Why Narcissists Never Really Hear You

Have you ever spent hours, days, or even years trying to explain your feelings to someone, only to walk away feeling more confused, exhausted, and unheard?

Do you find yourself constantly repeating the same conversations, defending your reality, or wondering why nothing ever seems to change?

If so, you are not imagining things. And you are not asking for too much.

In this powerful live workshop episode, Lisa A. Romano explains why narcissists appear to listen but rarely hear what you are actually saying. Through deep psychological insight, trauma-informed awareness, and nervous system education, Lisa reveals how narcissistic communication is designed to keep you trapped in confusion, self-doubt, and endless circular conversations.

This is not about communication failure.

This is about understanding the game.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough, The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true authentic self. I'm Lisa A. Romano, Your host. As an award-winning author and certified life coach, I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind. I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self. My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening. Awakening in this podcast. I'll share insights tools and transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery So today I want you to understand a couple of things about how narcissists communicate. And how they convince you that they've heard you when they actually haven't and how they do this and why they do it. When you are involved with a narcissist, Oftentimes you don't know it and oftentimes you question yourself. If you are someone who is mildly healthy, Then you recognize that you might be wrong. And so you question yourself, Not so with a narcissist. Okay, That's the first thing that you have to understand if you are dealing with a narcissist. Second thing that you have to understand is that you enter into a relationship. Thinking that all you have to do is negotiate and spend enough time talking to this person in a way that guarantees that they heard you. Relationships are about being heard and communicating to other people. In a healthy relationship you can get from point A to point B. You can't do that with the narcissist. You never get to point A. From point B. To point being in a narcissistic relationship because they are designed to keep you in a loop, To keep you in a circular conversation. So here's what happens. So let's say you catch a narcissist in a lie. And it's happened over and over and over and over and you being of someone of you know, Moderate intelligence. Let's let's just say moderate. You're probably brilliant, But let's just say moderate intelligence. Because you know that a four year old knows when they're lying, Right? You're baffled. You're thinking that, Well, They're saying they didn't do this thing. They didn't move the cheese from the refrigerator to the dining room table and leave it out there all night. They didn't do that. Even though I only live with them, They didn't do that. Okay, So someone of moderate intelligence would think. Well, Maybe when I asked them that question, Did you do this thing? And they said, No, Maybe I'm not asking the question correctly. So you doubt yourself. So what happens with the narcissist is a narcissist is built to not hear you. They're built to not negotiate. They're built to remain in control of the power dynamics. So they're built to ensure that you stay confused. So that when they do something wrong, You can never truly hold them accountable and or leave them. They can leave you. They can start hedging their bets and triangulating you and start flirting with people at work and they can start setting up the scenario in which they can leave you. But no, No, No, No. You cannot leave them, Which means that they have to ensure that any reason that you have that is legitimate to hold them responsible for any wrongdoing is absolutely obliterated. I hope you get that. So it's a game. It's a game. You have to see and understand a narcissist's mind like a video game character. You're not real to them. You're a pawn. And I know that that hurts so much to hear. Because to someone who really loves another person who operates through this layer of consciousness which is below the veil of consciousness which is ego and lack of consciousness. And oftentimes, And I'm not saying this to drum up empathy or sympathy for a narcissist, I'm just saying this is the way it is. Do with it what you will. Research suggests that it's a mixed bag. Sometimes narcissists are narcissists because mommy and daddy were narcissists and taught entitlement and everybody's below this narcissistic family. Sometimes narcissists are designed or built through tremendous trauma. If it's a male narcissist, They have mommy trauma. They have mommy drama. They have mother wounds. Their mother was controlling, Diminishing, Demeaning, Borderline personality, And now. . . This little boy doesn't trust women. And so now he treats his wife as some stored subconscious version of his mother. And treats his wife, Who is only trying to negotiate with him and meet him halfway. He treats her in a way that he treats his mother. Oh, No, You're not gonna control me. I would ask my ex, What time are you gonna come home for dinner? Or can you be home for dinner at five? And in his head, Oh, She's trying to control me. No, Babe, That was your mommy. That's not me, I'm your wife, Okay? And when I ask you simple questions like what time you're gonna pick up the kids, In your head, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, She's trying to control me, Can't do that, I can't answer the question. And maybe I'll just show up late for the kids just to tick her off, Just to show her that I'm the man in the relationship. That's all inside your head. Dear Boy Scout Narcissist, That's not what I'm about. Took me years. Took me 12 years to figure that out. Almost 12 years to figure out what was really going on. When you're having a conversation with someone who is a narcissist, What will happen lots of times is that they will frustrate you and absolutely deny what you see. And depending on whether or not this person is sociopathic or psychopathic, Depending on how far down the spectrum of narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder they go, Will determine when they cry uncle. In other words, Like I have seen with my private coaching clients that my client will confront their narcissistic spouse and the narcissistic spouse takes them on a circular conversation. No, I didn't do that. Or, Well, You're trying to control me, Or why can't I move the cheese from the refrigerator to the coffee table? I just want you to see what's happening in that conversation. The narcissist And I don't even know if they're aware that they're doing it or that's even scarier that it's just inherent. So if you can't see what you're doing, You can't fix it. So dear one, I hate to tell you, Your life is gonna be miserable if you're with this type of a person. Because if they can't see it, They can't fix it. If they can't acknowledge it, It's gonna keep happening over and over and over again. What's happening in this dynamic is, The narcissist has now pivoted your focus from the lie. It's no longer about the cheese was taken from the refrigerator and left on the dining room table overnight. It's not about that anymore. It's a simple question. Did you leave the cheese on the dining room table at night? Narcissists can't admit that. So what happens is, No, I didn't do that. Immediate response, Deny, Okay, Deny. You're not crazy. You know that someone moved the cheese and it's only you and your husband or you and your wife or you and your child, Whatever. You're not crazy, Right? But they first deny it. So now, If you stay there with your stainless steel spine and you stay above the veil, And you look at this logically, Left brain versus emotionally, You won't get upset that you're being lied to. You'll just know consciously, I'm being lied to. This is a form of manipulation. Okay, Keep going. If you just observe. What happens next? What will happen if you're dealing with a narcissist is that now we're talking about, Well, Why can't I leave the cheese on the dining room table if I want to? What's wrong with leaving the cheese out. I read an article six years ago that said there's nothing wrong with leaving cheese. On the dining room table. If you're not careful. You will be baited into conversations about the article. You will be baited into conversations about this idea that you're just trying to control them. Well, Why shouldn't he or she bought the cheese or paid for half the cheese and pays for half the rent? Why can't this person leave the cheese on the table if they want to? Pay attention to what just happened. The narcissist has helped you take the eye off the ball. The I that should be on the ball is, You lied to me. It's not even about the cheese is now on the dining room table. It is simply, You're lying to me. And if we as people who deal with liars and emotional manipulators, If we could see this clearly. We would not get sucked down into rabbit holes. When we are, Now this is where it gets even more complicated. Don't mean to confuse you, But I really want you to see this because all of my work hinges on, Yes, I talk about narcissism. I talk about codependency. I talk about childhood emotional neglect and trauma. I talk about the subconscious mind. I talk about you're either living below the veil or above the veil. That's where you are. That's your choice. And it's a spectrum. So narcissists are really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really low on the scale when it comes to living below the veil of consciousness. And people who are hopefully in recovery are above the veil, And they stay on the recovery path, And they stay on the self-enlightenment path, And they clear out their subconscious mind. They get clear about their patterns and programs in their relationships, But most importantly in themselves. So what I do is I help people live above the veil, Above the veil, Above the veil. We keep going above the veil until we can see in ourselves objectively without judgment. The patterns in the programs that A, Attracted us to narcissists in the first place. And the patterns and programs and the emotional blocks cognitive blocks the screwy wiring in our brains, Our body's response, Even our state of beingness that keeps us in these toxic relationships. The trauma cycle, What keeps us there? So I help people get really, Really practical and objective about their patterns and programs through metacognition and through conscious healing tools. So that's why I want to pivot a little bit. Because it's great, Right? Like we're into this for like 11 minutes, Like it's great. Like, Wow, Lisa, Like I can see that when I have conversations with my sister, Like, Did you take my pocketbook? What pocketbook? Why would I take your pocketbook? You know she took your pocketbook. Did you bring this drug into the house? No, I didn't bring the drug into the house. Well, What if I wanted to bring a drug into the house? What's wrong? That's a recreational drug. Like, Wow, I know someone in my life that does that to me, And I can see how I so easily get manipulated into conversations about Now I'm trying to control this person or oh, I'm accusing my sister of being a thief and now I'm defending myself and that wasn't necessary. It's great that you can see that, Right? Because awareness is everything. But until you get to the root of why this is happening in the first place. You're just going to attract another version of this because you've come to awaken and break the cycle so that disappears within the subconscious mind. You elevate your consciousness and you act differently with your new state of beingness next time. So now we're gonna pivot to, Well, Why did I attract this person in the first place? Okay. Classically, Let's take a young girl who was raised by a covert narcissistic father. This is a man who lied to this little girl over and over. Yeah, I'm gonna come to your flag football game if he doesn't show up. Yeah, I'm going to buy you that scooter that I told you that I was going to. . . And he doesn't buy it. Yeah, We're going to go on that vacation. Vacation never comes. No, I'm not going to do that thing. And he does that thing over and over and over and over. And every time This little girl, Here's her father, Who is a definition of a role model for her, Right? Like, He is her example of what a man is supposed to be. Daddies teach their daughters what to tolerate and what to expect in a man. The thing is that this is subconscious. Now, There is an attachment wound there. And what happens to us in terms of the inner child, We don't stop yearning for that connection. To this narcissistic liar of a father. We continue to want and ache to be good enough, To figure out the recipe to finally be enough for this lying, Manipulative, Narcissistic father. But we don't know this. So this yearning is sort of like the black box inside an airplane. When an airplane goes down, The black box is in the bottom of the ocean, Bing, Bing. It's telling you what happened. And hopefully helping you understand how the hell did this plane end up in the bottom of the ocean. That is the same thing that happens inside of us, Our wounds. But we are not taught to look at our wounds. At least I don't feel we're doing enough in therapy or even trauma recovery. We're not doing enough to help people understand. How powerful the mind is, And how capable we are as human beings to observe our patterns from a higher state of consciousness. I am proof and the 5, 000 people that have come through various coaching programs that I offer. 25, 000 people in my private Facebook group. I mean, I have a million followers across social media. Something's happening. People are understanding that they have the ability to understand why they do what they do and how to fix it. So if you were attracting somebody who very easily keeps you stuck, And manipulates you. For example, The earlier example of the narcissistic partner who lies, I didn't do it, Well, Why can't I do it? You're being taken down a rabbit hole. And who will eventually says, Oh yeah, If you stick with it long enough, That garden variety narcissist may even give it to you. Oh yeah, Now I know what a lie is. So what happens in that situation, Dear one, Is that you finally feel, They heard me. They effin heard me. But you're getting the booby prize. What you really wanted was some accountability on immediately. Immediately, I lied. But what you get after a day of crying about this, Two days, Three days crying about this, Trying to figure out how to get the narcissist to hear you, Feeling like you have to prove your feelings to this person who you don't realize is subconsciously wired to not hear you, But you keep trying, Dear one, You keep trying because you have wounds and you're a good person. You're a really good person and you're being frustrated, You're being frustrated. When they realize, Wow, She's not letting go of this or he's not letting go of this, Suddenly the heavens open and the narcissist knows, Oh yeah, I see that, That's a lie. You feel after 24 hours, 48 hours, Or three days of this begging to be heard, Like everything makes sense, Everything clicks finally. They make you feel like you won, But you didn't win. You didn't win. Because they exhausted you. And now you settle for the booby prize. After two days, Three days crying yourself to sleep, They finally get it. And so now you think that if they get it this time, They're not going to do it again next time. But you don't see that this is just a cycle of doing something wrong, Lying about it. Not admitting it. Putting you on the defense, Making up a story about it, Moving the goalpost, Changing your focus, Frustrating you, Crazy making communication, Making you feel nuts, Making you doubt your reality. And when you finally hold onto yourself and you're not letting this up, Oh yeah, I see what you mean. It is just to get their butt out of the fireplace, Because they know you're not going to let up. They don't mean it. It is simply a way to get you to back off. And they win because you've been frustrated. And you're so frustrated, You're tired, And you think. The fantasy, The cognitive distortion of every child born to a narcissistic mother or father is, Next time it will be different. And it never is. Because here's the thing. Healing and recovery never happens in the conscious realm. It happens in the subconscious realm. And at the end of the day, Someone that you love, That looks you in the eye and lies to you, Does not have empathy for you. So when you're standing there saying, Did you move the cheese from the refrigerator to the table? And they're saying, No. They don't care how that no made you feel. They don't care. That the way you perceive them is changing. They don't care. They don't care that you need to trust your husband or trust your wife or trust your mother or trust your father or trust your friend. They don't care that you need to trust them. They don't care. They don't have empathy for you. They only care because they're so immature and so stuck and so narcissistic. They only care about making you feel like you're wrong so that they can stay at the top of the totem pole. There is no true negotiation with the narcissist. They are nicer to other people than they are their spouse. They are more kind to other people's children than they are their own children. This crap does not surface except through the most intimate relationships. Why? Because the most intimate relationships wounded them as children. And before you go crying for the narcissist, You have to understand that one narcissist can take down an entire family. One narcissist can take down an entire family, Especially if that narcissist is manipulating sympathy and empathy from other people and is so covert and is so kind to everyone else, But is mentally abusive to their spouse and their children behind closed doors. I want to leave you with this thought if you're dealing with a Boy Scout Narcissist or a Girl Scout Narcissist. Ask yourself one question. Would this person talk to me this way if someone else was standing here? That they respected or that they worried about how that person viewed them. For example. My ex-husband would never have spoken to me the way he spoke to me. You're crazy. You're a wacko. Nobody thinks like you. You're a negative person. Something's wrong with you. He would never have said that if my mother was standing there because they were both kind of the same So he played her so when when she was over he knew how to load the dishwasher and He knew how to play with the kids. He knew how to, Like, Get up and act happy and. Kind and put the dishes in the sink. It was absolutely amazing. And for a long time I thought, It's me, I'm crazy, This is really who he is and I'm just too critical of him. No, No, No, No, No, No. Once I went into recovery and I began to live above the veil of consciousness and I wanted to understand what is it about me that caused me, How did I get here? That's when things started to shift. That's when I was able to see things objectively, Not from the little girl mind, The right side of my mind, The right side of my brain, From my higher mind. From Adult Lisa. From wife Lisa, From my empowered self. Like this guy treats me differently when my mother's here. That's not a me problem. I treat him the same whether my mother's here or my mother's not here. That's a him problem. That's an emotionally abusive problem. And that's when things started to click. And I said, I'm going to live above the veil of consciousness or die trying. Because I will not be controlled by other people who live below the veil. And I am certainly not gonna be controlled by the patterns that govern me below the veil due to childhood trauma. And so if you are loving on a covert vulnerable narcissist, I really want to encourage you because it's very difficult to see this because so much of your love if you're wounded is coming from the inner child space. And that can feel so overwhelming. But I'm here to encourage you as someone who has made this journey and I help other people make this journey from their inner child to their higher self. Through cognitive training and consciousness training, It is possible. And The real love that you can experience from above the veil, The real love that you can experience as you heal the self and become aware of your patterns and promise to never do this to yourself again. The love that you will attract in the future will so outshine this early wounded love attraction. I am with my husband, Anthony, Now for 16 years. It's possible. I attracted him when I was 45 years old, Single with three kids, College dropout, Personal training business at the time, Riding the road back to me at the time, Published in 2012. I was at least a remnant of the breakthrough life coach back then. I was just somebody who figured it out and wanted to heal and live above the veil, Who figured out how my childhood trauma, How generational trauma, How inherited family trauma had affected me at the subconscious level. And I was determined to not live there anymore. I did not want Harry the hippocampus or Amy the amygdala to control me anymore. I knew that my children had been affected by generational cycles of trauma. By me, By my parents, By my alcoholic grandparents, And I promised myself that I would break the cycle for them first. And then eventually realized that in breaking the cycle for them, I was freeing myself. And I promised myself that I was not going to leave this earth without being the most complete version of myself for my children, Because I wanted to teach them another way of being. And I've kept that promise, And now I share that promise with others. I so hope that this has been helpful. Dear one, You can do it, And you are enough. Bye for now.

Reviews

This was awesome - very, very helpful! Love the term "boyscout narc" - lol!! 💜

🙏

I love ALL your talks, hon, and I wish I could bottle them all up and present them to my sister, who really could benefit from them greatly. (Okay, no, actually, I want to smack her in the head with it and say, "WAKE UP!! THIS IS *YOU*!! But I can't do that.). You make so much sense, and I can definitely see my father and sometimes even my mother in your examples, and I know that's why she married the oaf she's tethered to right now. This story tonight, about moving the cheese, hit home. Just the other day she had a small sample size bottle of dish soap on her sink, and when she went to use it, it was gone! Nobody was in the house save for my sister and her husband. When she asked him where it was, so she could use it, he denied ever seeing it, much less moving it. A week later, he's stuck to his story and it never turned up. I am going to purchase her another one tomorrow, and tell her to hide it so she doesn't lose this one, too. It's pathetic that a marriage can devolve into something so petty and immature, but it has. And she still won't leave him. I'm so frustrated with the situation. Thanks so much for your talks; they help me understand what's happening, immensely. Bless you, Lisa. Namaste. 🙌🏻🤗💜