When Love Feels Draining

This workshop is about the patterns quietly exhausting you. Have you ever loved someone by taking care of them, putting their needs first, and wondered why so many of your relationships feel out of balance and leave you depleted?

Traditional boundary advice, such as 'just say no' or 'cut out difficult people,' doesn't account for who you are or what you've lived through. Boundaries are more than saying no or shrinking yourself to avoid conflict.

If you've spent years showing up for everyone else and quietly wondering why love keeps leaving you drained, you're not alone, and you're not the problem. There's a reason giving yourself away has felt necessary, and it goes deeper than needing better boundaries.

In this class, we'll look at where that pattern really comes from and what it actually takes to start changing it.

Transcript

When love feels draining. We're going to talk today about our boundary blueprint. So much about when love feels draining, Whether that be with our intimate partner or with our dear friends or with family members, Gosh, Even people that we work with. Really often goes back to this blueprint that we learned before we even had words of what it's supposed to look like, How we're supposed to show up in love. And it's interesting to sort of look under the hood of that because there can be some insights and surprises that you really weren't expecting. What's going on when you're trying to rebuild your boundaries and what you might be bumping up against? I think in my practice, The most common thing that I hear is, Oh, I tried to set a boundary with, You know, The mother-in-law or the boss or my sibling or whoever that sort of difficult person is. Tried to set a boundary. And they just push back against it. They just don't accept it. And that tells us so much. I always share that a boundary is not about keeping that other person out, But it's about keeping you in. When the triggers happen, When the discomfort of holding your ground comes up. So that the other person accepting the boundary It's really about maybe you have to communicate it in another way. I know it feels like with some people I've restated my boundary, You know, Like 52 times and maybe I'm just going to have to keep restating it. It's not about getting the other person's consensus or agreement. It's really about holding what You're able to give what you're able to do and holding steady in that. And I think that can be such a. . . Such a thought, Such a consideration, Because the truth is nobody ever sat us down in school and said, OK, Here's how you set a boundary. Now here's how you do that with someone you love. And there's so much concern you might feel about letting them down. Here's how to listen to your own needs first before tuning in to what everybody else needs from you. No one showed us how to listen to ourselves to be sure that we know the difference between how does a yes communicate with you in your body and actually what does no feel like? How is it different? And I don't think anybody ever taught us how to listen and really. Listen to the body's limitations, So how we're protecting our time. Our body, Our energy, Without feeling selfish. How to honor our own truth without that awful feeling that if we don't do what the other person expects of us, Well, Maybe we're going to lose the relationship altogether. And so sometimes it's that fear of disappointing, Fear of losing the relationship that keeps us on this treadmill. And that's why there are so many of us, Especially those who grow up, Grew up, Let's say. In an emotionally complicated family. You know, That's probably the kindest way we can say it. Those of us that grew up in an emotionally complicated family end up with boundaries that feel like a complex web. We either collapse our needs to keep the peace, Or we go silent. We disappear. And then inevitably we feel resentful, Even if that's carried in the privacy of our own minds. And so today we're going to spend some time understanding the patterns that are quietly exhausting you. And it's not just the typical, You know, Just say no more often advice. Because we all know it's never as simple as that. It's not the rigid walls that keep people out. Remember what I shared at the beginning, That boundary is the ability to keep yourself in. When the mother who pushes the buttons, When the spouse who feels dismissive, Keep yourself in, When the other person does what they do and says what they say, For you to be able to stay with yourself when that trigger comes in. And I think sometimes when we think, Oh, I did it again, I said yes, When I really felt no, It can lead to endless self-blame. And maybe there's that voice that tells you, I should be better at this by now. Or, You know what, Whatever they want is fine. It's just easier that way. And you're moving through your relationships in this kind of Let's just keep it steady kind of energy. But we all know that's where resentment silently builds up in the background. And there's this beautiful awareness that when we look to another, We also agree to their fate. And so this can be a sort of a larger spiritual concept. But this place where sweetheart, I love you. And that is your family pattern. And it sounds really complicated. It seems really draining. And if you would like to talk about it and unpack your piece with me, I'm always there for you, But I can't get involved. And just know that every time you might say to your partner, Ugh, Your brother, My gosh, Or geez, Did your mom do that again? There's this place where you're not meaning to, But you're putting your partner in this unwinnable place between you and their other family member. So staying out of it, Steering clear of it, Is one of the most loving things you can do. And letting them know, Yes, That sounds really complicated, And encouraging them to get some therapy, Get some support, Get untangled from that whole mess. Um, Of course, Because I've been working in the body of work of family constellations with this, Which is all about this inherited family patterns. That would be the kind of therapy that would support best. Because it understands the intricacies of how we're all connected in family. And just like the concept of the boundary, It's just not as easy as saying, No, I'm not available to help you. We also can't just step out of what feels like a complex web inside of the family. We need a little more support than that to untangle ourselves. Um, So let's look back at this concept about all the patterns that might be quietly exhausting you, Unless you're able to really choose your place in it, Which means that's not my family system. That's my partner and I trust his capacity or her capacity to find the right way through for them. And I'm choosing not to get involved so that I don't complicate the issue for them, Making them inadvertently feel like they have to choose between me and their family situation. Okay, The other consideration that we really that I really want to focus on with our time together today. Is that boundaries aren't just a skill that we can build. We have also inherited this idea of what a boundary is. What love is, What is expected of love might be the best way to say it. And so I like to think about it as living like a blueprint. Inside of your body. So each of us carries a boundary blueprint. A kind of emotional muscle memory that comes from the family system that we all grew up in. So if you had a parent who lashed out when you said no, That's going to make you think twice about the costs of saying no to a loved one. If love was somehow given conditionally, Like if you get this grade, Then we celebrate you or if you whatever, You know, Athletically in school do these amazing things, Then you're going to be great. But if there's a sense that I've disappointed a parent academically or athletically or wherever, And love is withdrawn. This really embeds this idea of what you need to do or what you should be doing in like a performance way in order to earn love. And this creates adults who go above and beyond in their relationships to be seen as the kind one, The helpful one, The good friend everyone can count on. It can be really heavy when we're trying to create healthy boundaries. And then if you grew up having to tiptoe around someone else's moods or needs, It's this conditioning that happens where you go outside of yourself. To notice what everybody else needs, To notice if it's even safe. To share what you need. So it makes perfect sense. If you can relate to any of those examples, It is so understandable that your body now equates having boundaries with losing connection. And so if setting boundaries feels hard, Just know you're not alone in that. Often it's a sign that somewhere along the way you learned it wasn't entirely safe. To fully be yourself. Inside Relationship. And then it turns out you've probably spent more time keeping the peace. Then practicing the truth and expressing that truth. So let's begin right there. So many of us give ourselves away in order to stay connected, To keep the relationship in good working order. And so that also means that we've become kind of practiced where we end up saying yes, When our body is clearly communicating to us, No. And sometimes for us where we're starting, You might even need a little bit of practice to slow things down a bit so that you can feel the difference between a yes or a no. Some of us are so far outside of ourselves, It's like, Well, They asked, So they must need it, So I'll say yes. And we haven't slowed down enough to notice if the body is aligned with that. So if you can relate to that, That's your first practice. When someone asks something of my time or my energy or even for me to just listen to what's going on for them, I want to imagine even taking a 30 second pause. Do I have the energy for this? Is this something I can give my time, My energy? All of my time too. Because otherwise the knee-jerk reaction is to over-function, Is to over-give. And we believe often without realizing it that our role in the relationship is to make sure the other person is feeling okay. To the point where we might not even notice what it costs ourselves. And so the first step in this whole practice is slowing down enough to listen to your body. And so let me give you a few examples that if you can find yourself within them so that you can relate. So, Do you find yourself? Walking into the room and immediately scan your parent's face or your partner's face, Parents growing up. And see if it's a good day or a bad day. Because you've become very attuned to the emotional weather in the house. That's always changing. And there's this awareness that you have adjusted accordingly. And so it's almost like a bit of a slip there that I had that if we used to scan our parents' faces and energy, We certainly do that with our partner today. You share something valuable and something that feels actually quite tender inside. And instead of empathy, Your parent makes it all about themselves. Leaving you wondering. What did I even open up in the first place? When you try to express a hurt or maybe even set a limit, You're met with defensiveness. Or even dismissive, Sentence something like, Oh, Don't be so sensitive. And I think the even worse is after everything I've done for you, Why can't you do this? Just this one thing for me. And so this sort of like guilt tool is brought out and you're hooked in. Your job and their relationship becomes managing them. So you start to question maybe your own feelings or you shrink your own needs and you get into this work of sort of over-functioning. So that you're easy going, That there's no demands, Things are, You're trying to keep things good. But you don't realize how many corners you're cutting. From what you actually need inside of the relationship. And so just tune into your body. Have you learned to appease? To stay agreeable. To abandon your own needs in order to avoid maybe their disapproval or their disconnection. And so you've become hyper attuned to their moods. And a sense of, I'm responsible for their reactions. Because if I'm not, Then they're going to disconnect from me. And so if any of those examples for how we all grew up and how our childhood really imprinted us. That sort of experience, It doesn't just stay in our childhood. Oh, That was how my mom was and we tuck it away and we move on. No, It becomes a part of our imprint. Like a blueprint for how you move through adult relationships. And so just notice if that feels like, Oof, I can see that early connection and how now I am over-accommodating for a partner to keep the peace. I have become more attuned to how they're feeling than to how I feel in myself. And so I talk a lot with my couples that I work with in practice that every couple has their own field that they need to tend to, Energetic field, Health field. And then we have a co-field. And so often when this dynamic comes up, We're not even embodied with ourselves. We are over there with them. Trying to get ahead or prevent a reaction. And so no wonder love feels so draining. And so when we then start talking about boundaries, It can feel like a risk to the actual bond, The connection in the relationship. Because what you learn to do to maintain connection back then as a kid. Is probably what ends up blocking intimacy now. The challenge is that whole dynamic has you move into like a parental, Um, Foundation, Caregiving place. And there's not a lot of polarity and potential for intimacy to grow. And so we're blocking the deep bond that we actually really want. And so if you can relate to growing up that way. Your whole body might actually feel, Ooh, I'm not so sure about boundaries. Because it argues with how you maintained connection. So think about a little girl. The connection is, If I speak up, I'm going to lose love. Or maybe even for that section of time, Mom gives me the silent treatment. Or asks me something like, Who do you think you are? And you feel diminished. If you're asking for what you need, Maybe you'll be made fun of or made wrong or judged. So you become hyper-independent. Hyperaccommodating. And that's the blueprint you might be operating from. And now you're inside of your relationship today. And there's this question, Like, Why do I feel so exhausted? Why am I so resentful? Why is so much of what I need, And I'm just talking about natural needs we all have in relationship, That they feel unseen? So I think now's the time for some good news here, That this blueprint isn't permanent. You want to think about it like a survival map. And now. . . I want to talk about how do we learn to redraw it, Remap it. How do we learn to heal some of those parts and pieces? That maybe has kept you feeling frustrated for quite some time now. So let me explore my needs and wants in today's relationship and how much they map to back here and back then in my childhood and what I didn't get enough of. Because. I was going to say each and every relationship, But let's say 99. 99% of the time, What's unresolved from our first love, Our mom and dad in our childhood finds a way to replay again inside of our relationship. And so now we bring those unmet needs and unmet wants from our childhood into our relationship. And often, It depends. Who we are in relationship with, Of course. How we're asking for those needs and wants to be met. And if we're in that sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. That he's never going to listen to me. He's never going to understand me. And maybe that's exactly how you felt in childhood. So the deepest work I do with my clients is recognizing what pattern is playing out and going all the way down to the roots to heal that. Because our relationship reveals clues. Our love shows us, Sort of with a neon arrow, Where to look in what's unhealed in us. Around, Wow, The changes in me. Okay. Thank you for showing me, Partner, What still lives like a live wire in my body. I'm going to work with that. You making me feel dismissed. I am six years old again at the family table, Feeling like no one's listening to what's important to me. No one's got space or time for me. And so once we make that connection, A really big movement is to start to give ourselves what we had always wished could have come from mom and dad. And we stop waiting for it to come from inside of our relationship. It can be really, Really difficult to do that. But it is a practice that will change your life. So. . . I think a part of changing this is first recognizing how much it costs us when you say yes, But really your body feels no. That there's something really small inside that tends to just go quiet. And over time, Maybe you begin to lose track of what you actually think or where you actually need. What you're really feeling in the moment. It's like your preferences get filed away somewhere over there. And your body tightens, And you show up as a version of yourself that you think others will approve of. And so there's this performance that comes in over someone who doesn't feel at ease with their boundary. Like, Who do you need me to be to make sure this relationship works out okay? And what part of myself might I have to hive off so that I don't ruffle your feathers? And so the cost is what supports us in doing some of the more difficult work to face this. And it can show up in all kinds of different ways. Chronic exhaustion was one of my first signals to stop my people-pleasing ways. You're always giving from a cup that you never refill. And so that practice of, It is really true that we can only ever give from a full cup. And what I have to give is what falls over, Not taking from the core center of self. Notice how many of your really cherished relationships have resentment built up inside of them. That is a big clue. Is there a sadness or a hurt that no one really knows you? Because you're in performance mode. You're not really showing them who you are and what you really need. Because if you do, They're not going to listen anyway, Kind of a resignation. And then physical symptoms, That's a big one. You know, The body keeping score when the mind just holds it all silent. Out there doing everything for everyone. And they're not aware of their inner no. And so the body then says the no for us. Through illness, Through exhaustion, Through pain. Is the body's final way of setting a boundary. That we might be too afraid to speak. You know, I'll never forget working with this woman. She had chronic fatigue. I think, My gosh, It had been going on well over a decade. And she had seen every doctor, Every naturopath, Tried every supplement, You name it. And so she came to me exhausted, Even trying something else, This fear that this is just my life. And so because I work so differently, My first questions were about family of origin experiences in her family. And she was basically characteristically everything we've talked about, Raised to be the good girl, The helper, The, You know, Putting everyone else's needs ahead of her own. And so when she got married, She married a very successful man who needed to do like social gatherings, Let's say like every other month. It was a pretty common thing that she was expected to cook and host and entertain all of her husband's business partners or potential partners. And she just found this exhausting and she didn't want to do it. And so, Of course, She shared that with him. And so they hired a caterer. But the catering team, She was still the lead go-to person. She was still kind of project managing the event. These are for hundreds of people. And It went from their living room to their large backyard to a public place. And so it just felt like bigger and bigger and bigger and more things that she felt she needed to manage. And she said something so interesting, Something along the lines of years ago, I worked with this woman. So let me see if I can remember. It was this piece about there. Now I never have to do another one of my husband's events again because I have fibromyalgia. And I just sat back in my chair. And memories of this book came flooding through. Oh, She couldn't say no. Or if she attempted to say no, The husband said, After all I do for you and the lifestyle I provide for our family, You can do these social events. Come on. Sort of dismissed her. I find this exhausting. I just can't do it. And so how very interesting that she even languaged that. There was a conscious awareness to that degree. But certainly not that piece of like, If I can't hold a limit or a boundary, My body will do it for me. And so it's very important that we look at that before it settles in to the physical. And so here are a few reflection questions for you, Whether you just want to sit back, Close your eyes, And get the answer from your body, Or you want to get a journal out and write them down. Where in your life do you feel the most drained? The most resentful. Maybe even the most invisible. What might you notice about that? And the next reflection question, Can you recall a recent moment? When you said yes. And then you felt your body tighten. Because for those of us that are still learning the difference between how yes communicates with us and what no feels like, This can be the first indicator. You know, Your jaw goes tight and you say, Sure, I can help you move again. And your body's just in dread. Or maybe your chest just tightens. That's your first instinct. So that's what I want you to pay attention for the next few weeks. When someone asks something of me. What happens in my body? What would change in your life if saying no felt safe? Saying no was an option on the table. The body always knows, And really trusting that. And how do we find our inner yes and no? And is it, Is it a surprise to you to consider that your body has been speaking to you all along? And sometimes it feels like it's through tightness, Or maybe it's the sinking feeling in your stomach, Or the way your chest lifts when something feels right, Like a click. And so really the best first step is this invitation to start listening. Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, It's your duty to disappoint that someone else. And I just think that is so profound and that is such a supportive way to start to navigate what comes up. And so in the book, That quote comes from this conversation with her daughter. And so her daughter says to her mom, Oh, I'm so upset. I really let my brother down. He wanted me to join this team and meet some of his friends. And you know, I just didn't want to do it. But I saw how sad it made him and now I'm just filled with guilt. And her mom said something along the lines of that quote, Hey, Sweetheart. When we're sort of in this place in life and they'll be many more like this that you're describing where we can either disappoint a loved one or disappoint ourselves. It's really our practice to build a tolerance to be able to disappoint that loved one instead of chronically disappointing yourself. And the daughter just looked at her shocked. She's like in her teens, Maybe she's like 19 or something at the time of this conversation. And she looks at her mom and she says, Even with you, Mom? And Glennon says, Especially with me. And so that just sort of brought me to tears because I thought, Oh my gosh, What if my mom had said something like that to me when I was 19? How many years of heartache would that have saved? Me finding my voice, Me recognizing, Hey, Wait a minute, It's actually okay to listen to my body, To prioritize my needs, And it's okay to let a loved one down. And so no shade to my mom, She's a very generous and loving person, But her whole identity is really built on what it is to give to others, What it is to be there for others. And it builds a lifetime of consequences inside the body. Instead of thinking, Oh gosh, If I'd known that at 19 instead of now 50, What would be different? And so instead of that whole thought line, It's this piece of like, Wow, I know it now. And how will I choose to show up differently now? How might I choose to listen to my body, Understand, The communication differences in my body between yes and no. Step one. Step two is the courage to match what we're feeling inside with what we're saying on the outside. And I think the third step that just sort of feels organically in the evolution of this is building that tolerance that have disappointed another. And guilt is going to be a part of it. The founder of the work I do talks about guilt as transformation, That not a lot of significant long-term change happens without guilt. And so I started to look at guilt very differently from, Again, How I was raised, That guilt is to be avoided at all costs, To embrace the guilt, To look at it as a central ingredient, As a part of my change, As a part of how I'm going to move forward. And OK, Here's the guilt. Yep, That's a part of expanding my tolerance. That's a part of being with what's happening. That's a part of what it means to choose myself. And we breathe with it and we recognize it as an essential ingredient. And so I was just listening to something about what changes in menopause when our estrogen goes off that cliff and we have more of testosterone as a sort of level balance that we really are in a place of like, Yeah, That's my limit and so be it, Deal with it. I can't do small talk anymore. I am not willing to be that sort of emotional glue that holds the whole situation together. I'm going to say what I feel. I'm going to match what I feel in my body with what I'm saying outside. This is the perfect example of a healthy person. And so. It's not, It's not about. . . Throwing your family and friends in the sort of, How dare they say that, And that's the bad category. I think we as human beings like to keep things status quo. This is how I know it to be. And so there is this piece about, As I change, As I choose myself, It is going to shift my relationships. And the ones that are looking to establish a balance, That are happy with the balance, They're going to grow and strengthen. And the ones that like it this way and are not willing to, I was going to say embrace the change, But at least accept the change. That may be a defining factor, That may be a defining end inside of the relationship. Yeah. And we don't want our family and friends dismissing these feelings, These needs and our new found ability to communicate them. We don't want to feel dismissed inside of, Hey, This is important to me. And the loved one might say, Well, It wasn't ever before. And you can kind of say, Yeah, But. There's changes that are happening and it is now. And so we are in a bit of a renegotiation. And so it's sort of like what I was sharing at the very beginning that clients have said to me, Oh, I've tried to set a boundary with the spouse, The mother-in-law, Whoever. They don't accept it. And so that isn't the stopgap. For you to continue to say yes when your body says no. There's this awareness that my boundary is not for the other person. The boundary is for me. The boundary is sort of the saying aloud, Here's my limits. Here's what I'm able to do or willing to do. Here's where I can meet you and here's where I can't. You know, Some people might think, Gosh, That's, You know, Heartless or something, But think of it this way. You meet with a friend and again, She's complaining about her husband and, You know, This is going on like eight years, The same complaints and the same frustrations. And you're just like, Oh, My ears are full of this. I cannot listen. And I've given the compassionate ear. I've even said, Well, Here's what's worked for me. And so there is a limit where my beautiful friends. If you're not willing to get the therapy or implement the shifts or do things differently, I'm at my limit of being able to listen to the Susie and Dan rerun show. I can't do it. And so sometimes the most loving thing, I'll never forget actually when a friend said something like this to me years ago. We speak maybe three times a year because we live far apart. So, You know, You do the regular catch up and she said something so. Authentically cutting, That it just woke me up. Something like, Oh, Joanna, That sounds a lot like the update you gave me, You know, Four months ago. That must be really hard to stay inside something that isn't changing or isn't moving. And it's sort of like, Whoa, Is it? Am I saying the same things as I was four months ago? Let me reflect. Let me look at where I'm stuck. Sometimes that can be the most loving thing a friend can say. Hey sweetie, I don't want to see you stuck. When I tried to explain it, They say, What's different? Are you ill? Were you diagnosed with something? What's causing this new behavior? Well, Here's the other part where I don't have to explain to you, Whoever, What healthy shifts I'm making to include myself on my own list. And so sometimes it can be a reflection of how far things have gone, You know, Tipped to the people-pleasing side, To the other person's needs come first, Until we start having those limits and having different conversations and our loved ones say something like that back. And so let's borrow from that when the body says no book, And you could answer something like, Oh, Geez, Do I have to have a huge, Big diagnosis for this boundary to make sense? And by the way, I'm doing what's right for me, And I actually don't need you to be on board with it. I don't need your permission, Or I don't even need your understanding. And so I love you, And this relationship is really meaningful to me. And this limit is actually protecting our relationship. Because if I keep doing the things that now feel a bit too much or feel imbalanced, I build up distance, And I feel resentful. And it ends up hurting our relationship. Relationship. And so something that really helped me in the beginning when I was, I'm now a recovered people pleaser on the other side. And something that really helped me in the beginning was when I said, Um, So I, So I said yes to something that I knew my body felt no to. And now I'm sitting in the, Geez, I did it again. And maybe I'm supposed to help the friend or go to the friend's event or whatever in a week. So there's this space in between, I said yes, And now I regret the yes, And now I'm in this place of, I did it again, And I'm making myself wrong, And thinking, Oh, I just got to do it, I guess. And here's an alternative option. To call the friend and say hey. I know that I said I could come and support your event next Thursday. But now that I sat with it, I'm really realizing I'm stretched. And as much as I want your event to go fabulously well, I'm not going to be able to attend. And so maybe the friend says, Oh, I get it. Good for you. You know, Great. And maybe the friend says, What? I thought I could count on your support. How are you backing out on this? I understand your frustrations and I feel really bad about initially saying yes. It was of course my initial instinct to support you and want the best for you and want this event to go well. But I also have to consider myself in this equation. And when I do that, I am stretched too thin. And I want to protect our relationship. I don't want to do something just to make sure that you're OK, But I feel exhausted and sort of spent. And I don't want to end up feeling resentful about this. So as my way of protecting our relationship, I'm backing out. Thank you so much for your understanding. And they might be on the other end of the phone like, My understanding, I'm still so upset about this. And so this idea of stretching our tolerance, Let them be upset. It's okay. They can be disappointed that things aren't the way they used to be. And you still get to protect. Your energy. You're a part of this relationship just as much as wanting to do things to support them. It's hard to get over the guilt of feeling selfish, But protecting our own energy is so necessary. Well, And it's so important that I'll say it again. There is no long-term transformation or change without guilt. Guilt's a part of it. Guilt's an essential ingredient. It's almost like it's a signpost on your path. You're going the right way. You're doing the right thing. You're choosing yourself. And so we want to go back to that beautiful quote, Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, It's your job to disappoint that someone else. And so boundaries, They show up in so many places, In every single relationship that we have across the board. If our partner will not work on their own childhood wounds, We are held hostage. By their hurts. Because their hurts will Run the show. Is my partner's childhood hijacking my peace of mind, A security in my relationship? So we just want to start to look at, Yeah, I'm going to commit to doing my work. And sometimes that's all we can do. And so that's probably a question I get all the time. Hey, My husband or my partner is not going to show up for therapy, But I can't stay in this situation. So you do the therapy. You do your work. You set down your side of the tug-of-war rope. You change that dynamic. That will absolutely change the relationship. And it's also going to give you crystal clear clarity when you're not playing in those realms, When you're not participating in the dynamic, You see it from the outside. And then you can make a decision from a more clear place. Because if we go back to the actual topic of our talk here today, That is one of the main reasons why love feels draining. My partner's childhood hurts are running the show. I can't live my life because it's gonna touch on his insecurities.