They recall on the creator's grace.
May we really receive the creator's grace,
Amma's grace.
May we.
Feel that we're surrounded by it,
That we're being bathed in it.
That it's with us and that we can walk more deeply into the experience of receiving grace.
Grace is like sunshine.
It's for everybody.
All we need to do is to go out into the sunshine to feel it.
It's the same thing about grace.
All we have to do is just open up.
To even imagine that it's there because it is there.
And the more you proceed on the journey,
The more you'll feel it,
And the more you yearn for the creator.
With that innocent child heart,
With that feeling of being like an incompetent fool and needing all the help you can get,
The more you'll receive it.
That's it.
You guys,
We all feel like incompetent fools.
We're always a beginner.
Please,
Please get this.
The teachers just had more.
Ups and downs,
That's all.
And made it through.
And so it is.
Yeah.
I am.
Yeah.
Teachers are just somebody who never gave up.
And there's this the need to really believe in yourself and at the same time to be open to learn like a child.
And that's challenging to hold both of those.
Both of those things together.
A trust and self-confidence in yourself.
And yet the being open to learn.
It's like children,
A child at five.
Knows they cannot support themselves without their family.
So they're open to learn.
They have an instinctive trust in their.
Innocent humanity.
In their creaturehood you guys in their creaturehood Trust in your creaturehood.
You're a creature of the earth,
You're a creature of the divine.
Yeah.
Our creaturehood.
As well as our divinity.
You know what gave Pramasutra the self-confidence was I loved.
Do you see?
I had confidence in the loving.
With this journey.
When I would be challenged.
I could never.
Turn back.
From what I experienced through loving other people.
So,
You know,
Loving my child.
Who had the leukemia.
And calling on the creator and then his healing.
It was like I could not turn my back.
On the fact that that love.
Existed and it had a power to it.
I knew deeply it was my real self.
I couldn't just box it and say,
Oh,
That was just a miracle.
Sometimes they happen.
For me,
It was like.
.
.
It had to change the whole weather of my life,
The whole landscape of my life.
I couldn't turn away from it.
And that's what I want you guys to,
That's what I'm hoping.
That you will never be able to turn away from the experiences that you've had with Amma or have in the satsang.
Or in a session.
That you never turn or just on your own where you experience.
Unconditional love.
Where you experience grace,
That you can never turn away from that.
That is integrity,
You guys.
It's that.
Never being able to turn away from what you deeply know.
And this is why I'm doing this work with this particular satsang,
Dreams and memories.
Strengthens.
Your deep connection to yourself and to help you understand how your ego functions.
So that you can transcend it.
You know,
Some of you know Maslow's Pyramid of Needs,
And the top is self-actualization.
Which is,
You know,
Just coming forward with being able to live and express your talents.
But before he died.
He felt there was another point on the pyramid and he called it self-transcendence.
And that is like self-realization where you go beyond the ego.
So even Maslow in the West.
Got to.
Point of agreement with the Eastern religions.
It just You know,
It was just not long before he died,
So he couldn't alter the pyramid.
That's it.
That's it.
And Carl Jung went so far,
But he never went right through to the experience of past lives.
This is what we're going through now at this era.
Or going right through to the soul.
That's it,
You're all good enough.
Remember the angels came last time and.
.
.
Reminded me that many of you had troubles with loving yourself.
And you know,
As a teacher,
I would attract I would attract you guys because this was my big problem.
We are going to get through to your questions.
I just want to say this.
The what?
You face.
Is your own past.
What you,
What you.
Face in the present is your own past.
You will get fed it again.
And then it's what you do with it.
But if a teacher,
Whatever the teacher's issue was getting here,
That's what their students will reflect.
Right,
So with you guys,
I'm just.
.
.
I just experienced my past and that's why I know that you guys can get through it because I know this stuff.
It's not terminal.
It's very fluid.
You just have to open up.
And be receptive.
To guidance.
And yearn.
Inside and out,
Like.
From inside you and your teacher.
And then yearn with a capital Y.
Yearn to Know what grace is.
Yearn to embody your truth.
Does anybody have an early memory or dream they wish to speak about?
And just come forward.
I promise you that.
Geralt!
Hi there.
Yeah,
So I have a first memory to share.
And Yeah.
I would say this memory of mine was around two years old.
I was around two.
And it was in it was in the bathroom.
So it probably revolves around an accident,
Basically,
An accident that I had.
When I was that age.
I was in the in the bathtub.
And my grandmother was taking care of me.
She was giving me the bath.
Um.
.
.
So.
I don't remember much of feeling but I only remember the need to get out of the bathtub.
And I guess,
Little children being little children,
My grandmother stepped out of the bathroom for a second.
And when she came back,
I had slid trying to get out of the of the tub.
And I had slid and cut my chin right here open completely to the bone.
And so blood everywhere,
Apparently.
As I said,
I only remember just feeling the need to get out and saying,
I'm done.
I just want to go.
Um.
.
.
When that happened,
My grandmother didn't panic,
Apparently,
And I didn't even need to go to the hospital.
Um,
With kind of her,
I guess,
Ancestral remedies with onion skin,
She just did what she did.
And I didn't need to go to the hospital.
No stitches,
No nothing.
I don't really understand myself why but this is my first memory and I just feel it's somehow significant.
There isn't really much more to it.
But that's,
That's really the first thing that I remember.
Yeah.
What do you think about it if you were?
To be asked to speak about it.
What do you think?
You know.
It could be saying that you remembered that.
Just even if you feel like you're wildly guessing,
Just anything that comes to mind and don't be scared about looking foolish.
The only thing that comes to mind is.
.
.
I mean,
It was an accident,
So there is some kind of.
.
.
Like it was something unexpected.
And then it you know,
It hurt me.
And What I feel is that maybe it was me trying to be independent.
And just getting getting out or just trying to get out on my own.
Right.
And then and then I slid and then Oh,
Catastrophe.
And then,
As much as it was,
As much as I'm grateful that my grandmother had that knowledge,
And you know,
On a practical side,
It still probably maybe made me feel possibly like,
Oh,
I'm not going to try to get out again.
Or I,
You know,
I'm just going to be always,
You know,
Like,
I should stay in my stay in my lane kind of thing.
Right?
Yeah.
Yeah,
I could feel like the shock of it.
When you're a child,
I'm also getting a feeling of your grandmother her initial thing was concern for you but she was also it feels to me okay that she was also aware that this has happened on her watch and she had left So it was a little bit of inside her.
Yeah.
I'm feeling like.
This is all under the wire,
But that's also part of the experience.
You know it's kind of like that feeling of oh so sorry you got hurt but also She had laughed and you'd gotten hurt.
There was a little bit of shame,
Kind of.
Ah.
Right.
And I feel like you felt that too.
You felt that.
It's great about the onion,
You know,
That's so.
.
.
It's so wonderful.
An onion can solve,
You don't need stitches.
And you know,
There's also that expression,
He took it on the chin.
Which,
You know,
I just also bring in for the weave of everything.
But I actually think the heart of it is just really what you said.
About trying to get out,
About trying to get out.
And that it didn't work.
And then also you felt it was like this thing from your grandmother,
You also felt that hurt.
Sort of shame,
Embarrassment,
And like,
Oh.
Yeah,
As well as.
.
.
Yeah,
Right.
Thank you.
Because I feel it was a little package of feeling that came to you.
And this is,
Kids are just,
They're like sponges.
They just take everything in.
Yeah,
It's bad enough to try something and fall down,
But then the shame and embarrassment just makes it worse.
But it's very understandable.
On her part.
There,
It must have been quite a scene with blood and water and everything.
Oh.
But at least you didn't drown,
Man.
At least not yet.
But I'm feeling it a lot now.
And I'm realizing it kind of maybe made me feel a bit responsible.
As a child,
Maybe like that it was my yes,
I shouldn't have done that.
And make your pure path.
Yes,
Yes,
I feel this.
Right,
Right.
Yeah,
This is,
Yeah,
Good.
And I think it's just something that's maybe.
Been following me.
Yes,
It has.
Good.
Great.
Good.
Good.
It helps to see the origins of this stuff,
You guys.
It makes it.
It helps us grow beyond it.
Yeah,
Good.
Good!
Good.
I can feel that.
I can feel there's a level on a really subtle level,
Gerald.
There is a rising up in you.
It's sort of like a feeling of,
Oh,
I have permission to come out of this shame.
I don't have to entertain it.
But it's so subtle that by putting words to it,
I mean,
I'm scared I'm crushing it.
I don't mean to do that.
Yeah,
Good.
And it's come back.
Part of what happens,
You guys,
When I put words to this stuff,
You registrate how much you're understood,
So you relax.
Part of how it works.
That's it.
Gerald,
You can come out of the sheen this life.
Jay Ma,
This is so much.
This is so it for you.
This is.
You know,
Zero point this.
Wanting and and what a sweet guy to want to get out of the tub.
On his own.
It's so great.
It's so adorable.
Anybody who's raised boys knows this kind of stuff.
Yeah.
Girls too,
But guys like.
.
.
It's wonderful.
It's a wonderful,
Masculine energy.
It's just wonderful.
Yeah,
Right.
Right,
It just didn't work.
Your grandmother was.
.
.
Yeah,
Just like anybody would feel like,
Oh dear,
I've blown it.
I'm going to get in trouble for this with the parents or something,
You know.
But for her,
It was more like.
These high standards of herself and she was shamed that she made such a Rookie mistake.
Yeah.
Right,
You can get over this.
Right,
This is why I work with these.
Early memories.
It's all in there,
You guys.
I feel that it's definitely been following me and it's just been,
There's so many things that kind of tie into this thing.
Yes.
Right,
Good work.
Oh,
This is really great,
Gerald.
Gerald and I had an exchange before the satsang and actually that exchange has helped open Gerald for this moment so I can see why we had to do this.
This is good.
Good,
Right.
Good.
Good.
I'm getting there,
Really getting there.
Really?
You're really getting this,
Gerald.
Yeah,
Dots are connecting.
Yeah.
It's a lot sometimes,
But I'm letting it go.
Wait a second.
It's a lot sometimes and I'm letting it go.
What do you mean there?
I'm letting it float,
So.
Oh,
Flow.
Okay.
Um,
Yeah,
We can handle anything,
Any discomfiture,
Just be with it.
You know,
These dreams like mine was like,
I've told you being in a castle.
Filled with suits of armor and ghosts.
And that was so much what my emotional climate-wise,
My family,
It's.
.
.
This work is the healing of it.
Do you see this work?
Because I know all the suits of armor and ghosts and everything.
I get it.
So I can help you guys.
You know,
This is,
Please,
Okay,
Don't try to fix this dream.
It's it or fix the complex it's so much what will come up over and over again.
In subtler and subtler ways.
Just watch it gradually dissolve over time,
Okay?
Just keep it in your awareness,
Be aware of this vulnerability and just.
You know,
Reassure yourself when you feel shamed,
Reassure yourself when you make a mistake,
Seem to fail,
Just Just keep.
Reaffirming how bonded you are to the divine.
How you are the divine,
You're loved by Alma.
You're in grace.
Then it gradually,
The pattern gradually dissolves.
But first.
Fear will come up,
Gerald,
As you do.
Move to outgrow this pattern.
It's okay,
Fear is just,
You know.
Fear is just fear.
I remember once getting my soul coming through and going,
It's just fear,
Pramasutra.
Just fear.
I feel that you have really got this on a really deep level and you know that moving into outgrowing it over time,
Okay?
Yeah,
I keep getting,
He will not falter.
This is what I keep hearing,
Gerald will not falter.
I don't know why I'm getting that particular word.
Bye.
Right.
And right,
And the other thing is.
.
.
What helps us get over these things is You know.
Aiming towards silence.
Seek silence within.
I did.
You know,
I say we all talk too much,
You guys.
Inside and out.
In silence,
The truth can bubble up.
I get it.
In silence we receive.
Yeah,
That's it.
That's it.
Yeah,
It's probably.
You know,
One of the first times you went up into your head.
This bath.
And you really went up with this.
I mean,
There was blood,
There was the shock,
There was your grandmother's shock,
There was a fuss.
Yeah.
You know,
Gerald,
There's this depth that your soul's really wanting you.
To come into NU.
You know this,
You're aware of it.
Yeah.
There is a depth of connection to your true energy.
Yeah,
And it's kind of,
It feels like you don't know how to do it.
You know it's there and you don't know how to do it,
But it's not anything that you can do.
Just comes.
It comes as we allow it.
It's why I hammered you about being receptive.
And not to argue.
Right.
That's what we have to get like you guys.
We just have to get like.
Thrown back on ourselves and not know what to do and turning to the Creator.
You know,
Gerald,
I'm seeing this.
A confusion.
And it's around.
Being good.
I mean,
It is the thing that's stopping this connection.
Stopping you from feeling how connected to truth you are.
Hold on,
We'll just be here.
It's like I feel like the creator wants to come in.
I'm seeing Amma.
But I'll call her the creator.
Because she is the creator.
And she wants to help you become more playful.
Yeah,
It's like to play out of this.
And to follow up on anything that makes you feel lighter and playful.
Right.
It's really going to help you.
I think,
You know,
Premasuddha certainly understands this.
I'm sure all of you guys do,
How heavy we get.
Intellectually with our thoughts and what we think is right and everything and we forget to play.
We come out of things through playing lots of times.
You know,
Through laughter and play.
But it's hard to play when you're feeling.
.
.
You know,
Heavy.
I'm just going to.
.
.
Creator is going to help you with this.
Yeah.
That's it.
And to give you more experiences of light.
This bath incident,
It feels like it was a big thing.
It got you physically,
It got you also the feeling of not being safe.
You know,
As well as falling,
You know,
But.
Not being safe.
You know,
That even that,
You know.
Really,
As a child,
I feel you would have been aware that your grandmother did leave you.
And that you.
Went through this on your own.
But at the same time,
You.
This is where you try to do something yourself when she goes out and you like trying something.
Yeah.
It's a big thing.
I get it.
Yeah.
Just sit with it.
Just sit with it.
And let the light come through.
You know,
The day will come where you consciously see what I mean when I talk about the desire to be good and how much this has cut off.
A deeper understanding.
Coming.
When you really see this,
You will be able to make.
Much faster progress.
Because right now your whole idea of the spiritual journey is a little bit blinded by this And I'm seeing it like white.
But it's the trying to.
Belief that you have to be good,
Do it,
Be good.
White.
It's not the white of transcendence.
It's not the color of transcendence,
But there's a color of transcendence coming in behind it.
And I don't want to load you up with it.
It's like,
You know,
Maybe even think about it in six months.
I don't,
I don't know.
I don't want to load you up with a whole bunch of things for you to think about.
Hearing it.
It helps,
Yeah.
Yeah,
It's like as if you went,
Oh,
I should just be right good.
Just like what you said,
That you should just sit there in your box,
Right?
Six there in the tub.
Like a doll.
Don't move.
It's like what you said,
Yeah.
Okay,
I'm seeing a lot more light now coming behind this white.
Good,
Good work,
Man.
Very good work.
Jay Ma.
Thanks.
That really helps.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah,
Thank you.
Yeah,
We have to take care of our humanity,
You guys.
This is taking care of our humanity,
Our creaturehood.
To understand ourselves.
So that we can transcend.
Yeah.
Good.
Okay.
Who else wants to come forward,
Please?
I'm going to say hi,
Saskia here.
Saskia.
Thank you,
Gerald.
I had an early memory I wrote you about when I was very little in the incubator.
And when Gerald was speaking,
I started feeling a pain under my right chest.
And that memory came back.
And when Gerald said,
I need to get out of here.
That feeling was in me so,
So big.
That feeling to get out of here,
Not a bathtub,
It was before my birth.
I had that feeling in my mom's body,
I need to get out of here.
And I did I came out early and really fast.
And after I landed in that incubator.
And all of a sudden,
I felt that pain.
I was just lying there.
And I felt like it's my fault.
I came out early.
And now look,
This is the punishment.
And I just can't do that anymore.
I'm just lying there feeling guilty.
Gerald spoke,
And all of a sudden,
I knew it before,
But then I felt it.
And even if I know why,
I know why I did that.
I know why I came early and all that.
Ever felt it and I just.
I don't want to be there anymore.
I feel so shaky.
Right,
You're okay.
You're okay.
I just need help to get over there.
You know what's so great is this is the stuff,
You guys,
That people can meditate for 30 years and never get to.
You know,
So it's like.
.
.
Just getting down to these levels,
Saskia,
Is really,
Really good.
It's okay,
You know.
All your feelings about it.
You know.
And all the misunderstanding of it.
And what happened to you as a little one,
It's all okay.
It's not too hard for you.
It's not too intense for you.
You're bigger than that.
You're bigger.
This happened.
You were feeling so intensely as a child,
As a little one,
You were feeling all of this so intensely.
Yeah and you know what it's okay saskia it's like your wires inside you can handle it do you know what i mean it's not you're not going to blow your circuit You're not going to,
It's not like you're going to be faced with a wall that you're never going to get through.
This is getting through the wall.
Just what you're doing.
Yeah,
It's funny.
I'm wanting,
It's funny,
You're kind of running away.
It's like a feeling as if I don't quite get it,
But Saskia?
I really get it.
Like,
I really get the levels of pain you're speaking from.
There is nothing.
Like that.
I am an experience to my own life.
Do you see what I mean?
It part of you wants to make it like wants to put I can feel it wants to put like a cross over this and go here lies Saskia here is where her truth died this is so sad and it was so sad and it's so sad and it's like this is the resurrection sweet one What I feel is I feel like,
I feel like I keep blaming myself.
Yeah,
You do.
You do.
Yeah.
Yeah,
And that pisses me off.
It pisses me off that I keep doing it.
Give it that I keep that I have to have.
That I'm guilty for that.
It's just not right.
So you know the part of you that's blaming you and the part of you that's mad at the part of you that's blaming you is all ego.
I know.
You sort of know.
Sort of.
But you're doing it so you know,
But you're doing it so you don't know.
Yeah,
I can feel like you want,
Hey,
Sweetie,
You want the cross to be there.
Like you want this child's true nature to be dead.
I want you to listen to what I'm saying to you.
You're wanting this sad story to stay unhealed.
How do you feel when I say that?
Comes through like in a fog.
Right.
This is the dirty little secret that is inside people's egos,
You guys.
It's sort of like.
I want freedom,
I want freedom,
And then these parts,
These parts,
It's like.
.
.
I just want to keep the same old thing going,
But I want to be a spiritual student and I want to try really hard.
And I'm saying this with total devotion.
This is not bad.
It's just so human,
You guys.
It's just what we're like.
Do you know why you're like this Saskia?
No,
It's like you're scared that you would just.
I don't know,
Head off and go live in Hawaii or somewhere and go.
Just go.
Bye,
Everybody.
I'm going to go.
Do I,
And I'm going to meditate.
Mind the sun.
Live off the land.
I'm just going to go do my thing.
Everybody else can do their thing.
How do you feel about that when I say that?
Oh.
Scary.
It feels scary.
Yeah,
The trouble is Saskia,
Like.
.
.
This is where you get stuck like So you've got a very good.
Inner awareness so you can identify this stuff.
But you've got this no going.
About actually allowing it to clear.
It's like a car with the brake on.
And the gas pedal down.
Right,
And so you live with that discomfort here.
But the problem for me is you want to keep.
Talking to me at this level.
You know,
Like we can't come in here.
Thank you.
And it's always a no.
So I may not let you speak next time.
If I feel we're going to go here again.
Okay,
Good.
Okay,
Good.
Okay,
Good.
Actually,
You're relieved.
You see,
This is often,
It's like inside there's a kind of feeling of relief that the teacher's going to take this in hand.
You know,
That the parent's going to do something,
There's a relief often.
You know Saskia,
If you let this through you would just.
.
.
Love more.
If you just let yourself be,
You would just love more.
That's what you're so scared of.
So when you get.
Your aunts and your parents,
I want you to remind yourself.
Of this.
Please go to self-compassion because Focus on self-compassion is how Premasutha got through this kind of stuff in her own life.
If nobody else can do it for us,
Really.
We have to love that.
Innocent energy.
One-year-old kid.
Tiny newborn baby stuck in an incubator,
You know.
And the compassion you need for yourself is just,
You know,
There's an example,
It's sort of like When we interrupt the the patterns for thousands and thousands of years of children being held at birth.
When interrupt them with things like incubators.
There is a very deep disconnection that takes place.
And like a total feeling of cellular.
Abandonment.
Now,
Part of you Saskia would hold on to this explanation and make it more of a reason why the child always has to stay dead.
But I'm telling you this as it's something that can be healed too.
It's healable.
But you need to be able to see it in your life and see how this.
Boxing happens.
This self-abandonment happens.
And see very clearly how it happens and feel very clearly the cost of it.
And when you do that,
It will heal.
When you really feel the cost of keeping this going.
It will heal because whatever you're doing to yourself,
You are doing to your children.
Pramasuta comes in for the.
.
.
Telling you that whatever you're doing,
You will be doing that to your children.
That will be the message you're giving them about themselves.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
You know,
Sweetie.
Saskia and Premasiddha are both writers,
So there's a writer's mind that is very familiar to me.
So anything I'm saying with you is is what I've seen in myself,
You know,
And it's all healable.
And finally,
I'll tell you what happens is we start seeing the insanity of keeping it going.
And when you really start feeling the insanity of keeping it going,
It stops.
There's part of you that just feels safe in this.
Old spot,
You know?
How do you feel?
How's your body feeling?
Relax.
You know,
All this stuff isn't the end of the world,
It just teaches you.
It just heals over time,
You know,
As we stop fussing.
And just yearn and focus on self-compassion,
You know?
Right,
Good.
Okay,
Good.
Okay,
Good.
Yeah.
Okay,
Good.
To make room.
I feel like I want to make room.
Yeah,
Just make room for all this.
Make room in your heart for this.
Yeah.
Very good.
Good!
But it's this stuff.
This is why fairy tales are written you guys and why that's like the mom,
Whatever,
Some moms are putting kids in the oven and everything.
It's when the mother is not allowing her innocence,
She will not allow the innocence of the children.
Yeah,
And just like,
Yeah,
Just make room.
Just make room.
This is the bravest work you can do.
There is nothing scarier.
Truly.
I mean it,
It's like.
You know,
It's the equivalent of going to the moon in a feeling like the rocket ships.
Possibly faulty.
It's kind of like that level of fear.
Right.
I am.
I feel like there's a little bit of willingness for your depth,
To allow your depth,
And to allow an expansion of understanding.
And this expansion of understanding comes from the silence,
You guys.
We allow the silence.
We surrender.
We realize that we're just hopelessly human.
We cannot solve it.
Especially when even our human mind is affected by the early memory we're talking about.
So it's where our heads started going a bit nutty.
With the injury.
To our souls.
You know,
It made us.
Well,
This is good,
Saskia.
Please.
See you now.
You're making room.
Thank you.
I know,
It's so scary.
It is.
But it's all healable.
Good work.
Okay.
Who hasn't spoken before?
Cat,
I keep on looking at you for some reason.
Is there something cooking with you?
Who hasn't spoken,
You guys?
Please come forward.
I will end up getting tough,
You know.
I mean,
You guys,
There's part of you,
But you'll have to come forward or you won't be able to continue with the sad things.
I want everybody to step forward on this.
There's no hiding possible.
Okay,
I'm untapped.
All right,
I need it.
Is anything.
.
.
Did anything come up for you?
Oh my gosh.
So much.
Do you like hopping?
Well,
I've been listening and listening for some time.
Maybe you know that.
As a timer and site timer.
I do have an early memory.
Um I was in the hospital.
Had my sister was holding me.
And that's all the story.
But in the hospital,
I do remember being there and being taken from my dad.
Because they needed to help me.
I had broke my leg.
How old were you?
I was like probably about two.
Okay.
And there is,
You know,
A big story around it.
It was during the big blackout in the east coast of America.
So there's a story that the family would talk about.
But what I remember,
And of course the stories are there,
But I do remember being taken from my dad at the hospital and him walking away.
So the thing is And me.
Like calling for him,
Dad,
Dad,
Come back,
Because I was,
You know.
I didn't want him to leave,
Of course,
You know.
But even be,
Go ahead.
Sorry.
No,
Was your mum there too?
No,
No.
No.
I definitely remember it was just my dad.
You know,
I've,
You know,
Obviously,
I've,
Well,
Not obviously,
But I,
I,
I thought about it because of the story.
And,
And,
And it was,
The story seems kind of funny,
But it was,
We were going out to get candles,
All of us,
Like everybody to because of this blackout,
But maybe it was before the lights actually went out.
I don't,
I don't really remember that part.
But So it was me wanting to be held by my mom.
I wanted my mom to hold me,
But then it was my sister that held me.
Because my mom was pregnant and said,
Ann,
You hold Catherine.
This is good memory,
Good memory that you can remember all this great.
Well,
Yeah.
And well,
I think it may be the story,
But I do remember being in the hospital.
So what I'm guessing what happened was that my mom just said,
You know,
Okay,
Go take her to the hospital.
Okay.
And Jim,
You go do that.
Dad,
Take you to the hospital.
Are they alive now?
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
So I can't get,
That's okay.
That's okay.
That's okay.
It's so funny,
You guys.
So when did,
How did you break your leg?
So my sister fell.
On and I was holding me.
I know.
Oh.
And what's.
.
.
A little bit.
Ironic,
Or like you said,
The past comes back.
I'm a new Grammy.
And I fell yesterday with my granddaughter.
Is she okay?
She's good.
We're both good.
Yeah.
Thank God.
And,
And,
And I think,
You know,
I,
I definitely been using that,
Um,
Continuous prayer.
Whenever my mind gets,
And I,
It's Lord have mercy.
And I just wait,
But there's a beautiful,
There's beautiful,
I feel reason for this is it's again,
It reminds me of of Gerald's and my dialogue ahead of time,
It's as if this Prime Vue.
For this.
And this is why I said Cat has something to say.
Cat has something to say.
I kept on Do you see what I mean?
This would have brought it all up for you.
Falling with your grandmother.
Do you see what I mean?
Following with your granddaughter.
Get yes yes yes yeah because part of you even when you're telling the story when your dad left even your face i'm sure everybody saw it registers the shock and the abandonment i mean even your the way your face looks as you were speaking It was palpable.
How upset you were.
Definitely.
And I'm feeling you still are.
I can feel it.
I can feel the power of this memory,
The power of the past memory.
Yeah,
And it was as if you It's like you lost the connection to yourself with this.
Ooh,
I'm really getting this.
The whole feeling of safety in life.
And it was a sequence that your mom didn't take you and your sister fell,
And then you're in the hospital and then your dad even.
Lets you go.
All right,
I can feel it.
A loss of safety in life.
Okay,
And that's dog you.
Throughout your life.
It's healable,
Kat.
Healable.
This is so good.
It's so good that we can identify it.
That's where you lost that sense of safety.
So it can come back.
You just,
It's you guys,
This is where it's really important to take responsibility for yourself.
When we go through,
We.
.
.
This is why I'm doing these sessions.
I want you to understand how much these experiences disturbed your lens with which you look out at the world.
Do you see what I mean?
We just bring that stuff in our glasses.
When we look out at the world.
Is this the black,
The dark glasses I'm talking about?
Once you're awake to this.
You can.
Stay conscious about this vulnerability and work with it.
So if there's feelings of lack of safety.
It's then start a dialogue with the creator or whatever you can do for yourselves.
Hot baths,
You know,
Getting a pet,
Whatever you can do.
To help.
Reweaves that.
And it's not an overnight fix.
It takes time,
You guys.
It takes time.
And effort and you have to keep your consciousness aware of it and focus on the healing.
Kat,
There is tremendous breadth of knowledge wanting to come through.
Are you aware of this?
No.
You guys.
Really,
Really hear this.
The feminine has been so repressed.
We function on like 10% of our full feminine consciousness.
Please understand this.
But once you start.
Learning how to allow it to come in.
Your breadth of understanding.
Skyrocket.
You see,
It's like it can all come in like a flood,
Like a beautiful flood.
You know,
Like something that's overdue,
Something that's knocking at your door that's long overdue and you open the door and you get Christmas.
Okay.
This really wants to happen in you,
Kat.
This very expansive,
I'm going to say feminine understanding,
But it's not just feminine.
It's like Your soul has a very broad understanding.
It's like,
I think you're an old soul.
It's like there are a lot of lifetimes in this.
Right,
A lot of lifetimes of knowledge and understanding that It's like you couldn't expand into.
And for you guys,
I'm talking about the feminine,
But there will be the similar thing going on in your masculine.
Your true masculinity is wanting to come in too.
But I just.
Working with cats,
So it's feminine.
That's it.
So how do you feel when I say that there's this breadth of knowledge wanting to come in?
Well,
I guess it's that same.
Not safe still you know not safe to not not to be yes that's it it's not this is what stops it do you feel like it's not safe yeah Yeah,
Like,
Oh,
If I was to share my knowledge,
It's scary.
Do that and,
You know,
And they might leave me.
They might leave me.
Sure.
The thing is.
.
.
There's a very big,
Wide expanse of knowledge.
And you see,
Premasutra was scared to bring this in for her too,
But it's what my gift to you guys is.
This expanse of knowledge.
So I just want to say,
I see you,
Kat.
It's like you have the same kind of,
There's a very broad.
Understanding.
That all you have to do is admit.
And you don't have to upset people.
The more you can just admit it and let it in.
The more safe you feel letting it in,
The more other people will just go along with it.
They won't argue.
Do you see what I mean?
It's when we feel unsafe that people go,
Oh,
You're weird.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
I'm at peace with my knowledge,
So people come to me and want it.
Nobody's going,
Oh,
You're crazy,
Premasuddha,
Or I'm not hearing them anyway.
Yeah,
I could feel you don't get this.
I think you just need to marinate in the fact that you have a very big expanse of knowledge wanting to come in.
And it's knocking at your door.
And as you open it,
You will feel happier.
Yeah,
I can feel,
Oh yeah,
No,
Not allowed,
Not allowed,
Not allowed.
Yeah,
Yeah,
Not allowed,
Not allowed,
Not allowed.
Yep.
Oh,
Yeah.
Oh,
Dear.
You've got some very harsh opinions about yourself.
Yeah.
To do.
I want to say air.
Ball.
Shite.
Okay,
So I saved myself all the time.
And,
You know,
Again,
Yeah.
You say what to yourself?
Oh,
Yeah,
I know those voices of I don't you know,
It's you lost your safety in this early years.
Okay,
So you guys it decode this is where I say we can decode ourselves like I decoded myself with these my dreams about suits and armor and ghosts and I realized all these I'm going to melt these defenses over time.
It just explained myself to myself.
Yeah,
You know,
Kat,
Right now,
It's okay.
You're doing what many people do with this,
And even some satsang members.
It's like,
Say,
I don't want to take responsibility for this knowledge.
Just say that to me,
Please.
I don't want to take responsibility.
For this knowledge.
Say,
I want to stand aside and think about it maybe,
But not do it.
I want to.
Stand aside and think about it.
And see it,
Think about it,
But don't want to do anything about it.
Right.
Okay.
So Kat,
Just let yourself be there,
Sweet one.
Okay.
Okay,
Please,
You guys,
Just compassion.
Just let yourself be there.
And even if you can't have compassion for yourself,
It's okay,
Just let yourself be there,
Okay?
I mean it.
I really mean it.
I'm not patronizing you or playing any kind of game.
I'm saying,
Yeah,
Just be there.
Just be there.
Because that's the truth of it.
That's where you are.
That's the truth of it.
It's how it is.
Sometimes we just have to let ourselves Alone.
And just be where we are.
Just be where you are,
Sweetie.
Yeah.
Yeah,
Right.
Ah,
You guys,
Yeah.
You know?
Just,
It's beautiful.
Yeah,
Okay.
Thanks,
Kat.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My friend,
Alicia.
Alisha!
Bye.
Sweetie.
Thank you.
You knew I'd do this,
Right?
Have you had any thoughts about your earliest memories?
Well,
I feel I had more very random memories that are not so.
.
.
You know,
Tragic or profound or anything,
You know.
I think the most profound memory was a positive one.
But I was already four when this happened,
So yes.
Yeah.
Well,
You can tell that one too.
So just tell me what that one was.
Okay,
So when I was four,
My parents bought like a country house and I went over to the neighbor's garden to see what's going on there.
And.
Like,
Yeah,
Like there was one grandmother with her grandson and the grandson was around my age and he was very,
Very happy to see me and he started jumping and said,
Grandma,
I have a new friend.
I have a new friend.
And then we became very good friends.
I think this is a very profound memory that I have.
Lovely.
Yeah.
And so,
Yeah,
We played the whole childhood,
You know.
Fantastic.
Lucky,
Lucky,
Lucky,
But you know,
Pre ordained,
But still lucky.
Yeah.
Yeah,
Good.
Yeah.
Oh yeah,
How about earlier,
Scrolling back,
Have you got anything?
At all from early,
Early.
I have a lot of random memories.
Maybe I haven't thought of them a lot,
But it's more like,
I don't know,
A child in a kindergarten would paint,
You know,
Paintings and we were told to paint a landscape.
And,
You know,
There was one girl who just painted a thin line on top of the painting for the sky and a thin line on the bottom.
And it was a green line.
And that was it.
And somehow,
I don't know,
This comes up in my memory.
Yeah,
Once in a while and I was very shocked as a child,
Maybe because I felt like she wasn't allowing to do her own thing in life,
You know,
She was just,
You know,
Trying to stay safe and not Yes,
Not show anything of her own in this painting.
She just played by the rules that what was allowed to paint.
I don't know,
I was very shocked as a child.
I don't know,
I was maybe three,
Yes.
So she played by the rules to the point of like anything of herself and not putting anything of herself yeah always being her other friend whatever the other friend did she all right I don't know why I remember this but I don't know I I don't even know she she wasn't even my friend or related to me,
But I remember I was shocked as a child to see this,
You know,
Yeah.
Yeah,
It's interesting that you were compass-mentis enough to notice and see so deeply.
About what was going on with her when you were just three.
Well,
I mean,
Maybe I wasn't analyzing this when I was three,
But I just saw that the painting was basically empty and Yes,
I was wondering why,
You know,
Yeah.
Yeah,
But still,
You know,
There's a comprehension in the fact you remember it,
Even if what you comprehended was not very verbal.
You sort of got it.
In a glance.
So yes,
I think I have many random memories like this that don't seem to mean much but I just give me another one.
Give me another one.
I don't know,
It's like about kindergarten food,
You know,
Like the proper food wasn't delivered one day,
So they cook chocolate pudding for us,
For example,
You know,
Stuff like that,
You know,
It's very random.
Um.
.
.
So nothing about like with your mom or like early,
Was your mom at home with you?
Well,
Both of my parents were freelancers,
So they were at home,
You know.
Both of them were.
Yeah,
But I think I have to think about it.
I haven't,
You know,
Like thought what I should come up with at the satsang.
I was just You know.
Participating and listening and I didn't realize that it was going to be you'd have to do this if you want to continue I know you guys so I know you.
Okay,
Well,
Like,
Think about it,
Because it's interesting to me that the thing that comes up are,
You know,
Memories of Like that you'd remember a kindergarten thing like that,
Or a play school thing like that,
Yeah.
Cheers.
You do a little bit more.
Thinking about it.
And remember,
Alicia,
Remember.
You know,
It really matters.
It really matters.
Yeah.
So it matters for your life and for your inner freedom.
You know,
This process.
I mean,
There's part of you that often is a mused spectator,
One foot in and one foot out.
You know,
I let you do this because there's levels that you make progress anyway.
You do.
You do,
You just do.
In your own way.
And part of it comes because there's a big trust of Pramasutra.
If you can engage with this process a little bit more in this case about your memory,
Because you know,
Where we get lost early.
Um,
You know,
When,
When that comes back,
When we lose part of our soul early,
We're you know,
99% of people do.
When it comes back,
It really enhances our lives.
Like,
So for me,
This is,
You see,
This is the opposite.
Being with you guys is like playing together on a Hawaiian beat.
It's the opposite of.
You know,
My early dreams of cold castles and ghosts and suits of armor.
And,
But I don't want you to stress about remembering.
I don't want it to like,
Yeah,
Stress you out.
I'm just wondering.
If you could.
You know,
If you could allow yourself to remember something.
I'm getting It's almost connected with self-forgiveness.
It's like,
Forgive yourself for forgetting.
Forgive yourself.
For you know,
Partly wanting to run from this level.
Of understanding.
Right.
Yeah,
I'm feeling that self-forgiveness is key.
To what you have to learn in this life.
And I'm seeing a bell.
That's kind of cracked.
It's got a chip out of it.
So it can't ring.
And because this bell doesn't ring,
What happens is.
It's hard for you to really It's like.
.
.
In a way,
I want to say no truth when you hear it.
To really let the penny drop.
Because this bell has a piece out of it.
And I'm just going to put the piece back now.
I feel like I'm going to reach through time and space.
Present and past.
And I'm reaching this bell.
And I'm putting the piece back.
And it's a church setting,
So there's something about religion in here for you.
The religious way.
And it's like,
It's part of where you got knocked off your truth was through some experience of religion in some life.
Where you couldn't forgive yourself.
And this,
Oh,
I'm hearing it again.
You're saying,
I want it to stay broken.
It's like with Saskia.
This is what we're like.
But I'm saying to you,
If it stays broken,
You can't have yourself,
This life.
You will walk around in static.
That's it.
Okay,
You let me.
You let me put the piece back.
And going forward,
You will feel sturdier.
As all this kind of,
As you understand it.
So I'm going to ask Amma to help the creator to help you.
Which is all of your soul anyway.
Two.
Help you remember.
To my things.
Right.
How do you feel?
Alicia,
Hearing just all that I've said.
Well,
First I felt like a bit nausea or something.
I don't know why.
Like something and now it's.
Now it's gone,
The nauseous feeling.
Do you know what the nausea is?
Not being able to stomach the truth or yes yeah stomach your true nature it's like when you feel nausea this is being healed so actually you're moving into being able to stomach your true nature more And that's why I had the feeling of being able to go forward more.
It was good.
It's good.
It's as if this process will help your mind become quieter.
And that you can make more space just like what you're doing.
What happened with Kat and Saskia.
And Gerald too.
Within yourself to be.
That's it.
Oh yeah,
It's beautiful.
You know,
It's because this.
.
.
This feminine is coming back and she's so overdue.
We need her so much.
That when we give permission for this level of being,
It just comes in.
So strongly to help.
I'm feeling like I'm speaking too much.
Alicia,
I think I don't want to kill this with words.
Is there anything?
Else or are you complete or is there anything else too?
Yes,
And with early dreams,
I think I dreamt a lot being chased by bad people,
Yes,
Or you know,
But no particular story.
It was just like running away,
Being,
Yeah,
Running away from a dangerous situation,
Things like this,
Yes.
Yeah,
But that's it.
I mean,
That's how you live.
Right now.
Yeah.
It's like you like,
You know.
With your mom and dad like any child.
You know,
Certainly you didn't feel your mom was there for you.
And so it did not,
You did not feel safe.
These people that you were with.
It's like you could not have your true self.
And,
You know,
Our parents.
To kids,
We come in with our souls,
You guys.
And our parents,
You know.
They're not in truth.
So for us,
We love them,
We need them.
And at the same time,
We're registering that there's a level that they're bad people in a way,
You know,
That it's not safe.
Again,
This is very deep levels of sensitivity that get expressed in fairy tales.
It's like just normal loving families.
In our culture,
Which is so alienated.
The Buddha child registers.
These aren't the safest people to be with.
But there's more in there,
The bad people.
We've also left you with,
You've got a strong sense of justice.
You came in with this.
So that's also in your idea about like,
You know,
Bad people,
Like people who are doing things that are unjust.
Yes.
And that's part of you know,
While you do your work.
Protecting people.
Yeah.
I'm seeing you in a very white.
.
.
A mansion.
And your.
Looking across the grounds.
This white,
It almost looks like the White House,
You know,
It's,
But you're in this sort of a veranda near the roof and you're looking out and you're kind of like this extremely wealthy child.
And you're just looking out.
At the world.
I don't know where that's coming from.
You mean not very participating in life?
Yes.
High up,
Like several floors up.
Yeah.
And looking up.
Yeah.
Yes,
I'm sure there was a lot of fears in participating in life or going forward or yes.
But then you had this wonderful experience with the little boy next door,
You see.
So these experiences that are set up in advance can help us with our healing.
Right,
It's what we emphasize,
Like I talk about Prima Sud,
I had this horrible experience,
But then I You know,
I had.
.
.
My brother,
Who I experienced the creator through.
And then a really good friend whose family took me to heart.
So it's sort of like We have two sides,
We can start when we greet life,
We see the darkness of our wounding.
But we can go forward as if it's healable,
Which means in your case,
Like emphasizing,
You know,
Like remembering those experiences of how you felt.
Binding your friend.
Those experiences,
What you learned at that moment can be woven into your life.
In a way,
I don't know how to explain it.
You guys,
I just Because I've experienced the good things.
I knew the bad was not permanent,
And I knew it wasn't that I knew it could be healed.
Because I'd experienced good things.
Right.
OK,
Good.
I can feel you saying to me,
I got a broken circuit,
And I don't know how to heal it.
Again,
It's like the bell.
You're asking me to go into this circuit.
And bringing,
It's like there's a fuse burned out.
And I'm replacing the fuse.
And this fuse.
Can handle a higher circuitry.
So the reason for this fuse burning out is.
.
.
Is to keep your.
I'm not even gonna go there with words.
I'm just gonna just,
I changed the.
.
.
The fuse.
So the whole circuit.
Can handle more energy now.
Higher vibration,
More understanding.
Thank you.
No,
It is very funny because I have a light bulb in my living room that I'm sitting in right now and it's kind of every three months I have to replace it because the light bulb just,
You know,
It dims down a lot in the dark.
Yeah,
Yeah.
You guys.
Do you see?
This is what's so great about doing this group.
Do you see how it works?
That's how it works.
Yeah,
The universe speaks to us non-verbally.
All the time.
So when you replace it,
Sweetie,
Just.
.
.
Think,
I don't know,
Give it to the creator inside and out.
Do you know what I mean?
See what the creator wants you to do about this.
And you'll know,
Either the lamp will stop doing this,
Which is the kind of thing that's happened in Premasuddha's life.
Or you'll just do something like go to the store and get new lamp as kind of a symbol of your new heightened Um understanding and that you're wanting to take care of it.
Taking symbolic actions of healing.
Pramasutha did that a lot.
This is very good.
I can feel something crusty breaking apart in you and it's opening.
It's opening.
And it's as if there's.
.
.
Something wanting to come,
Something.
.
.
Ah,
More presents.
Being more present.
Yourself with others.
Be more present.
That's what's wanting to come.
That's what's got permission to come.
And we can also speak again about this.
Because I feel like maybe more will come.
Yes.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh,
Jane,
Mom.
You guys,
This is just unbelievable.
Blissful.
It's like,
You know.
Unbelievable gift that you guys do this.
Well,
We've been at it for an hour and a half,
But if somebody's really desperate,
They should come forward.
Otherwise,
We'll.
.
.
Complete.
I'm happy to stay longer if it's needed.
OK.
What I'm feeling you guys,
You know that expression a millstone around your neck.
Means,
I don't know,
It's like a burden.
I am seeing everybody in the satsang reaching up and cutting.
This necklace with this millstone.
Just cutting it.
Cutting.
Yeah,
I see an arm going up his shoulder.
Yeah,
Very good.
Yeah,
J-Mon.
No,
I'm seeing everybody doing it.
Cut.
OK,
It's wonderful,
Wonderful,
Wonderful.
You know,
Just let yourself be healed,
You guys.
It's It's It just comes in despite us.
Even Despite all our games,
All our ignorances,
Everything,
We still get healed.
Okay.
It's true.
Just keep turning up.
Doing your practices.
Keep your mind going up.
You know,
Not down,
Your mind going up.
To the creator.
Read inspirational books.
Listen again to the satsang.
Especially if you were if you talked,
But Even if you didn't.
Yeah,
You're so dear.
Thank you,
Thank you,
Thank you,
You guys.
Thank you so much for coming.
