What 20 Years With Couples Taught Me About Conflict

After 20 years of sitting with couples in distress, one thing has become clear, the fight in front of you is rarely the real fight. In this workshop Johanna shares what she has learned about why couples argue the way they do, what most conflict is actually pointing to, and how to finally work with it instead of against it.

Transcript

My name is Joanna Lin. I'm the founder of the Family Imprint Institute. And I've been working with individuals and couples for a little over 20 years about all the things that come up in relationship. And, You know, Sometimes it's not just about our relationship as a couple, But more about the stressors that in-laws might bring in, The experience of parenting and what that might bring up in us. And then of course, How we navigate conflict. How our attachment patterns show up in the ways we might repair, Or even the things that are a trigger in the first place. And so. I guess I've learned to start off that so much about how we handle conflict is never just as simple as we'll just say it this way. You know, If I could only give you a script to say, If you follow from here to here, It'll all be well. It's much more about what's underneath and what we're making meaning out of what's going on. And some of the times what we continue replicating, What keeps happening that you might feel, My gosh, We have had this argument, You know, 35 times over, You know, Since the beginning of the year kind of thing. Why do we keep getting stuck here? Is that it's never just about you and I in the couple. There is such a larger context of what everything is connected to. And unless we're working with the full picture of how any of us got to be the way we are, And of course that's what we bring in to our relationships, To our parenting, It kind of shows up all over the place in our life. But let's say we're just stuck in communication techniques, Or we're led to believe that it's just because we're not having enough date nights, That the deeper issues kind of get pulled underground. And we want to be able to shine some light on those deeper dynamics so that those couples that I've worked with that have gone to couples therapy for months and sometimes even years. And they'll tell me that things maybe get better for a little bit. Maybe they have some new language to pull from, Maybe even some new tools in the moment. Maybe their conflict has turned down from, You know, 10 out of 10 to, You know, 3 out of 10. And they've learned other nuances and other ways of getting their point across. But the challenge remains that so many of those patterns of what's underneath why the fight is happening in the first place, Well, That keeps coming back. And so maybe that, That dreaded fight you've had a hundred times before, Maybe it starts off differently every time, But it seems to circle back around to the same place. You know, Something like you never listened to me. Um, I can't trust you. Um, Why are you getting so dramatic or the simple, Um, Deflect where the other person is just walking away because they're too overwhelmed and they don't know how to meet the moment. And so I think it might be most helpful if we can talk about what happens there. And then of course, What to do if you feel frozen, Or if you go into reactivity, Or if conflict often seems to take a wrong turn for whatever personal reason that might be for you. And so are you feeling that after that difficult conversation, That you feel super activated, That you don't feel heard, That there's a part of you that wants to shut down or run away? Or does your mind automatically go to, Okay, We've hit this kind of speed bump, We're definitely headed towards a breakup? Best intentioned, You know, Therapy exercises or the books we might read and we kind of bring that into our relationship, It typically focuses on the issues going on right now. Intimacy, Communication that needs an upgrade, And then, Of course, How conflict does get handled in the relationship. And these are really real and painful aspects of being in relationship. But I just want to point out that they're not the root of what's happening. Let's think about them like symptoms. And when we treat symptoms without understanding the source of the matter, Well, We're gonna get temporary relief, You know, At best. And so, We want to be able to constantly or continuously go back down. What is the root cause? And so I want you to give some thought. Have you noticed a pattern in your relationship that just keeps showing up? No matter how many times you've tried to address it. And so I want you to take a pause for a moment. And maybe you just close your eyes and reflect on that. Or you make a note. And do your best to make it about you, Right? Instead of you never listen to me, I feel unheard in our relationship. As much as you can using those I statements. I don't feel prioritized instead of you are always at work or you're always out on the golf course. Well, What I've noticed is a lot of the times we might be trying to fix what's going on just by cleaning the screen. And this is the whole concept of like better communication skills, You know, That's cleaning the screen. But if we start to recognize we might have an issue in the operating system. And that no amount of cleaning the screen is gonna fix that. And so the operating system is what I call your family imprint. And in all the years I've worked with couples, You know, It's well over 80% of these recurring conflicts that are rooted in this family of origin pattern, How each of you learned how to navigate conflict, What love feels like, Who we're supposed to be inside of relationship, And even things like the child felt very put down by, Oh, You didn't load the dishwasher right, You know, Highly criticized, Let's say. And now you might just have natural, Honest feedback, But your partner hears it as a critical shutdown, And now you're back in that argument. And so this piece where, Well, I've asked you like, You know, 88 times, Please don't leave your socks on the floor. And here they are, And I'm picking them up again. And so this might be a simple, Hey, I really don't want socks on the floor. But the partner feels attacked, Criticized, And now they're in some sort of emotional spin. Where they're just shutting down. And so what we want to understand is the socks on the floor, Yes, They're annoying, But this is not really the issue. And we just want to drop in to how much more it is connected to what you both learned about love. And safety and even conflict before you were even old enough to evaluate it. And so let's explore a little bit more about what family imprints actually are. So it could be things like, We don't talk about things in this family. You know, Just put it under the rug and live with it. And I think we're all aware enough to know that rug can go all the way up to the ceiling stocked full of stuff we've pushed aside and we don't talk about that and we'll get to that later. And sometimes there can be so much stuff that hasn't been addressed or resolved that really looking at a small thing inside of the relationship feels now impossible. Some people come with the family imprint of, Don't be dramatic. Don't be so upset. Don't make a big thing out of this. And then it sort of silences what we feel we're allowed to say, Allowed in quotes, But what we feel is going to be welcomed when we might want to talk through all the difficulties that this issue brings up for fear that will be called dramatic. And so consider that you have these sort of silent rules and your partner also brings these invisible expectations and that's why sometimes within conflict or. Even as we're deepening into intimacy, There are certain emotions that are welcomed and understood. And others that might feel like they risk that connection. Because of the context and what they mean from that family imprint. And so the more you can know about your own family, I guess a lot of this, What I'm saying, We don't really think about. We don't really consider, Huh. What do you, I wonder what my family rules, The unspoken rules might have been. And I wonder what my partner has, What they're bringing in. And so I'll give you a question to just think about here. And just what comes up for you when you ask, Or when you reflect, Growing up, How was conflict handled in your home? Do you remember it being really loud and intense? Or could you cut the tension with a knife because everybody just went silent? And there's, I think the challenge with that, I've worked with so many couples where they're describing the same marriage. But you'd never guess it, The description of events that have happened. Are held so differently because sort of the rupture happens and then everybody goes to their own sides of the house it's not talked about or resolved and both sides are sort of making meaning around what's happened and who's to blame and what can't be resolved so that darn stuff just gets swept under the rug. And now we're coming back to each other with sort of a fractured connection. This is where trust sort of dissipates over time. That the strongest, Most secure relationships are actually built through rupture and repair. And so if you begin to look at however long you've been in your relationship, Is there a lot of repair? And how do you guys navigate that? What works? Or is it just kind of, Okay, Reset, Forget about that. I got things to do and we just move on. And so as you let yourself reflect, A lot of clues may start coming up. As we move through this workshop together. How to navigate conflict when we understand that you have your blueprint or family imprint and your partner has theirs. And what's actually happening in this intense moment of tension and conflict is the collision of two very different blueprints shaped by completely different childhoods by two people that are simply trying to get their needs met in the only way they've really ever known how to do that. And so if we think about, Kim withdrawing, And that's going to often feel like a rejection on the other side. But maybe that's just what his family did when things got really overwhelming. And then so her emotions get much bigger. She's trying to be heard. She's fearful of the disconnection. And so it might be perceived that her big emotions are just too much. But it might be the only way that she's ever learned. This is how I get heard. This is how I get my needs met. And so I think sometimes what couples therapy can get wrong is, First of all, It can turn into a complaints buffet. And he did this, And she did that. And it's almost feeling like pointing the finger as if these are some sort of personality problems. And then we've got all these labels, You know, He's an avoidant and she's anxious and he's emotionally unavailable. She's controlling. But in my experience, These really detract from moving towards a real heartfelt resolution that actually can change things. So it's not about labeling anybody or blaming anybody. It's just understanding, Hey, I'm pulling from my blueprint. And this is where my sort of dysregulation, Or where I'm freaking out, And that's where that's shown. And so the more we can understand our own blueprint and our partner's blueprint, The more compassion we can have. And I think it's a living practice to really commit to not taking it personal. I think a lot of the times if we're stuck in, Oh, It's personal. He is avoiding being in this work of repair because he's gone off and he's in shutdown and he just wants to blame me. Instead of going, Wow, How could it be any other way with what I know about how his mom would be highly critical or his dad would just hit him if he disagreed, That there's this perspective of why would this be any other way? Let me do the work. Of when he does X, What happens in here. What does it remind me of? Where is this familiar to me? And how do I start to do the repair on how much this hurts? Because it reminds me of when my mom would storm off and shut the door, And there was no more talking about that. I'm just not having the sleepover or not going on the school trip. I'm just not going to get what I need. And so with compassionate understanding, Of course that rises up in you. I'm not going to get what I need here. And then instead of being reactive, Instead of being furious, Your sort of commitment to yourself and to the relationship, Instead of getting furious, Get curious. So that when you can circle back, Whether it's later that day or the next day or the weekend, Where there's a bit more spaciousness and time for you to be able to, With calm, With clarity, Say hey! That whole explosion that happened on Tuesday. Here's what I was really trying to get across. Here's what I want you to know. And I just think life is too short to argue like this. I don't want us to get stuck in our past patterns. I don't want to replay how you fought in your family and how I fought in mine. What else can we do? To begin to shift out. How do we want our repair to feel, Or even what do we want when I'm trying to get something across and you're trying to get something different across. And so as I share this, Do you think of a pattern in your own relationship right now? Whether that's in yourself the way you might shut down. Or the way you might feel so hurt, I'm not going to get my needs met if we draw from that previous example. And so you sort of shut down. And you close your heart. To begin to get curious if that could actually be more of a family imprint. Than an issue inside of the relationship. And I just encourage you to continue to look at the reoccurring patterns that show up in your relationship like clues. Where are they coming from? To know that it can really bring up a lot. And that we want to understand, Huh, Let me just really unfold my blueprint. So that I can really start to see, Am I stuck? In the way it's always been. Because on some deep level, These patterns, They feel like home. And like love even when they're painful. We sort of gravitate to what we know. And all of these patterns can actually remain pretty, You know, Underground, Fairly invisible. Until maybe you can step outside of why does it always feel this way? To how can we do it differently. I think when we slow down enough to understand where each person is coming from. Before we even begin with trying to resolve the conflict or trying to apply a new communication technique you've learned. We want to be able to get that first thing to shift. So that we're not coming from a place of blame. That we want to own for ourselves. And this does take a lot of self-awareness and self-reflection. Am I coming to this conflict almost from the density of a lot of resentment that's built up? I'll often talk with my clients about another brick in the wall. The resentment brick and for some of us that wall gets so high we're sort of reaching to look over so we can even see them anymore. There are many couples that I've worked with that just sort of live on either side of this resentment wall. And you can imagine how those sort of conflicts go. Sometimes we're bringing up things that happened eight years ago. And this is why I can't, You know, Trust you or love you or be or take you seriously or all of those things. And so the hurt has just built up and actually crystallized. And so if we could begin to sort of walk it back. And maybe both partners could sort of open up to this sort of relationship blueprint idea. And to understand that they're not actually fighting each other. They're navigating how the collide of these two different blueprints shaped by all the hurts that we all have from our family of origin. And so instead of you did this to me. . . It becomes, Oh, Here's where our blueprints are clashing. Here's where we're really caught. Oh, It makes sense that you might hear me like that, Even though I'm feeling pretty clear. That's not the way that I said it, But let me back up and reflect. Because as we all know, We might say it as cleanly and clearly as we can, But that doesn't mean our partner will hear it that way. They're hearing it through that perspective of where they've been hurt before. And so if you want to reflect back, Maybe the most reoccurring conflict that you and your partner get into. That I gotta tell you that is filled with clues. When my client sort of reveals, Or if I work with couples and they share with me, Hey, This is the argument we just keep seeming to have, It helps me understand with such clarity what blueprints each of them are running. And to sort of sit back in a way of observing, Almost like you're a researcher, You know? That neither of you invented these patterns. That there's a resting place to realize you've both inherited them. And then what might begin to open up and change? When you hold it that way. So that when you understand some of maybe the reactivity, Or the continuation of withdrawal that seems to come up and happen, Or maybe one side of the partnership really needs reassurance in order to feel okay. We want to remember that often what goes on inside of our relationship is simply a replication of a deep, Stored pain, A body memory inside of us that has its roots often back in our childhood. Sometimes it's what a parent or a grandparent experienced, And that's a little bit more of the epigenetic work that I do, That we can live life like a parent, And our relationships and life experience, Even with our professional lives, Can end up feeling the same. And so what are we supposed to do with that if our marriage is reflecting back the deep pain of our childhood? The deep pain is really within us. And so to begin to lean towards that, Work towards that, How do I make myself feel loved and cared for? Maybe I'll take myself to that yoga class. Maybe I'll go to my favorite cafe with a good book. How can I be in good, Loving relationship with myself? And perhaps instead of waiting for time with my husband where I continue to feel slighted or last on the list, I go out with my girlfriends. I do things that are important for me. And then you get to decide from a place of stability and that you are healing this pattern within yourself and you're not responding from a hurt and reactive place towards your relationship. Or even think about it as a problem when we take it outside of that realm. So instead of, You know, We fight too much or I don't feel, I feel neglected. We want to understand. In my childhood, I felt I didn't receive enough love and attention. And so here it is again. Or if the reoccurring fighting brings a lot of raised voices and intensity. To, Again, Get that blueprint out. In my family, I learned that raising my voice means I'll finally be heard. And then your partner learned that raised voices maybe in their family was like, Oh, This is major risk. This is absolute danger. And so those are two very different blueprints that then need a different solution to be able to find peace. And so whenever I work with couples, And I've heard this is very different than sort of like regular couples therapy, I don't want to talk about your last fight. My first series of questions is all about your family history. And the questions I ask are simple. Maybe, How old were you when your parents divorced? What's your birth order? A lot of family facts, Actually. But they tend to open up. Everything. A few questions to reflect on. I think that in that reflection. A lot of insights can come up. What did you learn about love? In your family. And so not the definition of love. But how love felt. Was it warm and freely given? Was it more earned through what was expected of you? Did love feel unpredictable? So just allowing yourself a few moments to breathe. To explore, To reflect. What did you learn about love in your family? How Love Felt. How it might have been freely given. Or maybe it felt locked away and you could only access it through performance. Whether academic or athletic or what you would do for a parent. Was it earned through what was expected of you? Were you in a family where you were never sure what you were walking into, What you were coming home to? Was love unpredictable? Because that right there is shining so much light on your blueprint about what you draw from in what you think you need to do. To be loved. Or what love is supposed to feel like. How did your parents handle conflict with each other? What did you observe in their moments of tension? And to think back, You know, We're two, Three, Four, It's not like we are consciously putting this in some sort of order. But what did you unconsciously decide? That that meant about conflict with whatever it was that you observed. And how much of that informs how honest you're willing to be in conflict or the words that you might be swallowing because you don't want to rock the boat. To reflect on what kind of role you might have played in your family. Were you the helper or the high achiever? Were you the one that kept things calm? Were you the one that disappeared at the slightest hint of tension? To know that that role we feel, Again, Unconsciously, That we need to be. In order to belong, In order to be loved, In order to hold our place. And how much of that is probably foundational. Into how you're showing up now. What might be at the root of your overwhelm. Of who you feel or think you need to be. In order to have your place in your family, In your marriage, In your friendships. And the last reflection question I have for you is to think about the parent you identify with most. Now, What was their relationship with emotions? Were they able to express themselves openly? Or did they more kind of hold it in and show up stoically? Did you notice that they would be impacted by something and then it would spill over onto everyone? So just allow yourself to slow down and reflect. I think in the culture we live in now, Everything is so fast paced. And we're more ready to sort of point the finger at the other. And reflect upon how did I get to be the way I am with my needs and my preferences and the way I'm even perceiving how this argument is unfolding, How this relationship feels to live in. And so here's what I found really works after 20 years of sitting across individuals and couples living in the pain and disappointment and challenges of their loving relationships where they really just wanted to feel at home, To feel loved, To feel understood. The first thing that really works and really shifts is to understand the family imprints that you're both carrying. And so when I sit down with clients, I create a three generation geneogram. It's like filling out a family tree, But instead of just sort of labeling the tree like, Oh, That's Uncle Bill and that's Grandma Mary, Understanding more, Where did the love stop flowing? Who got divorced and why, If we have that context? Who might have died early? Was there an accident, An illness? Coming to understand how these imprints are really showing up in your body, In your relationship, In your thoughts today. So understanding the patterns that come from both sides of your histories. And then we can move into how they collide and what to do about it. I think that's like the final step, Which is where many couples therapy starts. But it's the final step in the way that I work is then we can start to layer in some new skills around when I'm feeling so closed and triggered. What's a skill or a tool about self-regulation to be able to express myself calmly, To be able to express myself in a way that I can be heard so that now sort of We could say the tools or the skills that are being taught are personalized exactly to you. With where you get shut down or where you go into reactivity and blame and what to do in that moment. And so I think if I could sort of wish for a change, That's where couples therapy kind of goes off because it goes often straight to that last step. And it's not because therapists don't care, Not at all. I have many colleagues and friends who are also therapists in different models. It's just what they were taught. I just don't think that we're taught to think systemically. That, Wow, I'm half my mom and I'm half my dad, And this is chromosomally, Biologically, This is known inside of my body. And this is, Of course, Where I'm reflecting or reacting from. So if we're not able to sort of bring in that information, We're kind of trying to rebuild on sand. And you feel that instability when you notice that off. That's why I think things get better for a little while and then they collapse again. They go back in to that, Um, Old patterned way. I want to assure you that your relationship issues are probably not what you think they are. And so what if that thing you keep fighting about isn't actually the thing? It's not about the chores or feeling heard or the amount of closeness. I mean, All those things, They really do matter. But what's underneath all of it? And oftentimes, It's the reality of two people who grew up in these very different worlds. Trying to build something safe together with the tools that they were handed as kids, The experiences that were there inside of your childhood. And let's face it, Our parents didn't come from our world where we've got insight timer and psychology today on every waiting room table, Where therapy became much more or much less stigmatized. And so they were really in a different time and a different place. I often want to give up and realize I'd be giving up on myself. This giving up on love or relationship is truly giving up on ourselves. If your parents wounded you or had a short temper with you or modeled conflict in a terrible way, Well, That came from their own pain. And all that they learned in their own childhood. And so going back to sort of fight it out with them is going to feel very heartbreaking. And so the change is in me. I'm understanding more context of why I feel the way I do, What's kind of running beneath the surface for me. And I'm done recycling the same old issues. Life is too short for that. So this is much more about the invisible. Blueprints that have been running in the background. So that now something outside of that patterned way of relating. Becomes possible.