4. Why You Feel Intense Jealousy (Childhood Trauma Explained)

Okay,

Welcome.

Today we're doing chapter 3.

But before I get started,

I just want to know if you guys have any questions or insights or anything you want to say about Chapter 2.

Sometimes It hits you later on.

And sometimes you forget about it altogether.

But I just want to leave space if anybody wants to.

Say anything about what we discussed last week.

That chapter was about meeting Babaji.

We talked about it somewhat,

But.

If anybody has anything for that.

There's a section in the book if anybody has the book.

The hard copy called Insights where you can write your insights.

At the end of the chapter?

So that's a nice thing to do.

My lesson learned was every criticism is not an attack.

It may be an opportunity to learn and grow.

That was from Lest.

Last week.

Anybody want to share anything about that before you go to Chapter 3?

Can somebody give Jay the mic?

Thank you.

Yes,

This is also my experience,

Especially in the management.

Being criticized indeed many times is an opportunity for.

.

.

An opportunity for improving ourselves,

Whatever we are doing.

So when we look back,

At that time,

Of course,

It's not nice.

It doesn't feel good.

When you look back,

Then you think,

Oh yeah,

Because of this person,

Now I have improved in this and this and that.

Yeah.

It's sad.

You've had that experience too.

Yeah.

It's nice to look back and realize it because then it gets easier,

I think,

To take it now for the next criticism.

It's like,

Oh yeah,

But that,

You know,

Once we get a new samskara made,

Realizing that criticism is not so bad that it actually can help us,

You know,

If we take it that way.

Yeah.

That's a really good one.

Thank you.

Anyone else?

Laundry?

Yeah,

The insight I have is that Vihankara is so strong.

Actually because Through reading your stories then I was thinking,

Oh yeah,

Maybe this was not an attack and this was a good advice for me to grow.

And then when I think about it,

Or when I can feel deep inside,

You feel,

Yeah,

What the person is telling me.

There's something true in it,

And I should go this direction.

But the Ankara is so strong.

And that.

Ooh,

To go for it?

And to say,

Yes,

That's true.

I should.

And change,

Actually.

Because that's how the real change can happen.

That is,

I mean,

There's a lot of resistance.

Very much.

It's a good point.

It's very,

Very hard to hear someone else's,

Even if they're saying something nice.

Something very subtle,

Like a small thing that you might want to change.

You can feel inside clenching up,

Right?

It's like even if you're trying to manage your ahankara.

You know,

It still does its own thing.

I mean,

You may not verbally say anything,

But inside you can feel that resistance.

And then when someone says something nice,

Like,

Oh,

Wow,

You did such a nice job with X,

Y,

Or Z,

It's like,

Oh.

You can feel your body opening.

Tell me more.

Oh no,

I have time for this,

You know?

But yeah.

So I don't know,

Do you have.

Maybe an advice how to deal with this arancara once we kind of see.

The resistance,

You know,

And it's really empty.

Yeah,

What can we do if there's something inside we feel,

Oh,

But,

So,

You know.

We need some sound effects.

Yeah,

It's true.

I mean,

That's what is happening for me.

Yeah,

It's true.

I would say that it's great if you're aware of it because most people aren't at all,

You know,

So even just being aware that you don't like that,

You know,

And then acknowledging it to yourself and being like,

Yeah,

It sucks.

You just work so hard and you can't believe after everything you did,

The person has that one negative thing to say,

Like validate it first and say,

And also be like,

This is the nature of your ahamkara.

It's going to get triggered.

You know,

And now I see it's getting triggered,

Just like acknowledging if you have to go to the bathroom.

Okay,

You had a big pizza dinner and now your stomach is full and you probably have to go to the bathroom.

You know,

Just acknowledge it like without shame.

Without repressing it,

Without shame,

Without pretending like it's not there,

Without telling yourself you're bad.

Just being,

Oh yeah,

That's what it does.

It doesn't like negative feedback.

Acknowledge it and then.

Maybe acknowledge the feelings around it,

Because they're usually very strong.

Maybe write them down,

Journal about them,

And say,

Of course you're feeling that.

So first,

You kind of have to meet your ahankara where it's at.

Because what we tend to do is we don't either realize it at all or we get mad at ourselves about it.

We criticize ourselves.

We feel shameful about it.

And if that's too much,

Then we do the normal thing,

Which is get mad at the other person.

So I would say the awareness is really awesome if you can be aware of it.

And then what to do with that is then acknowledge it.

The hard part is you've got to stop yourself after you acknowledge it.

You can't act on it.

So just acknowledge and say,

Maybe that wasn't really fair of that person to do that.

And then you can ask yourself,

What would you have liked to have heard?

And then tell yourself that thing.

Like you did a really good job.

Just because they don't see it,

Why do they have the remote control for your feelings?

Why does it matter so much what that person thinks?

You know you did a good job.

So kind of talk yourself.

.

.

Tell yourself the things you need to hear to feel better.

And when you cool down and you calm down,

Which might be the next day,

Then be like,

All right,

Let's say,

Was there a grain of truth in that?

What part of it can I digest?

What part of it could I actually.

.

.

Do something with to improve myself,

Maybe.

What do you think?

Yes,

Thank you.

I think that to acknowledge,

I mean,

What really is important for me is to say that I can acknowledge without feeling bad.

You know,

Because that seems to me wonderful to say,

I have the right to feel like this.

That's normal.

That's an Ankara.

Everyone has it.

So what's going on is okay.

Yes,

Yes,

Yes.

Very good.

It's the same thing as like,

Body odor.

I mean,

Who doesn't have body odor?

So it's like,

Oh,

I'm smelling kind of bad right now,

And not feeling ashamed about it,

But just being like,

Oh,

It's hot,

And I was sweating.

Whatever.

So it's just like a body odor,

For example.

And a lot of cultures,

Body odor is not okay,

Right?

You have to wear deodorant and perfume and cover everything up.

But I think of it as naturally something like that.

Just natural.

That's what the Ahamkara does.

Okay,

Anything else?

Yes?

No?

Good.

I have a question related to chapter 2,

Page 40,

The penultimate paragraph.

I laughed at the absurdity of the situation.

Me,

A psychotherapist whose expertise was in knowing the mind,

Yet it turns out I didn't really know much about it at all.

I see a parallel between this episode and your encounter with Amma when you brought the book to her because you did so much.

And then also you came in front of Babaji and you had already so much experience and you graduated degree and then he says oh yeah but he basically told you that you don't know what you what you teach but my question is related to how were you able to have a different reaction and then was it in the very same moment that you were able to introspect?

Or did it come later?

Or probably a second question related to that.

What made you stay there with Babaji and not go back to the United States when the whole ground was shaking after meeting with Babaji and having this discussion?

It's a good question.

For Babaji,

When I met him and I was already kind of like watching his YouTube videos and things like that,

You know,

I was already trusting him without knowing him,

I think,

Kind of,

You know.

So when he started telling me things,

I mean,

I had never met somebody so smart like him.

I just respected him so much.

So when he would tell me things about my mind,

I mean,

I might honk harder to be like,

You know,

But then I would say,

Do you really think you know more than him?

I'd always question myself and be like,

Do I really think I know more than him?

So I would always default that when he would tell me things sometimes,

It seemed so unbelievable,

Because he would tell me things like,

You don't even know the basics of Ayurveda.

And I'd gone to like a 700-hour program and studied it in practice.

And then I'd studied intensively under a doctor for a year.

And then I had studied in India.

And he's like,

He would say things like that.

And so to hear that,

I'm like.

Okay,

And so then I had to be like,

Could he be wrong?

And I don't think so.

My default was if he's saying something and my thing doesn't match,

I need to adjust my thing,

Not his.

So that was my MO the whole way through.

And every time I would do that,

Then I would get better.

I get a relief.

So that was just how I operated.

I didn't question him.

I mean,

I didn't doubt him.

He would just say it,

And it felt like a hammer on my head,

You know,

A lot of times.

But I would take it and try to say,

OK,

There's something wrong here that I'm not seeing.

So how can I adjust myself?

In the moment,

I would do it,

But it's also,

I think,

Because I was a therapist.

I was already used to doing that,

So he was basically like my therapist.

So when he would say something,

I would take it like a therapy session.

Not that we sat there for an hour and we did deep therapy and he nurtured my feelings.

No.

But when he'd take out the hammer,

I realized,

Okay,

This is my therapy.

And I would use it as an introspection time.

So when this happens,

What helps us go further is buddhi,

Which takes the control of our thoughts,

Feelings,

And then guides us to the proper direction.

So this is where the buddhi comes in.

And having trust in somebody.

You know?

And actually,

It doesn't matter who the person is.

I mean,

It does,

Obviously.

If you pick a guru,

It's way different than anyone else.

But my point is that your samskaras are going to get triggered,

Whoever the person is.

Meaning,

The more intimate,

The more close you feel that you're trusting this person.

The more your samskaras of your parents who betrayed your trust are going to get projected onto them.

So that happens even with me as a therapist.

Everybody doubts me as I'm nicer to them and they're getting closer,

Then they doubt.

And that's because of the samskaras that's called projection.

So they project it onto the therapist.

But the same thing happens to the guru.

So when you start getting closer to him and you're like,

Oh,

I feel like he understands me better,

I understand him,

Then your worst samskaras come up.

On him,

You know,

And so that's when you really have to check yourself and say,

Okay,

I know this is part of the process.

These are my some scars blinding me and making me doubt him,

You know,

But I knew that because I already was a therapist.

I already knew psychology,

So I knew I mean,

Some of the things that he would like say that just rock me to the core about who I am,

You know,

Who I thought it was.

I just hung in there and was like,

All right,

I know he's right.

So I just have to suck it up and figure it out,

Figure out what I'm not seeing.

That was my.

You mentioned that Dr.

Chauhan suggested you to watch YouTube.

Do you remember which was your first?

I don't remember.

You don't remember?

I mean I just typed his name in and something,

I wish I remembered.

I have the book I think back in the United States and I'm going to try to find the notes I took because then we can figure out maybe what one it was.

When are you going back?

I'm not sure.

But it wasn't Vedic psychology.

You know,

It was probably whatever,

Bhagavatam or just some class that I didn't know anything about.

But he just started talking and it was so clear.

And I was like,

Whoa.

It's powerful,

You know?

So,

Yeah.

Anything else?

Chapter 2?

Did that help my answer?

Was it?

OK.

Kamala,

You said you had something?

And when the anchor is triggered,

Then the tendency is to find a solution and a mechanism of protecting The attacker is like.

.

.

Activated.

Activated in so many ways.

So then,

My question is,

What is the difference in acknowledging the feeling and the situation and,

You know,

When you feel hurt or something?

And rationalizing.

Rationalizing things looks like more like.

.

.

Henswood,

ED.

To find a solution in that way.

But I'm not.

.

.

To be disturbed and to be,

And understand also why.

So it's different.

So then how to,

You know,

Because they look very,

Very similar.

So if you can clarify a little bit more,

This is related with what she was saying before,

No?

Okay,

So you're asking what's the difference between acknowledging something when you're triggered versus rationalizing,

Right?

That's what you're asking,

Right?

Yeah.

Okay,

So acknowledging is when you acknowledge your feelings about it and you even validate why you're feeling that way.

There's nothing wrong with that.

That's important.

But then rationalizing would be,

And so that's why I'm going to call that guy up and tell him he's a jerk.

So when you start rationalizing your behavior or I didn't need to,

You know,

Maybe it was already something that already happened.

So it's rationalizing means you're making excuses for your bad behavior,

Basically.

But acknowledging is admitting that you have these feelings.

Or it could even be acknowledging that you're bad behavior.

You could say,

Yeah,

I was late because I had a crazy day.

But you don't want to then not have any change in your position.

That's another way you can tell you're rationalizing.

It's like you've rationalized it to the point that you think you don't need to change at all.

You don't need to apologize,

You don't need to change your behavior,

Then you're probably rationalizing.

Because there's always something we can change.

Always.

And that's what we'll get into in this chapter.

I mean,

This chapter is about jealousy,

But I remember.

.

.

One of the things Babaji taught me about jealousy was he said,

You know,

At one point somebody was jealous of me and he told me,

It's your fault.

And I'm like,

Oh,

That's my fault too.

Bye for now.

So it's my fault somebody's jealous of me.

That's to the extent of.

Taking responsibility,

You know?

And he said,

Yeah,

You can make people jealous by doing certain things.

Don't just say that I have $10 million.

If I go around and tell everybody I have $10 million,

People are probably going to get jealous.

So it's that idea.

You have to think of the ahankara of the people you're around,

The people you're trying to make relationships with,

The people you're engaging with,

And you have to understand their.

.

.

How they see themselves and then don't do things to make them jealous.

So that's what I'm saying,

So that even when you think you're being the perfect little angel and you've done nothing wrong,

There's always ways to improve.

But rationalizing would be like,

Why is it my fault that I made that person jealous?

I didn't do anything.

It's like,

Well,

Actually you did.

Not that they didn't do anything,

They need to control their own feelings,

Their own jealousy,

But if they can't,

You can do something on your side,

Probably.

That's a way to think,

You know.

Anything else before we go to three?

Are you comfortable buggy with you there?

You want to come on the couch with the buggy?

With the,

We have blankets and we have.

A carpet.

Where's the blanket?

We had two.

You want this blanket,

Vagabondy?

You want a break?

Carve a blanket?

Good?

Okay,

Anything from anybody online?

Does anybody want to share anything from Chapter 2 or ask anything?

No hands up.

I don't know if I can see everybody,

Vilas,

Or if you can see everybody.

Nobody,

Okay,

So let's go to three.

Chapter 3 is called Jealous?

Who Me?

No,

Babaji,

It can't possibly be.

On that same two-week summer visit in 2015,

When Babaji introduced me to Vedic psychology,

I also got the opportunity to see the concepts manifest in real time.

In my own mind.

I can only call it an opportunity after the fact,

Because when the situation was unfolding,

It didn't feel like something very positive at all.

It felt overwhelming and I wasn't able to see what the parts of my mind were doing.

So that's what you were saying,

Jai,

You know,

Like when you look back,

It's like,

Oh,

What an opportunity.

In the time that it happened,

It was very,

Very hard.

I mean,

I knew I was wrong,

But that doesn't mean that I wasn't a mess.

I wasn't like,

Oh great,

I'm wrong.

Let me quietly introspect over a cup of tea.

That's not how it went.

You'll see.

I was just a victim of my own triggered mind,

But I didn't realize it at the time.

You will see what I mean when I share this story.

Giddy with excitement,

I quickly descended the wide marble staircase into the basement,

Where Babaji sat working away at his desk in the ashram.

He had invited me to come to India to work with him for two weeks on a Vedic psychology project.

So this is this very place we're talking about.

Those staircase,

Those stairs,

This basement,

And he was sitting over there where he sits,

But there was nobody there because it was summer.

So he was just sitting there,

It was 5,

000 degrees,

You know,

And I was running down the stairs to meet him.

I didn't mind the sweat dripping off.

It was July.

I didn't mind the sweat dripping off my back,

Mocking and taunting the shower I had just taken.

While I felt on the verge of a heat stroke in the steamy basement,

He sat peacefully writing.

When I first saw him,

I could not believe my eyes.

He wasn't even wearing a short-sleeved shirt,

And he didn't seem to mind the heat at all.

He was so calm,

Barely sweating.

As if it was a cool day and he was sitting in the ocean breeze.

As I approached him,

I tried to keep my composure and not show how much the heat was disturbing me.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and felt shy in the presence of this great learned scholar.

Even though I was uncharacteristically prompt for our agreed upon meeting time of 3 p.

M.

,

I still felt hesitant to initiate a conversation with him.

He was so absorbed in his work that he didn't look up at me.

Who was I to disturb him?

I was afraid to break his concentration.

And stood there for what felt like 10 minutes,

Debating in my head,

Should I interrupt him?

Maybe I got the time wrong for our meeting.

Maybe he forgot.

Should I just walk away?

Maybe he won't even notice that I came.

Finally,

I thought of a solution.

I decided I would ask him if I could sit at one of the tables in the basement.

So there's Babaji absorbed.

This works.

You guys all recognize this?

Picture probably.

That's how he looks a lot.

My thinking was that when he was ready,

He would invite me to come and work with him.

I sheepishly uttered,

Babaji,

Can I sit at this table?

I felt so embarrassed when he looked up,

Thinking he would see me as a burden,

Disturbing him from his work with such a stupid question.

But to my surprise,

He didn't look at me.

I felt confused.

He was looking up all right but not at me.

He was looking past me at something over my head behind my back.

Huh?

I thought.

What is he looking at?

The basement is completely empty.

Then he smiled at who I could only assume was some invisible person behind my back.

He smiled a very big smile like he was about to laugh and said with his eyes locked on the ghost.

I don't know,

You have to ask her.

I love you.

I turned around,

And to my surprise,

There was a pretty blonde girl sitting at one of the tables.

Working on her computer.

I had no idea she was there.

I must have missed her when I entered the basement,

Blinded by my nervous thoughts about approaching Babaji.

The blonde beauty looked up and returned his smile.

They both started laughing like they had some inside joke.

I felt excluded,

Unwanted,

And angry.

She said,

Sure,

And put her head back down and continued working.

She seemed cold and indifferent to me,

And Babaji was the same.

That should have been the end of that.

But it wasn't.

In fact,

It was just the beginning.

I took my seat politely and quietly reviewed my notes that I had carefully prepared for my meeting with Babaji.

Even though my behavior was peaceful and seemingly appropriate,

My mind was racing and my heart was burning.

I felt so annoyed by the whole situation.

Who is this random girl I have to ask the permission of to sit at a table in the basement?

I came all the way from the USA to meet with Babaji,

And now he's ignoring me.

And this queen is the one who's calling the shots.

Doesn't she know who I am?

Ha ha ha What do you think so far?

How's my ahankara doing in this chapter?

Very well.

Very strong.

We're just getting started.

I tried to keep my mind from going off,

But I couldn't.

I felt angry at this girl who had been given so much power over me.

There were at least 10 tables in the basement.

All of them were vacant.

So why did she get to make these decisions on my fate?

And why did Babaji smile at her so happily and not acknowledge me?

I thought he would be so happy to see me,

But he neither smiled nor gave me the warm greeting I had expected.

What was going on in this strange situation?

What was I missing here?

Any ideas?

What was happening?

That's my point of view you heard,

But what do you think was actually happening?

What was going on?

Who has the mic?

Natalie has something she wants to say.

Let's hear some guesses.

Go ahead,

Jen.

I think you just did not get the attention from the person that you came for.

That's true.

You are missing that it's about Seva and not about you.

That's true.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

You have some expectation and you have figured it out already in your mind how it could be to come down and he will smile at you and you say,

Oh,

Welcome,

And he didn't do anything of that,

Absolutely zero.

So then you automatically felt excluded and even not wanted.

Rejected.

And remember,

I got no vacation time.

I killed myself for those few days I was going to be here.

And I hate the heat.

I mean,

Everything was so inconvenient for me.

I saved all my money for the flight.

You know,

I carved out these very few days to come here and do this thing.

You know,

I forgo all anything fun for a year.

No vacation.

And so to me it was very important to be like,

Let's go.

You know,

On top of the fact that,

You know,

I thought that he'd at least say hello.

So I had a lot of expectations,

You're right.

You were already initiated.

I got initiated in January.

But I was here for like a day.

I just came and left,

Remember?

So I came back.

This is the first time I actually met him,

Really,

Besides Diksha,

You know.

So then when the expectation will not.

.

.

Fulfilled,

Then anger came up,

And then you were burning,

Although outside you were trying to keep it together.

It must be a very difficult situation.

Mm-hmm Go ahead,

Ludley.

It's just that sometimes I'm wondering if maybe Babaji knows that that's the perfect situation to trigger your samskara and what you have to work on.

Yeah,

It seemed like it.

That's what it felt like.

I mean,

After,

When I looked at it,

I'm like,

To just completely ignore it.

It's just perfect.

That's exactly what you have to do.

Like,

And ask her,

I'm like,

Who is this girl?

Like,

What?

Like,

It just was so triggering.

For so many different reasons,

You know?

Yeah.

Because if you wouldn't have asked the girl,

Ask her,

You would have just ignored you.

You would have.

.

.

They would have been bad enough.

That would have been triggering,

Too.

Yeah,

Too,

But at least you would have to decide by yourself,

OK,

Shall I sit in?

He ignores me.

Nice curve.

Yeah.

That was the perfect situation.

And then they both went back to their work and I'm like,

Oh my God.

Good.

Anything else,

Nirendra?

On page 49,

And actually this passage was probably the most enigmatic for me when I was reading this book,

Because I wasn't able to understand what was happening in reality or in Babaji's mind when this meeting happened.

So,

Starting from he was so absorbed in his work that he didn't look up at me,

And then you have this stream of consciousness,

Who was I to disturb him,

And then several questions.

What's really happening at this time with the hankara?

Because all those questions,

And maybe he forgot,

Should I just walk away?

So it doesn't seem to be very healthy.

And at the same time,

For me,

It also seems to be quite normal.

You meet a person for the first or second time,

And this expectation also seems to be,

To me,

Quite natural that someone greets you.

Don't understand what was going on here at least starting with you because you are the main character here I'd be like,

Let's go,

What's wrong?

But a normal,

Healthy,

Well-adjusted is we set the time,

We agreed on the time,

I'm here to meet with you.

So I would have said,

I would have,

I mean,

If he doesn't look up,

I'd come closer and say,

How do you feel?

You know,

Like we had said three,

Is three good for you now?

And he's like,

No,

I'm busy.

I'm like,

OK,

What time is good?

He would have said four.

OK,

I'll see you at four.

But instead all this stuff happened because I'm not sure and I was already triggered because he didn't acknowledge me and that's my whole 20 years of experience with my father.

Never acknowledged me.

So just the fact that he didn't acknowledge,

I was already completely really reeling.

I felt so bad just because he didn't say,

He didn't look up and acknowledge.

On top of everything I did to get here,

That was like,

The superficial part,

But the deeper thing was a very deep samskara of Father not acknowledging to me.

Then you layer on top of that.

The girl.

So there's some scar storm.

But what was going on for me was a depressed ahankara.

Like,

I don't know,

Who am I?

I don't know,

Maybe I'm not good enough,

Or maybe I got the time wrong,

Or maybe.

.

.

Instead of just being confident.

Like he said,

Three.

He looks like,

Maybe he didn't hear me and I'll just go up and speak louder.

Maybe he's busy and so I'll just say,

Okay,

I'll see you at four.

But I wasn't confident.

Kalama?

Oh,

Sorry,

Nanchi?

Were you going to say something?

I think the same pattern has happened again,

Like Amma also,

You expected something that Amma will did like this,

But happened just opposite and here also you must have thought that we will have a good meeting about Vedic psychology and it turned out into a different way.

Expectation problem again.

Yes,

Good,

Good insight.

Come on.

Yeah,

So I found interesting the factor of the girl.

This girl sitting there has aggravated the whole situation in your already feeling like Invisible.

Invisible,

Rejected and all this.

And then for the Ahankar,

This presence that you didn't even notice when you came,

But she was already there.

And then Babaji is looking at her,

Give to her the palm.

Smiling.

Yeah,

Smiling in a way that you would like that he did that to you,

But he didn't do it to you,

He did it to her.

And what happened is that this aggravates your situation.

My question is more like.

.

.

Was this the jealousy already?

Yeah,

That's what the chapter is about.

You are here and not me.

And the ahamkara,

I always imagine the ahamkara like this,

Because it's straight and it doesn't bend,

Right?

So it's like that.

But underneath it,

That's a whole bunch of these samskaras that you can't see.

In the ahamkara,

The sense of identity is related to those.

So for example,

I see Babaji doesn't look at me.

Okay,

That's the father rejecting me samskara.

So my ahankara is already.

.

.

Feeling bad,

You know,

Already feeling low.

Then now he's joking with the girl,

Oops,

That's my sister who my father gave all the attention to,

Samskara.

So now I've got two doubly rejected and invisible.

But they're hooked on to the ahamkara and that's what makes it.

Do something.

You know,

That's the invisible part that's making it.

Whatever it's doing is based on,

It's not just on manas,

Those feelings and manas are coming from the samskaras.

Then they go up on the manas,

Jealousy or rejection or I feel invisible,

You know.

It's coming in the book.

Let's read it.

Anything else before I go?

Anything else?

Anyone online?

No?

OK,

So let's keep going.

Um OK,

So what was going on,

Right?

So we're on page 53.

What was going on in this strange situation?

What was I missing here?

So you guys pointed out a lot of things I was missing?

As the minutes passed,

I could not calm down.

In fact,

My anger was increasing at a rapid pace.

I couldn't sit in that hot basement sweating and burning up any longer.

I felt like I wanted to punch that girl in the face.

Who had so coldly and nonchalantly permitted me to stay.

This is so unfair.

I don't get it.

Hot tears stream down my face.

I didn't know what to do but run.

So run is what I did,

Straight out of the basement,

Up the stairs,

And into my room.

Where I tried to cool down under the ceiling fan.

This only irritated me more because it was blowing hot air and I got no relief from the relenting heat.

I wondered if maybe I should not have even come to India.

For I had a guru who didn't want to meet with me and a fan that couldn't cool me down.

Maybe Babaji was right.

I shouldn't have come in July.

It was just too unbearably hot for me.

Or maybe I should not come anytime ever again,

For who was I?

Some insignificant person that Babaji had no interest in meeting with,

Talking to,

Or even acknowledging.

Do you see what Ahankara does also?

Extremes.

When you're triggered,

It goes to extremes.

Know just because at that moment he could who knows he's probably meditating on some very deep a verse or something he was into,

Right?

But whatever the thing was or maybe he was trying to teach me a lesson but it doesn't mean that I did now take it to like I should have not even come to India,

I should not,

I should,

You know,

It seals from one incident and so that's the strength of the samskara that's triggering it too,

When those work together.

I felt trapped,

Confused,

Excluded,

And very sad.

Whenever.

Oops,

Did I miss one?

No.

Um.

.

.

Okay.

I felt trapped,

Confused,

Excluded,

And very sad.

Whenever I don't know what else to do,

I write.

I got out my new journal,

Hoping to get to the bottom of it.

Surely there was something wrong with me,

Given the strength of my emotional reaction.

As my feelings poured out onto the wilted journal paper,

I soon realized the blonde girl reminded me of my younger sister.

The one whom my father had favored over me.

Even though I was older than her.

And had always tried my hardest to be what he wanted.

You've preferred her.

I wasn't sporty,

And she was a natural athlete.

He had loved that they could run together,

Play basketball,

Go hiking,

Or just horse around.

She was also good at math and science.

She picked up the concepts with ease,

And this made my father very proud.

I,

On the other hand,

Was a writer and a more introverted type.

And my father couldn't relate.

I felt so hurt that he didn't enjoy being with me.

As much as with my sister.

That I took my anger out on her.

Which only worsened my relationship with my father.

He used to tell me things like,

Your sister's such a nice person and you're so mean.

That was so hard.

I mean,

When parents don't understand the dynamics of why their kid acts the way they do,

Why would a two-year-old act mean?

I mean,

To tell your two-year-old she's mean,

Obviously I'm jealous of my little sister you just brought home.

But they didn't have the training on that,

They didn't understand really what that was at all.

You know,

But.

.

.

I work with a lot of clients who do have kids,

And they'll ask me about,

When they have two kids,

They'll say,

What's wrong with my oldest?

And I'm like,

Well.

She or he's jealous.

So I try to teach them the opposite of what my parents did.

I try to say,

You have to give the oldest one more attention.

She's used to being the only one,

Or he's used to being the only one.

Give them attention,

Make them feel special.

And just yesterday I got an email from a client who reported that that worked.

Her and her husband,

You know,

I just had one session to explain that to her and her and her husband applied it right away and she said,

It's so,

The family's so happy now.

You know,

With one daughter,

I think she's one and a half,

And the son's like three and a half,

And she's pregnant with the third.

But the good news is they implemented it and they got the point.

And so they start acting the opposite way.

Because I'm like,

Don't punish them for acting like that.

Then they're going to get worse.

They're going to think,

Oh,

I get mommy's attention if I'm abusive to my younger sibling.

So now they've turned it around.

And she said she was so touched because she saw her husband hugging the kid.

That like just the day before she was chastising,

You know?

And so now.

It's very simple actually.

Kids are quite simple.

It's just that parents don't understand and they're only doing what their parents did to them,

You know?

Anyway,

I'm happy that I could at least teach it to somebody.

My parents didn't get it.

Yeah.

You was,

Did I understand correct,

You was 2 years old when they said you are so mean?

Starting at 2,

But my whole childhood,

All the way till 19,

You know.

All the way to 18,

When I went to college,

The whole time.

Because I was me.

But I wasn't born mean.

I was mean because I wasn't getting attention.

And there's two more kids who came after that,

Three younger sisters.

So each time I got less attention.

So by the time the fourth one came,

I was really mean.

Okay,

So that made my heart burn up even more and I took it out on my poor innocent sister and all the ways I could think of.

Needless to say,

My sister and my father had such a natural,

Undeniable bond.

It was amazing and beautiful for everyone to see,

Except for me.

I felt left out,

Unworthy of my father's love,

Unimportant,

Lonely,

Sad,

Angry,

And like a downright loser.

I hated my sister for the bond she had with him.

I really hated her a lot.

As a child,

At any chance I could get,

I would do things to try to exclude her from my friend groups at school.

In my mind,

She stole my father from me,

And I was enraged about that.

So my sister,

You guys,

She actually is a very nice person.

And of course,

My parents gave her the name Joy.

So she just came out happy and nice and friendly and like everybody loves her,

You know,

And I'm like.

.

.

You know,

And then she loved me because usually siblings look up to the older sibling,

Right?

So she would try to copy whatever I'm doing,

You know,

And that drove me crazy,

You know,

So and she would like if I'm playing soccer,

Then she wants to come play soccer.

If I'm hanging out with certain friends out of all the people she wants to hang out with my friends.

So that type of thing just drove me crazy because I didn't like her,

You know,

Because when I was at home every she was just constantly.

With my dad,

You know,

From the beginning,

Getting attention from him.

And so it was so painful.

And I wasn't so aware,

Okay,

I'm jealous then.

I just didn't like her.

That was the extent of it.

And then my parents never figured that part out either.

They were both working,

They had more kids,

There was a lot going on,

So nobody was aware of what was going on with me.

And so I just felt actually quite guilty because I just had this jealousy and I felt like a bad person.

I didn't realize it's normal,

That we all have it,

And of course you have it,

None of that.

You know,

So.

But do you want to hear some of the things I did to my sister?

Out of my jokes?

Okay,

I'll tell one and see how it goes.

So,

I mean,

There's three sisters younger,

Right?

So one of them is like nine,

Almost 10 years younger.

That one,

She was too much younger to be jealous of.

So I was basically like her mother.

So that one I wasn't jealous of,

But the one who's like,

One is two years younger,

One is four years younger,

Those two,

I was like,

The two years younger was worse,

Though,

Because she was my dad's pet.

But anyway,

So what I did one time was.

.

.

I mean,

I just actually hated the sight of them.

That's also jealous.

I hated being around them.

I hated seeing them,

You know,

Because whenever I saw them,

It just reminded me of how much my dad loved them and not me,

You know.

So what I did one time was I said,

You guys,

I thought of a contest.

And Anna,

The baby,

Was like less than one sleeping.

And we would get in big trouble if we were loud in the house,

If you woke the baby.

So the baby was sleeping,

So we all were supposed to be very quiet.

And I told my two sisters.

I thought of a contest.

Who can scream the loudest right now?

And then I'm like,

I'm gonna go first.

And I'm like.

That's your loudest?

Oh my god,

Okay,

Let me try again.

And then my other sister goes,

I can do louder than you.

I'm like,

No,

You can't.

And she's like,

Yeah,

Let me do it.

And she goes.

And my dad came,

And he goes,

Girls,

Out of the house.

Who did that?

And I'm like,

It was Joy and Julie.

So out of the house,

You know?

So then it was wintertime,

Very cold where we grew up.

We grew up in like the Himalayas,

Like frozen tundra,

Like so cold.

So then what I did,

That wasn't enough.

So they're already outside.

And when we got in trouble,

The punishment was you have to carry 10 logs of wood.

Up this long icy driveway because we heated the house with a wood stove.

And nobody wants to do that.

So he's like,

10 logs of wood each.

So then what I did was I went in the kitchen and I made hot chocolate.

And I went in the window and I waved at them and I was drinking.

I was like,

I'm like,

Hi girls.

And they're like,

Oh.

And they're like,

Oh.

Because they were so little,

They only could carry one piece at a time.

They had to go up and down the driveway ten times,

You know?

So that's to the extent of my jealousy as a young girl.

That's just the beginning.

That's just one jealous story.

But jealousy can make you kill.

There's actually something really intense.

Jealousy can make you very.

.

.

But this is just.

.

.

I'm just a young girl.

So just think of how it goes unchecked if you don't know you have it.

And then you act on it.

That's just one story.

I have many.

Do you want to hear another one,

Or was that enough?

Another one?

So another thing I did was,

I love candy.

I think you probably all know that.

Even as an adult,

I love like chocolate and candy and gum,

All that,

Right?

But my parents were very strict with that.

It was only like,

Organic,

Homemade,

Healthy food.

No candy in the house,

No cake,

No chips,

No cookies,

No sugar,

Nothing.

And then if it's like Christmas,

One day you get it.

But like most of the year,

No junk.

And so,

But I wanted the candy,

Right?

And also,

I mean,

They wouldn't just give us money to go get candy.

But what I would do is I collect my own money,

You know,

And this is how I do it.

I would tell my sisters.

Because we lived out in the country,

There's nothing to do.

There's nowhere to go.

So I would make entertainment.

And I'm like,

You guys.

I was always joined Julie,

Because the other one was a baby.

I'm like,

I'm having a sale.

Come to my room.

I'm like,

Go get a dollar from mom,

You know?

So they each come with a dollar.

And then what I would do is I'd go in their room and I'd steal small things that they wouldn't notice from each other.

I would go into Joy's room and just steal like a little doll clothes,

A couple little things she wouldn't notice from her toys.

And the other sister,

I'd steal some of her stuff.

And I'd price everything out,

Put price tags,

And they'd buy each other's things.

So then I'd have $2.

I could go to the candy store.

$2 of candy was a lot then,

You know?

And then in the distance,

I'd hear a fight breaking out because she's like,

That's my doll.

That's my doll,

You know,

Dress.

And she's like,

No,

I bought it at Jesse's sale.

But I'm like,

I don't know what you guys are talking about.

You're stealing each other's things.

And I'm like eating the lollipops,

Chocolate.

This is what happens when the parents don't take care of the kids and give them the proper attention,

You know?

So jealousy can come out in all kinds of ways.

I entertained myself with it,

But I really actually didn't like them.

And I never got to know them as people until after I went to college.

And things happen in life,

And I realize,

Oh,

They're nice people,

And that was actually my jealousy.

Then I didn't realize I just hated them.

So jealousy is one of those things nobody ever talks about.

So I like to talk about it because we all have it and we don't know it.

And I don't feel ashamed telling the stories.

I feel like I was a victim of it.

You know,

I didn't get any help.

I mean.

.

.

If my parents knew what it was,

And if they knew that they possibly already had it themselves,

Maybe they could have changed themselves or brought me to a therapist and said,

My daughter's being mean to my other daughters and what's going on?

But none of that happened.

So I just went along with it,

Like plagued by it,

You know?

And it came out again in this story.

You ready to hear how it came out in my adult years?

Here we go.

OK,

So we talked about the undeniable bond,

Right?

I didn't know any of this at the time,

Right?

So I had this idea that my sister stole my father from me.

I didn't know about any of this at the time.

I only realized it as an adult when Babaji taught me about jealousy.

And of course,

Babaji didn't teach me in the simple old American way where you just tell the student directly what jealousy is.

No,

It was not like that at all.

Babaji,

A true master in the art of teaching,

Created a situation for my jealousy to arise,

And then he waited for me to figure it out myself.

He waited for me to come to him and tell him what I had realized about myself.

Only then did he begin teaching me about the nature of the human mind,

Starting with my very own problem.

After a few hours of introspecting,

I realized I was actually jealous of the blonde girl in the basement.

I wanted to have a relationship like she had with Babaji,

One of smiling and laughing together.

You know,

The kind of relationship where two people are so comfortable sitting in each other's presence without ever having to utter a word.

I wanted to be the one who could decide who gets to come and sit with us in our inner circle.

And I also wanted to be beautiful like her.

She was tall and thin and younger than me by at least 10 years.

She had a natural grace and beauty to her that I didn't have.

She reminded me of my tall,

Thin sister,

Joy.

Yes,

The one my father had adored.

My sister was the chosen one,

Who was privileged enough to spend countless days and nights on exclusive outings with my father.

While I sat at home feeling rejected,

Not good enough,

And angry at her for stealing my father from me.

As I reflected upon my journal entry,

I began putting two and two together and realized the blonde girl in the basement was not my sister.

M.

Babaji was not my father.

And I was not a little girl competing for my father's love.

I was a 42-year-old professional psychotherapist invited by Babaji to come and work with him.

He wanted me to be there.

And the blonde girl was not my enemy.

I didn't know her story.

But one thing was for sure.

She was not stealing Babaji away from me,

Just because she exchanged a smile with him.

Or because he asked her if I could sit in the basement with him.

And the other thing was.

.

.

Babaji was not my possession nor hers.

I could see things more clearly now.

So this is kind of a short little bit I read,

But it's very powerful.

Some of these points,

Right?

Does anybody want to share anything that you've learned?

So what are your thoughts from that?

Can you see how blind I was?

I was seeing him as my father.

I was seeing this blonde girl in the basement as my sister.

And I was actually maybe two or five or seven,

But quite young.

My emotional reaction,

You know?

And when I realized all that,

I'm like,

Oh,

Wait a minute,

I'm not that,

That's what I'm saying,

The ahankara identifies with the samskara,

You know,

So the emotional samskara was like a five-year-old.

Jealous five-year-old,

You know,

So then I saw that as a little sister and I saw him as the father What do you think?

Does somebody have their hand up on mine?

I think this part that you are describing is very important,

At least for me it has been very important to understand,

Because you are describing how a trigger works.

I've experienced that I thought I was really looking at the reality of perceiving reality as it was,

But actually I was completely triggered acting as a five-year-old girl.

But I thought I was my other self.

So this is very important to become aware.

That's why you always are teaching us being aware.

Because awareness is the first step.

To understand what is happening.

And these very intense emotions are like the clue,

Like the point that,

OK,

I'm feeling this,

Then that means that there is something that is not OK.

Good,

Vajra.

Yeah,

That's true.

It's really fantastic how you describe it in your own experience,

How the Sankara and the Truth are worked.

It's super important.

Because all the time it's all the same thing.

We don't realize it.

It's very hard to.

Actually see it.

But when you hear somebody else's story,

You know,

Then it's like you can see it much more clearly.

Like,

Oh,

She thought she was this and she thought he was,

The ahamkara is identifying based on the samskara and then you see the difference.

No,

You're a 42-year-old psychotherapist.

It's like,

Oh,

Is that how a 42-year-old psychotherapist would act?

No,

You know,

So then you can see the difference versus the samskara versus actually with how you really are,

You know,

Your identity.

So that's good,

Bhaja.

Thank you.

I think another important point is how many times you were exposed to the same situation with your father.

Repetition makes a very deep Sanskrit.

So it becomes automatic.

So you were not realizing it,

But automatically you were reacting.

Repetition combined with emotions.

Right?

So like brushing your teeth,

It's a samskara,

But there's not very emotional.

So there's not going to be much.

I mean,

I can do it automatically,

But the automatic response I had to Babaji and that blonde girl,

That combination is very painful years and years.

So it's a very heavy samskara,

You know,

Very emotionally heavy because it was repeated and I was in pain every time.

So that makes it like part of my core personality basically.

Act like that and feel like that,

You know?

Thank you,

Bhadra.

Of Kenyan trees.

I was also thinking you mentioned that Ahankara has this tendency to think in this extreme way.

I think feelings are also like when you are so much into feelings like for an example,

Maybe just like you said that I was feeling like she is stealing me from Babaji or she is stealing Babaji from me.

These emotions are also very triggering us and they make us feel to the extent that if I have some fear,

It makes me feel.

I have experienced that when I have anxiety or fear then I go to the extreme and when I try to see the picture I see that this is not going to happen.

We are so much into the.

.

.

Emotions can really cause so much anxiety.

Yes.

Thinking into the environment which is not really happening.

Yeah,

Exactly.

Makes you have catastrophic thinking.

You catastrophize things,

You know?

So when I'm like,

She took Babaji from me,

Like Babaji is my possession or something.

She took him from me.

That's ahankara because ahankara possesses.

So the feeling is making you think an extreme thing.

Or I should just leave India.

That's another behavior.

Ankara is the agency of action.

So the feeling is.

You know,

Rejected maybe,

Or invisible.

I'm feeling invisible,

Rejected.

So then the Ahamkara does a very extreme action.

I should leave India.

I should never come here again.

I shouldn't even try to work with Babaji.

That's all action,

Which means that's not a feeling.

It's then the Ahamkara is going to act,

The agency of action on the extreme feeling.

So to the extent of the extreme feeling is to the extent the ahankara is going to do this ridiculous action.

You know,

Not ridiculous,

But extreme action.

Triggered by this ahankara or the feelings.

Yeah,

The feelings and the thoughts are connected.

First,

You have a very strong feeling,

And then you have some thought about that,

And then you have some action,

Extreme action.

Or thought about an action.

What else?

Mohini?

Kamala?

You have the mic Kamala?

About this.

Comparison also.

I wanted to be beautiful like her,

And she was thin,

And she was tall,

And she was blonde,

And she was younger,

And she was this,

And she was that.

He wanted to.

.

.

It was going.

.

.

Sorry.

So this comparison also sounds like another.

.

.

Way of our hunger to make us suffer more.

Because the comparison is there and obviously nobody can be like another.

So then it's like an impossible Um.

.

.

And embarking in an impossible adventure,

Basically.

And then what I noticed how you.

.

.

You came out of the situation by journaling.

First running away in the motion.

Then you reach there.

You calm yourself down.

And then you start to journaling.

And then Buddhi came.

And then with the buddhi,

Then,

Oh,

I'm 42,

And I'm a therapist,

I have a goal here,

I was being invited,

And the whole thing basically comes down,

You know.

So that looks like We can learn out of this example how to.

.

.

Behave when we are triggered or we are in a similar situation.

Yeah.

I mean,

One thing is that ahankara is your sense of identity,

Right?

So my sense of identity was threatened big time.

So then first I had to acknowledge my feelings,

You know,

And I couldn't just sit there.

I couldn't even think straight.

So when I got in my room and I started acknowledging how I felt,

Then when I calmed down,

Then I could come back to,

Okay,

Who am I?

At least what's my identity,

You know?

Then that's what calmed me down because my identity was.

.

.

Because of the samskara,

My identity of a little girl whose daddy's not paying attention to her and he's paying attention to her younger sister.

That was the identity at the time.

So the ahankara was there,

You know?

And then when it came back to,

Oh,

Here's who I am and here's what I'm doing,

Then I calmed down.

So it's good.

So sometimes it just depends on you and what you're most comfortable with and what you're most aware of.

But usually feelings are the strongest thing.

But then you can start thinking feelings related to your identity.

Why am I triggered right now?

And the reason why I was comparing,

I could have said if I wasn't in a depression,

I wasn't depressed,

You know?

So I was thinking the worst about myself.

See,

She's prettier and she's younger.

I was only thinking of how she's better than me and how I'm worse.

So that's a depressed ahankara.

But if I had a over pumped up ahankara,

I would be saying,

Well,

She's not,

You know,

I would think of what's comparing again,

Because that's what Hunkara does,

But I compare on her,

My better sides and her worst sides.

But you see the depressed Hunkara,

I was seeing how she's better than me.

But still,

It's ahankara comparing,

So you can catch yourself and say,

Okay,

How does any of that have to do with why I'm here?

I'm supposed to be studying Vedic psychology.

Just say,

OK,

Fine,

She's prettier,

She's thinner,

Whatever.

But the main point is I'm here to study.

I have a short amount of time.

And I'm going to do it.

Did you have something,

Mohini?

This was,

Did I understand correct,

This was your second meeting with Babaji,

Right?

Came that you were already so fixed in that role that Yes,

She's stealing away Babaji from me,

So this means.

.

.

Meantime,

Between your first meeting and second meeting,

You was already.

.

.

Creating a fantasy of a specific role between you and him or her?

Tell me what you understand about what I explained about samskaras.

Would I understand what you explained about samskaras?

Maybe someone else can explain to you.

Why was I possessive over Babaji if this is only my second meeting?

Because this is not what it's getting.

It's not about Babaji in itself,

It's about her not getting the knowledge.

She is completely ignored.

From the deep-rooted samskara that she has with her father.

So when someone else behaves like that,

Then it's like activated.

It's like the blonde girl,

She never met her,

But somehow.

.

.

She thought,

Oh,

She's like my sister.

Yeah,

But this usually happens when you are more familiar with the situation and when you know a bit the person,

But the expectations don't come up immediately.

When you come at a new place,

Then it doesn't happen just at the first or second meeting.

It takes time until you begin to project.

It depends on the strength of your samskaras,

According to Vedic psychology.

I mean,

Maybe you're talking from your experience,

But according to Vedic psychology and my experience,

Matter about how long you've known them now,

It matters about your strength of your samskara.

And somebody who's similar didn't have to be Babaji.

It could be another man in authority position.

That even if I meet them the first time,

Like my professor,

A male professor,

Same thing will happen.

So it has to do with something inside of me,

Not Babaji per se.

You know,

Male authority figure is what triggers me because that's what my father samskara is.

So when I see something similar,

Especially if they ignore me.

It's going to get triggered up.

Does that make sense?

I can just validate what she's saying because on my personal experience,

I can barely know that person or even not knowing,

But because I compare myself.

Or there's a big samsara coming up.

It doesn't matter.

It's there.

Big jealousy and reaction.

Yeah,

Like if there's a girl in the basement and she was like a two-year-old.

And Babaji's like,

Ask her.

I'd be like,

Hi,

Cutie.

Do you want to play?

Oh,

I can't talk to Babaji.

OK,

Ha ha.

Like,

I'm not going to be triggered by a two-year-old.

But this girl looked like my sister,

Was about the same age as my sister.

And so this particular samskara for sister who I'm jealous of combined with father who never gave me attention.

It was like the perfect storm.

But those two people were just players in my play of samskaras.

I didn't really know Babaji.

I didn't have a relationship with him.

And I didn't know her either.

But I didn't want to possess him.

I wanted to possess my dad.

And that girl,

I don't hate her,

I don't know her.

Actually,

She's not even related to Jeeva.

It was a girl from another place visiting.

You know what I mean?

I didn't know these people actually.

Just some scars blinding me,

Making me think.

I need his attention and she's such a jerk,

You know.

The power of some scars are so powerful.

It's a good question though.

OK,

I don't want to keep us over because everybody has to get ready for the next class.

So thank you guys very much.

That was fun.

Good analysis.

See you next time and we'll continue.

With Chapter 3,

OK?

And chew on it and see whatever might come up for you over the week.

And we'll start with a little discussion.

OK,

And thank you guys very much,

Everyone who is online with us.

Haribo.

Okay.

Bye.

Thank you.