, It can be so deeply overwhelming. So the goal isn't to be harsh, It's actually to be clear, Predictable. To send kids a message, I love you enough to hold boundaries, To teach you responsibility, And to keep you safe. Here's what I want you to know. Harshness doesn't make kids stronger. It makes them scared and anxious. But warmth and boundaries together, That's a formula for true strong kids, Strong self-confidence, And a lifetime of connection with you.