Separation Worries: How To Support Your Child

This talk touches on death and loss. Sabrina explains how to support a young child who is beginning to understand that death is permanent and that they could lose you. She walks through understanding their worry, acknowledging their feelings without rushing to rescue them, a gentle exercise she calls wish talk, reassuring at the right moment, bringing attention back to the present, and keeping a safe space open for any question. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Transcript

Imagine a small child. Wide-eyed and full of wonder and curiosity. Suddenly ripped by fear. And that fear. Fear of losing you, Their beloved parents. Hello, Amazing mom. My name is Sabrina Reagan. I'm a child psychologist and a certified play therapist. It's a heart-wrenching experience. When our children start understanding the concept of death and dying, Suddenly realize that they can lose you as well. So what do you do? With the right approach, You can help them navigate this challenging experience and come out even stronger on the other side. Number one, Understanding their fear. They're just beginning to understand the concept and the permanence of death. And it is so much for their little minds to handle. Prior to this, If they have death and dying within their play, Kind of like cartoon characters, They die, They come back to life, They die, They come back to life. And then there's this short span of time where they actually come to the realization that when something dies, It's permanent. And they have to grieve that loss. And that understanding that death is permanent can be really scary for many kids. So number two is acknowledging their feelings. So how do you help them through this really scary reality that they've just learned? We can't take it away. We can't minimize their feelings because the reality is everyone will die, Including their pets. So what do you do? So the first one is really acknowledging the feelings. Let them know that it's okay to feel sad and scared at the concept of losing you. You can let your child know that this is a normal feeling and that you feel sad about that idea too. Acknowledge the feelings, But not rescue your child from the feelings because the only way that your child can grow through this and be stronger on the other side. Is to experience the futility of this loss, To know that it is a reality of life, To grieve this reality. In their own time. At their own pace, But have you there to acknowledge and hug them through it. You can say something like, I can see this makes you be really sad. And that's okay. And it's normal. Of them. Puddle them through it, Let them know it's okay to cry. Learning and growth. Through the tears, So don't rush them through it. So I'm actually really curious, At what point in your child's life did you start talking about the concept of death and dying? So the next step of this process is to actually engage in wish talk. Once your child has had enough time to talk about their feelings, That you've acknowledged them and you've hugged them through a lot of the tears, Then the next step is engaging in wish talk. And this is such a wonderful way of giving them what they want without actually giving it to them in reality. You can't promise that you're not going to pass away. You can't promise that nothing is ever going to happen to you. And you can't even tell them that it's going to be in a long, Long time. Different experiences happen in life that we can't control, But you can engage in wish talk. And so you can say something like, What do you wish would happen? Let them expand on those wishes. Ask them questions. You can even talk about your own wishes. And even talk about how great those wishes are and how you can see that that would make them so happy. Sometimes just talking about their wishes is enough for them to work through the subject on their own and then that's it. So the next step is to make sure that you provide reassurance. Once they've had time to express their feelings and once you've gone through the wish talk, Going at their pace, Not your pace, Not minimizing, Not rushing and not rescuing. Now is the time that you want to reassure them. Your care of yourself, Staying healthy, Making sure that you're being safe and doing everything that you can to make sure that you are there for them for as long as possible. You can say something like mom and dad are really, Really healthy and we take good care of ourselves. We plan on being here for a very, Very long time. The key with this one though. Again, Is to make sure that you don't reassure them too soon because they need time to process that sadness. Sometimes in our own discomforts, We jump in too quickly, Which does minimize their feelings. And then they don't have the time to experience that sadness and work through it and get to the end, Get to the other side. So make sure you're following their lead before you are reassuring them, Or it could be rescuing them from their feelings. And then no learning happens. Thanks. The next step would be to help your child focus more on the present moment. Anxiety happens when your child projects himself far into the future and worries about worst case scenarios. So we want to help them stay in the here and now. You can say something like, Right now, Let's focus on the things that we really enjoy. And then the last one is you want to make sure that you're talking about this in such a way that you're creating a safe space for them to come to you for questions about anything, Not just about death and dying. Death and dying is huge, But they're going to have so many milestones along their little life. Things that are new, Things that are confusing, And they need the space to be able to come to where they feel safe. They don't feel judged or criticized, Shamed or rushed through the topic. And they know that they can ask you, Feel comforted, Feel reassured and get information that helps their little hearts so that they can keep going on their journey. You want to let them know that they can come to you with any worries or questions that they have. And it's so important that you show them that they experience and they also hear from you that they can come to you with any emotion, Happy, Sad, Mad, Worried, Confused, That you create the space to bring anything that's going on in their little hearts. This is what builds emotional resilience and helps them learn emotional regulation throughout the course of their life. By understanding and addressing your child's fears and creating a space where they can come to you about anything, You are building a really emotionally resilient child and fostering deeper bonds with you. Remember, You are not alone in this journey and parenting can be so challenging at times with all the speed bumps along the way.