Welcome to the breakdown to breakthrough podcast.
My name is Lisa a Romano.
I am a life coach best-selling author YouTube vlogger meditation teacher and expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse I am a believer in the power of an organized mind My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness Rather than living a reactive life May your heart feel blessed your mind feel expanded and your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here At the breakdown to breakthrough podcast So let's break down what a trauma bond is one day things are really good and the next day things are really bad And what happens is you don't even realize that you're being pulled into an abusive cycle.
It's important that you recognize that there's this intermittent intermittent validation or inconsistent validation over time and so what's happening what's happening is you're being primed to seek validation and You're also being primed to fear a negative outcome This is what I call the codependent hamsters wheel what happens in an abusive relationship is that there are two things that are going on primarily a you seek validation and This is where you're getting your sense of pleasure from your mind is being primed to think it's good to get validation So you're associating pleasure with that?
But on the flip side of that you're associating pain with a negative outcome And so if you're dealing with someone who's abusive you are at the same time being primed to seek their validation Good boy,
Good girl.
And at the same time you're being primed or brainwashed to fear The outcome or to fear the negative outcome from disappointing this abusive person So in a trauma bond situation,
There are a number of things that take place So let's break them down if you're in a trauma bonded situation You are someone who most likely makes excuses for an abusive person so when people try to interfere you go right into protecting or defending the person who is Putting you down or who is abusing you in a different way.
So you end up defending the abuser Number two if there is some type of a dependency on the abuser Let's say there's some financial dependence on the abuser Then it's going to be much easier for you because you're in a vulnerable situation To rationalize the abusers behavior number three.
There's an unhealthy attachment Although you may recognize though this relationship isn't all that healthy You literally have an unhealthy attachment to this person and when you have an unhealthy attachment to this person For instance,
Let's say your mother is abusive It's going to be easier for you to rationalize her behavior Then it would be if you did if you had a much healthier attachment with your mom when we have unhealthy Attachments to our parents we often develop symptoms of codependency And so we are fawning we are people-pleasing and these are the ways we're trying to avoid upsetting a narcissistic parent like a narcissistic mom and This is also the way we get to avoid our own negative feelings about the abuser number four Which is really sad and something that we all have to recognize and we don't when we are in the throes of a trauma bond Is that a narcissist or a highly manipulative person?
Gets the victim to assume responsibility for the abuse so you are being completely yelled at narcissistic rage from your girlfriend or your boyfriend then you were Basically brainwashed to believe that it was all your fault for the narcissistic rage.
It was all your fault for their accusations It was all your fault that they cheated on you It was all your fault that they left or that they calls your names or they were mean to your children It was all your fault And so this is a concept of trauma bonds that is very very familiar to those of us who have come from abusive Narcissistic relationships you will be brainwashed to believe it's all your fault.
So in order for a trauma bond to take hold Certain criteria has to be evident and number one is that you have to be afraid so there is an absolute threat in this situation so you perceive going against the narcissist as a threat something bad is going to happen your brain is hijacked with fear and That's what this trauma bond is really all about is if the bond is fear You're afraid of what's going to happen if this person gets upset or perceives you in a way That is untrue and triggers them number two is that you experience harsh treatment But you're also experienced moments of pleasure,
Which is why you're so confused.
So if a narcissist was cruel to you all the time You wouldn't be in a trauma bond The problem is that you're in a relationship with someone who is abusive and then you experience moments of pleasantries So maybe they bring home flowers and maybe they create a picnic situation for you Or maybe they hire a limousine and you go out and out night on the town.
These experiences are confusing you They make you hold on another aspect of the trauma bond situation is when you begin to isolate yourself From people who are telling you what you don't want to hear your sister saying I think your boyfriend's abusive and you stop hanging out with your sister or your best friend says I think that girl is Abusive towards you like you don't hang out with this anymore Like she embarrasses you in front of your friends and your family and you start to push them away You don't want to hear what they have to say Another it's so sad,
But another aspect of this whole trauma bonding situation is you believe that you're in a situation That you can't leave like you feel like you can't escape this situation You feel helpful helpless to the situation and you feel powerless Remember we're talking about a bond a traumatic bond So what happens with someone who is a who is abusive and and you call them out on it?
What happens in this also reinforces the trauma bond is that they promise to change?
So you've had a blowout with your girlfriend or your boyfriend and you know,
They've embarrassed you in front of some friends They've done some really shady stuff.
You've caught them cheating.
You caught them in a lie red-handed You caught them stealing your car writing out checks in your name,
Right all sorts of nonsense,
Right?
This is after they've taken you to on a trip to a Capoco that you paid for and you haven't figured out yet But I'm just saying this is the craziness the up and the down of a trauma bond So what will happen is that when you catch an abusive person like a narcissist in a situation?
Red-handed they might agree to change they might cry They might tell you how sorry they are and they commit to change But if you pay attention,
You know If you stand in the moon as I like to say and you observe the pattern in your relationship What you what you will notice over time is that they never change and their hope there when they tell you that they're going to change this actually reinforces your Your commitment to them because now it's like future faking now You're holding on to the possibility that things are going to get better soon So what are the signs of a trauma bond?
So the signs of trauma bond are that you're in an abusive relationship and you're making excuses for it and You're taking responsibility for it.
You're pushing people away who want to help you Friends and family are very concerned about you and you're isolating yourself off and the person who's abusing you is Also wanting to isolate you from friends and family as well You will defend an abuser and you'll feel too frozen to end it You'll feel like I've had invested so much time.
I know this person is going to change I know this person is only this way under certain situations.
There's a lot of excuses you feel afraid Now this is the thing when we are in a trauma bonded situation Oftentimes we're taught that our reality is irrelevant We don't pay attention to the way that we feel and so we doubt that we feel what we feel And so we're not tapping into the fear the fear below the veil of consciousness is motivating our behavior I was seeking approval behavior.
It's motivating our hope right?
Oh things look at better soon All I have to do is make sure that his potatoes are hot enough and make sure that I don't upset her by talking about This and make sure I put my shoes in the closet Just the way he or she wants me to and I can't leave a fork on the table because that might turn her into it Turn her narcissistic rage on so if I do all of these things then I can avoid this negative outcome The problem is and this is one of the reasons I like to create content like this is because you need to become aware Of how you're feeling so if you are in fear,
You might not even know you're in fear below the veil of consciousness You're just going right into people-pleasing behavior You're going right into like survivor behavior fawning rescuing enabling detaching from your own emotions Trying to keep your eye on the narcissist trying to anticipate the narcissist needs So what are some of the things that we say to ourselves when we are in a trauma bond with a narcissist?
Well,
If you've ever heard yourself say she doesn't always act like this She only gets this upset when I don't do what she wants me to do He acts this way because he loves me.
This is why he's so angry No one understands our relationship.
Are you Nate?
Our relationship is unique And so just because she goes off on a tangent like this and she has this rage Doesn't mean that our relationship is bad.
You don't understand the connection We have if I didn't say that then he wouldn't have flown off the handle She said these things that she beat behaved this way because I made her angry He always says he's sorry after he does this So I know he loves me and I know eventually in time He's going to change if you've heard someone say or if you have said I know things are going to get better this is only happening because she lost her job or He only gets like this when he's drinking or he came from a dysfunctional home That's why he has all these problems.
That's why he can't keep a job.
That's why he's so frustrated That's why he threw a beer can through the window.
It's all because he's frustrated You know His father was an alcoholic and he gets highly upset because he doesn't have a job and all of that what you're hearing is rationalization and Rationalizations for poor behavior.
This is what we need to pay attention to not only in ourselves But when we hear this in family members what you're hearing is Basically a rationalization of poor behavior.
So how do we break a trauma bond?
Well,
If you want to break anything you have to understand it if you want to break up some concrete you know that you need a jackhammer because of What concrete is if you have some glue on your table?
Let's say some tape that is stuck to your table You might want to use some vinegar to release the release the bond the glue has glue has on the table And so you're basically looking at the trauma bond very analytically.
What is this all about?
So the trauma bond is basically all about manipulation,
But it's mostly rooted in fear So it's rooted in the fear of abandonment.
It's rooted in the fear of making this other person upset It's rooted in the fear of a negative outcome.
You have to recognize that trauma bonds are not based in reality That you are in a relationship perhaps with someone who promises to change and they never change you are in a relationship With someone who lies to you you are in a relationship with someone who cannot listen to you who takes no responsibility Who takes no accountability and who exploits your emotions who feels entitled to exploit you emotionally?
You thinking that this person is going to change because you're accepting poor behavior is not based in reality That is not factual in fact People like that get worse when you enable someone's poor behavior They get worse so if you really want to break trauma bond It's time for you to accept you're not living in reality and you have to start thinking more Factually you have to start collecting data and you have to start looking at this situation more logically and less Emotionally,
So how can you do that?
How can you think less with your emotional brain and more with the rational brain?
I like data sit down at your desk get out a journal and think about all the times this person has said they're sorry and Never changed think about all the times you've caught this person in a lie,
And they just continue to lie Think about all the times this person has cheated Think about all the times this person said they were going to do X Y & Z and they never did it Think about the times this person you lent this person money,
And they never returned the money But they always had a story for when they were going to return the money so you want to start collecting data When did this person explode?
How did it make you feel who was there collect the data on what date did it happen?
What were you wearing?
What was he or she wearing?
What was the situation?
Was it a coffee cup that you left on the coffee table?
Was it that you didn't tell them about a doctor's appointment?
Was it that you made a decision about the kids and didn't include them in the decision and it was a minor decision like?
What color shoelaces is are we putting in the kids sneakers like collect the data?
That's going to help you Decrease your emotions tied to the situation and increase your ability to see this thing more logically number two try to get in the habit of Staying rooted in reality and shutty shutty don't make excuses for poor behavior Leave it there when you're in a trauma bond and someone that you love that is abusive to you does something That you know they shouldn't have done.
Maybe they lied to your family,
And you know that they're lying,
Right?
So you're standing there,
And you're frozen like she's lying so rather than in your head go into Rationalization mode just for a moment leave the lie out there Imagine that this abusive person is in their own psychological condom if you will and You are learning to let go you are learning to accept that this person is generating their own Karma,
And you are no longer taking responsibility or accountability For what comes out of their mouth,
And you're no longer rationalizing their poor behavior This is some true hokey-pokey subconscious stuff That's why you'll always hear me say that if you want to heal you have to raise your level of consciousness Around what it is you want to change because the brain is habitual Thinking is habitual if I've been conditioned by a manipulative person to be afraid to open my mouth Then below the veil of consciousness I'm stuffing my feelings if I've been conditioned to believe that everything's my fault then I'm going to below the veil of consciousness subconsciously do everything I can to fawn and people please acquiesce and to Basically make this other person my God live to make this other person happy.
I'm not going to honor my feelings I won't know how to So it's really really important that we stop making excuses and that we find the support We need to help us stay rooted in the reality of this idea that we're really in a an abusive Relationship and we need help you
