Diary Of A Nobody, Chapters 17 And 18

Catch up with Mr. Pooter as he lurches from one misunderstanding to another in these latest, hilarious chapters. Don't worry if you are new to the story - it is easy to follow the diary entries, touching in their honesty despite all the obvious foibles of their author.

Transcript

Hello there,

It's Mandy here.

Lovely to have you here for tonight's reading,

Which is the continuing story of The Diary of a Nobody.

It's a gently comic novel written in 1888 by the brothers Charles and Weedon Grossmith.

Thanks ever so much if you've been following the story and have already listened to the earlier chapters.

I've really been appreciating your company on this journey and your comments as well.

But if you're totally new to the story,

It really doesn't matter.

I'm sure that you'll be able to pick it up very quickly.

So please feel free to make yourself really comfortable and we'll begin.

Chapter 17.

March the 20th.

Today being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr Murray Posh are to be married,

Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at Gravesend.

Lupin has been much cut up over the affair,

Though he declares he is glad it is off.

I wish he wouldn't go to so many musicals,

But one dare not say anything to him.

At the present moment he irritates me by singing all over the house some nonsense about what's the matter with Gladstone?

He's all right.

What's the matter with Lupin?

He's all right.

I don't think either of them is.

In the evening Gowing called and the chief topic of conversation was Daisy's marriage to Murray Posh.

I said I was glad the matter was at an end,

As Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin.

Gowing,

With his usual good taste,

Said,

Oh Master Lupin can make a fool of himself without any assistance.

Carrie very properly resented this and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry.

March the 21st.

Today I shall conclude my diary for it is one of the happiest days of my life.

My great dream of the last few weeks,

In fact of many years,

Has been realised.

This morning came a letter from Mr.

Perkupp asking me to take Lupin down to the office with me.

I went to Lupin's room.

Poor fellow,

He seemed very pale and said he had a bad headache.

He had come back yesterday from Gravesend where he spent part of the day in a small boat on the water,

Having been mad enough to neglect to take his overcoat with him.

I showed him Mr.

Perkupp's letter and he got up as quickly as possible.

I begged him not to put on his fast coloured clothes and ties,

But to dress in something black and quiet looking.

Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter.

All she could keep on saying was,

Oh I do hope it will be all right.

For myself I could scarcely eat any breakfast.

Lupin came down dressed quietly and looking a perfect gentleman,

Except that his face was rather yellow.

Carrie by way of encouragement said,

You do look nice Lupin.

Lupin replied,

Yes it's a good makeup isn't it,

A regular downright respectable funereal first class city firm junior clerk.

He laughed rather ironically.

In the hall I heard a great noise and also Lupin shouting to Sarah to fetch down his old hat.

I went into the passage and found Lupin in a fury kicking and smashing a new tall hat.

I said,

Lupin my boy what are you doing,

How wicked of you,

Some poor fellow would be glad to have that.

Lupin replied,

I wouldn't insult any poor fellow by giving it to him.

When he had gone outside I picked up the battered hat and saw inside Poshy's patent.

Poor Lupin,

I can forgive him.

It seemed hours before we reached the office.

Mr Perkupp sent for Lupin who was with him nearly an hour.

He returned as I thought crestfallen in appearance.

I said,

Well Lupin how about Mr Perkupp?

Lupin commenced his song,

What's the matter with Perkupp?

He's all right.

I felt instinctively that my boy was engaged.

I went to Mr Perkupp but I couldn't speak.

He said,

Well Mr Pooter what is it?

I must have looked a fool for all I could say was,

Mr Perkupp you are a good man.

He looked at me for a moment and said,

No Mr Pooter you are the good man and we'll see if we cannot get your son to follow such an excellent example.

I said,

Mr Perkupp may I go home?

I cannot work anymore today.

My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head.

It was as much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the bus.

In fact I would have done so had my thoughts not been interrupted by Lupin who was having a quarrel with a fat man in the bus who he accused of taking up too much room.

In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and his wife and also to Gowing.

We all sat round the fire and in a bottle of Jacques San Frere which Sarah fetched from the grocers drank Lupin's health.

I lay awake for hours thinking of the future.

My boy in the same office as myself.

We can go down together by the bus,

Come home together and who knows but in the course of time he may take great interest in our little home.

That he may help me to put a nail in here or a nail in there or help his dear mother to hang a picture.

In the summer he may help us in our little garden with the flowers and assist us to paint the stands and pots.

By the by I must get in some more enamel paint.

All this I thought over and over again and a thousand happy thoughts beside.

I heard the clock strike four and soon after fell asleep only to dream of three happy people Lupin,

Dear Carrie and myself.

Chapter 18.

April the 8th.

No events of any importance except that Gowing strongly recommended a new patent stylographic pen which cost me nine and sixpence and which was quite simply nine and sixpence thrown in the mud.

It has caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper.

The ink oozes out of the top making a mess on my hands and once at the office when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the ink down Mr Perkupp who had just entered called out,

Stop that knocking I suppose that is you Mr Pitt.

That young monkey Pitt took a malicious glee in responding quite loudly,

No sir I beg pardon it is Mr Pooter with his pen it has been going on all the morning.

To make matters worse I saw Lupin laughing behind his desk.

I thought it wiser to say nothing.

I took the pen back to the shop and asked them if they would take it back as it did not act.

I did not expect the full price returned but was willing to take half.

The man said he could not do that buying and selling were two different things.

Lupin's conduct during that period he has been in Mr Perkupp's office has been most exemplary.

My only fear is it is too good to last.

April the 9th Gowing called bringing with him an invitation for Carrie and myself to a ball given by the East Acton Rifle Brigade which he thought would be a swell affair as the member for East Acton Sir William Grime had promised his patronage.

We accepted of his kindness and he stayed to supper an occasion I thought suitable for trying a bottle of the sparkling Algeria that Mr James of Sutton had sent as a present.

Gowing sipped the wine observing that he had never tasted it before and further remarked that his policy was to stick to more recognised brands.

I told him it was a present from a dear friend and one mustn't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Gowing facetiously replied and he didn't like putting it in the mouth either.

I thought the remarks were rude without being funny but on tasting it myself came to the conclusion there was some justification for them.

The sparkling Algeria is very like cider only more sour.

I suggested that perhaps the thunder had turned it a bit acid.

He merely replied oh I don't think so.

We had a very pleasant game of cards although I lost four shillings and Carrie lost one and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence.

How he could have lost considering that Carrie and I were the only other players remains a mystery.

April the 14th Sunday owing I presume to the unsettled weather I awoke with a feeling it was as if my skin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum.

Walking around the garden with Mr and Mrs Treen members of our congregation who had walked back with us I was much annoyed to find a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel path evidently thrown over by those young griffin boys next door who whenever we have friends climb up the empty steps inside their conservatory tap at the windows and make faces whistling and imitating birds.

April the 15th burnt my tongue most awfully with the Worcester sauce through that stupid girl Sarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it on the table.

April the 16th the night of the East Acton volunteer ball on my advice Carrie put on the same dress that she looked so beautiful in at the mansion house for it had occurred to me being a military ball that Mr Perkupp who I believe is an officer in the honorary artillery company would in all probability be present.

Lupin in his usual incomprehensible language remarked that he had heard it was a bounder's ball.

I didn't ask him what he meant though I didn't understand where he gets these expressions from I don't know he certainly doesn't learn them at home.

The invitation was for half past eight so I concluded if we arrived an hour later we should be in good time without being unfashionable as Mrs James says.

It was very difficult to find the cab man having to get down several times to inquire at different public houses where the drill hall was.

I wonder at people living in such out of the way places no one seemed to know it.

However after going up and down a good many badly lit streets we arrived at our destination.

I had no idea it was so far from Holloway.

I gave the cab man five shillings who only grumbled saying it was dirt cheap at half a sovereign and was impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to a ball to take a bus.

Captain Wellcutt received us saying we were rather late but it was better late than never.

He seemed a very good looking gentleman though as Carrie remarked rather short for an officer.

He begged to be excused for leaving us as he was engaged for a dance and hoped we should make ourselves at home.

Carrie took my arm and we walked around the rooms two or three times and watched the people dancing.

I couldn't find a single person I knew but attributed it to most of them being in uniform.

As we were entering the supper room I received a slap on the shoulder followed by a welcome shake of the hand.

I said Mr Padge I believe.

He replied that's right.

I gave Carrie a chair and seated by her was a lady who made herself at home with Carrie at once.

There was a very liberal repast on the tables plenty of champagne claret etc and in fact everything seemed to be done regardless of expense.

Mr Padge is a man that I admit I have no particular liking for but I felt so glad to come across someone I knew that I asked him to sit at our table and I must say that for a short fat man he looked well in uniform though I think his tunic was rather baggy in the back.

It was the only supper room I have been in that was not overcrowded in fact we were the only people there everybody being so busy dancing.

I assisted Carrie and her newly formed acquaintance who said her name was Lupkin to some champagne also myself and handed the bottle to Mr Padge to do likewise saying you must look after yourself.

He replied that's right and poured out half a tumbler and drank Carrie's health coupled as he said with her worthy lord and master.

We all had some splendid pigeon pie and ices to follow.

The waiters were very attentive and asked if we would like some more wine.

I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr Padge also some people who had just come from the dancing room who were very civil.

It occurred to me at the time that perhaps some of the gentlemen knew me in the city as they were so polite.

I made myself useful and assisted several ladies to ices remembering an old saying that there's nothing lost by civility.

The band struck up for the dance and they all went into the ballroom.

The ladies Carrie and Mrs Lupkin were anxious to see the dancing and as I hadn't quite finished my supper Mr Padge offered his arms to them and escorted them to the ballroom telling me to follow.

I said to Mr Padge it is quite a West End affair to which remark Mr Padge replied that's right.

When I had quite finished my supper and was leaving the waiter who had been attending on us arrested my attention by tapping me on the shoulder.

I thought it unusual for a waiter at a private ball to expect a tip but nevertheless gave a shilling as he had been very attentive.

He smilingly replied I beg your pardon sir this is no good alluding to the shilling.

Your parties had four suppers at five shillings a head,

Five ices at one shilling,

Three bottles of champagne at 11 shillings and sixpence,

A glass of claret and a sixpenny cigar for the stout gentleman in all three pound and sixpence.

I don't think I was ever so surprised in my life and had only sufficient breath to inform him that I had received a private invitation to which he answered that he was perfectly well aware of that but that the invitation didn't include eatables and drinkables.

A gentleman who was standing at the bar corroborated the waiter's statement and assured me it was quite correct.

The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I'd been under any misapprehension but it wasn't his fault.

Of course there was nothing to be done but to pay so after turning out my pockets I just managed to scrape up sufficient all but nine shillings but the manager on my giving my card to him said that's all right.

I don't think I ever felt more humiliated in my life and I determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie for it would entirely destroy the pleasant evening she was enjoying.

I felt there was no more enjoyment for me that evening and it being late I sought Carrie and Mrs Lupkin.

Carrie said she was quite ready to go and Mrs Lupkin as we were wishing her good night asked Carrie and myself if we ever paid a visit to Southend.

On my replying that I hadn't been there for many years she very kindly said well why don't you come down and stay at our place.

As her invitation was so pressing and observing that Carrie wished to go we promised we would visit her the next Saturday week and stay till Monday.

Mrs Lupkin said she would write to us tomorrow giving us the address and particulars of trains etc.

When we got outside the drill hall it was raining so hard that the roads resembled canals and I need hardly say we had great difficulty in getting a cab man to take us to Holloway.

After waiting a bit a man said he would drive us anyhow as far as the Angel at Islington and we could easily get another cab from there.

Oh it was a tedious journey the rain was beating against the windows and trickling down the inside of the cab.

When we arrived at the Angel the horse seemed tired out.

Carrie got out and ran into a doorway and when I came to pay to my absolute horror I remembered I had no money and nor had Carrie.

I explained to the cab man how we were situated.

Never in my life have I been so insulted.

The cab man who was a rough bully and in my thinking not sober called me every name he could lay his tongue to and positively seized me by the beard which he pulled until tears came into my eyes.

I took the number of a policeman who witnessed the assault for not taking the man in charge.

The policeman said he couldn't interfere that he had seen no assault and that people should not ride in cabs without money.

We had to walk home in the pouring rain nearly two miles and when I got in I put down the conversation I had with the cab man word for word as I intend writing to the Telegraph for the purpose of proposing that cabs should be driven only by men under government control to prevent civilians being subjected to the disgraceful insult and outrage that I had had to endure.

April the 17th.

No water in our cistern again.

Sent for Putley who said he would soon remedy that,

The cistern being zinc.

April the 18th.

Water all right again in the cistern.

Mrs James of Sutton called in the afternoon.

She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in the drawing room and put little toy spiders frogs and beetles all over it.

As Mrs James says it's quite the fashion.

It was Mrs James suggestion and of course Carrie always does what Mrs James suggests.

For my part I preferred the mantelpiece as it was but there I'm a plain man and don't pretend to be in the fashion.

April the 19th.

Our next door neighbour Mr Griffin called and in a rather offensive tone accused me or someone of boring a hole in his cistern and letting out his water to supply our cistern which had joined his.

He said he should have his repaired and send us the bill.

April the 20th.

Cummings called hobbling in with a stick saying he had been on his back for a week.

It appears he was trying to shut his bedroom door which is situated just at the top of the staircase and unknown to him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had got between the door and prevented it shutting and in pulling the door hard to give it an extra slam the handle came off in his hands and he fell backwards downstairs.

On hearing this Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch and rushed out of the room sideways.

Cummings looked very indignant and remarked it was very poor fun a man nearly breaking his back and though I had my suspicions that Lupin was laughing I assured Cummings that he had only run out to open the door to a friend he expected.

Cummings said this was the second time he had been laid up and we had never sent to inquire.

I said I knew nothing about it.

Cummings said it was mentioned in the bicycle news.

April the 22nd.

I have of late frequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails a good deal with an instrument and on asking her what she was doing she replied oh I'm going in for manicuring it's all the fashion now.

I said I suppose Mrs James introduced that into your head.

Carrie laughingly replied yes but everyone does it now.

I wish Mrs James wouldn't come to the house.

Whenever she does she always introduces some new fandangled rubbish into Carrie's head.

One of these days I feel sure I shall tell her she's not welcome.

I am sure it was Mrs James who put Carrie up to writing on dark slate coloured paper with white ink.

Nonsense.

April the 23rd.

Received a letter from Mrs Lupkin of Southend telling us the train to come by on Saturday and hoping we will keep our promise to stay with her.

The letter concluded you must come and stay at our house.

We shall charge you half of what you would have to pay at the Royal and the view is every bit as good.

Looking at the address at the top of the notepaper I found it was Lupkin's family and commercial hotel.

I wrote a note saying we were compelled to decline her kind invitation.

Carrie thought this very satirical and to the point.

By the by I will never choose another cloth pattern at night.

I ordered a new suit of dittos for the garden at Edwards and chose the pattern by Gaslight.

They seemed to be a quiet pepper and salt mixture with white stripes down.

They came home this morning and to my horror I found it was quite a flash-looking suit.

There was a lot of green with bright yellow coloured stripes.

I tried on the coat and was annoyed to find Carrie giggling.

She said what mixture did you say you asked for?

I said a quiet pepper and salt.

Carrie said well it looks more like mustard if you want to know the truth.

To be continued.

Reviews

Mandy has an incredible ability of bedtime storytelling. I am a severe insomniac and lean heavily on her voice on most days to fall asleep. This series is my absolute favourite. Thank you Mandy ☀️

Another terrific story chapter from Marvelous Mandy, thank you!

Works every time - I never heard the entire story. Thank you!