When we think about a red flag,
It might sound something like you're watching if they're not able to be consistent or if they're not really that honest.
You're watching for love bombing.
We're all been well-warned about the narcissist.
But typically from a dating perspective.
Once you've noticed that behavior,
You're already,
You know,
Months in and typically already attached.
And so what I want to focus on with our time together is looking somewhere earlier.
Beginning to notice are there things I can look for when I'm dating someone new when a dear friend might be talking about you know someone she's excited about and maybe you can,
You know,
Get her to look in this direction too.
And so when we are dating,
Or even if we're in a long term relationship,
Some of these things we can notice And I want to point you to look in the direction of his family.
And then,
Of course,
How these patterns end up interacting with your family imprint.
And so I'm the founder of the Family Imprint Institute.
And what I mean by that term is all of the emotional shaping that we've inherited from our family.
But also,
If we look at epigenetics,
We are born very much imprinted in the DNA,
Things that are unresolved from our family of origin.
Let's say experiences,
Traumas,
Perspectives,
Unresolved stuff.
From our mom and our dad and even our grandparents and so this is running the show for all of us and certainly an influence of whoever we might be interacting with in love relationships in in sincere and close friendships And this can even crop up with the people that we're working with.
And so I hope to give you some great insights into,
You know,
Not go down that rabbit hole of taking it personally and really finding a way to understand the deeper dynamic at play and what's going on.
So what we want to start to look at,
Let's use the examples inside the realm of love relationships.
The way that our partner learned to love,
And also the way they learned to protect their heart.
Was set in motion.
Long before you two ever met.
And so every person you date is carrying like a.
.
.
Early template for this kind of connection.
And you typically can't see that in the first few conversations.
But typically,
We first feel it.
And I think it's best said if you know what you're looking for.
And so much of what I want to share with you in today's workshop comes from the philosophy of the family constellation approach.
That's what I've been working with in my practice for the last 20 years.
And it creates such a perspective,
A lens to see our relationships through,
Well,
Our life through really,
But my specialty has been on relationships all these years.
And for me,
I found this coming out of a a really painful divorce and it was one of those things that just sort of dropped everything into oh wow i get it that makes so much sense and it was the thing that propelled my healing forward more than anything else i tried And so I've become so passionate about sharing it.
And so if we return that.
To the red flags.
We're not talking about warning signs to avoid.
We are talking about hints that childhood leaves behind.
As to whether this person is available to meet you in relationship.
Or if this person is still loyal to a family role.
You know,
Who keeps living inside of that role.
And I guess it's with you because that's typically where it comes out.
And it's whether or not either of you realize it.
And so we're going to shine light on some of these.
Dynamics that you might feel really surprised,
Wow,
That's what it's connected to.
And so here,
Let's break it down for some practical examples,
Because I want you to be able to sort of find yourself in them so that you can go,
Oh,
Maybe there is more going on here than I thought.
So what it looks like in real time.
Is if he grew up being his mom's emotional partner.
Whether his dad was absent or checked out or maybe struggling with addiction or even just working all the time.
This man may not know how to receive love without also managing emotions.
And so if he grew up watching his parents' marriage fall apart but never really processed it,
He may associate conflict with danger without ever consciously deciding that.
That's so important to say.
It's not conscious.
This is running things from behind the scenes.
This is often why our triggers can feel like,
Wow,
How did I go from my normal state of being to so resentful so angry or so sad in,
You know,
The drop of a hat.
It's often because it lives in our body,
In that unconscious part,
And so much of protecting our heart from not being hurt again comes forward.
And so what's interesting is that none of this shows up as if it's a first date red flag,
It shows up over time,
And typically first as a feeling.
And so that's what I want to get you guys in touch with that subtle sense that something is being asked of you.
But it has nothing to do with you.
And so if we go back to that example where the man is overly connected with his mom,
That he had to sort of take care of her emotional well-being.
That's going to spill over into your loving dynamic with him.
And so you're thinking,
Why is this happening?
That's not what I'm asking for.
That's not anything I've ever experienced inside of a relationship.
The other end of that spectrum could be,
Why does he always get,
Or he or she,
I'm just using my own opposite gender here,
But just go,
You know,
They'll just roll with that.
That the partner might have a distance you can't explain.
Why does it feel like even the hint of a disagreement,
He's sort of just disappeared?
We're just going to have a dialogue around why we think of something differently.
But I can't reach him,
He's just gone.
And so that has its roots somewhere.
So let's look at something I affectionately call the mama's boy.
And why it can be very difficult to have a long-term relationship with someone who hasn't yet left his mom.
Let's explore that concept of if he is close to his mom,
And maybe it's unusually close.
So he calls her often,
Maybe even defers to her opinion,
Seeks her approval on decisions that should belong to the two of you.
At first,
This can look like a good sign in the beginning.
You know,
Wow,
Here's a man who loves his mom.
He's close with his family.
He's really capable of that closeness.
But if we look underneath that closeness,
There's sometimes a different story.
And so in family work,
We often see this pattern when a mom didn't have like a fully resourced relationship with her own mom.
And I think it's also it's important for me to add that sometimes this dynamic shows up because mom couldn't rely on dad.
And that's whether they stayed together or they separated.
So I've seen this when mom and dad stayed married,
But dad was,
I don't know,
Always at the golf course,
Always at work,
Having an affair,
Stuck with dependency on alcohol or drugs.
And so the mom would sort of tilt over her love,
Attention,
Affection to the children.
And typically it's one.
Typically it's one child that has that balance with mom or that dynamic and it can really It really dwarfs the child's development.
And so with men,
Especially,
If they have a mom that's too close,
It's like a wet blanket on his developing sense of self,
On his ability to say,
Yes,
This is the direction that I want to go.
This is what feels right for me.
Instead,
He sort of stuck deferring to mom.
What would she think?
What would she feel?
And that becomes the primary decision maker.
Let me explain epigenetics a little bit more clearly.
So let's imagine,
Like I start with all of my clients with its three generation geneogram.
So let's just close our eyes and imagine at the top of a page,
We're going to have the grandparents.
So we've got grandma,
Grandpa on mom's side,
Grandma,
Grandpa on dad's side.
And then we've got you,
Their child.
So it's this sort of like.
.
.
Four people on the top,
Mom and dad in the middle,
And you at the bottom.
You're sort of coming down into this family tree.
And why I'm building out the three-generation geneagram is I'm trying to understand what's been unresolved.
Who went to war?
Did anybody get institutionalized due to mental illness?
Did anyone die young,
An accident,
An illness?
So that what's unresolved in this family tree,
And how is it impacting the person that is my client sitting across from me?
If my client is telling me,
You know,
We'll use the mama's boy example.
Gosh,
I just feel like I will use Carly's language.
I'm like number two or three in his life.
If it's not what his mom needs,
It's what his work needs.
And I feel like I'm last in line.
And so I would be looking through that family tree to look at how is this familiar.
How is this a known,
Lived experience,
Either between mom and dad,
That that's what the dynamic that played out,
Or perhaps it's something that's carried over from grandma and grandpa's life experience.
So yes,
The traumas of our parents impact our lives greatly.
They are a huge shaping factor.
And I just don't think we're taught to think systemically.
And I think that's my challenge,
To be honest with you,
With traditional therapy,
Even mainstream medicine.
We're looking at just the individual instead of the individual inside of their larger context.
And so I'll often explain it like we're each one square on a quilt,
But we're not going to get a long term solution to what we might be struggling with unless we include the whole quilt.
And so we've got mom's square and dad's square.
We've got the grandparents squares.
And then of course,
Families also have aunts,
Uncles,
Siblings,
Cousins.
And so before you know it,
We've got this full fledged quilt.
Influencing so much of what we might be repeating,
What we might be struggling with,
And what might be the clue as to why a person can't let go of an addictive pattern,
Of sort of often falling for romantic partners that are untrustworthy,
Or why do I always fall for the addict,
Or why do I show up as the one who overfunctions?
Or I can't tend to count on my partners.
If we've got this pattern,
We want to understand where does it come from?
Because life is too short to continue to date the same person or continue to have the same arguments inside of our relationships.
We really want to take a look at what is that about?
Why is that happening?
And what can I do differently?
So let's go back to understanding more of the mama's boy.
So,
Because mom didn't get enough from either her mom or dad,
Who's kind of above her,
Or in the dynamic with dad,
Without that sort of emotional connection filled,
She's going to unconsciously lean on her son or daughter to fill it instead.
And what I've noticed over my years of working in family systems is it's typically one child.
So even if there's,
Let's say,
Six kids or three kids,
It seems to be one that the dynamic is a little bit more.
Heavy or there's a lot more expectation that mom puts on the one child for some reason.
And so the whole dynamic,
Though,
Is that the son,
In this case,
Because we're talking mama's boy,
But of course this is interchangeable with daughter.
Becomes mom's emotional partner.
And,
You know,
A lot of the times too,
I see this really commonly,
That if dad died early,
Son or daughter can come in to kind of fill that gap as mom's emotional partner.
And then becomes more like a friend?
More like,
Here,
I'll listen to your challenges.
Here,
Mom,
You should try this,
Or you should do that.
And becomes more of that parental energy.
And it kind of looks like it's like a stand-in for the marriage that's not giving mom what she needs.
And so this can really change the development of any young child.
And so for the mama's boy who absorbs this early,
It's almost like what gets braided together is this idea that love means it's my job to be there for her.
To read her moods,
To make sure she's OK,
To.
It's almost held like an emotional weight that I need to tend to the woman in my life,
Her emotional state.
He's been doing it as long as he can remember.
And it just sort of becomes a part of what it means to love well.
And so here's the part that matters for you.
A man who never separated from this role often can't arrive fully in a new relationship because part of him is still back there with mom.
Within the Family Constellation's body of work,
There's over 70 different orders of love,
How love flows in family and in our intimate relationships.
And one of the main orders of love is that we must leave our family of origin emotionally before we can step into our marriage.
And for many of us,
That means having other children with our partner.
So we create our own family.
Otherwise,
We get locked in to different loyalties.
And now it feels like this really weird competition,
I guess,
Between mom and wife.
And often,
The husband gets smaller and smaller and smaller,
Meaning his needs,
His direction,
His ability to take his place as partner.
And that often leads to resentment and anger,
And things tend to get very,
Very heightened.
It's like you're competing with someone that's supposed to be a resource,
That's supposed to be just somebody else in the family that can add to love and support.
Can get very confusing very fast.
You might notice,
Oh gosh,
He defaults to checking with his mom first.
Even if it's in his own mind,
Like he's thinking,
Oh,
What would mom think about this as a background influence to a decision?
That she really belonged to him at this point in his maturity.
So this is about a son who never got to fully step into his own life,
His own gut instinct,
Like his own inner yes or no.
And so I think it's so important to kind of move out a little bit to not feel like it's just that I'm not important to him because I'm last on his list.
It's almost like he's still entangled with this unresolved role at home that he can't even access his own sense of this is too much or I need to make decisions on my own.
It was trained in so early as the default to go to mom first He's really having a hard time finding his own.
Sense of what's right,
What's wrong,
His own order.
To know what's important to my partner needs to come first.
And we move in another direction.
And oftentimes,
If this is what you're living,
It's up to your partner to do this deep healing work.
For you,
It's up to understand that it's not as simple as I'm not a priority.
It's not as simple as taking it personally.
There is something so much larger at play.
And so let's look at a pattern that looks like it's on the actual opposite end of the spectrum,
But it often tends to come from a very sort of like unfinished place.
This is the person that has little or nothing to do with their mom.
Maybe in the dating phase,
It's sort of shared early and maybe even proudly.
Yeah,
I'm not close with my mom.
Maybe he talks about cutting her off years ago and he's never looked back.
And of course,
He might share with you all of the real reasons.
And you might think,
Oh,
Gosh,
I'm so glad they're not in contact.
What a whirlwind.
What a mess.
And so you're wondering maybe this distance is healthy and good.
And so sometimes the person might think,
OK,
I'm finally free from that dynamic.
But I can tell you if it's turned away like a rejection or an exclusion.
It's more like the wound is what's still running the show.
So in my body of work,
We talk about what we reject,
We embody what I might reject in my mom,
Because let's use an example that oh,
Geez,
She's so critical.
Well,
It I tend to be in relationship or be in friendship with very critical people.
Or maybe I'm out for a coffee with a dear friend,
And I'm complaining,
Gosh,
My mom's so critical.
And she called,
And all she had was criticisms.
And the person thinks,
Well,
Joanna's the most critical friend I have.
I mean,
Doesn't she see how critical she is?
It becomes like our own blind spot.
So what's unresolved with our mom,
Mom or dad,
Actually,
We end up bringing in to our relationship.
That's where we play it out again.
And so I see this just over and over again in the clients that I work with.
If we reject that parent,
We end up carrying it anyway.
It just sort of shows up in a different form.
And I like to think that maybe it's the world's way or the universe's way of saying like,
Here you go.
How do you want to deal with it this time?
That a cornerstone of family constellation work is that the family soul does not allow for an exclusion.
And so if I exclude my mom.
What I judge most in her,
What I'm hurt most about her comes back again in the form of a partner,
In the form of a boss,
In the form of a dear friend that I don't recognize these dynamics at first because the spark feels so good.
It feels so familiar.
There's something that really is magnetizing and attracting.
And then we meet it.
And so the solution I've discovered is really never directly inside the relationship.
It's not just the dyad between the partners.
We want to look at what are these deeper dynamics at play that we are now just replicating,
That we are now just playing out.
That until we have the larger context,
It's like,
Ugh,
We just keep repeating this.
And I just keep feeling triggered and hurt.
And I've made up a story that you are this and that.
But if we start to bring that three-generational geniogram,
Which,
By the way,
Is something you could all build for yourself.
Start to ask those questions,
You know,
If your parents are still alive.
Tell me about what it was like growing up with your mom.
Notice I'm not asking you to write about your grandma.
Because typically,
Our grandparents soften over time.
Your mom would likely describe her very differently.
And that's sort of the goal that we're looking for.
Mom,
Did you feel loved and heard by grandma?
Or was grandma sort of cranky and smoking in the chair and,
And kind of wasn't available much after school or was really quick to anger?
What can you tell me about grandma that gives me a little bit of clues?
As to why you parented in the way that you do.
And so.
.
.
A child who pushes a parent away.
Is still deeply connected to that parent.
Just through distance and sort of,
I like to explain it like they're still in a fight for what they didn't get enough of.
And so it replicates in that way.
So the bond doesn't disappear.
The parent-child bond is there.
Quite sacred actually and its influences go far further than I think any of us ever anticipated.
It's almost like the bond goes underground.
And that fight for what I didn't get enough of,
I'm still in hurt.
I'm still in resentment.
I'm still in story about it,
Which makes it ripe to be played out inside of my relationship.
And so here's what that can look like if you're in relationship with somebody who has rejected their mom or is keeping them at an arm's length for whatever the good reason is.
It's not about the reason.
I think what has opened my eyes most working with family dynamics for 20 years is that the greatest hurts that happen in our lives often happen within our own family.
And so there are many justifiable reasons to sort of step away from that relationship.
But if we don't heal how we're carrying it,
We are destined to relive it.
And so it shows up like the partner might seem really emotionally guarded in a way that feels unreachable to you.
It's like,
Well,
They're just shut off.
I guess we're not going to talk about this until they're ready.
Which if you are sort of more anxiously attached,
Can feel terrible.
What do you mean until they're ready?
Is that in an hour,
A week,
A month?
And when they feel like they completely shut down,
That you're sort of left reeling.
Well,
What about our connection?
And so that withdraw the moment that you either get close or even a little hint of conflict.
Is because closeness itself has been associated with risk or danger or the distance that he maintains with his mom.
So again,
What is unresolved over here is going to find its way to play out here.
So often,
Neither of you know this is happening.
You're just sort of absorbing the frustration or trying to figure out how to close the distance.
And we're not thinking,
Oh,
It's because he never resolved this with his mom.
Because he's expecting maybe I'm gonna show up in the way his mom hurt him.
And so one of the things I've seen in the 20 years I've been working with clients is that rejecting a parent rarely creates the freedom people hope for.
It's like,
OK,
There,
Done with that.
It just comes from being able to really,
Really look at what happened and really sort of hold it with,
I understand.
You know,
Gosh,
No wonder mom was critical.
When I look at grandma and grandpa,
When I look at,
You know,
When they had to immigrate after the war,
Or when grandpa got injured,
Or when grandma,
You know,
Had to go and deal with her alcoholism and rehab.
No wonder mom is shut down in the way that she is.
Let me understand the context so I can step out of taking it just as personal.
I can let go of the fight of what I didn't get enough of.
I really do want to accept her as she is,
The way she is,
The way she's probably always going to be.
We drop this concept that mom is ever going to be any other way than she is.
And so we've got this honest acknowledgment of what happened with the context of.
How could it have been any other way?
So that you at least step into the possibility.
Of letting go of this It's like an unconscious battle you've been fighting.
And many of us for years and sometimes decades.
And so as you look at your own relationship,
What's unresolved with your mom and their mom,
Because mom is our first imprint of love,
Finds its way to play itself out.
Inside of the relationship.
And so that's a big part of the work that I do with my clients is finding out what hurts what.
Unresolved needs?
What am I carrying over?
And it's really interesting.
There's this beautiful documentary called In Utero.
And it talks about how everything we're talking about today starts in utero.
You know,
Our mom,
Where we literally built our bodies within,
We've got this deep,
Symbiotic relationship with her.
And so what she was feeling,
Did she feel supported by dad?
Did she feel like she was all on her own?
We are absorbing all of it.
Really,
Our first relationship with dad is through her.
Does he feel like a good guy or am I kind of on mom's team against dad because he's not giving her what she needs?
And of course,
That has its own context.
What what's going on with mom and dad belongs with them.
And but we're absorbing it in those first nine months.
And so it really is imprinted into our very being before we've even taken our first breath.
And then we've got our first five years of life.
It's the time when our brain is building different neural pathways.
What gets trimmed,
What gets reinforced is all based on mom's connection with us,
How she responds to our needs.
And so this is the baseline.
This is the blueprint of why we need what we do in our loving connections,
Why certain things are triggers,
Why we have the attachment style that we do.
And so that's why it's so essential to really go back with.
What feels like I've got some work to do around something I might feel resentful or still hurt about in my relationship with my mom?
And how much of that is coloring my relationship?
And so,
Like,
We all have our stuff.
And we all bring that into our loving connections.
And I think that when we become more aware of these invisible dynamics,
We can get so much clarity that frees us.
From feeling like,
Well,
This is how this relationship is always going to be.
It gives you options for where you can lighten what you've been carrying so that it doesn't create issues in today's relationship.
There's a quote that I pulled for today's class that says,
When you will not look at yourself.
When you will not look at what you've brought into the relationship.
You end up handing it to the person who loves you.
And they end up carrying it whether they agree to it or not.
You know,
I have a wise friend who's a therapist and she said something like,
Why should anyone be held hostage by their partner's unresolved relation or childhood hurts?
Why should anyone be held hostage by their partner's unhealed childhood hurts?
And so sometimes clients will say to me,
Oh,
My partner is never going to come to this.
So it's OK that you start,
That you begin to connect the dots as you sort of put down your side of the tug of war rope.
The dynamic of your relationship changes as you understand.
Oh,
That's why they react the way that they do.
We don't take the hook of taking it personally.
We don't engage in that same argument.
We can step back.
And maybe you're the person that's doing your own work.
But it still changes the old rules that,
You know,
She says this,
I respond to that.
And the truth is,
All of us are carrying something from our family.
Into our closest relationships.
That includes our friendships.
That includes our working relationships.
And so I think sometimes when we hear this,
We can be like,
Oh,
Yeah,
My partner this and my partner that.
But of course,
You have an imprint too.
And so it's never about finding someone who has the perfect mom or the perfect family history.
I don't think anybody has that.
We've all got a certain something that we're carrying.
I think it's really about being ready to look honestly at your own story about what you might be replicating.
And finding a partner who might be open to doing the same,
So that life can be lived and enjoyed with lightness instead of two people just unconsciously repeating old patterns.
And calling it love.
And so if you're currently dating somebody and it's kind of on the newer side,
I'd love for you to get curious about,
You know,
Tell me a bit about your family.
Tell me a bit about what goes on.
This is going to give you so much information about whether a third or fourth date is a good idea.
Maybe you're thinking about a past relationship.
I mean,
For me,
When I could really understand,
Oh my gosh,
My ex-husband is so entangled with his mom.
You know,
I have this memory that she would show up after arguments,
Like he'd go right to her after we'd have an argument and she would show up all blustered and angry and defensive about him.
And he's not this.
And how could you say that?
She would be like saying the things that he couldn't.
And this ability to think,
Wow,
Why did that go on?
I'd never been in an experience like that.
And so as you think about any past relationship,
Maybe write down a moment.
Yeah,
I guess whether you're dating someone new or if you're reflecting on a past relationship.
Where did you notice this kind of pull,
That magnetism,
Either towards managing his feelings,
Making things better for him,
Or where you might go into a chase if he would set up a sudden distance?
Just begin to notice what the pattern might resemble,
What it might be connected to.
And so Carly shares,
I'm mostly past the resentment phase concerning my mom,
But not completely.
Feels more like disappointment with how she treated me past and present.
I'm working towards getting to a place of neutrality.
It's taking time though.
And I'd have to say,
Carly,
I use the word neutrality a lot with my clients.
I wrote a book called The Myth of Forgiveness.
It's much more powerful than I forgive to come into this place of I understand.
And so when Carly's talking about neutrality,
If I can get to a place of,
Wow,
Mom,
I understand that the things that you did,
The ways that you showed up,
I found so disappointing and so hurtful.
How could it be any other way?
When I look at how you were raised,
When I look at some of the things that showed up inside of your childhood.
And so I think a big part of what Carly brings forward for all of us to look at.
Is to actually feel the disappointment.
To track where it is in your body.
So that the body has the capacity to metabolize that stored pain.
To be with.
That really was disappointing.
Any little girl would have wanted more closeness,
More connection,
To be treated well from her mom.
And then how we take that sort of like healing with us is that we commit to giving to ourselves what we had always wished might have come from mom or dad.
And so in this case,
Carly's speaking about her mom.
So maybe this feeling that,
I wish mom would have treated me well.
Well,
Can you take yourself to your favorite cafe?
To a yoga class you really love.
Can you put on the headphones and give yourself a beautiful time for meditation?
Can you make yourself nourishing meals?
And I think where we then take this to the next step is,
Mom,
I do this in honor of you.
I am giving to myself what I'd always wished could have come from you.
But this is how we'll stay close in my heart.
So I am grateful for this gift of life.
And if that's what you could give me,
It's enough.
I'm going to let go of the fight that it should have been any different,
That it should have been any more.
And I really agree to this gift of life.
And so I think mothering ourselves is step number one.
Step number two is saying,
Mom,
I do this in honor of you.
Thank you for this gift of life.
I will continue to do good things with it.
And that by me going to this yoga class,
By me taking this walk in nature,
By me going to the movies because I love this movie.
I want to see it on the big screen.
However,
You're giving these little moments to yourself.
That's how we'll stay close,
Mom.
That's how I'm going to honor this gift of life,
That I will do what you couldn't.
Notice that this takes it a little further into giving your mom a place in your heart so that we don't replicate the hurt.
We don't continue to have partners who disappoint us.
So coming to neutrality with our parent is what protects the experiences that repeat.
So yes,
It's about opening our heart to our parent,
But it's also about protecting our own life force.
And so sometimes with the mama's boy,
It's so sad because it's like,
Oh,
My gosh,
You're in your 60s or your 70s.
You haven't come across this yet,
That there's still this feeling of you are competition to her time with her son,
To her affection with her son.
Instead of I'm so happy my son is found a beautiful person to be in relationship with.
And so,
What is familiar about feeling controlled,
What is familiar about you not standing up for me,
You not protecting me,
And that's what we work with.
That it influences,
Well,
The healing for ourselves,
But it influences our children,
It can influence our grandchildren,
And it can certainly influence the generations behind us.
Our emotional maturity also comes in spades when we start to recognize,
Oh my gosh,
This is what's been running me from behind.
I felt dad was always at work,
So I've been in relationship with workaholics,
Or men that just want to golf all the time,
Or somewhere that I'm not prioritized.
What's familiar about that for me?
And when we can kind of decode that,
It becomes so clear the repetitive arguments that might continue to crop up again inside of our relationships.
