So today we're going to be talking about emotionally immature parents and parentification.
We're talking about the childhood,
Dear one,
That you didn't even know you lost.
This is a really tender topic.
It's not something that we're used to talking about or something that we generally understand.
But many of us have lived it,
But not many of us have a language for it.
So that's why we're going to flesh this out today.
We're talking about emotionally immature parents and about the term that is called parentification,
Which is what happens when the roles reverse in your childhood home.
It's when the child becomes the emotional caretaker of the parents in the home.
And if this was your childhood,
You may not even know it because the wound doesn't come with bruises or black and blues.
It comes wrapped in words like.
I'm the responsible one.
I'm the mature one.
You were told that you were mommy's little helper.
You were the easy one.
You were just so easy.
You were praised for the very thing that was actually costing you your childhood.
And that is why so many of the people in this community,
Even at 50,
60,
70 years old are saying,
But my childhood was just fine.
Meanwhile,
Your body is telling you a very different story,
Or your relationships are telling you a very different story.
So I wanted to give you three signs that are not so easy to spot,
Because this is where parentification lives.
It's invisible.
And the first sign is this.
You felt proud of being the low-maintenance child.
And notice I didn't say that you were low-maintenance.
I said that you felt proud of it.
An emotionally immature parent cannot handle a child's big feelings because they can barely handle their own.
So as a child,
You learn quickly and silently that having needs creates a problem,
It creates a conflict.
And here is the twist the mind deals with.
Instead of feeling deprived,
The child ends up feeling superior by saying,
I don't need anyone.
I can handle things by myself.
And if your independence has always felt like an identity rather than a choice.
That is not strength you were born with.
That is a need you were trained to bury and ignore.
Now the second sign is this.
You can describe your parents in a world in incredible,
Exquisite detail.
But they could not describe yours.
You knew your mother's moods before she even entered the room.
You knew what would tick her off.
You knew which version of your father was going to walk through that door by the sound of the way he threw his keys on the counter.
You became a scholar of the emotional moods of other people.
But if I asked you,
Did your parents know what you were afraid of at nine years old?
Did they know what made you feel small?
Did they know who your friends were?
Did they know what made you feel alive?
You'd probably offer me silence if this was your situation.
The attention flowed one way.
You saw them completely,
But you,
Dear one,
Were never seen.
The third sign is this,
As an adult,
Other people's problems feel urgent.
But your own problems feel indulgent.
When a friend is struggling,
You drop everything.
Your nervous system snaps to attention.
Because caretaking was your first job as a survival role in your home.
But when you're struggling,
You hear a quiet voice that says,
Don't make a fuss.
Other people have it worse than you.
Research suggests that children who take on adult emotional roles too early often grow into adults who over function for everyone.
And under function for themselves.
If rest to you feels like guilt and receiving feels unbearable,
This is why.
Now,
None of this is your fault.
Let's go into the nervous system piece of this.
Here is how your nervous system is telling the truth beneath all of it.
A child cannot afford to see her parent or his parents as the problem.
Their survival depends on that parent.
So the child's mind performs an act of mercy and turns the blame inward.
If I were better,
If I were easier,
Less of a burden,
And more helpful,
They would love me right.
They would take care of me.
The child protects the parent's image by sacrificing their own self-worth.
So what is the one key idea that can help you break through this today?
Because I want to leave you with something tangible.
It's this.
You must grieve the parent you deserve.
So you can stop auditioning for the parent you got.
So much of adult codependency is a child still performing,
Still overgiving,
Still overfunctioning,
Hoping that this time the love will be returned.
The breakthrough begins the day you let yourself say,
It was not okay.
It was not enough.
It was not fine.
And none of this was my fault.
Grief is not betrayal.
Grief is a doorway to getting to the other side,
Because the truth of your childhood has been buried.
And the truth is that you are worthy of being taken care of.
But you were forced to take care of everyone else.
And now that job belongs to you entirely.
And you can take care of yourself with tenderness.
You can break through.
You can develop the mindfulness practice.
You can develop the self-compassion practice.
You can offer yourself the grace,
And you can learn to feel worthy of self-care.
Dear one,
You are enough.
You are always enough.
It was never you.
It was just your programming and reprogramming can be rewritten.
