The Ego Becomes An Echo

Today the spotlight was on integrity. Do we keep doing what causes us to feel shame/contracted/guilty?

Or do we love ourselves enough to choose activites, actions, words, even thoughts that make us feel hopeful, expanded, and peaceful?

This question every human being answers by the way they live their lives.

If we are truly sincere in our desire to live in our Soul energy, we will gradually stop doing things that take us away from the truth in our hearts and find ourselves more and more chosing to follow the guidance within.

3 people came forward with difficulties and questions. The satsang members were rapt as the troubles mentioned are universal on the journey, especially lack of trust.

Premasudha gently stalks and slays egos with her ability to hear what is not being spoken directly, but is the truth underneath.

She speaks the hidden material out loud. Resistance, caught in the light of her unconditional love dies because it has nowhere to hide.

Speakers: Andrea, Rob, Michael

Transcript

We're calling on grace, We're calling on Amma's grace, On the grace of the Creator that is inside you and outside you. You are made out of grace. You are unconditional love. And the whole universe turns towards you. And you will see this as you allow yourself to go conscious of your true nature. You will start feeling that the whole universe is your friend. And it's grace. It's like you don't have to earn grace. It's there for you, It's your birthright. It is always coming to you. Yeah. And the more you can stay present and remember who you are, The better able you'll be to receive it. That's it. Many blessings to you all. You're all just so dear to Pramasutha. I also wanted to say that, You know, I disappoint some of you and sometimes quite dramatically because I have to follow my guidance. And sometimes it's really uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable for me because I can feel what your personality wants from me and then I'm getting the guidance, I cannot do that. But the whole point, If ever I disappoint you, Please understand that this is a teaching of unconditional love. It is self-realization training. It is far more loving than you can understand. I mean, That's the rub. I mean, Sometimes you get hurt feelings and everything, But or sometimes you're wondering why making a choice. But it's all coming from unconditional love. And so just stay open, Just stay open. So just go like, I don't understand why she's not maybe available for a phone call, But please understand that I am just getting very strict, Sort of strict guidance, You guys. And I can't really go, I can't ignore it and I can't overrule it. And why would I? Because it's coming from the highest source, But I'm just really aware on a human level that some of you are disappointed and I just wanted to acknowledge that. There's sort of one main thing I want to say before we go to questions, And that's, It's around acting with integrity. So, You know, In Pramasutra's early years, I wasn't the best meditator, But I was always thinking about love, Unconditional love, And how to embody it and how to share it. So one of the things I noticed is if I did something, How do I put it? It's okay. So the key to what I'm wanting to say to you guys is don't do things that make you feel less than or full of shame. Okay? So when I say I wasn't a great meditator, But I was really good on paying attention to how I felt in my life, Doing certain behaviors, Or, You know, Attending a family gathering. I stayed very present with how I felt. And what I noticed is some things that I did, Some things I attended, Some actions I took, Some words I spoke, Left me feeling smaller, Sticky, Sticky inside. Like guilt and shame, They have a sticky feeling, Like black tar. And there's a heaviness when you're acting in these ways. Okay, So you guys, It's really, Really sort of simple and obvious that if you want to move into truth, You don't do those things that make you feel that way. Some of you guys, You see, When I talk about how we've been trained to come in, Sit down, Shut up, To be kind of couch potatoes, Very passive about our lives. And I've talked to you a lot about how people can have lots of energy for the making money thing, For the nuts and bolts in life, But not so much energy for their spiritual path. And so if we don't have much energy for our spiritual path, We'll sit and keep doing things that make us feel smaller, Guilty, Shame, We'll just keep doing them. And we might expect to get somewhere on the journey, And we won't, We won't get anywhere on the journey. You have to, It's like it's embodying your divinity, You have to pay attention to how you feel as you're doing actions. What makes you feel bigger, Brighter, More exuberant, Heart-expanded, And what makes you feel smaller, Narrow, Sticky, Like the black tarp? Yeah. And the other thing I want to say is, Sometimes we might want to stop doing something that we know is not very good for us, But we notice that we keep doing it anyway. Okay, So I've got two things to say about this. If you are really sincere on the journey, Your soul will bring you out of it. You will just stop doing it over time. If you're really sincere in the journey, If you're really sincere in the journey, You'll start getting more and more uncomfortable about doing it. And what will happen is, You just will end up stopping doing it because it makes you so, So uncomfortable to keep doing it. Yeah. You won't be able to stand the dissonance of the activity of, You know, Knowing it's not good for you, And keeping to do it. You get to a point where the dissonance of it gets so big that you get lifted out of it. The behavior just falls away. Okay, That's if you're really sincere. You see, If you're really sincere, You can lean back a little bit. You don't have to be, Like, Trying to fix yourself. You can let Amma, Your soul, Help you out of things. Okay, You guys, If you're not really sincere, You will just keep doing them. You will just keep doing this behavior. It won't, It'll never get to the point of dissonance. It'll never get you so upset that you keep doing it. You'll just keep doing it because you're not really sincere. You see, This is why, You know, In the journey, You cannot hide. You cannot hide, Especially, You guys, I'll say it again, This is the highest level training possible. It's also the most unsettling. So, You see, You know, It's kind of like, Just notice your sincerity level. Just pay attention and let it get stronger. Don't try to force it. Don't try to force it. I'll tell you, If you keep coming for satsangs, It will get stronger. I mean, That is what's happened with many of you over the years. I mean, It's all Amma, You know, Like, You know that. It's all Amma, But I'm just talking about these satsang parties that we do. It's like, Over the years, Many of you, I've watched you get way more sincere and way more honest. Yeah, And if you think about it, It's kind of exhilarating to think of, Wow, How about I set up a life that is in alignment with who I really am? I mean, How great would that be? Really, You guys, It's good, It's fun, Challenging, But very, Very rewarding. You know, There's one dear one who had a, Recently, Who had a dark night of the soul. I'm going to talk about how your psyche will help you. She had a dark night of the soul, And it really rattled her, As they do. They do rattle us, But the whole point of this kind of satsang is you've got company and a witness, And you've got help. Anyway, She had a dream where she had an orgasm in her sleep, And that dream freed her, Freed her psyche to a whole new level, And she saw how she'd been kind of inhibited sexually, Inhibited about her body, All this stuff that we, That people have, Right, That we all have. I mean, Show me a woman who's happy with her body, And you'll be showing me an enlightened spiritual master, Basically. You know, So this dream was so therapeutic, And I could feel how it altered the cells of her body, Her psychology, Even her genetics. That's what the journey's like, You guys. You go along, You go through a hard time, Then you have some sort of incredibly, Wonderfully shattering dream that brings you to a whole new level that you've earned by, You know, Walking through the difficulty and facing it, Walking through it, And seeking help, And letting yourself be helped out of it. You know, These are the dark night of the souls that Pramasutra walked around in, And I didn't have anybody to help me out of it. And that's why I'm so, You know, I can't stand the pain. I can't stand people being in that level of pain all by themselves. Yeah. Okay, So it's just like, You know, I have the feeling that after this satsang that it might be easier for many of you just to be more matter-of-fact about what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad, And that you might just, In a matter-of-fact way, Steer toward what makes you feel expanded and avoid doing the things that make you feel worse. I mean, In a deep way. I'm not talking about in a superficial, You know, Way, But, Like, Things that make you feel deeply worse, Or you're really aware underneath that it's not good for you. There was, I spoke with a guy who's a dear fellow. He lives in the Nashram, And he works too hard. He's very well respected, And he phoned me about wanting some help with the fact he's working 18 hours a day and burning out. But, You know, When I spoke to him and said, You're ignoring your soul, He was a little upset with me. He didn't want to hear this, Because, You guys, He knew it already. Okay, So this is what I want to say to you. We all know what we're doing. Truly. We know. He knew. He knew exactly, Really, What he's doing, But he was hoping for somebody to make him feel better. And I'll tell you, When I started, When I came through with this very clear, Directive statement that he wasn't listening to his soul, He was bothered by me that I'd done that to him. This is a comedy, You guys. This is a comedy of working with you guys sometimes. And it's like, Because he knew. He knows what he's doing, And he doesn't want to change. And I said to him, You know, That I'd known him for seven years, And that it was the same problem seven years ago. And, You know, Maybe in another seven years he's going to phone me, I don't know. But that's another thing I want to say to you guys. We all know underneath what we're doing. At least 75% we know. So what I'd like you to do is just kind of embrace what you know. Like, That is your God Self. Do you understand? That is your God Self who's telling you this. You guys, I know for our egos it's just an irritating voice that spoils our fun, But that's your God Self giving you directives. That's the stuff to listen to. And follow that. You see, We're a little disassociated. A lot of the spiritual path, It's thought that it's just, You know, You sit and meditate, You eat vegetarian. And it's like, Yeah, I mean, But the point of those things are so that your mind will be calm enough that you can hear the guidance and follow it. But in our culture, What we do is we just do it as like, You know, Like we just might meditate and, You know, Vegetarian food just with like, It's taking care of the outside. It's like the coat we wear. We're spiritual. So, You know, When you really see this, It becomes kind of easier to just maybe drop down and just be true. I mean, I have to say it again, You guys, This is what this training is. Please understand this. This is what I'm training you to live as. To really think about whether you want to do it or not. Because this is what I'm teaching you. Because it can bring great happiness and fulfillment, But it, You know, It takes courage. And I'll tell you as a group, Like over the four years we've been doing this, There's been, It's much easier to reach you now. Much easier. And, You know, A premisute is probably clear. I'm sure I am. I'm sure I am. It goes both ways. But if you can just love yourselves enough to take care of yourselves and not do the things that make you feel bad. And also, Amma will give you, Amma will give you data. She'll show you. So, I'm going to tell you something I did. It's like, You know, I remember, Like I really know that, That it's, Amma doesn't, You know, She doesn't like alcohol at all. She doesn't, You know. So anyway, But I thought in this day that I'd have a glass of wine. Well, At lunchtime, I have to tell you what happened. So, I ordered this glass of wine. I ordered some bread, Cheese, And a small salad. So, 15 minutes later, The salad, The wine came. About another 15 minutes, The bread came. Another 15 minutes later, The cheese came. I'll tell you, It was a comedy. And another 15 minutes after that, This ridiculous shriveled up salad came. And in between, I'm saying to the waitress, Where is everything? And she said, Oh, Well, You know, I don't know. It's the cook. It's the cook. There were like two other people in this restaurant. And it's on Lonsdale. I mean, You have to be a reasonable restaurant to be on Lonsdale in North Vancouver. And that is what happened. And I left there going, Okay, Amma, You win. Never again. I totally knew that it was, You know, The universe. Yeah. I mean, Just the comedy of it. Yeah. Yeah. And at the same time, I was kind of like, Oh, Can't I even have a glass of wine sometimes? Well, Obviously not. It was so dramatic. I mean, It's even lost in the telling about how ridiculous the whole thing was. So, You guys, It's important to be able to laugh. Like, I don't want you to get too serious. The only reason that I get serious sometimes is when I feel like you're playing games with me sometimes. And that will make me serious. But, You know, On the other hand, I remember sitting next to Amma and sitting there for 45 minutes and then getting really restless and getting up. And she signaled me to sit right back down. And I knew when she did that, That I had been running away from something. You know, I hadn't known it. I mean, I didn't clue in at the time. But after she signaled, I went, Okay. Yeah. So, Let yourself be signaled by me, You know. And the other thing I want to say is, Remember Saint Teresa said that the reason most people don't go on the journey because they feel that they're miserable thinners, That they're not entitled to it, That they're too bad. And this is very sorrowful for me to think that some of you are so cruel to yourselves and your lack of humanity to yourselves. And it is why I am so bold about all my mistakes and everything. Because what I'm trying to communicate to you, If someone who made such a huge mess of her life could find a way to proceed, You guys can get over your smaller mistakes, Guilt, And self-judgment. You understand? You haven't murdered anybody. And even if you had, It's like there's that—I mean, I'm not to promote it—murder, Obviously. But there's that great Vedic sage, And I never can remember his name, Because it's Indian and so it's so long with so many letters. But he became one of the greatest sages of all time in India. Yeah. I can feel how your souls are all wanting fulfillment, Do you know? I can feel how your souls are all like, Oh, We have this chance, This life. See, Anything that's guilty or where you feel shame or guilt, It is ego, You guys. It is always ego. This is why Prema Siddha can look back on her life and not feel shamed or guilty about anything, Despite all the havoc I caused. And the reason I can do this is because I really know that it had to be this way, It was fated to be this way, And that nothing else would have woken me up. So, Some of you are getting some hard things happening, Because the universe has decided it's time for you guys to wake up. So, The more we flow with it, Flow with, Okay, Show me, I'm opening. Flow with it, Flow with the birth canal. You know, Keep focused on what am I learning, You know? It's, We can't be passive, You guys. I mean, There's, There's the being energy and being, But there's this, It's like Amma, I mean, She, Every single minute of the day, She's engaged in doing as much as she can. And even when she's, You know, If you notice when she's meditating, She does this stretching, As if she's reaching, You know, Reaching for the Creator, Reaching to, Just reaching for it, You know? It's something we have to reach for, Like you keep a, I don't know how to explain it, But it's like with Amma. It's like when, When I was giving prasad one time, She held her hand so far away from me, So I had to reach so far to put the prasad in her hand. And I knew that she was telling me, You need to reach more, You know, Yearn more, Reach, Keep it in mind more. And we just have a limited time here. I think that's pretty much all I, I wanted to say. And I guess there's one more thing, Just that when you stop doing the things that make you feel shamed, What will happen is the, Inside you, Shame will come up to be released. Okay. Supposing, I mean, I don't know what, What example to use, But supposing you're going out with somebody who you, You know, Isn't the best for you, But you, You go out with this person and you spend time with their friends and you know it's not right, But you keep doing it and you, You feel kind of small, Smaller, Because you know it's not right. And there's a feeling about not being straight, Even in talking with this person, Because you know that you wouldn't even be spending time together if it was, You were following. Okay, If you decide to stop doing that and go, Okay, I, I'm not going to do this to myself or to them, What will happen is the ego material that caused you to downgrade yourself will come up for you to look at. And it's that point that you look at it, See it, And let it, Let it go. But what can happen is when this ego material comes up, We can start feeling bad about ourselves and then phone this person and get back together, Say, Again, Because we don't want to be with ourselves. And that's where the ego's one. Is this clear? Do you guys, Yeah, Right? Because you see, We all know, We're all very clear inside. We just might not want to be clear, But we all know. Okay, Are there any questions about this? Anything I've said or comments about it before I move into asking you the questions? The other thing I'd say is, You know, When you do something that makes you feel lighter and expanded, Keep doing those things. Notice them, Notice them, And then keep doing them. That's why I talk about empirical evidence, You know. You won't die if you're true to yourself. It's the opposite. You will feel like a million dollars. Can I ask a question, Pramasutha? Yeah, Please, Andrea. So one of the things that, I think I talked to you about this before, That often I'll almost feel like it's not coming from me, Like not, Certainly not my heart, But I'll see someone and I'll have a judgment as soon as I see them. And I hate that so much. I don't want to feel that way. But what do you do when you're right in the moment? Do you know what I mean? So you can go, Don't think that way, Which is kind of like a slap on the hand, But maybe more loving is to just be like, Oh, There goes my mind again, Making, I don't know, Like, Yeah, I just. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, Just let me feel into. I understand when you're in a situation and you start talking about someone, Let's say, And you know, This isn't good. I'm not feeling good right now. I'm starting to feel that pressure on my body of pushing me down. Like when you're doing that, I can understand that. But it's the immediate stuff that happens a lot for me where I'm just like, Where's this coming from? And I don't quite know what to do with it. But you know where it's coming from, Really, Don't you? Do you know where it's coming from? It feels like it's self-judgment. It feels like it's like immediately it's like a comparison for me. That's what it feels like about like. Yeah. You know that expression that if we're pointing a finger at one person, We got three fingers pointed at ourselves. Yeah. So it's your self-hatred. That's where it's coming from. Yeah. Right. So you see, It just depends if you're really willing to deal with that. Okay. So the level that you asked the question at was of what should I do? And I was getting the self-hatred underneath and your ambivalence about whether you really wanted to like face that. So how does it feel when I say that? The truth. The truth. Yeah. So yeah, It is what I've been feeling underneath. Like when you talked about the weakness, It's that. So I know it's the truth. Yeah. So the issue is. You know, Again, We're talking and it's like there's a little bit of a finesse as we're talking that avoids. It's like talking about something with kind of I want to say almost and this isn't quite right, But it's a little bit like this with no intention of actually dealing with his self-hatred. Do you see? So if you come to the point where you really, You know, Where you go like, I really don't want to carry this stuff anymore. Then what will happen is you will actually get something coming from inside to help you deal with these judgments. Do you see what I mean? This is where I would start the self-compassion. But it came, Andrea, From my willingness to deal with my self-hatred. Yeah. Right. OK, I just I want to keep talking with you because we haven't reached a point. We need to find there's something. This is something that needs to happen. Yeah. I have the feeling, You see, I'm going to keep facing you with this stuff until you get it or leave the satsang. I mean, It will be like that, Andrea. Otherwise, The satsang will become your worst nightmare to attend. It'll be either a rope saving you or you don't want to come at all. It's kind of your choice about what you're going to do. Yeah. Right. Right. You know, Even just noticing that the, You see, It's very good work that you even noticed the judgment. Do you understand that? Like many, Many people don't even notice so I want you to receive that from me. OK, Please. That's really good work. Yeah. You just have had difficulty including Andrea in your equation. And Premasut is wanting you to include Andrea in your equation. Right. And you deserve this. You deserve this help. And you deserve to be, To learn how to embrace Andrea as she is. Not maybe what you want her to be, But just as she is. Yeah. Yeah, I can feel part of you think she'll die if you do that. Yeah, And your ego will die. How are you feeling? Very sad. Right. I'm very sad for not embodying that, Not being able to do that for myself, Leaving myself out. Yeah, The sadness is, You know, It's sort of like your head is trying to grab everything. And this is what we're like. So there's no criticism. OK. But it's actually the grief of how separate you feel underneath. How separate and not allowed to be one with everything. But you are one with everything. It's just your ego story. It's not real. This is what I want you to get is like you are one with everything. It's just all you're caught in. It's just your ego, The beliefs. Right. So how do you feel right now? I feel like I'm trying to get to my heart, Kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Like I know it's the truth. I know it's the truth, But it's it's like I'm feeling my heart's not as open as it should needs to be. I want it to be. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. It's very dear. It's very dear. And it's it's. Yes, It's sad, You know, It's sad that it's that it's like that. It's really sad that you can't open your heart to yourself. I know it's sad because I feel like I can for others. Because you feel what? I can for other people. That you can't for me, For other people, To open my heart to other people. But I've had such a hard time with myself. I know, Sweetie, But actually. You're not really opening your heart to others if you you're doing a phony thing, Because if you're not able to do it for yourself, Then the love isn't real. Okay. It's very conditional. Yeah, I'm, You know, It's like a whole new understanding, Sweetie. They just kind of allow this new, Much bigger understanding. And what will happen is the shell of your ego will end up melting just as a byproduct with your understanding what I'm talking about. Do you understand? Yeah, And I actually feel for the whole satsang, All of you guys, I'm feeling like your prison walls are getting holes in them. They're getting more permeable. Truly, Yeah, It's really true. I can feel it over the ethers. And that includes you, Andrea. It's, You can feel it in yourself. There's not much keeping these walls up and functioning. Yeah, That's it. It's just smoke and mirrors. Yeah. Right. Right. You know, If you can use your will, I mean mantras. You know, There was one time that I was really stuck in my thoughts, And I used, I got a bulletin from inside to concentrate on the sounds that I heard in the day, Just on sound. You know, The sound of cars and everything, To steer my mind away from my thoughts. You see, You can get into trying to fix yourself so much, And it's just useless. It's just the ego. It's just, You know, It's like, Just find another place to put your mind, Or go garden, Or, You know. You already are united with everyone. It's just what's going on in your head isn't telling you that. Yeah. And, You know, Maybe that it just sort of changes over time, Or you just work it out yourself, Or, But you have to really want to learn. You have to want to learn like you're drowning. You have to want it like that. Like a drowning person wanting air. If we're lukewarm about stuff, You know, It just stays like that. But I can feel it as I'm talking, Your ego, That every word that I'm saying, There's a level in your ego that it's being, You're registering it almost as a dart, Almost as an attack, And it's not, But I can feel it. And it's somewhere below your consciousness. It's not in your conscious control. But do you know what I'm talking about? I mean, I don't, I, Yeah, I don't feel that, Really. Okay. Okay. Okay, Good. Good, Good that you just said how you felt. I can feel it. And it's why your heart doesn't open. Say, I don't trust. Okay, Say it really loudly. I don't trust. I don't trust. Okay, Say it again. I don't trust anybody. I don't trust anybody. Okay, There it was. Okay, That, That, Right. That is the truth. Right. Right, Sweetie. That is true, I know. I know, Sweetie. Oh, Sweetie. This is so, Such good work. It's good. Yeah, You've touched everybody because they all know what that feels like. Right. Right. Right. Right. Oh, This is good. Yay. Yeah. Right. Oh, I really feel the truth of that. Right. I have such a loving man in my life and I don't even trust him. Yeah. It's okay. It's like actually you don't trust yourself, Sweetie, Actually. I know. And what, You know, This is healing, But understand, Sweetie pie, You're, You're going to be able to open your heart more after this. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Jayma. Yeah. Wow. Wow, This is really good. This is what I was feeling like the ego walls were just wanting to fall. There is nothing keeping them up. This isn't the whole sad thing, You guys. How are you, Sweetie? Honest, Honest. I feel like something's. I feel like something's been almost like there was a wallpaper around the whole inside of my body inside the core of my body. That's been like taking off. Right. Exactly. It wasn't stone walls. No, No. Good. I know that's what you're saying it's not, It's, You know, I mean I'm sick, Not nothing for me to run to, Like, Yeah, It's just smoke and mirrors it's like, It's nothing. That's really great. Thank you. Oh, Sweetie, Thank you. That's, That's very good work and it's helped everybody. It's everybody's issue. You know, Not just you. That's what we're all struggling for. This is why we're bombing people rather than loving people. Yeah. We're so scared of this. Yeah. That is the truth, Isn't it? Yeah. But sweetie, You'll be so much happier as you allow this love to come out because you're so profoundly loving that it's hell for you not to be able to. It is. And the other thing is you guys stuff comes up just before it goes there was one dear one who was talking about feeling. I can't remember what it was surrounded in concrete and, And horrible really heavy, Heavy thoughts. And I told her it was just getting intense like that because it was leaving, Which is true. It gets very intense when stuff's leaving. And that's why like I said saying it to be reminded of this week after week after week. It's very powerful you guys. Yeah. When I, Before I came on and I was waiting, And I knew something was going to happen, I knew it. I knew it. Yeah, I had a feeling like I'm tingling and a nervousness like something's going to happen today. Yeah. Breakthrough time. Yeah, Yeah. And, You know, There may be more work to be done don't, Of course. Get the guy, Get the comprehension you guys it's ongoing. It's ongoing. And are. I told you about my heart was closed for three months one time. No. So, This stuff happens. We finally get through it. Okay. So, Does anybody have a first memory or a dream. An early dream of their childhood that they remember, But maybe somebody else has something important they have to raise like Andrea did if there's something like that you guys speak up. I'm Shiva. Yeah. Yes. First, I, Your presence is really gets missed here. So, Yeah, Two weeks already. And, Yeah, So the last two weeks. And with Emma is, Of course, A lot of things I could ask but I want to pick one. The one I feel the most shame I would say about. And I don't know it's maybe the last four days. Roughly I when I sit meditation doesn't have to be meditation with something but in general like I feel that. Yeah, That. I want to like burn riches to everyone. In the sense of that. That. Yeah, There's a feels like it feels like I want to overreact or someone, Something tells me to overreact and then overreact and in ways which are not make making sense or making or making it way more horrible. So, Are you tipping over tables man. Not yet. Well, I think, Though, That this is kind of remember I said like, When it came up to be healed, You would probably overreact or do stuff that embarrassed you, You know, Like, Do you understand like, You know, The childhood, You, You talked about how your mom. You got in trouble. Yeah, I had a dream at dream five days ago and I overreacted in the dream in front of my parents. Oh, Maybe that's the point why I thinking about that in real life. Yeah, This is I think you're clearing, I think you're, You're clearing that control. Yeah. Yeah. You get what I'm saying. Okay, Good. Um, Yeah, So I think it's this part of this control and coming up to be cleared. Yeah, It makes me anxious. I mean, Because horrible horrible horrible situations I mean it's not like just tipping tables over. Yeah. So, What are you doing with, What are you burning bridges are like what's the burning bridges thing. Most sometimes to friends, Family, Partner. It's okay. Okay. It's more mostly relational. Okay. So, Okay, You know what I feel like it's intolerance it's intolerance of your true nature. It's actually, Yeah, It's intolerance of your true nature. That's coming up to be cleared but it's being expressed with intolerance of others but really, It's your conditioned intolerance of yourself to understand. That I don't give myself the attention or the things I need. And I ignore it. We were all conditioned out of our soul energy so when I, When we go back to regain our soul energy. All the conditioning comes up to be seen in all its ugliness, You understand. Yeah, I mean this sounds. Yeah, I can feel like I can't reach your intelligence right now, It's. I can, I can feel like yeah how you're caught in your ego. You're caught, You're caught in your conditioning so it makes it hard to understand what I'm saying. But as a child, You were conditioned out of your connection to your soul so you are now in your 30s deciding that you want to regain your connection with your soul so what's happening is that the intolerance that you were trained to greet your soul. Like even the intolerance of that our families. Listen, You guys, The West is highly intolerant and repressive on soul energy. Please, We're so running from it. That's what we've been taught. So, When you're going to regain it. So, All that the intolerance that you're caring to your own soul is coming up, But it's, It gets projected onto others we get intolerant about others, But really, It's, It's to ourselves but sometimes on the spiritual journey we just have to have a period where we take ourselves off to the Himalayan caves and just be with ourselves to deal with it, You know, Like, There's no quick fix, Rob, For this, Just, You just got to go through it, Watch it, Feel how trapped you feel in it, See how much trouble it's causing you. And keep taking it to Amma. I can feel how deeply uncomfortable you are in your own skin. This is so many of you have said to me that you feel beside yourselves or that you feel like you can't stay in your own skin you can't stand it. You're okay, You're just, I wish I was there, Actually, And I could, I could, Where can you deliver and help release anger, But you've got Amma and she's a megawatt, So, You know, You're okay. You could write her a letter and put it in her post box near her door. If you, It's like with Andrea, I want you to get down to it though, Get down to it, Get down to what's really bothering you. You know, Don't write it from a more superficial place, Write it from a really deep place. Oh, I'm hearing you go, I don't want to go there. Yeah, Andrea didn't either, None of us want to. We don't want to do that, We don't want to face the separation that we're carrying inside. We don't want to feel the rage and the sorrow and all the stuff. So where are you? How are you feeling right now? Yeah, The letter idea resonated, But still feels like, Yeah, I hope for the patient to go through, But yeah, It's still, I'm still hanging. Sorry. I'm still hanging there. But you're kind of lost in it, Eh? You're pretty lost in it these days. Yeah, The last two or three days, Yeah. Yeah, I can feel it. I know sometimes men have to go into their cave, You know? Like you could get a room on your own for a bit. Just go into your cave, Just disengage. I do. How do you feel about that? It's like a defeat. Oh, A defeat? Who's saying it's a defeat? Yeah, I know it's the ego that tells me that I cannot, Like I have to retreat to my own room. And it feels like a defeat, But that was the first impulse. I have to tell you, Rob, It's pretty hard for Premasutra to reach you. I want you to hear that. It's hard for me to reach you. You're not very available to me at all. Energetically. It's hard for me to reach you energetically. I feel you holding me away at arm's length. I think, You know, Distrust is up, Right? I mean, You guys, The journey is. . . I mean, We all want enlightenment. And then, You know, We get these intense times. I'd say, Rob, Just do what you need to do. But don't try to put a pretty box around it. Just be real. Do what you need to do for yourself. If you need to get your own room for five days to decompress, It is more loving for you to do that than to stay stuck in this. You understand? Yeah. This is what I talk about integrity, You guys. It is scary to listen to your heart and actually listen to what you need to do. And it's scary to follow up because then it's just you. Then you're responsible for you. And you're not part of a family or a collective. But that's what this is. This is self-realization training. It is what this is. It's like this. It might be a relief for everybody if you did that, Rob. I mean it. I mean it. It might be. Yeah. Again, You're kind of frozen and not available. I think it's like you're not trusting. Right. It's like you're at the beginning of the journey. Listen, I dropped an atom bomb on all my relationships, Okay? That's why somebody's just has no help, No support with this same sort of stuff. It would have been better for me to do something proactive rather than do what I did. You know? If I knew how to take responsibility back then, I could have just gone, Hey, I need some time away to just be with myself. And arrange for that. I can feel it would be easier if you and I were present in the same room. You seem very removed to me. You're kind of in shock, In a way, I feel like. There's a little bit of shock. Yeah. It's like shocking in the sense of getting down to it. Right. Okay, Good. Often, The little child was shocked when they realized how out of alignment the parents were. So when we move into truth, We often go through a period of shock, Just like what you're going through, As we recover our true energy. That's it. That's it. You're okay. I can feel there's a deep, You've got a deep trust of life underneath all this, A deep trust of karma. Yeah, Even premasuda, And actually even a deep trust of maxi. That's it. That's it. You're scared of losing control. Blessings. Blessings. I know the rules have changed for the men so dramatically over the last 10 years. Yeah. I'm glad I spoke it out. Pardon? I'm glad I spoke it out. I'm glad you did too. I'm really glad you did. You're very beautiful, Rob. You've got a heart of gold. You're just, You know, You've asked for your soul energy and so it's on the move, And our egos scream and we don't know how to handle it. It can be unnerving. But this is where your wisdom's going to come from, Just going through these things. And you're very, Very safe, Truly. Yeah. Yeah, Good. I can feel you. It feels very good to me, Whatever you're doing. You see, What we do in the West is the same with Andrea. She was going, Like, How do I not judge people? And you were doing, Well, How do I, You know, Calm myself down so I'm not going to, Like, Burn bridges and be intolerant with people? And we can't fix it that way. It makes things worse when we do that. You're better, Like, Doing the breathing Ma, Om, Or your mantra. And just, I'll tell you what, Just accept that you're going to be very uncomfortable for a while. Yeah. Say your mantra and just go, Like, Just say, Well, Prama Sutta says that my soul's on the move and my ego's screaming, So I'm just going to say my mantra and not take myself so seriously, Which is hard to do. Believe me, I know, For all of us. Prama Sutta was so serious about herself, Took myself so seriously. Yeah, We all do. Yeah, These are growing pains. Maxie loves you anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. And if worse comes to worse, Take a five-day sabbatical, Really. Yeah. Yeah, It's not the end of the world, You know. It's this, It's having the guts to do these sort of eccentric things, You know, To just follow the guidance if you need to do that. Yeah. My sons used to say to me that I was always so much better when I came back home after one of my trips. They didn't mind me taking my trips because when I came back I was, Like, Fun to be with again. Yeah, Really, You know. All I know is that men sometimes need to go into their caves. Masculine psychology. They just do. And men often don't work things out through talking all that much. You know, So just give yourself a lot of maneuvering room, Rod, Okay? Yeah, I do. Okay, Yeah. Okay, Good. Good, Okay, Good. You're a little more relaxed, A little more yeah. And you can always, Like, WhatsApp me, And we can talk about it more. Or I get a hug from Mama. Anyway, You'll let me know. Michael, How are you doing, Man? I feel I feel like a soft putty. Andrea really touched me, And you know, Because of what I'm carrying around. I'm running around with a catheter. It's not funny, But anyway, You know, I noticed yesterday, Well, I didn't notice, But I lay down on the bed, And Saskia gave me a hug, And I just started to cry, Because I just realized that, You know, I never got any. And I was, You know, I was frustrated and sad, And so I guess, Yeah, It's on the other hand, I got to say, You know, It makes me determined to you know, Whatever happens, You know, I don't really you know, I don't really want to leave the road, Because it's not worth living the other way. But it doesn't matter about, Like, Whether you're on the spiritual journey or not, You're just in this great difficulty. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, You know, Sometimes it's painful, So it, Yeah, It, You know, You have no choice, It just softens you up. Yeah, You're softer. Yeah, And you know, Just try to accept it, And you know, Right, Right, It's like, I can really, Like, It feels to me that your vulnerability, Your human vulnerability is coming up very strongly, And you cannot do anything about it. No, And I'm glad, I'm glad. Right. Although, I just want to, You know, I'm going to keep whatever I'm doing, Like, You guys, Michael was the one that I was getting guidance not to talk on the phone with, Despite his difficulty, Which was quite crushing for me to have to, You know, Follow that, But even talking to you right now, It's like, There's part of you that won't let go, Michael. I heard that from someone else this morning. Yeah. Say, It's like this part of you has got, Like, A death grip of control. It's like, Yeah. And this is what I'm screaming about. This is, I just, I can't get through this to you. I can't get through this death grip of control that you've got, And that's why I've backed off, And why I keep hammering. If you look at my last emails, They're all like. . . So, Michael, This death grip you've got of control, It's an absolute waste of time, Because you don't have any control. No. And you're saying to me, But I want to pretend that I do Prama Sutta. That's what I heard from your unconscious. Yeah. You know, I realize it from time to time, And then I guess it's not so conscious anymore, Probably. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of, You know, It's funny. I'm just getting this scalpel. It's like I'm getting a scalpel put in my hand. You know, Michael, When we get older, We've got, You know, It's obvious we have limited time on earth. And it's like, Say, You know, All of us oldsters are running out of time. And you're running out of time if you're wanting to be real this life. So how do you feel when I say this? Good question. Hmm. I just don't know. Right. Say, I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Right. Because if I knew, Then? If I knew? I'd have to be honest. Yeah? Yeah, I'd have to be honest. Right. Right. And to your ego, That is your worst nightmare. Yeah, For sure. Right. This is where the pointy shoes, You know? It's like, You'd have to be honest. Yeah, Michael. I mean, You know, Maybe your mom was not an honest person. There's some kind of thing where you really moved away from your innocent honesty. Right. You know, We've got this little box with all these little numbers in your book. And just the last couple of times I pulled a number, And it was the same one, 113, Twice. Right in a row. And it speaks exactly to that. The honesty. Yeah. Okay, Good. So you're getting it from every direction. This is what happens. You know? It's just like we get surrounded by it. It's like getting surrounded by the cops. The universe will just surround you with, Get the data, Get the data. Yeah. I wonder what you, If you were honest, What you'd say or what you'd feel or what you'd do. Well, I like those pointy shoes, Man. There's one side of me, I guess. It's just, Don't ask me why, But. Yeah, You're doing it. You're going all trivial. You're going all social. You're going all used car salesman. This is self-realization training. Yeah. Time's running out, Michael. You know, Who's the guy that fiddled as Rome burned? I don't know. There was some character who just played the fiddle as Rome fell to ruins. And it's a little bit like what you're doing. Like, This isn't a parlor game, Man. I mean, You're even getting this big wake-up call. See, I think it's just a small shift. It's not that you have to kind of, I don't know what you feel like Premasuddha wants. It's like, I'm not asking you to recite Shakespeare. I'll just, When the energy's authentic, I'll feel it. You don't even have to say anything, Really. If I felt that gateway really open, I would change the way I responded to you immediately. You've used your ego a lot. You've used your ego will a lot. And it's, You've done well with it. You know, It's worked. It's worked in your life. It's worked. But it's not in a great way, Not in the way what we're doing now. But it has worked for you. I think that's part of why it's harder to give up, You know? Because it seems to work. I mean, But it's like you're always kind of quietly exhausted underneath. Yeah. You know, I can remember when I was younger, I really was afraid that I couldn't carry the load, Because I felt like I was carrying everybody's load. And you know, A few times I felt that I'm not going to be able, I'm not going to last. And I guess it just became pure survival. And that's, You know, If I let go of it, Then I'm going to die. And if I don't, I'm going to die anyway. Right. So how old were you at this time? Probably about mid-teens, Late teens, 20s, Early 20s. And what were you carrying like that was. . . I think I felt that I grew up in a house where I didn't. . . I had to carry everybody emotionally. And at a certain point, I couldn't. And if that was my example, Then there would come a time where I just, You know, Couldn't carry myself anymore for myself. And so I decided I had to become, Or had to try and become this, You know, Masculine guy. And just to survive. Right. You know, With in our culture, You know, The masculine socialization is around power and control. Yeah. So males have to give up their connection to their soul and their connection to their hearts, Really. To do it. Yeah. Yeah. But I remember when I was in that world, It was. . . I couldn't relate to it. I didn't like it. So that was the other side. Yeah. Yeah. You know. . . Yeah. You know, Michael, It's sort of like you've never stood for yourself, You know? No. That's right. No. And that's what your problem is with your relationship with Pramasutha. Do you understand that? I want you to see the logic. I do understand that, 100%. And it reminds me of the time, You know, When I was in high school, I got bullied pretty bad. You know, There was always a set of boys and they were trying to herd me into the bathroom and put my head in the toilet. So it was like. . . Yeah, I had to fight against that, Too. It was. . . So I couldn't really. . . I couldn't really be honest. If I was, Then I would have been too soft. And they would have succeeded. Yeah, So. . . And I actually think this is the heart of your kidney problem. You're. . . You go into this matter-of-fact, Therapeutic level and try to wrap it all up and it's not solvable there. No. No. I mean, I could recite all the stuff that caused my conditioning, Right? But I'm not there, Michael. No. Right? I found a way out. And that's what I teach. Yeah. Right. So, I think you're scared to bond with yourself. Just to get simple and real and. . . You've got all these excuses under your hat and it's like, They're not going to save you. Nothing but the truth can save you. I mean, The truth is what would help you physically, But it's also, In the case of passing over, Where you would. . . You know, When we pass over, If we're in truth, We have a much better time. Not that I'm expecting you to pass over at all. But I'm wanting to kind of like. . . Your capacity to move away from. . . Like, To delude yourself is. . . Like, I don't know what to do with you, Michael. You kind of break my heart. Because on one level, You seem to love me so much, But you don't love the truth I bring. So, I'm kind of like, Yeah, What the hell? Do you see? Yeah. Right. And I think underneath all this is great grief at how out of touch with truth and love you are. And you're just scared to go there. Yeah. And it's very understandable. How do you feel right now? Honest. Scared if I don't get there. Scared if you don't get there. Yeah. The truth and honesty. You know, It's just like a moral decision, Man. You know what I mean? It's just. . . You can take it anytime. Like, You're a free agent. There's nothing stopping you. This is what I mean. There's nothing stopping you. Even, You know, If the truth is something like I'm a sick old man and I don't have the energy to deal with this. You know? I mean, That can be the truth. Like, You know, It's not like you have to stand and recite a Shakespearean play or something. You see, Michael, The thing is that you can't love. Do you understand this? Yeah. Or won't love. I will trust it, I guess. You'll trust what? I don't trust love, I guess. Yeah, You're doing it again. You speak from somewhere like. . . I just want you to be real. Even if you're saying, Screw off, Premasutha. Where is the real Michael in there? And I don't want you to go screw off, Premasutha, To try to please me, Either. Do you know what? Or to try to do a facsimile of the honesty. Like, I know you. Think of how much I have talked to you about pointy shoes. Right. Okay, Good. How is your breathing right now? Good. You know, When truth comes in, It's just soft and gentle and ordinary, Michael. There are no bells and whistles. Soft, Ordinary. Just kind of a little bit of more spaciousness. A little bit more room to be yourself. A little bit realizing that you can't control all this and you're just going to have to go through it with as much grace as you can. And to let Amma help move you into truth. How about that? That feels like that's a door opening. You could do that. You could ask Amma to help you into truth. I can feel this, That you could do that. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I feel like you could just do that. Maybe going to sleep with that idea, Just help me move into truth, Amma. Yeah, Just like a little two-year-old. Please help me, Amma. Show me how to just be myself. Show me how to feel you inside me. Yeah. Good. Good. This was good work, Michael. Yeah. This is a great thing about being sick is we get our ego is too tired. We get too tired to keep our ego defenses. Though they more easily die, Especially with an onslaught like that from a pseudo. I can feel that. That's good. Okay. Well, I don't know that we're going to be getting to the questions, But does anybody have any? You seem like you guys need more room to speak just about what's up for you. Questions, Anybody? Comments? This has been a really powerful sat time. It feels like we'll have to save the questions for another day. I'm like gobsmacked that you guys are being this real with me. That it's getting like this. This is really, Really a quantum leap from where we've been playing before. Yeah, A whole new level of realness. Fantastic. Guys, It's just hard to be alive and it's hard to be in relationship. We're at the extreme of separation. We're so close to the level of separation where the whole human race goes extinct. We're at an extreme state right now. It's very difficult to be alive. Just being on earth, Breathing, Doing your best, It's a great gift. It's a great achievement. To be allowing your souls to be bared at the level that this work requires is really, Truly, It's a triumph that you allow it. I mean this and I do not flatter. Yeah, It's a real triumph. This is what we're all running from. This is why people are running into madness. They're running into insanity. They're running into drugs because this stuff is so uncomfortable. If you've got a group and competent help, It's doable. It's doable and then the results of it are just so great. I'm so happy to be premasuda now. I wasn't a happy camper. I am just so with peaceful blisto just happy. It's like, Yeah, It's real you guys. You make it through the rain and then you get to a whole kind of completely different existence. What happens is the stuff you're hearing that you feel about the world and about the people and your families or whoever you're having trouble with, What happens is it all recedes. It all becomes like some old subtle echo that you hear, Kind of an echo. You get filled with peace and the usual ego content of your thoughts and everything, It just is like an echo rather than being stuck in a torture chamber with it all. It's just like an echo and it's almost like the content belongs to somebody else. Yes, It all becomes like when I get thoughts about any of the stuff that used to really bother me, Contort me and everything, It's just like thoughts that belong to somebody else and don't really have any application to me at all or have any interest, Not interested at all. Premasutha has quite an obsessive mind, So I would obsess and obsess and I don't do that. No? Really? It happens. What happens is you keep going and the periods of sunshine get longer and longer and longer and the peace gets bigger and bigger and bigger. Yeah. Yeah, That's good. That helped all of you. I can feel like the group. Just that. If it calms you a bit. Yeah. It's really real, You guys. Premasutha, From the very early days of my journey when I realized that I was onto something, It was very strong in me, Like that this journey is for the common person. Any of us can do it. We don't need robes and we don't even need, You know, This is Premasutha's take. We don't need a lot of the rituals or any of that stuff. You don't need much. Just need a real desire to a real yearning, A real desire to really live it. And that sincere yearning will take you where you need to go. And practices are really important. Rituals are beautiful and it's all good. But you can do rituals and meditate for 40 years and if your heart, If you don't want it with your heart, You won't get it. If your heart's set on it, You'll get it. Yeah. Okay, You guys. It's very late for those of us and where I am, It's even later. So, Yeah, Thank you. This was wonderful, Like the fulfillment of it is truly, It's off the charts. This is what I have wanted. Yeah, Thank you, You guys. Blessings, Blessings. And I'll get the audio out to you. Thank you, Thank you. And see you next week. Okay, Bye.