Why Codependents Ignore Red Flags

Have you ever looked back on a toxic relationship and wondered, “Why didn’t I see the red flags sooner?”

Do you find yourself constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt, overexplaining their behavior, or staying in relationships long after the warning signs are obvious?

If so, you are not weak. You may have been conditioned to override your own instincts.

In this powerful live workshop episode, Lisa A. Romano explains why codependent people often struggle to recognize narcissistic behavior and emotional manipulation in real time. Through deep psychological insight and nervous system awareness, Lisa reveals how childhood trauma trains the subconscious mind to normalize instability, dismiss intuition, and mistake emotional pain for love.

This is not about being naïve. It is about conditioning.

Transcript

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough, The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true authentic self. I'm Lisa A. Romano, Your host. As an award winning author and certified life coach, I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind. I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self. My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate Awakening in this podcast. I'll share insights tools and transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery Namaste dear ones today. We're going to be talking about why codependence cannot see red flags I know that the word narcissist and the word codependent gets thrown around a lot out there on social media There are a lot of people using that term and a lot of us are confused just off the bat a narcissist to someone who exhibits signs of a lack of entitlement, A lack of empathy, And the need to emotionally exploit people through a pervasive pattern. So this is who they are. So after you've engaged with a narcissist, You feel drained. You feel exhausted. You notice that you cannot be vulnerable around a narcissist because the minute that you're vulnerable around a narcissist, They have to pound you. They have to embarrass you. They have to remind you of all the times that you were wrong and all the times That they were right. So this is all the time. This isn't somebody has a bad day Somebody is really stressed and there it's out of character for them Okay, So we're looking for pervasive patterns if you grew up with a narcissistic parent dear one It's very likely that you struggle with low self-worth that you struggle with depression because why because as a child there was no reward in Being this parents this this parents child in order for you to have enough dopamine Running around in your brain. For example, You had to have been raised in an environment where you were encouraged that Mistakes were not seen as the end of the world But that there was pleasure even in making a mistake and falling down coloring outside of the lines because there was someone else outside of you That was encouraging you to try and to make a mistake so that dopamine reward centers in your brain are actually Activated so if you were raised by a narcissistic parent then those reward centers in your brain are not activated. So don't be surprised if you felt like a depressed little kid. I know I was. And in my home, Because my family was so blind, So dismantled by alcoholism and gambling and domestic violence on both my parents' sides with their parents, Their dads. So both my grandparents were domestically, Grandfathers were domestically violent, Which my parents were exposed to. I mean, It goes on and on and on. But they were so below the veil of consciousness, So stuck in their paradigm, Not their fault, Obviously, But they were stuck. And when they raised us, They raised us through this very limited lens. They could not see how they were treating us. They just could not see it. So if you were raised in a home with parents who are below the veil, Even codependent and or narcissistic, Then most likely you have felt depressed in your life. You may even feel depressed now. Research suggests that 40 million women in United States are affected by some level of codependency because women have traditionally been conditioned for compliance To go with the flow to be the peacekeeper to make sure that everybody's okay That's has traditionally been a woman's role. So this is not something to just ignore this is a big thing because lots of women are being treated for depression and Undiagnosed codependency which goes further undiagnosed childhood trauma, Which goes further, And arrested nervous system, Which goes further, Subconscious beliefs that are governing their life. So the mind is more subconscious than conscious. You are only 5% conscious. Really the subconscious mind is where it's at. So you can think one thing, But your beliefs are always going to win out. That's why you can be in a toxic relationship, Know that it's toxic, Even know that you're codependent and you can't get out. Why? Because you have subconscious beliefs that are keeping you stuck. Your nervous system is wired to say, Oh no, Don't set that boundary because this might happen. And until you uncover That core root belief, Which is what all my work is about subconscious rewiring Elevating your consciousness so that you can see your programming because if you can't see it, You can't escape it You're gonna attract Harry from a different zip code or Mary from another continent But it's going to be the same narcissist if you are codependent and you were attracting narcissists you were attracting the parent that you were groomed to learn you needed to please as a child and You are stuck as the inner child operating not as your adult self with a stainless steel spine not your fault but literally Attracting that narcissistic husband or wife or partner or co-worker or friend is you in your child's role repetition compulsion unconscious to what you're doing and You're programming your children and whatever if you don't have children you're staying in that pattern your friends can see what you're doing, But you can't see what you're doing because you're Higher self can't well your conscious self can't see what you're doing because the subconscious you is running your ship Now the good news is that the more we awaken the more we see these patterns and the more we can escape them I know I can speak with authority on this I've been training people for over 20 years on how to do this and I've done it myself and I continue to do this work each and every day Why because it works. It's that simple. It's absolutely amazing and So you want to understand that as it is below, So shall it be above. So the subconscious mind, Your childhood programming, The stuff that you're in denial of, When you have trauma and experiences like abandonment, When you have an insecure attachment, You don't know it. But when you look at your adult life. You observe yourself objectively and you notice that you've got narcissists in your life like where are they coming from? They're coming out of the wood the wood like wherever you go. There's like, Oh, Why did I bump into another narcissist? They smell you out They know that you have a high empathy. They know that you're highly agreeable They know that you're groomed to worry more about other people's feelings than your own. They know they can sense it They have that level of empathy, Not kind empathy. Oh, I would never hurt you because I know what that feels like empathy, But more like a Spidey sense empathy. Like, Oh, That's what that person feels like. Ooh, I know I'm going to be able to take advantage of that woman. I know that I can take advantage of that guy. You know, I'll just tell him how handsome he is. And then I'll wiggle my way into his wallet. He'll take care of me and my kids and my grandma, My grandpa, He's going to do it all for me. So narcissistic women know how to manipulate codependent men and that same narcissistic men know how to manipulate codependent women. That's not going to change. What's going to change is fixing the codependent man and fixing the codependent women. But how do we fix holes in the walls we don't see? So we have to make it really digestible and understandable. So if you're a codependent man and you're a codependent woman, You can see yourself in this narrative and grab the golden ring and say no more. I'm going to change my life I'm not going out like this I would rather live one day or one month above the veil of consciousness aware of narcissists in my life honoring the spirit and and and the lens of discernment and Taking care of myself and setting a boundary. I'd rather live one more month or one more day above the veil Discerning than below the veil in pain and thrashing against what is and not even knowing What the heck is going on with me? I don't want to be in a pattern for the rest of my life if you're attracting narcissists and you're a codependent that's what you're doing you're in a pattern and This is you going against even your spiritual nature because your spiritual nature is love So you're going against who and what you truly are? So the organizing principle of life before we go off into a tangent tangent lions and tigers bears. Oh my I'm digressing forgive me dear ones. I just want to say it is you are love But when you were operating from below the veil of consciousness, You are operating from fear You don't know that it's a fear from childhood. You don't know that as an adult you've attracted the equivalent of the narcissistic parent the guilt-producing parent the manipulative parent the exploitive parent the parent who should have been there for you, But abandoned you every time and It made your life harder at every turn especially when you needed them. That's when they abandoned you the most, Huh? You don't know that you've attracted that person into your life. You're below the veil of consciousness. It's like a blinder on you. So we heal by awakening. We heal by saying, Oh wow, That makes sense to me. And then we set our course, Right? We set our compass or we navigate towards that direction, That new life, That new information, That new awareness. And we do everything we can to break through so that our patterns aren't controlling us. So let's talk about why codifying reasons why codependents cannot see red flags. Number one, They interpret discomfort as a cue to self-correct. Oh my god. When something feels off within their body, They assume they misunderstood, Stood, Or did something wrong. So the focus shifts from evaluating the other person to fixing themselves. Okay, Ladies, Gentlemen, Brothers and sisters of alcoholics and narcissistic parents and the emotionally neglectful parents, Can I Get an amen. Oh Joyce Myers is coming out. Seriously. Can I get an amen? Think about it if you were a little kid and your mother was a narcissist and You're just coloring coloring, You know, You're in your room and you're coloring or whatever and she comes in and says What are you doing all day? What are you doing all day? What are you doing over there? You think that looks good? You think you're gonna get up and do anything today besides color you feel like something is off but what you you do in your head is You think that you did something wrong. You don't know that you've been born to a narcissistic woman who is Now trying to make you feel uncomfortable because she can't connect with you She just can't and she gets a sick thrill out of hurting you and making you Shrink in her presence. So you were in a good good happy mood and mommy dearest walks in the room and she's got to make you shrink She's gonna make you feel bad about yourself. You immediately switch and think I must have done something wrong And guess what when you become old enough to date and old enough to get married when you marry a narcissistic Husband or a narcissistic wife and they walk in the door and they have some snarky remark I remember saying to my ex-husband one time and this blew my mind Something about I went to the post office and then I went to Target and he came back with well Where'd you go first? I thought you was going to the post office before you went to Target and I remember feeling like oh my god What did I do wrong? Must have not told him where I was gonna go first. I didn't even now I'm like who the hell cares whether I went to the post office or I went to target first Why does that matter because I have a stainless steel spine now now I can see that type of Gaslighting or that type of emotional manipulation insinuating that I did something wrong. I did nothing wrong But when you're codependent, You don't see it as a red flag now I see it as a red flag of some mofo walks into my room reality and ask me some stupid dumbass question. Like what kind of question is that dude? Like I can do that now, But I couldn't do it then. So codependents don't see that as a red flag when something feels off and when someone is trying to emotionally manipulate them. They interpret it as self-correction. I have to correct myself because I feel this thing and I have to fix myself because this person said what they just said to me. Number two, They equate endurance with love. Emotional and confusion or even disrespect gets reframed as something to work through rather than a signal to step back. Okay. Amen. Hallelujah. Amen. I know many of you are like, Oh my god, Like that's what I'm doing So you are the woman and you are the guy you hang in there all the signs are there the abuse is there the gaslighting is there the minimization the devaluation the inconsistency the constant and Complaining the constant nitpicking the constant triangulation the constant putdowns you're never good enough enough for this person. The gaslighting, The circular conversations, But a codependent thinks I got to dig my heels in because love means enduring pain. Why? Because when you were a little kid, That's what you thought you had to do. Why? Because you couldn't escape your mother. You were emotionally, Financially, Spiritually, Physically, You name it, Dependent upon this person and your dad for survival. So you felt like one day You're finally gonna figure it out one day. You're gonna be good enough. So you equate endurance with love You don't see that this abuse. So these experiences are a red flag That's why we have to correct everything at the subconscious level number three. We are trained to override our intuition. Okay? Hallelujah. Amen. Is this resonating with you? Think about it early conditioning of a codependent child Due to a narcissistic parent teaches them not to trust their perceptions So even clear internal warnings are dismissed or minimized. Okay, So when you come from a crazy-ass home Let's say dad's an alcoholic, You know set the house on fire it was craziness like put get poured kerosene in the fireplace and him and his drunk friend like Put the house on fire and we're just like oh dad's at it again and mom's like oh dad's at it again like Denial of how crazy this is that's just one incident this poor adult child had to experience as an inner child and so You think this is crazy, But mom and dad are like ha ha ha it's just another day in mr. Rogers neighborhood Not so you feel like it's crazy, But your parents like it's no big deal. That's how Destructive denial is and if you are the adult child of an alcoholic if you are the child of a narcissistic parent This was your constant reality You had like uh-oh feelings, But your parents your siblings everybody's drinking the freaking kool-aid hello Everybody's drinking the Kool-Aid you you can feel the elephant you might even be able to see the elephant like dad's drunk But mom's like no he's not drunk. He's just tired too much took too much Ambien. He's working too hard stop it Oh, Just stop it mommy stop it. You can't have abuse without a passive parent It's like oh, That's not happening so you override your intuition so when you are with a narcissist They dismiss you. They gaslight you. You're anxious all the time. You're walking on eggshells all the time. You do not think to yourself. How do I feel? What do I think? You have no objectivity. It is completely subjective. What you feel is your fault. You must be misinterpreting the situation. So that's a red flag that you can't see because you're codependent. That has to change. Number four. We attach, And I say we because I'm a healing Child, Okay, Like craziness craziness. I grew up in craziness. Worst part was that it looked like it wasn't crazy So when your house looks perfect, Like my parents look like Ken and Barbie for God's sakes My mother was a beautiful blonde-haired blue-eyed woman beautiful woman my father was a tough macho Italian looking guy with his little wife beater t-shirt and a Marlboro cigarette and his Pleated dungaree pants and his black work shoes. Like you looked at my parents like they got they got it all together. And so That was very confusing as a child, Right? Like everyone thinks they're great They keep telling me I'm so lucky to have them as parents like they had it worse So we were emotionally invalidated forever. My parents did not care about your emotions You were your soul was irrelevant. Like they were behaviorists. They focused on our behavior and that's it and So I'm say as we as I say we because I understand this dynamic and I I want everyone to understand this fourth point We attach identity to being needed. Okay, That's why we can't see red flags So red flags become opportunities to prove value through overgiving Through patience and through emotional labor rather than boundaries. Are you hearing me? Miss and Mr. Codependent adult child of alcoholics and narcissists out there We attach our identity to being needed so the more dysfunctional this person is The more we want to fix them the more we move into the role of trying to prove our worthiness to them That's not a red flag for a codependent It's an opportunity to work out our conditioning our programming our subconscious belief systems I'm only valuable if I'm working towards proving my worth so you are mean to me as a codependent I don't see that as a red flag. I feel like I have to prove to you that I love you I'm gonna show you how loyal I am and then you're gonna get it and then you're gonna love me back and Then the clouds are gonna part the Sun's gonna come up in the sky and I this wounded child will finally feel Like I've reached the motherland I'm finally going to feel that connection that I never felt as a little girl or a little boy. So that is why Codependent will not see this as a red flag because or pain as a red flag or emotional narcissistic abuse as a red flag or Gaslighting as a red flag or the how about the silent treatment? How many of us grew up in homes where if our parents were ticked off at us and it could be it could have been that we got an a Instead of an a-plus and it could have been that we slept five minutes later than our parents wanted us to sleep it could be the most silliest things and We didn't we didn't we didn't put the cup in the sink and suddenly we're not spoken to for days like this is craziness So we're walking around on eggshells like is she ticked off at me? Like what did I and we don't know we don't we don't know we don't know and so this conditions us to be afraid to set a boundary because if we set a boundary Then we lose that potential connection and also if I stop giving and over giving I'm giving that person an opportunity to be Abusive, So I better keep over giving and I better be needed by this person. So when a red flag gets exposed, Which is a red flag to everybody else but the codependent, A codependent sees abuse as an opportunity to prove their worthiness to this person. That is why we don't see the red flag. Number five, We normalize instability as familiar. Dysfunction feels recognizable. Chasing love is familiar. Chaotic or invalidating behavior doesn't register as danger. It doesn't register as a red flag It feels like something to manage not to avoid think about it our homes were Riddled with conditional love there was no stability. There was no. How are you Lisa? How do you feel and how do you think and what do you need and how is school today, Right? If you are coming from a narcissistic home, You were afraid to tell your mother that you were bullied you were afraid to tell your mother that you got your period in school and you know you're staying yourself like you were afraid to tell her that you know you you got cracked over the head you know and you know walking into a wall you're afraid to tell them anything that happened to you because they're gonna get ticked off they're gonna get angry like if you present with a need first of all they're gonna turn it around on you and say what did you do what did you do like what did you do there was no safe haven for you if you're a codependent adult There was no safe haven. There was no safe mother or father that you could go to on a consistent basis to say, This is how I'm feeling. This is how I'm feeling. So think about that. Without that stability, If I can only exist by ignoring myself, By walking around on eggshells because of my mother has borderline personality disorder or a path she's passive-aggressive or narcissistic angry irritable rageaholic and my dad has depression and he's a control freak and narcissistic and gambler and addiction and so many other things that could affect a poor little innocent child then I Have to I have to abandon myself. Carl Jung says it's the exiled in a child. I cannot deal with my emotions, It's just too much. So I have to escape. And so I escape into the fantasy of codependency. Maybe I can please them. Maybe I can take care of them and maybe then everything will be comfortable So a codependent seeks relief from their inner anxiety because of this craziness Through taking care of other people which is so important to understand so when there is a red flag a Codependent will not see the instability in the relationship the up and the down the arguing the picking on them They're not talking to them the making fun of them in front of other people The discard the minimizing their emotions the invalidation the circular conversation. I don't sit up. You're crazy I know that's that's just the way you took it all that kind of crap the crazy-making communication a codependent person will not dismiss that They will not they will dismiss it, But they will not see that as a red flag because it feels so familiar So this in a healthy person would do this like oh, This is crazy-making. Oh, This is gaslighting. Oh, That's a weapon like oh They're using fear obligation and guilt against me Wow like okay Darth Vader. I can see it. I can see the weapon I finally learned how to do that as I healed from my inner child wounds as I addressed the codependency as I addressed these Subconscious beliefs that were keeping me stuck and that is why I attracted so many narcissists even though I knew what codependency was it wasn't until I really dug deep into the subconscious mind and retrained my brain that I developed a Mental and spiritual emotional and even psychological discernment So now I'm able to observe my own patterns my higher state of consciousness. My consciousness has been expanded that takes time It's called metacognition that takes time. You could read all the books in the world if you don't activate metacognition You can listen to all the videos and all the podcasts and you could do all the meditations in the world if you don't understand this basic concept that you need Neuroplasticity you need metacognition you must become Still in order to observe your patterns because you cannot fix a hole in the wall that you cannot see you're going to stay in This wheelhouse and that's not your fault But the world is governed by patterns and cause and effect and so that's why I'm so passionate about Working with adult children of alcoholics and narcissistic parents and those of us who have codependency because it's not their fault They're born behind the eight ball. They come on to this planet. They don't realize that everybody falls asleep when they get here They are affected by their parents' programming, The outer world, The conditioning. There are so many things that affect us and become part of our download, Become part of our ego consciousness. And until we can sort this all out, We cannot escape this codependent narcissistic dynamic. We can't. But it doesn't have to be that way. So I so hope that this session has really driven home why it is, Even at the subconscious and neurological level, Why it is that codependents do not see red flags. And this is why we are so susceptible to narcissistic relationships. Namaste, Everybody. Until next time, You are enough. And stop letting the narcissist convince you that what you're seeing is not a red flag. You got this. Bye for now.

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